Tuesday, January 3, 2006
Email Luke Archives Photos Stars Essays Search Luke Is Back.com Advertise on Lukeisback Suze Randall Jan 30 The Nero Prediction Cindi Loftus's Naked Truth Column The Break-Up Song
Giarrusso Starts Combat Zone
CHATSWORTH, Calif. - Dion Giarrusso has returned to the adult industry to start Combat Zone, a new gonzo company that will begin production this month.
Giarrusso, who founded Red Light District in 2001, has been out of the adult business for two years. In December of 2003, he sold his interest in Red Light District to his brother, David Joseph, the current president of the company, after the two had a business argument. The deal included a two-year, non-compete clause for Giarrusso.
AVN Killed Internext?
Webmistress Jane writes: "There's no anticipation for Internext this year, because AVN killed it by running the AEE event at the same time. Webmasters don't want civilians crowding the floor at Internext like they do at AEE where you can barely move around or breathe."
Chaim writes: "CES is freakin' huge, and important. Bill Gates, Terry Sempel of Yahoo, one of the Google guys and someone from Sony give speeches. Next to them, "Best DP of the Year" just isn't the same."
Pulse Pictures Signs Kevin Moore, Jekyll & Hyde
I've heard that director Kevin Moore had to cut a stalker scene from his first Pulse release because it was too intense.
Who's This Playboy Playmate Escort Victoria?
I believe her claims are lies.
Roxie writes:
The Playboy Playmate Victoria is lying in regards to her beauty pageant claims and Playmate status. There's no such thing as a two time runner up to Miss America. Once a girl wins a state Miss America title and goes to compete in the national contest, she cannot compete again. I have heard of a woman one year winning the Miss America - Vermont contest, not winning the national crown, and then a few years later winning the Miss USA - Vermont title and going to the national contest and not winning their either, but I doubt that it is the woman in question, because I last saw her on a mainstream MTV reality show set on the East coast (furthermore I doubt that a prissy type like her would be hooking).
I also doubt her Playmate claims. Playmates do hook, but it is not done via public advertising. I'm sure we all know about Nici's Girls and other upscale services, right? It would be grounds for permanent exclusion from the Playboy family. Hef frowns on porn, stripping, etc. A 90s Playmate named Tiffany Sloane underwent that treatment after stripping at a Vegas club after appearing as a Playmate. No more Special Edition appearances or Playboy mansion invites for her.
Put Down That Remote. And the Lube. God is Watching. And is He Pissed.
Mike Ramone writes on the AVN blog:
"The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason" is a recent New York Times best-seller by Sam Harris (W.W. Norton & Company), a very sobering assessment of, to quote the back cover, humankind's "willingness to suspend reason in favor of religious beliefs - even when these beliefs inspire the worst of human atrocities."
A section of the book called "The War on Sin," brilliantly lays out how the Christian Right's myth-based beliefs shape this country's absurd policies outlawing or regulating certain types of private consensual pleasures people engage in, including, for purposes of this blog, consuming porno.
"In the United States, and in much of the world, it is currently illegal to seek certain experiences of pleasure," Harris writes. "...Behaviors like drug use, prostitution, sodomy and the viewing of obscene materials have been categorized as 'victimless crimes.'...The idea of a victimless crime is nothing more than a judicial reprise of the Christian notion of sin.
"...It is no accident that people of faith often want to curtail the private freedoms of others. This impulse has less to do with the history of religion and more to do with its logic, because the very idea of privacy is incompatible with the existence of God. If God sees and knows all things, and remains so provincial a creature as to be scandalized by certain sexual behaviors or states of the brain, then what people do in the privacy of their own homes, though it may not have the slightest implication for their behavior in public, will still be a matter of public concern for people of faith."
So there you have it. Despite all their voodoo science about how porn is addicting and a threat to the American family and an affront to women, the real reason the Religious Right is anti-adult, according to Harris, is that they secretly fear that if us porn-consuming sinners are in their midst, God will be displeased with them for allowing that and then they, like us, will burn for eternity. Sheesh. Why do you think they called it the Dark Ages?
They don't call it the Dark Ages, Mike. Nobody who knows anything about Europe during the years 476 to about 1000 of the Common Era calls them the Dark Ages because they weren't. There was no decline in learning or freedom or civilization. Instead, these years were the preparation for Europe's eventual domination of the world (based significantly on Christianity's worldview, and I'm not a Christian, so I have no axe to grind here, but I will cite Rodney Stark's book: The Victory of Reason: How Christianity Led to Freedom, Capitalism, and Western Success).
[Mike Ramone responds: "This is the first I have ever heard this, and you’ll forgive me if I don’t take your word on it. Are you saying there was no such thing as the Dark Ages? Are you next going to tell me that the Enlightenment and the Age of Reason were not a response to the Dark Ages?"]
"The worst of human atrocities," if we are to count by numbers or murders, were committed by aggressively anti-religious ideologies such as Nazism and Communism, which murdered about 100 million people over 40 years. All religious wars and persecutions in all of history have not killed that many.
[Mike responds: "How would you possibly know that? Were you around to keep score?"]
If you don't think porn is addicting, then you are living in a dreamworld (not that porn being addicting necessarily argues that porn is bad as everything that gives pleasure, including religion, is addicting). Millions of men in the United States are addicted to porn and for one who is, it is a disabling and shaming addiction.
[Mike responds: "Says who? Anti-porn activists? Speaking of living in a dreamworld, well, physician, heal thyself. You’re the one who thinks there’s a God out there who actually cares about things here on planet earth. Try telling that to the thousands of third world infants who are dying of malnutrition at this very moment."]
How would I define porn addiction? Unless you are looking at porn for work, spending more than an hour a day with it on average is a good indication of addiction. Porn's primary purpose is solitary masturbation. However you feel about wanking, it's hard to argue that it is ennobling.
What people do in the privacy of their own homes has been an obsessive concern of at least as many non-Christian societies as Christian ones. For instance, every society has developed taboos about sex even when that sex is conducted in the privacy of one's home. There aren't many societies where incest and bestiality are OK, for instance, even when it is done in the privacy of one's home.
[Mike Ramone responds: "Sam Harris and myself aren’t talking about incest and bestiality. We’re talking about masturbating to consenting adults having sex on videotape. The Christian Right wants to outlaw that."]
Director Michael Raven writes:
The atrocities of Nazism where made possible by the extreme right wing and very religious philosophical orientation of it's own leader, Adolf Hitler. Anyone who is a serious student of history will remember the motto of his own right-wing "faith": "Kirche, Kueche, Kinder" (church, kitchen, children). Hitler was not an athiest as many modern day Christians try to present him. He shared many of the same beliefs that many Christian conservatives hold dear today. "Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord."
"Parallel to the training of the body a struggle against the poisoning of the soul must begin. Our whole public life today is like a hothouse for sexual ideas and simulations. Just look at the bill of fare served up in our movies, vaudeville and theaters, and you will hardly be able to deny that this is not the right kind of food, particularly for the youth ... Theater, art, literature, cinema, press, posters, and window displays must be cleansed of all manifestations of our rotting world ..."
"It may be that today gold has become the exclusive ruler of life, but the time will come when man will again bow down before a higher god."
"For this, to be sure, from the child's primer down to the last newspaper, every theater and every movie house, every advertising pillar and every billboard, must be pressed into the service of this one great mission, until the timorous prayer of our present parlor patriots: 'Lord, make us free!' is transformed in the brain of the smallest boy into the burning plea: 'Almighty God, bless our arms when the time comes; be just as thou hast always been; judge now whether we be deserving of freedom; Lord, bless our battle!'"
All these quotes come from Adolf Hitler's memoir "Mein Kampf."
As you can see from this small sampling of Hitler's philosophy from his own book, he shared many of the same values and social concerns that fundamental, right-wing believers hold today. In fact, aside from his anti-semitic views his own beliefs mirror many factions of contemporary fundamental Christianity.
To be more specific, Hitler believed that the Aryan race was descended from Adam and Eve, but everyone else evolved naturally. He believed that Jesus of Nazareth was an Aryan, not a Jew, and that Jesus fought the Jews and was killed by them. He believed in life after death, the supreme being, and universal creation. He opposed the Catholic church only because its seat of power was in Rome, not Berlin. He was intolerant of competing versions of Christianity but at no time did he ever commit acts or express beliefs which were not expressed by other Christians before him such as Martin Luther, as well as certain Christians after him, right up to this very day.
I leave you with these thoughts:
Hitler's writings reveal a religious fanatic: a Christian and a creationist, driven by the belief that racial intermixing was destroying the purity of God's creation (the Aryan race, which he imagined to include Jesus) by mating with naturally evolved "apes". His actions were wholly consistent with this belief. Consider:
(1) While some Christians believe that all acts of war violate God's will, the majority of Christians throughout history have believed in the idea of the "just war"; a war of good against evil, in which the good guys commit no wrong by waging war on the bad guys (for example, World War Two is widely cited as the last "just war", despite the fact that the "good guys" ended it by dropping nuclear weapons on civilian targets without explicit warning). Hitler obviously shared this belief; he thought he was fighting for a just cause.
(2) While some Christians claim that racism is inherently anti-Christian, the sheer numbers of Christian racists throughout history easily put the lie to that claim. In reality, the Old Testament is an extremely racist tome, and Jesus said very little to contradict its message of a "chosen people" in the New Testament. Moreover, the racism of both Catholic and Protestant conquerors in Africa, India, and the Americas during the age of European colonialism makes any claims of Christianity's inherent anti-racism absolutely laughable.
(3) While most Christians believe that the sixth commandment outlaws murder, they believe that it does not extend to the killing of animals. Hitler believed that non-Aryans were animals. Most Christians also believe that murder can be justified (eg- self defense). Hitler believed that the world was arrayed against Germany and that their national actions were taken in self-defense.
The interesting thing about Hitler is that if you accept his bizarre belief system, his actions actually make sense. A common thread among all white supremacists has been their hatred for racial intermixing. They see it as a "dilution" of the "purity" of the white race.
Hitler was no exception; he hated racial intermixing with the fervour of racism reinforced by his religious conviction, because he felt that non-Aryans were not human, and in his words, marriage should produce children who are "images of the Lord and not monstrosities halfway between man and ape"In his mind, his "Final Solution" was no different from the kind of extermination program one might carry out against pest animals, and in a very real sense, his creationism led directly to his racism.
Creationists have long tried to portray Nazism as the end result of Darwin's evolution theory. But his writings make it very clear that while he accepts natural evolution as the origin of other races, he does not accept that he himself was the product of natural evolution. Since Darwin's theory of evolution makes no allowance for such ridiculous exceptions to the rule, it is quite clear that despite creationist claims to the contrary, Hitler did not understand or accept evolution theory. It is clear that he was, in fact, a creationist (albeit what we would ironically refer to as a "moderate" creationist today), who believed that while evolution does take place in the natural world, the Aryan race stood apart from nature, was created by God in his own image, and had been given dominion over the Earth.
If Hitler was Christian, why didn't he take on a Christian symbol? Instead, Nazism took on the swastika, a pagan symbol. For more on this, read Dennis Prager's book Why The Jews? The Reason For Antisemitism:
Hatred of Judaism for subverting pagan values and unleashing Christianity was later expressed in a song of the Hitler Youth: "Pope and Rabbi shall be no more. We want to be pagans once again. No more creeping to Chruches. We are the joyous Hitler Youth. We do not need any Christian virtues. Our leader, Adolf Hitler, is our Savior." (Pg 160)
...Virtually every ideology and nationality in Europe had been saturated with Jew-hatred by the time the Nazis developed the Final Solution. Over the preceding decades and centuries essential elements of Christianity, Marxism and socialism, nationalism, and Enlightenment and post-Englightenment thought had ruled the existence of the Jews to be intolerable. In the final analysis they all would have opposed what Hitler had done, but without them Hitler could not have done it. (Pg 168)
While it is true that many Nazis were anti-Christian (and that Nazism itself was anti-Christian), they were all, as the Jewish philosopher Eliezer Berkovits has pointed out, the children of Christians. The Holocaust took place in Christian Europe. (Pg 108)
Chaim Amalek writes:
Read "Hitler's Table Talk" - this man was no fan of Christianity. In fact, the only religion he had anything good to say about was Islam. He felt that had the Muslims defeated Charles Martel, all of Europe would have become Muslim, and armed with its warrior's creed, German Muslims would have swept across the face of the planet.
This isn't a close call - his writings are shot through with contempt for Christianity.
Michael Raven responds: "Adolf Hitler was not aggressively anti-religious. He was in fact much the opposite. His philosophy, a mixture of christianity and paganism that empowered him and justified his criminal actions. In my opinion, Mein Kampf would better represent Hitler's belief system as opposed to book written by a third party."
Rob Longshot writes:
I suggest that Michael Raven should do more research. Here are some links, link, link.
I actually wrote a paper on this in college. Nazism was a religion of Blood. It had nothing to do with Christianity and in many ways was the antithesis thereof. They believed in the Old Teutonic Gods, the gods of Norse Mythology and also had a bent towards Tibetan Buddhism, as they believed peoples from India and Asia to be Aryan as well since they shared many skeletal features and runes, including the Black Sun and the Swastika. The Nazi Party actually formed out of the Thule Society who were an occult organization. Hitler himself believed in bringing people to the Volkisch Movement. The idea of a Master Race or Herrenvolk was central to these philosophies.
Christianity has done a lot of bad things. I was raised Roman Catholic. I can admit that. But the Nazi's, nope, not a Jesus thing.
Michael Raven responds: "I suggest Rob Longshot practicing his reading comprehension skills, then study the text of Mein Kampf. I am well aware of the roots of Nazism and never stated that it had anything to do with Christianity nor did I state that it was a "Jesus thing." I simply stated that Adolf Hitler's personal philosophy was a fusion of Christian myth and paganism. I am sure that there were "true Nazis" during the days of the Third Reich that did not share his own personal convictions, just as there are many professing Christians today who perhaps do not reflect nor identify with others proclaiming the same faith."
Winning Over Holly Through Her Dad Humphry
I have no evidence that any of the following assertions about Humphry are true, but I publish them because they amuse me and I need the column inches.
Kelly (who is 100% man) writes:
Luke: I've been away from your site for several days (doing the family/friends holiday bit) and was "saddened" to read about your split with Holly. If I might offer a bit of solace, I would be willing to bet, that Holly still cares for you (Hell!, I do, and don't even know you, personally) No one, and I mean NO ONE, I have ever read on the internet, writes with such candor, re his/her personal "demons," the way you do, and I both RESPECT, and ADMIRE you for it.I am not naive, so I recognize, that a good bit of what you write, concerning your trials and tribulations, is embellished, for your reader's sake. Still, if only HALF of what you chronicle for us is REALITY, the pathos in your life, has "deeply" affected me, and for THAT reason, I consider you a friend, and HOPE these words will both comfort, and encourage you.
To begin, you are struggling, NOT with one woman's feelngs, but with an inbred prejudice, of sorts. Humphrey, Holly's father, is a product of Dutch/Boer heritage, a strict Protestant culture, which, tried its "darndest" to keep the Jewish people from propagating South Africa. This "almost" worked, until diamonds were discovered, on the farm lands of the Boers, and they turned to the MASTER jewelers of Europe (the Jews--whose "very" name, as you well know, is synonymous with jewelry "precious."--for help in cutting and processing this "new wealth."
Thus, an intelligentsia, which was far superior to the simple Dutch farmers, not only immigrated to South Africa, but DOMINATED it, politically, socially and culturally, until, of course, the 1960's, and the native nationalism movement against imperialism. Humphrey, is old enough to remember the Jewish dominance of South Africa, and those memories, still linger. A great many large Boer land holdings, were "manipulated" out of Dutch hands during this time, and became the property of Jewish land speculators, who "always" followed closely behind the jewelers and bankers. You, Luke, are obviously devout in your Jewish faith/heritage (or you wouldn't write so much about it on this site) and therein, lies your problems with Holly.
On the outside, Holly's father, may be quite charming and engaging with you, but on the INSIDE, he wants Holly to find, her life's love, from Aryan stock. The irony of this "inner" feeling of Humphrey's is that, since the porn industry, has such a high percentage of Jewish producers, directors and performers-- he can NEVER admit these personal feelings, outwardly.
As a result, and, in the words of one of my favorite country & western songs, "Behind Closed Doors," Humphrey has told Holly his feelings, and, even now, Holly is "pondering" over them. In conclusion Luke, I would bet, that you have NOT lost Holly (if you had, she would not have bothered to respond, in such a "promising" way to your pathos) but your true BATTLE (if you REALLY care for this girl) is to WIN OVER DAD! Don't worry about Suze. As long as Holly, imho, one of the BEST cinematographers in the business, keeps, "turning out film." she'll be content, with whatever Holly does in her personal life.
Now, Luke, I'll leave it up to you, if you want to publish this, "very personal" letter. Personally, I would NOT! I would, however, on a strictly private basis, reflect on these word...
PS: GO HORNS! "Fight on, good men, Sir Andrew said, although wounded, yet not slain, I'll but lie down to bleed awhile, then rise to fight a-gain!" (excerpt from "Ivanhoe") and one of my favorite "inspirational" lines in literature.
Chaim Amalek responds:
First, is this a chick? If not, it is very gay, and I'm gay for writing in response. But let's assume that a woman wrote this.
"I would bet, that you have NOT lost Holly . . . your true BATTLE (if you REALLY care for this girl)is to WIN OVER DAD! Don't worry about Suze."
Exactly as I have noted. And I think there might be something to her analysis of this Humphrey person. The argument has been made that the Jews weakened the resolve of the Boers to prevail over the duskier tribes, and it might well be a source of stress in the life of the Knippes that they must spend so much time working with Jewish porners (which may explain their apparent affinity for Gentile pornographer Larry Flynt, which to me is very strange, given that his own daughter accused him or raping her). Like everyone else in Hollywood, clothed or not, the Knippe-Randalls are not permitted to give vent to negative feelings about God's Chosen People, lest they be driven into the sea. (That's why we house the goyim who work for us near the ocean in places like Malibu and Santa Monica - not to separate them from the Mexicans or the Shvartzes, although that is part of it, but so that in the event we must, we can drive them into the ocean without it being a huge shlep).
On the other hand, this Humphrey does not seem to be so much of an intellectual that he necessarily would care about this sort of thing. As for Suze, well, what can one say about Suze that has not already been said? I will simply note in passing that she is a product of the swinging sixties, when the stern warnings of Enoch Powell were stupidly ignored and the British and other western nations opened themselves up to colonization by their former subjects.
I don't think Humphrey objects to you on racial grounds, as you are clearly an Aryan, with an Aryan name, a pure Aryan bloodline, and an Aryan look, too. (By contrast, those who have met me see the Talmud as flesh: bloated, covered in coarse hair where none is wanted and lacking in it where much would be appreciated, hairy palms, a stunted ruin of a man in caftan who announces his presence around corners through his aversion to soap and water. And that's on a good day. Just being honest with your readers, who may otherwise be given to sexual fantasies about this curious Chaim the liberal upper west side jew Amalek.)
Of course Humphrey is the key, as I have noted to you before. Holly is very much a Daddy's Girl (but NOT, I am certain, in the Larry Flynt sort of way), who would never marry a man her Father did not care for. I think old Hump might come to like and respect you, as you are Aryan and you are a writer. But you must be manlier in your dealings with this klan than the Boers were in dealing with the ANC and show them no special favor in your writings. Challenge them on their discriminatory practices against the handicapped (who they exclude from their social circle by choosing to live on a hill not readily accessible to cripples and heart patients without cars), Muslims (I see no women wearing the habib on their site), and African American women. Quiz every member of that family on their true feelings concerning Larry Flynt, given the horrific accusations leveled against him by his own daughter. Challenge them to just say no to drugs in their personal lives, to embrace Christ (he being the Jew we semites have produced to control these people), and to do more for the White Race by urging their daughters to engage in more procreative sex with Aryans such as Luke.
Holly may yet become a proper wife to you, but it will require of you the application of enormous amounts of pressure and heat to turn this ordinary carbon of an ex girlfriend into the diamond of a wife every Jewish man desires and deserves.
PS Rabbi Gadol asks me to remind you to bring copies of those special photographs you took to our next meeting at the Federal Reserve Bank. We may need them.
Cloud 9 DVD offers living tribute to Candy Barr
Cloud 9, the Burt Reynolds comedy about an all-stripper beach volleyball team, hits stores today, ironically the same day the world learns of the death of legendary stripper Candy Barr.
Candy Barr, of course, was the original “porn star,” the stripper who wowed 'em in only cowboy hat and six shooters, girlfriend of Mickey Cohen, set up and sent to prison for marijuana because of her romance, and paroled in 1963 by Governor John Connally, shortly before he was shot by a magic bullet, and the alleged assassin shot by Candy’s pal, the strip club boss Jack Ruby…
Candy died Friday. She’d dropped out of sight in the the 1980s, but we found her and she told her story to Hard Copy about fifteen years ago.
Here’s her Dallas News obituary.
In Cloud 9, written and produced by Tabloid Baby author Burt Kearns, Brett Hudson and Oscar winner Albert S. Ruddy, there’s a tribute to Candy Barr in the character of Crystal, the rootin tootin stripper who burns up the beach with her bod-blaring beach volleyball style.
Here’s Legs McNeil’s book on the history of the adult entertainment industry.
Here's where you can find lots more pictures and information about Cloud 9.
And here’s another place to get Cloud 9 on DVD!
Hookers will be expensive in Vegas this Internext
Jay23 writes on JBM: "Past 4 years the rule was get your hooker fix before the CES crowd shows up, but now we got CES / Internext on the same days, we shall just forgot it. I have seen a VP of a major consumer product companies paying 5K for some chick that is not even worth 200 bucks during the CES time. Well 5K USD is not much in Japan I guess."
Nizla writes: "If the price goes up in Vegas does that mean it goes down in LA for those days?"
Worry About The Feds In Vegas
Don't worry about a stranger commin up to you and handing you an indictment - they will just get you in your room. the front desk is video monitared - guess who's behind the monitars. the hotel will check credit card name to a photo id - an a camera will be watching that happen - proof it's you - perfect proof - then they just nail you in your room. no need to find you on the show floor. It's that easy and your ID is verified by credit card and the photo id the hotel asked you for as proof the credit card is valid. It seems so innocent but that's how they will get you. think about it - when was the last time a hotel asked you for photo id on your credit card - doesn't happen unless they are trying to NAIL YOU - if your hotel asks you for photo ID it is because they have it in their file to GET PHOTO ID PROOF so they can serve you! Beware - the hammer is comming down this year in Vegas. more than enough to stand up in court.
Doesn't the air seem to be out of this year's Internext show?
I don't remember a show being so unanticipated.. if thats even a word..but jeez..nobody is really talking about it or seemingly looking forward to it. interesting.. i can only think next year will be much worse.
Jonathan Silverstein (a leading broker for content) writes:
I'm not very excited at all - usually Internext Vegas is my must go to show but I'm only going for a day and a half and then I have other biz to attend to in Vegas that has me more amped up. The fact that it's during CES and the AEE show killed it for a lot of people. I still think it will be a good show but I have other projects outside of Adult that are more important to me right now. Times have changed.
Brad Shaw writes: "The show itself will be a nightmare. I know many people going and staying at the other end of the strip, as far away from the show itself as possible."
Question for Jeff Steward about AVN
Christian writes on XPT: "Do you remember an unbelievably drunk Katie Gold jumping into your chair at the Grand Lux last year at AVN while Shay Sweet and I tried to hide underneath the table? Good lord I felt bad for you, you were stuck!"
Gia Jordan writes: "I was sitting across from them wondering how much Katie had to drink and if she was ok."
I wondered why Katie was crying during the AVN Awards and collapsed on Dick Nasty's shoulder.
I learned later she was drunk. At the time, I didn't know much about drunks. I was greatly concerned.
Katie came to the Nightmoves show. On the first night, she was raging drunk and sitting next to me in the limo.
Is It Wrong To Fetishize A Car?
That's one of the more interesting conundrums in my in-box today, but first, I want to address my loyal readers who were worried about me, given the intensity of my reaction to recent events in my social life. I'm fine. It's like when you have a bad case of food poisoning after eating something that looked perfectly delicious and might even have tasted wonderful, only the busboy who served it to you failed to wash his hands after defecating, and a few hours later you think life is not worth living. But then it passes, you clean yourself up, and you get on with life.
Now, on to today's most curious question. Nadine from Manhattan Beach writes Luke: "Is it normal to fetishize a car? I recently caught my husband inserting his penis into the exhaust pipe of our SUV. He did not see me, as he was too busy playing with the car, but the fact remains that I saw what I saw, and it has left me extremely upset. He first lubes the pipe with some sort of gel (which he does not use on me), wiggles himself into position, and goes at it while sitting on a low, wheeled cart. I've looked all over the internet for guidance, and I know just about anything can be fetishized, but I've found nothing. Should I be afraid to live with this man?"
The answer to this question must start where all moral inquiries, properly addressed, should start: the Torah. According to the Oral Law of the Rabbinate, that which is not prohibited is allowed. The torah does not forbid a man from inserting his penis into the tail pipe of an automobile or a light truck, provided that none of his seed has been spilled in the process, and provided that he is not needlessly endangering his (or your) health. Before confronting him, I would inspect the tail pipe for tell-tale signs of semen. It is, by the way, always a bad sign when a women discovers that her man is depositing semen in a tail pipe. Provided that is not the case, and he is not endangering his or your health (to develop that query further, one must consult both a urologist and a mechanic), I would let sleeping dogs lie.
Got a question? I've got an answer. Write to Just_ask_Luke@yahoo.com, and watch as your problem is resolved.
Is Lisa Ann Exclusive To Suze Randall?
Holly replies: "We shot her first boy/girl comeback. She is simply picky about who she will work with, and she trusted my mother to her debut. Beyond that, I don't know who she is willing to work for."
Wankus/Tyler Faith Keep It In The Family
This morning, Tyler showed me her notification emails and I was shocked to discover that one of her new sign ups for www.TylerFaith.com was my nephew.
"That's probably not your nephew," Tyler said, "someone else out there has his name too.
But I'm sure it was my nephew because his password related to something I know he is interested in.
So, I'm thinking, "hmmm...my nephew is viewing his new "Aunt" doing nasty and dirty things. And wait a minute, she has pics of me fucking her all over the members area so at the same time, he's gonna be starin' at his Uncle and Aunt doing nasty and dirty things."
He's in his 20s, so it's not like he's underage looking at this smut but there's just something wrong about this. I mean, it's really freakin' me out.
"I just took Luke's soul. Drinks are on me."
How Do You Handle a Girl Like Holly?
Chaim Amalek writes:
This was a big win for all concerned - you AND Holly, as well as Humphry. I mean, prior to your involvement with her, I had never heard of Holly or her mother, and how many books had old Humphry been selling over the last thirty years?
[Khunrum writes: "I believe his efforts must be languishing in the basement along with Luke's Producer and Jewish output. Perhaps they could team up -- Buy-One-Get-One-Free. Purchase one of Hump's and we'll toss in a free Producer's libro."]
You need to put yourself into similar situations far more frequently than you have to unleash the old, pre-medication Luke who made porners tremble with fear.
Next step: You date Holly's sister, and get her to clean up her act and fly straight. She looks like she is in need of some Torah in her life.
Bob writes:
Cool the wounded Romeo bit and keep pimpin' her site. You stay in her good graces. You stay on her Rolodex. You'll be joining Holly and Chris in a DP soon enough.
BTW I noticed a shocking resemblence between Holly and the late Dana Plato.
She doesn't know a dreydel froma butt-plug. She paid for dinner. You...her. You got some good copy. That's what I call a Hat Trick. Move on.
Chaim writes: "Robert speaks wisdom. You are coming off as too needy in all this Luke, so now is the time to cool it and maybe even start praising Holly's work on your web site. But not too much - just here and there, in dribs and drabs. Make her jump for the occasional biscuit. She is to be cultivated.
"Confucian women are better adapted to marry, have kids than are the average secular LA caucasoidal woman. Years of eating kittens and rats during days of famine have taught them the value of a good man. Just don't take this woman to a pet shop or the pound."
At 1am Sunday, just after arriving home, I emailed Holly, in part: "I'm so glad that you got to begin the new year in the embrace of someone you care about. It's obviously not me."
She replied:
I realize that you are furious with me. If it matters at all, I felt terrible when you left, and I didn't really have a good time after that. Call me what you want. Call me a slut, call me a bitch, go ahead and hate me. But know I do care for you. And I feel awful.
Sorry I'm not perfect. Exactly what did you expect from me, by the way? I am NOT the perfect Jewish wife you have been looking for, but I do have a heart. And it hurts. In the end, you do have my respect. No matter what you think of me, I will be there for you if you ask. Hate me if that makes you feel better. But I don't hate you.
After I got up later Sunday morning and huffily told Holly that I never wanted to see her again, I later sent her a two-page 15-point bulletin on how she must change if she is to have the privilege of my company.
She replied:
Luke, I never asked you to change. I accepted you for who you are. I will also never change. If you cannot accept me for who I am, well then we hit a dead end. But I don't want to fight, I really, really don't. I don't have enough hate in my heart to do so.
I'm a nice girl as long as you don't fall in love with me. Then I'm a monster. I'm sorry you hurt so much. But remember, I never wanted a boyfriend... and there is a reason for that.
You are right, I do need to grow up, but not now. Not on New Years Eve. This year, yes. But it was my party, and I will dress and act as I like.
Damn, that was clear. Why hadn't I seen her point of view?
Mike John Gone From Red Light District
Kelly writes on ADT: "They're making James Avalon features now, and they're the new distributor for Ninn Worx films. Hell, they've even brought on a former Vivid sales person to handle this new acquistion. On the other end, Vince has left to open up his own feature-gonzo company with the financial backing of Wicked Pictures. Tim Von Swine will be handling directing duties for Vince's company, perhaps done with RLD or still working on a per-scene fee. Steve Holmes is a free agent again, done for now with being an exclusive contract director. Erik Everhard has left for Evil Angel, joining a a room that is itself getting close to being overcrowded."
Chico Wang posts: "Manuel [Ferrara] who is arguably the best performer in Porn Valley. Manuel was at Boogie Nights 7.0 and he is not leaving RLD despite the rumors."
What's going on with Red Light District? Porn Scout writes: "I think it makes perfect sense to move into a different segment of the market, but you don't destroy the existing business first. The smarter thing would have been to start a third company to handle the feature business while keeping the gonzo cash cow in place. Then, once you have a foothold in the feature market, that's when you make a strategic decision to start shifting resources from one area of the business to another."
Farrah In Los Angeles
She lives in New York. She'll be visiting San Francisco soon. Her sentencing is Feb. 4th. She most likely will receive only fines, restitutuion and probation.
Tiffany Taylor No Longer Under The Radar
Smart_Ass posts to TER: "Tiffany Taylor is now accepting "private meetings" Her fee is $1,800.00 per hour and can be seen in L.A. Only if Tiffany Taylor peeks your interest than please pm me."
David writes: "What is going on in Porn Valley? Has shooting stopped completely? I know shooting slows down because of AEE and resumes after but SO many porn starlets are hooking and are blatant about it. Didn't these girls save their thousands when Derek was [having] them do 4 to 5 scenes a day 7 days a week?
"Ariana Jollee. Last year she swore that she would never hook because it's below her. Low and behold she's hooking now with Bella Models."
Reality Vs. Myth
"Pure sexual goddess" is a performance. Real people have to deal with reality, which tends to dole out a lot of crap and severely limit the time goddesses can spend being purely sexual.
Given some of the stories I've heard, I don't blame any woman for having a cold business attitude when she isn't performing for the camera, especially if she's dealing with ethically challenged producers/directors. Maybe if you watched her BTS (Behind The Scenes) from some other outfit you'd see a completely different attitude.
JamesB23 writes:
I'm well aware of what a f---ed up business the Porn world is....its just that I don't want to be reminded. It's an instant wood killer. If I actually stopped for 10 mins and thought about the porn business and what the gorgeous women involved have to endure I would never watch another movie, so I prefer to watch a performance and allow it to fuel my own fantasies. I really, really don't want to see candid BTS anymore than most men want to watch there mothers get f---ed...you know mum had to have sex to make you, but your really don't wanna see it or know about it.
MyAdultGroups writes: "Lauren and Arianna both had their game faces on; afterall, they were on set and working. Its just like athletes who are somber and serious on the playing field, but totally change personality off of it."
Pagoda writes: "I'm just the opposite. I like seeing the girls treat it as a business, being professionals. It comforts me to know that they're not allowing themselves to be exploited, and that they're not victims. To me, seeing a confident, intelligent and self-possessed woman in the BTS only enhances what I see of her in the actual sex scene. The ones who seem like mindless horny nymphos actually turn me off. But then, that's just me."
TonyC writes: "Whether a female performer's off-scene persona seems to be that of a shrewd and calculating business woman, or a sex-crazed airhead nympho, or a psychologically damaged drug-addicted runaway, why does it matter? How does it change your experience of watching her get f--ked?"
Kperv writes: "In any business that can take a personal toll like porn can, isn't it natural that some consumers would like some perceived reassurance that everyone involved have the mental capacity to know what they're getting into?"
Juha writes: "I like the Digital Playground and Wicked BTS because they support my fantasy that working in porn is fun and all people on the set are the closest friends."
Chico Wang writes: "Welcome to the real porno world. I consider that kind of BTS priceless because it shatters the fantasy, the illusion. For every Belladonna, there are a dozen Bella-don'twannas out there. Alot of times it is an act. It's count your minutes and get a check. Sometimes I even feel the same way as a director because for every minute I shoot, I feel I spend twice as much doing paperwork, stills, setting things up, drinking beers, etc. I always told myself I was going to have a good time on my sets. The minute it feels like I'm going through the motions or counting the minutes or it feels like a job, it's time to do something else. It affects everybody sooner or later, especially if a girl's been on 200 scenes before yours."
Gentleman Jon writes:
I'd rather give my money to someone who has their act together instead of someone whose life is a mess. The longer someone keeps getting paid because their product is moving, the longer it will be before they have to face that they have a problem, and get help. Of course, I'm not talking about managed, recreational marijuana use, or else I couldn't watch anyone. I have made my own personal peace with Taylor Rain, and I hope retirement and marriage works out for her, but when I saw her talking about cocaine in Unnatural Sex 12 , I felt physically ill. I do wonder who she and Fayner are to talk when they make fun of someone else for having a drug or alcohol problem, though.
I don't really care to know performers' real names, or home addresses, or phone numbers, or anything personal like that. I'm not interested in stalking celebrities, and I live thousands of miles away from any of them, anyway. But it still matters to me to know that the beautiful girls who do hot scenes are actually decent human beings. I mean, it is not a credit to the business if too many people employed by it have substance abuse problems. As far as girls with business-like attitudes go, I like to know that a girl will not allow herself to be cheated by possibly unscrupulous directors and producers.
On the other hand, if she seems too interested in becoming rich, at the expense of enjoying the work itself, that's not really a turn-on for me.
JamesB writes: "All porn has going for it is the fantasy, the illision. It serves no other purpose. As much Chico might enjoy shattering the illusion because porn is his reality, I would question the wisdom of his delight."
Luke Crushed
Smiling Arab writes in the Monkey Cage:
I'd just like to open a neutral and open thread to discuss general impressions of Holly's savage destruction of Luke's gentle Jewish spirit.
My thoughts: while I am not a hadith scholar myself, like the scions of all prominent Gulf families we keep a few on the payroll to protect us from winding up a smeared bloodstain on the wall when things get rough, so if you want to work out a fatwa for this vile display, hit me with a PM.
Also, while I could see how a chica could get creeped out by Luke's posting psychosis of every painful detail of his relationship, we're somewhat in the dark about the ins and outs (um... pun intended). Luke exposes all of the cringeworthy parts of a relationship but leaves everything beautiful out of it. It's a disturbing habit, comrade.
Is Joanna still around?
JamesN writes: "If the devotees really needed a hint of what was to commit was written weeks ago when Luke was asking for a place to stay in Vegas. If your girlfriend is some nominated directress, why would you be begging for a couch to crash on?"
Smiling Arab writes: "I believe we should hear Holly's side of why destroying Luke in public was better than doing so in private. I'm keeping an open mind here."
Willie D writes:
Unless your marital life is preordained by your caste or familial status or religious convictions, you will eventually be dumped by the one you believe is "the one." The one with that unmistakable ability to finish your sentences for your, and vice versa. As Luke has already written, this starts with a sense of disbelief and some token act of rebellion, followed by a strong desire to rid himself of any and all references to the woman in question, followed by a gut-wrenching acknowledgment that, for a brief moment, you let down your guard which has kept you relatively safe on this planet heretofore, only to get stabbed in the testicles by the anti-Cupid. It hardens the psyche -- retaliation appears legitimate.
Luke, my advice to you: keep taking pictures. Throw yourself back into your work. Just keep showing up and snapping the photos which are the lymphatic system of this here Cage. Sit back and let us caption those photos in a manner which will bring a smile to your face.
Some music a little stronger than Air Supply will also help to vent some anger and frustration. I'd personally suggest The Phunk Junkeez, Helmet, and Agnostic Front. And for G-d's sake, stay away from anything by Peter Gabriel.
Ivor Biggun writes:
I'm inclined to suspect wrong-headed game-play over deliberate malice. Holly isn't stupid. She must have had some idea of how her behavior would inflame Luke's possessive instincts, but (maybe I'm wrong) I don't read her as a bitch who would deliberately rub it in for no purpose.
Smiling Arab writes:
Holly isn't stupid, Ivor, you're quite correct, but there is an element of cultivated frivolity about her. Break those two words down and juxtapose them, as I can't express it any better. And those are the most dangerous to the sensitive Jewish soul, which craves transcendence, as the Other constantly reminds herself that nothing matters.
Luke just edited the story, but to an effect that I can't quite comprehend.
Ivor writes: "I can't do that without the word "conniving" entering my head. And my more tolerant (naive?) part prefers not to believe that. (just yet)."
Willie D writes: "The anger is seeping more into his writing. This was much more plaintive when I woke from my New Year's coma at 7:17 a.m. and first read it."
Smiling Arab writes: "I'm genuinely frightened by the changes I've noted. I only pulled this up a few hours ago, but from the time I offered my services as a fatwa pimp until now it's been altered in the most peculiar manner, with decidedly more bitterness coming through, you're correct."
Random writes:
“Jesus, only Luke could feel threatened by those champs.”
That was my first thought when I finished Luke’s recap. Most of Holly’s ex-boyfriends look like card-carrying members of the Nerd Brigade.
The Randall Party was destined to be a soul-crushing experience for Luke. Being an intelligent person, he should have seen this coming. Drugs, alcohol, ex-boyfriends, New Years -- he‘s lucky a Violation of Holly Randall wasn’t already in full swing by the time he arrived.
But let’s take this back to the beginning.
Even if you disregard that Holly forgot to invite him (and that would be a very difficult thing to disregard), he should have known going to that party would be like walking through a landmine zone with magnets in his boots -- he was bound to get hit in every direction by the one thing he’s been trying to avoid. His concern about her former lovers should have been addressed before the party. If Holly’s response was anything short of accommodating, he should never have gone.
But that's not what happened. Luke went, and now he’s going to suffer for some time.
Luke, If I have anything positive to offer you it's this: You have every right to be upset. I don't know what "stage" your relationship with Holly was at, but her behavior was immature and classless, regardless. Playing grab-ass with men who at one time had their penises in her, in view of you, is just a s----move from any perspective.
As your self-appointed spiritual counselor, I demand you binge on prescription pills and hard alcohol (that would be a lite beer for you) and nail random floozies up till and during AVN. Aggressive, inebriated sex is the only way to fill the void left by Holly.
I reply:
Holly did not do anything bad to me. She was just Holly. She was always nice and well-meaning and sounded apologetic if I was ever upset. She was often there for me when I was sick. She has a lot of things/people/ex-BFs/guys in her life that are more important to her than I am, and in the end, I could not accept that. I could not accept her for who she is (as much as I've tried over the past month). In the end, she's a burning house I must run from.
My desire was that when we were together, I would be the most important thing to her in the universe during those times (unless there was some pressing matter which I hoped she'd explain to me). I haven't gotten this wound up over a relationship in about a decade. Somehow certain people just get to you and your rational thinking is overwhelmed by other desires.
Holly did not do anything bad to me Saturday night. There was no moral imperative for her to hang out with me and exclude other guys from her affections. There was no moral imperative for her to kiss me as the New Year began.
She's always had other priorities above being with me. I've been someone she fit in at the times she felt like it and I went along with this like a good little whipped puppy dog. I accepted that I served at her convenience. As she paid for all our dates, as she paid for the piper, she selected the tune and I danced to it until five seconds into Jan 1.
We all make our choices and then we must live with them.
ChickenMaster writes me: "I found your crying dribble mildly infuriating. I like your coverage of the citadel of western civilization that is called adult entertainment, but it all becomes too much when you realize what a fragile ego the reporter is. You reign as god over these people if you wield your power correctly. Don't give in, crush all those who would stand in your path. Good luck dude, I know it hurts."
Smelly Monkey writes: "Holly has the looks of someone who is girlfriend material but the mentality of the hot girl who dies for male attention, I'm guessing it has a lot to do with her running away from his racist upbringing in a neo-nazi/white children of god cult. She fills the void with men and stealing from those who she feels undeserving of money. Its Julia Roberts Syndrome, Julia had it, Keith Richards has it, Holly Randall and Tanta's wife all have it. Luke needs someone far darker and weirder anyways, someone like Sammura, that would be some repressed angry sex right there, I'll give you both $500 to film it."
Chuck Spears writes: "Last minute invite's a bad sign. You'd be more of a pimp for not even going. Then she'd be all over you. You're in LA man. Don't you listen to Leykis 101?"
Holly Randall posts:
I'm sorry. I have this horrible thing called a conscience, and it's bothering me right now. Luke, you know I never meant to hurt you. I don't like to hurt anyone. Yes, I have a lot of ex-boyfriends. And I am friends with them all. Did you not notice they brought their girlfriends? Chris and I broke up 7 years ago. He knows me better than anyone, and we still work together. You will see me with him in Vegas. He is one of my best friends. I don't know what else to say; I won't rehash my personal issues on a chatboard, but many things you said about me were true. I am very selfish, and I should have behaved better. Again, I apologize. I think that's all I can do at this point.
Amalek writes me: "Your contretemps with temptress Holly have made you the talk of the porn world. Now start thinking like a Jew and figure out a way of monetizing her attempted castration of you."
Monstar posts:
Luke, in times like this, stay away from the firewater. Turn the lights down low and the Air Supply up. Rawk it...
I know just how to whisper
And I know just how to cry
I know just where I find the answers
And I know just how to lie
I know just how to fake it
And I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth
Fred emails me questions and Amalek answers them for me:
1. Luke, do you think that the ex-boyfriends still have feelings (beyond mere friendship) for Holly?
1. Yes, they enjoyed having sex with her and likely would have sex with her again were the opportunity to present itself. In time, that will go for Luke, too.
2. Do you think Holly still has feelings (beyond mere friendship) for the ex-boyfriends?
2. Yes, she both liked having sex with them and she likes them as friends.
3. Do you think Holly derives any pleasure from putting all the ex-boyfriends in one room and watch as she gives attention to this one or that, with the possibility/likelihood of leaving at least a few of them in a state of angst?
3. Yes, as would we all.
4. Is the problem here that you are possessive of something you don't possess? Or that she is callous?
4. The problem was that Luke had far more emotional committment to Holly than she ever had to him, a dismal state of affairs that he telegraphed by being the first to issue a declaration of love in this affair. The problem was compounded by Holly's intoxication, the presence of numerous stimuli, and Luke's sensitive nature.
Chaim Amalek writes:
In an era of open borders (at least those leading into White majority lands), every time a White woman breaks a white man's heart in an especially thoughtless way, she is pushing a white man somewhere into the arms of a cunning Asian woman.
I accuse she-who-shall-not-be-named of racial treason against the White Race, for so harming Luke's sense of self esteem that news of it is somewhere poisoning another white man's heart against white women.
No wonder South Africa fell.
If only you took a vow on the sefer torah to do as I instruct, your life would be so much better. amalekchai: More money, more fame, more honor, better women.
> OK.
Then take the oath of allegiance: You take an oath to a man whom you know follows the laws of providence, which he obeys independently of the influence of earthly powers, who leads you, and who will guide your fate. Through your oath you bind yourselves to a man who--that is your faith--was sent to you by higher powers. Do not seek Chaim Amalek with your mind. You will find him through the strength of your heart!
Khunrum writes: "I'll wager Luke wasn't as hurt as he claims after being romantically shunted aside at Holly's holiday gathering. After all, there was good food, plenty of bottled water, copy for the site and lively dialogue with her father who flattered our boy."
I believe my writing on the party was my best writing in months. That's what people keep emailing me.
Khunrum replies: "Goes to prove that people want the real Luke. The Luke who bares his soul, not the lazy "cut and paste" Luke."
Mike John Leaves Red Light District
He was their best-selling director. I wonder if he will join the string of director who've left Red Light and are suing the company. I hear they have formidable cases. Vince Voyeur, former RLD production manager, is leading that suit through attorney Allan Gelbard. I suspect Mike John will head to Voyeur's new gonzo company (financed largely by Steve Orenstein).
The computer harddrives at RLD with all its accounting have been seized so that there can be no tampering with the evidence.
Why Leanni Lei?
I got this email from the administrator of Leannilei.com: "Leanni Lei [her blog] has left her loving husband (some of you know as djspoz) and two stepchildren to become a full-time ESCORT. It makes me sick that she has returned to this life. I thought it was over. It started after some financial troubles. And now it's all she wants. She has destroyed our family. We will never be the same. We love her and hope she is safe. There is a side of Leanni you don't know. She is (was?) a great mom and a perfect wife. But we have lost her to the immoral world again. She is so much more than what she is doing. All I can say is why?"
About two weeks ago, my friend Fred wrote me: "As I recall, about 3 or 4 years ago, there was a porn actress who was in college, Leanni Lei, or some such thing--a very distinctive-looking Philippina. Was she able to get through without being "outed"?"
Holly Randall Welcomes In The New Year With A Man She Values
Amber (Suze.net webmistress), Holly Amber, Holly Holly, Hollywood director Zev Berman, Melissa from Pleasurechest.com Suze Randall with her youngest child Lucy Lucy, Suze Lucy, Suze Suze, Penthouse Pet Crystal Klein Suze, Crystal Holly with her ex-boyfriend Brian and his wife Rosie Holly, Rosie, Brian Crystal, Holly, Rosie, Brian Crystal, Holly Crystal, Holly, Rosie Crystal, Holly, Rosie Holly and Rich (Crystal Klein's fiancee) Holly, Rich Crystal Klein Crystal Crystal Crystal pic pic Holly gets a refill on champagne Holly hoists champagne Brooke Haven, Holly Brooke, Holly Brooke, Holly Holly and her dad Humphry Knipe Holly, Humphry Humphry, Albert Lee Humphry, Albert Lee Humphry, Albert Lee Nick, Suze, Jackie Suze with her son Nick and his girlfriend Jackie Nick, Suze, Jackie Nick, Suze Nick, Suze
Thursday. 9am. A friend IMs me. "Are you coming to Holly's party Saturday? You guys are so right for each other. I can't wait to see you in action."
"That's the first I've heard about it," I reply. "So I guess not."
I email Holly the first sentence of the IM I received. Six hours later, she calls me back. "Of course you can come, darling. It's an annual party. We don't even bother to send out invites. I forgot to tell you."
Saturday it rains, sometimes hard. I figure I'll skip the party.
Saturday night, the rain ends. I call Holly for the zip code of her parents' home.
She's distracted. She obviously has one hundred things on her mind aside from talking to me. But she eventually gives me the zip code and I use Yahoo maps as a complement to her explicit directions from Friday.
I start my drive tailed by two police cars (I check my pocket and realize I've left my wallet at home). Then they drop away. The 45-minute drive is smooth and sweet. I arrive at the home of Holly's parents at 9pm.
I park on the road and walk the third-of-a-mile uphill. A fancy import in front of me spins its wheels madly as it tries to mount the final hill.
As I approach the house, a tractor comes down the hill and though I scrunch to the side into the bushes as much as I can, there's still only a foot between its blade and me. I feel like the driver is toying with me.
The tractor stops beside me.
"Are you Luke?" asks Suze.
"Yes."
"You're the smart one parking down on the road.
"Go upstairs and say hi to Holly. She's curling her hair. Go right in."
"Thank you."
"I'm going to grade the driveway one more time."
"Bye."
I walk in the house and introduce myself to Holly's father Humphry Knipe.
"Hi," he says.
"Where can I get a drink?" I ask.
"Around the corner."
I round the corner. The bartender tells me if I want water, it's around the corner.
I round that corner, see nothing, then round another corner outside.
Humphry comes
out.
"Where could I find some water?"
"What type of water?" he asks.
"Regular flat water."
"Just round the corner inside."
I retrace my footsteps and find the water cooler. I have a stiff drink of flat water and then sit down in a corner in the livingroom.
Ten minutes go by. I kick myself for not wearing a belt so that my jeans would be tight enough to hold Ask Albert Ellis? Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America's Best-Known Psychologist against my bum for easy access in times of boredom and crisis.
I look around the room and see no books.
Amber (Suze.net webmistress, she started the site in 1996) is the first person to really talk to me. The poor girl has taken a whipping on my site over the past couple of weeks (none of it directed by me at her, just my quoting webmasters annoyed and disgusted with the suze.net webmaster program).
"You're the one who told Holly that because I like the Dallas Cowboys, I must be a fag."
"That wasn't me," lies Amber.
She's sweet. She's kind. She's beautiful. She makes me feel at home.
Eventually Holly (holding a nearly-empty beer bottle) comes down and welcomes me. She's stoned (she began the day smoking marijuana resin, all that was left in her pipe, it's much stronger than regular grass, and the friend she shared it with is still knocked out twelve hours later with a ringing headache) and drunk and dressed like a hooker. I love that.
Luke: "Who did you give bad pot to?"
Holly: "Today? We smoked some resin. I told her this is all I've got. If you want some, you can smoke some."
What I love even more is to watch her spending the evening exchanging caresses with the dozen or so men at the party that she's fucked.
But this is not to say that she does not make distinctions. It's most important for her to be with her ex-boyfriend and coworker Chris. She needs to repeatedly hold on to him right in front of me. She needs to repeatedly break away from talking to me to drape herself over him and whisper in his ear. I love that because they were so wonderful when they were a couple. Nary an unkind word or thoughtless action.
If the only pictures I got to see of Holly locked in embrace with ex-boyfriends (ones I repeatedly asked her to take down) were the ones in Holly's house and on her website, that would not be enough. I need to see it repeatedly in my face. That way I get the full effect and I realize how much I mean to her and how clearly she wants to communicate that to me.
During my sum total of 15-minutes with Holly, her mind is elsewhere. There are a hundred things and people at the party more important to her than me. The legs to the fire grill rate about a nine on her 1-10 scale of importance (ten being of premium importance). Getting refills of champagne is a ten for her. I feel that I rate about a two (along with the starving in Africa). The only time I can sustain her attention is when I aim the camera at her (or when she's reviewing her pictures in my viewfinder).
I spend most of my night talking to Holly's parents. I give them a brief sketch of my first eleven years.
They're every bit as charming as Holly promised they would be.
Holly told me when I first met her that her mom had eternally repented for writing her 1977 174-page memoir Suze because it burned so many bridges, particularly to Hugh Hefner and Playboy. Suze tells me she has no regrets about the book. Humphry says he'll happily get me a copy of it (and of his first book Pecking Order). I've been asking Holly to come up with them since I met her. She never has.
Humphry seems ambivalent about the burned bridges the book Suze created. He misses the weekly visits to the Playboy mansion. But he's glad helped build a bridge to Larry Flynt.
If I were to accept everything Holly's parents tell me as 100% true, then much of what Holly's told me about them is not true. Someone somewhere has flawed perceptions.
Porn is like a family. When we have better information about each other, we can make better decisions. Author Stephen Fried argues that every family would benefit from having a skilled journalist come in, get everyone's stories, fact-check them, and then lay out the facts. People often hate each other and refuse to talk to each other over false stories.
Meeting Holly's parents has made all the difference in my understanding of them and of her.
Knipe is working on a fascinating and controversial new novel about porn.
Suze does not like to read Humphry's work in progress and is afraid to offer any critique of it.
I largely talk to Humphry about writing. I tell him about rereading my late mother's book Fireside Stories.
"That's why you're so fucked up," he says. "Religion and losing your mother."
Humphry says that in the age of nuclear weapons and terrorism, religion could kill us all. He praises the recent book by Sam Harris, The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason.
I heard Harris demolished on Dennis Prager's radio show (August 16, 2004). It wasn't fair. Prager already knew all of Harris's arguments but poor Sam hadn't thought about Prager's challenges. Sam thought it had done so poorly in the debate, he asked Prager to come back on the show when he was better prepared.
I ask Humphry what percentage of people can live happily without religion.
"That's a good question," he says. He admits that many, maybe most, would not be able to do without it.
"They will seek substitute religions," I say, thinking of communism and Nazism which replaced Christianity as leading ideologies in Europe in the 20th Century. Those ideologies, based on hatred of God and religion, slaughtered far more people (over 100 million within 40 years) than all religious wars and persecutions in all of history put together.
"Sam lays out a framework for a secular humanist approach to life," says Humphry, "but I only skimmed over it."
"That sort of stuff will only appeal to a tiny number of intellectuals," I reply. "It's not a rubric for ordinary people to lead a meaningful and happy life."
"I'm happy without religion," says Humphry.
He says that he was motivated to write his Nero novel because he wanted to show the stupidity of religion.
"You regard astrology as a religion?"
"Yes. It is based on faith. There is no evidence for it."
"Does astrology have a moral code?"
"No."
"I've always thought of astrology as a pagan nature religion. I was disappointed that your book didn't link Christianity to its roots in Gnosticism and the pagan mystery religions. While the Christians took the Jewish Bible, all their uniquely Christian beliefs such as a god coming to earth and becoming man who dies for our sins and we can have eternal life if we eat his flesh and drink his blood, these beliefs are all Hellenic paganism."
Humphry repeatedly introduces me as the "famous internet scourge of the Adult industry."
He describes the tone of my writing as "vitriolic."
Suze Randall gets 291 words, and Holly Randall 125 words.
People must care more about porn than ideas.
I get some photos of Humphry with musician Albert Lee.
Brooke Haven is recovering from a nasty flu. She comes to the party with Derek of LADM.
I meet Holly's ex-boyfriend Zev Berman, the Hollywood director, who comes with busty blonde publicist Melissa (she does a show on KSEXRadio.com every Tuesday called Baadmasters’ Dungeon) from thePleasureChest.com.
"Did you come here to get blackmail pictures?" Holly asks Zev.
"I already have all blackmail pictures I need," he laughs.
"Tell me more," I say.
"No," says Holly, looking guilty. "Let's not go there."
I meet Holly's ex-boyfriend XXX, an author, with his beautiful young wife.
At 11:45pm, I walk around the party until I find Holly by the bar. She's got a full eight-ounce cup of vodka (with a little cranberry juice).
I want to give things one last chance. Why go away mad when you can go away glad?
"Aren't you violating the rule you told me about Friday [she was painfully hungover on a week during which she had resolved not to drink, we went to breakfast]?" I ask. "That you should never have more than two types of alcohol drinks in a night?"
"Since when do I follow the rules?" she says.
"Good point."
As the crowd counts down the seconds to the new year, Holly and I lean against each other. She pulls out her camera.
She must want a picture of us bringing in the new year. She wants me. She wants to treasure me as I treasure her. She wants a picture of us to place in frames around her home instead of those of the 40 or so men who proceeded me into her.
But I'm wrong. She has no interest in me. She's not taken a picture of me all night. She wants a picture with Chris.
As we enter 2006, I turn to Holly to kiss her for the first time in three weeks, but I only see her back leaping in the air.
She wants to spend this precious time with someone she values.
Jumping from her seat, Holly hurls herself into Chris's arms and gives him a passionate kiss on the lips.
I turn away and leave her in the arms of people who want to fuck her.
If you are curious why Holly acts the way she does, you might want to research the term "love addict."
It's a cold and lonely 15-minute walk through the mud to my car. Midway down, I open up my zipper and take a long leak good-bye.
I arrive home at 1am and get on my computer.
Then I look down. I've tracked Holly's mud into my hovel. I vacuum and scrub but I can't get rid of the filth.
Her mud is all over my hovel, all over my shoes and jeans, and all over my life. It's time for a massive housecleaning. A New Year means a new beginning. I never make New Year's resolution, but this year I make one to clean the mud out of my life.
With the wisdom of hindsight, I now realize I should've stuck around so that I could've gotten in line and tasted Chris (and her other lovers) on Holly's lips. She did call my home at 12:24pm to say that she wanted to kiss me (along with about 20 other guys I'm sure).
What a glorious sensation it would've been to have tasted those drunken men on her mouth and breathe in their smell on her body.
With a few more drinks, I bet Chris, Holly and I could've smoothed our differences with a double-anal scene videotaped by her parents and lit by her siblings.
Just by hanging with Holly, I can feel what it's like to be banged by 40 guys.
Until Saturday night, I mainly saw Holly's previous lovers laid out on her refrigerator (and in frames in almost every room of her house, including the bedroom), on her website, and sometimes at parties (or those who just unexpectedly walk into her home when I'm with her, I guess they've been granted that right).
Now I've met a dozen of them in one night and gotten to see her do everything with them short of opening up an orifice and bringing them inside. I love that. I love how it makes me feel. I love dating and sleeping around. It's such a wonderful preparation for a lasting marriage.
Thanks to the miracle of the Internet, we can all enjoy the handsome visages of Holly's ex-boyfriends. It makes a man feel so special when he sees daily reminders of his girl's ex-lovers and gets to constantly hear about how much they mean to her (how she's canceling a snowboarding trip to host a birthday party for a boyfriend from seven years ago).
Though many people break up in anger, that is not true with Holly and I. Though twelve years my junior, she has taught me to not look back in anger, but in love.
Thus, it is with love in my heart that I lay out the following photo gallery that I've been forced to constantly confront since I met Holly, and visited her home and website. She's a special girl to be able to maintain such an intimate connection with so many men. (When I contemplate the wonder that even I rate a couple of pictures and a link, my heart swells with pride that I was such a special notch on her belt.)
Some people might read sarcasm into my commentary. They should not. Holly is the sweetest girl. She never did anything bad to me. That I was not more important to her is my problem, not her's. That I have had no appetite since DEC 11 is my problem, not her's. That I am a basketcase right now is my fault, not her's. Holly was only good to me. My problem was that I wanted more than she could give. I was not content with sloppy seconds, with tasting Chris's kiss on her lips. If only I wasn't so homophobic, I could've joined the gangbang fun.
Holly and Chris
Holly and her ex-boyfriend Zev.
Thomas Rifter (Chris) and Holly.
Holly with best-friend Angie and Thomas Rifter (Chris)
For too long, I have been afraid that I am the only person who truly appreciates these photos. Now it gives me great joy to share them with the world.
Holly had a heart -- how shall I say? -- too soon made glad, too easily impressed; she liked whatever she looked on, and her looks went everywhere. It was all one! My favor at her breast, the dropping of the daylight in the West, a bar tender, a movie director, a journalist, a professor, a dom. Each drew from her alike the approving speech, the blush, the blowjob.
She thanked men, -- good! but thanked somehow -- I know not how -- as if she ranked me with any other man. Who'd stoop to blame this sort of trifling? Even had you skill in speech -- (which I have not) -- to make your will quite clear to such a one, and say, "Just this or that in you disgusts me; here you miss, or there exceed the mark" -- and if she let herself be reproved, there would be some stooping, and I choose never to stoop.
She smiled, no doubt, whenever I with her; but who was with her without much the same smile?
Vilnii writes:
Amalek was wrong! In hindsight, Holly did not invite you over to her party to introduce you to her parents. You were invited because she wanted to make a point, and it appears she made sure you got the message. The good news is that what you feel now (well-written by the way) is as bad as it gets. In men, the emotions and hurt typically wear off quickly from here on.
You are getting suggestions from all over. It is amazing how everybody is trying to help you make it with Holly...but dude, the fact that you did not get an advance invitation to her New Year's Party is not a promising sign - even though you both seem perfectly matched. You may have to surrender and retreat here. It's been interesting to watch your intense withdrawal symptoms though. If Holly actually reads your site she must realize what effect she has had on you. I think she knows she has turned your head. Women can sense stuff like that.
David Clark writes: "My sympathy & empathy -- it's just L.A., Luke. That's the way they are, here. Cheer up, you've got the convention to look forward to -- I'm sure Vegas will be the life-affirming, intellectually stimulating & tasteful love-in that it is every January!"
Frank writes: "I suspect a more solemn life is your destiny. Meanwhile every schnook sits home with his miserable family wishing he could be partying with porners. What can you do?"
Fritz writes: "Sorry about your heartbreak, Luke. In the end, though, you did get a wonderful story out of it."
JMT writes: "So, will you be staging the Cal Jammer Incident at Holly's place, or the Randall hilltop compound? And are you going to wait until she gets the restraining order when the courts reopen on Tuesday, or just do it now?"
James DiGiorgio writes: "Your night might not have been doomed had you not opted for the flat water and passed on the resin offer."
Bill writes:
So you really broke the blade off inside Holly this time, huh? You fixed it so you won't be put in that position again. I cringed when I read it. Not because what happened to you is rare. It happens to guys all the time. They just don't admit it. Still, it produced your best writing in months.
Pike writes:
I just read about the party. Except for Suze on the tractor (that's a riot), the rest made me wince, I could barely get through it.
I have been in that position more times than I would like to remember. Sorry to hear it was so horrendous.
That ranks up with my worst date, being invited to dinner by a girl, who didn't tell me it was her wedding rehearsal dinner (I had no idea she even had a boyfriend). And to make matters worse at the wedding rehearsal dinner, her parents asked me to say grace (prayer for the food), and being the polite shmuck I am, I actually did say grace.
Well, the good news is she married that guy, had a horrible marriage, and got divorced, so I guess it all turned out good in the end. Heh.
Go see Match Point, that new Woody Allen movie.
Read "The Game," and you'll see how truly whacked women are. The brilliance of Strauss and these pick up artists is not how smooth or clever they are, but what they do get is how women really think, which is far crazier than I ever would have imagined.
Fred writes:
We’ve all been there, they smart pretty girl who like us, but can’t seem to let go of former boyfriends, and really is smart enough to be able to see the problem it’s causing us for themselves. You find yourself frustrated and neglected. This is not good.
What you must realize is that smart pretty girls aren’t like you and me. They don’t realize, or at least don’t admit to themselves, that the ex boyfriends still want to get in their pants. They also don’t realize that they themselves want to get back into their ex boyfriends pants, and that their difficulty in letting go is a consequence of that desire.
What you need to do is to ponder your future. Do you want to be with Holly? Does she actually want to be with you? If the answer is yes to both those questions you need to actually talk with her and resolve your AND her issues concerning ex boyfriends.
Amalek writes:
Today you need to rent and view (again) the movie "The Rapture" starring Mimi Rodgers. With the love of Christ Jesus, women can change.
One of my favorite guilty pleasures in reading material is a pair of books by this blackwoman: "The Blackman's Guide to Understanding the Blackwoman" and "The Blackwoman's Guide to Understanding the Blackman" You could take your experiences and turn them into a book that a mass market might actually want to read: "The Jewish Man's Guide to Understanding the Gentile Woman" and "The Shiksa's Guide to Understanding the Jewish Man."
There is a big market out there for the man who dares write about these topics. Why not Luke? You could bang it out in a month, sell it to a publisher, and be making coin as well as getting your kisser on TV shows in LA. And . . . you could use it to make proper use of all the venom you've got stored inside. Or, "Luke's Guide to Hollywood Women" and "So you want to date a porn star." Jesus H. Christ, these are good ideas.
The Luke Relationship Library A series of instructional videos (rated PG13 to hard R) in which you and some friendly porn women explain how to pick up chix.
From the depths of my hurt and passive nature I hear a cry, a cry for revenge for the slights that I was subjected to at the dawn of the new year. Thanks to the endless messages from my inner-party "friend" Chaim Amalek, I had been led to believe that I would be spending this special moment with a woman to whom I was a special man. No such luck. Instead, I emerged from the experience a social cuckold, a rejected older man and despised Jew, debasing himself before the goyim when I might otherwise have been enjoying myself with my own kind, eschewing alcohol and perhaps picking up another "blat" of Talmud. Leaving the scene of my shame, I drove home and crawled into bed, a defeated man.
But my boys do not want me to accept defeat lying down. They are made of stuff far more ancient and primitive than this putatively neurasthenic, Talmud-studying Luke seems to be. They are are not as refined as I, and in fact, are African in their view of women. They are now urging me to review Philipe Rushton's master-work, "Race, Evolution and Behavior" for inspiration as to what to do next.
'Shouldn't you be getting ready to head to Holly's party?'
Fran: What are you wearing?
Fran: I really liked what you wore at the Vegas party.
Luke: jeans, sweater,
Fran: I like your suit better
Fran: Is that suit custom tailored? It makes you look so posh
Fran: I really thought you were rolling in $$$ when I saw you in it that
night.
Fran: I thought, "Gee, I'll bet he lives in Century City."
Fran: Are you taking a gift to the party?
Luke: No. New Year's gifts? Never heard of that.
Fran: Well, you are meeting her parents for the first time. Don't you
want to make a good impression?
Luke: I was invited at the last minute as an afterthought. If it was a
big deal, I would've been invited in advance. I'm just going for the story.
Fran: Oh. You're going to write about it? Did you ask Holly if its ok?
Luke: no
Fran: Has she asked you about the sex stuff that you post on your blog
about her?
Luke: she reads it, but has a thick skin
Fran: impressively thick. I was shocked that you were so explicit.
Fran: Are you staying with her overnight?
Luke: dunno
Fran: Did you ask her?
Luke: no
Fran: You could try to seduce her with some roses?
Luke: no
Fran: Women want romance, Luke.
Luke: She likes to be in charge and make these decisions.
Fran: You should watch Oxygen and Lifetime Network.. you could learn about
how to woo a woman.
Pike writes: "Sheesh! That hits so close to home its scary! I used to date this girl, and she was doing her stand up comedy debut at the Comedy Store and she asked everyone to come, but not really me (the guy she was dating). She was like "Eh, come if you want." So I didn't go because it felt like an afterthought. Well, she never forgave me for not going and broke up with me soon after."
Reality Vs. Myth
After reading on here about the wonders of BTS footage I decided to check some out. I began to watch some Anabolic footage of Lauren Phoenix (My no.1 girl) and I had to turn off...the reason being that her cold business attitude, her talking about money and asking how much longer she had to be on set, her smiling and looking sexy for the camera then being cold and disinterested when it was off her, her wiping the cum off her face with a hanky and looking vaguely disgusted could almost kill off my lust for her. I much prefer her as a pure sexual goddess rather than canny business woman. I know this is the reality but pls, keep it away from me. I have realised that I have no interest in what porn stars are actually like because I don't want to know if x person is a bitch, pushy, cold, illiterate, inarticulate etc. Porn is about fantasy and myth...get too close and you will find out stuff you wish you didn't know.... BTS only serves to show what gullible chumps us porn fans are.
I got a month membership to the Anabolic site and its on some BTS footage they have on there. Its really f---ed with my head...Ariana Jollee (who I love) also comes across as the coldest person in the world.
Pornofying The Old Testament
AVN Editor Mike Ramone writes on AVN.com's blog:
When is the definitive porn version of the Old Testament (as filled with wanton sex as anything produced here in Porn Valley) ever going to be made? (No, the two versions of Sodom and Gomorrah from 1974 and 1993 don't count). Seems like a natural and hey - the other side hates us anyway - so let's not be inhibited by the controversy the project would surely generate, shall we? Or, to paraphrase Bonnie Raitt, "let's really give them something to talk about." My boy Zupko, that wonderfully perverse fallen Catholic, seems just the man for the job. Now what production company is feeling well, bold? Remember, there's really no such thing as bad publicity.
There can never be a definitive film version (in any genre) of the Old Testament because it is not a book but a collection of many books written over hundreds of years. The material is too vast to have one definitive film version.
As far as porn and religion, it's been the tradition in American porn (as opposed to porn from Catholic countries) to keep the two separate.
The Hustler Tattler 2005 Awards
The Hustler Tattler writes:
To close out the year, the Hustler Tattler wanted to recognize the best and brightest of Hustler magazine, but seeing as that wasn’t possible, we compiled this list instead:
Most Disgusting Habit
Hustler Editorial Director Bruce David, who reportedly eats, drinks, cuts his hair, chokes down pills, and spits pill water during phone interviews for feature stories. The Hustler Feature Editor has no choice but to sit there and witness this gross spectacle. Thank heavens Bruce hasn’t bought a portable urinal.
Laziest Employee
Former Features Editor Carolyn Sincl-ir, who was too lazy to format or edit her freelancers’ articles. She just simply shoved her work, via e-mail, onto the copy editor. In a two-fer, Carolyn conned Research Director Mark Johnson into being her personal chauffeur.
(Runner Up)
Bruce David, who had his lawyer draft a letter to Larry Flynt explaining why he couldn’t haul his lazy ass out of bed and get to work at 9am like everyone else at LFP. Bruce now rolls in around 10:30am, wastes hours on personal projects, thinks up his enemy flow charts, bullies people, and goes home.
Worst Article
Crackpot David Ray Griffin and his wacky 9/11 conspiracy theories (Hustler August 2005). Griffin then answered his critics (September 2005) by citing his own book! Nice circular reasoning. Hustler has now entered the Lyndon LaRouche league of credibility.
(Runner Up)
How to Pick up Women in AA (Nov. 2005) by Josephine Fontaine: a pen name for Carolyn S-nclair and her CSUN college buddy Shannon. What could have been a funny article (had it been written by alky Scott Fayner) was dull and boring thanks to these grim gals.
Lamest Excuse
When trying to defend the Microsoft gang rape sex parody (July 2005), Bruce David claimed that the female victim was enjoying the mayhem (Holiday 2005), “Notice the big smile on her face.”
We’d recommend therapy for Bruce, but he already tried it at his wife Wendy's insistence.
(Runner Up)
Bruce David defending the Gord layout (Feb. 2005) of women bound to cars like ornaments with metal shoved in their mouths. “The models are enjoying it,” he claimed.
Dumbest Idea
Bruce David’s short-lived cartoon “Mind Games.” This awkward confessional about his deep fear of women wasn’t funny, it was creepy. A 60-year-old man trying to get up the guts to approach 20-year-old women? Ugh!
(Runner Up)
The Valcourt brothers' one page "What would Jesus do?" skit every month. Guys, you're not Bill Hicks, or even Sarah Silverman. What would Jesus do? He would tell you to get out of comedy.
Most Hypocritical
Tie: Bruce David and Carolyn Sincl-ir who whined every month about the "theocracy of the religious right," but never raised a peep about the religous left's involvement in politics. Where was their mighty moral outrage when the Rev. Al Sharpton ran for President, or when John Kerry went to black churches to drum up votes? The truth is, they don't mind religion mixed with politics, as long as it agrees with their political leanings.
Pre-nom for 2006, (Hustler Feb 2006)
In her Mancow intro, Carolyn Sincl-ir declaring the end of Howard Stern by gloating over his "retreat to satellite radio." Umm, that so-called retreat is the most highly anticipated event of 2006, made the cover of Esquire, and will probably revolutionize satellite radio. Carolyn the clueless strikes again.
LFP Tours Suck - Goodbye Webquest
Jane writes:
Look, Laurel from LFP just posted on GFY.com about a Hustler contest where they are going to give any webmaster that sends eight joins an entry into a contest where they can win a Canon Cybershot camera and a web designer replied with an offer to redesign the LFP affiliate program tours.
LFP desperately needs new tours. I've never seen a company with such a massive archive of photos and video use them so poorly to advertise their websites. Its as if they give their internet department a small handful of photos to use and nothing else. Heaven forbid they have video on their tours like 90% of their competitors. The really odd thing is that the quality of video in the pay section of the site is excellent. Literally every Hustler movie can be seen via the website, but how are surfers going to know that? They aren't seeing it on the tours.
How Luke Must Comport Himself at the Randalls Tonight
Chaim "Liberal Upper West Side Jew" Amalek writes to Luke:
According to the calendar of the goyim, this is the last day of the year,
and as good a time as any for taking stock and looking at what comes next.
We cannot be certain of anything in life but the passage of time. And
what a time 2006 will be for you! In May you turn 40, and at that instant,
you will cease to be welcome at the Friday Night Live Jewish singles events
you are fond of attending. Already they have been posting sentinels against
your presence, preparing for that day in May when you cross over to the
other side, lose your boyish charm and officially enter the ranks of creepy
old men trolling for the young flesh of the Jewess. (True, most of those
Jewesses are not that young - only the demographically doomed can regard
a 36 year old spinster as "young," but that's for another post.)
And yet hope still exists. God, Jehovah, Jesus, or the learned elders
of Zion have chosen to place in your social path a young, fertile, sexually
desirable woman who is every sane man's dream. Moreover, unlike the Semitic
women of your community, she is a woman to whom neither explanation nor
apology for what you do to support yourself is necessary. A woman who
is tolerant of your economic status and who, since childhood, has been
raised by the example of her mother to think that supporting a husband
is what a woman is supposed to do. (Is this not evocative of a practice
within our own community? For centuries, the most desirable daughters
of the well to do were mated to promising scholars of the Talmud and expected
to support them while they sat on their seats, doing intellectually demanding
work.)
Of course I'm speaking of Polly Randall, who has telegraphed her interest
in you many times, even after you have almost queered the deal by responding
to her womanly charms with unmanly displays of low self esteem. That won't
do here. To win Polly, you must be a man, for only a man is worthy of
a woman such as her.
This evening you will attend a New Year's Eve party at the Randalls, where
you will meet Polly's mother Vickie and her father Humpbert. She's introducing
you to them because like any dutiful daughter, she wants their approval
before permitting you to make any future inroads into her heart. She wants
you to make the right moves, and with my help you will - I've got it all
worked out.
The key to this evening is not Polly (you are already under her skin),
nor her mother, but her father, Humpbert. He is one of the scattered remnants
of a defeated tribe - White Boers of South Africa - who themselves belong
to a race that is losing the battle for global dominance. During the course
of your initial conversations with him, move the discussion over to this
general topic, and frame the issue with strict, Jobotinsky style arguments
developed for Zionism, but adapted to the current needs of the White Race.
This will bring a look of hope and wonder to his eyes, as he begins to
see within you the man his people needed, but never could produce.
The next step is to plant within his Boer mind the thought that the choice
for his daughter is either you, with your sturdy Aussie genes, or - who
knows? A Mexican? A ne'er-do-well married jerk? An arab with two other
wives who is looking for a third?
This brings us to the most critical social maneuver of the evening. But
for this to work, you will need the help of a complicit negro, and I'm
afraid that much like most Hollywood Lifestyle Liberals, these Polly's
parents might not have any friends of color with whom they socialize.
So perhaps you should invite a few of your own to show up, like that nice
Mister Marcus, or perhaps Lexington Steele. Cue them in so that they know
what you are up to. It is sad to have to appeal to racial feelings to
win over a woman, but all is fair in love and war. Just make sure that
you have a black friend there by whatever means necessary. I want this
man to be a large buck, and I want him to make the moves on Polly in full
view of Humpbert, say by stroking her rear. All the while you will be
standing behind his rear in a sexually dominant pose, tsk tsking this
spectacle in a manner that Humpbert can see. Then you interpose yourself
between sweet young white Holly and the Negro, extricating her from a
situation pregnant with the possibilities of miscegenation, again so that
her father can see. He will get the message: if Polly does not marry Luke,
then perhaps his grandkids will look like Robert Mugabe. Luke offers his
genes safe harbor.
Spend the middle of the evening playing the role of social butterfly,
but return some time later to Humpbert to discuss the life of the writer.
Before the evening is over, he will embrace you in a bear hug and think
"This is just the sort of bloke I'd like my daughter to marry." Oh, that
Vickie might have a smart-ass thing or two to say otherwise, as she is
heavily into porn, but Humpbert will shoot her a look that says "Woman,
you WILL respect my judgment in these matters."
You two are meant to be together, notwithstanding all the lawyerly arguments
each of you can concoct as to why it wouldn't work. Some things are just
supposed to be
This might well be the last New Year for both the single Luke and the
single Polly. Next year will see Luke living large in his wife's home,
the lovely Mrs. Holly Randall-Ford, wife of Los Angeles writer and Journalist
Luke. And who knows - by this time next year, you might both be celebrating
the New Year at home, with the infant Luke Amalek Ford nursing at your
bride's tit.
Chaim writes me:
The only men Holly introduces to her parents are those she regards as boyfriend material. Tonight is your debut. She may be your last best hope for happiness in life. Lord knows you've been dating long enough and have otherwise had enough chances. You need to get serious about life. Settle down, marry, have kids, and spend your days like a true scholar, writing while Holly lubes up the porn chicks for money. How many men are lucky enough to have a wife who is lubing up a porn chick? Plus you get to live in that primo house. She's not perfect, but you can live with the woman she will become once she marries you and starts raising a family with you. Remember, in 2006 you turn forty, which places you out of bounds for most fertile jewesses. Holly can save you from being viewed as a creepy old man. Besides, you will enjoy shooting the breeze with Humphry. You sons of the southern cross.
She's got a life force to her that I never, ever see in NY. It is magnetic.
Remember, on a very profound, fundamental level, she has already chosen you. Luke, she is having.... She is what, the age that her mother was when she married? She wants a husband. She likes writers. You want a wife. You write. And you both are in the same business.
Just consider the lame losers she otherwise dates. Guys who do drugs. Guys who are not there for her. She knows that if she can snag you, you will be there for her forever. Her eggs are in command. They have selected you to be their dad. Not the married dude. Not some guy in a garage band. Not some illiterate. Next to the men she interacts with on a daily basis, you are the bee's knees. She picked you. And having seen how weird you can be, she still has your toothbrush in her bathroom. And this evening is to present you to her parents, to get their seal of approval. Her dad will love you. And he's the one you need to win over. I am counting on you to begin the New Year inside Holly. With her mom and dad looking on smilingly, her mom perhaps videotaping the whole thing.
'I'll Put A Bullet Through Your Head'
I got a call this week from an irate ex-porner (I won't reveal his name so don't ask me) whose porn past has been recently listed on imdb.com (and the information seems to have come from my website).
"If you posted that to imdb.com, Luke," he said, "I swear to God I'll put a bullet through your head."
I told him that I didn't post about him to IMDB. I don't think he believed me.
He said his lawyer was tracing the I.P. address of the person who posted the information.
As long as the information is accurate, there's nothing you can do to get stuff taken down from IMDB.com or any reputable source.
Hollywood people (particularly agents and publicists) all the time want IMDB to remove information about them (movies they worked on, for instance, that now embarrass them), but they make no headway. If it is a fact, IMDB.com will not be moved.