10 Porn Positions That Don’t Work in Real Life

These are better kept on the small screen.

You know those scenes in action movies where the main character throws a match into a puddle of gasoline and causes an amazingly huge explosion? And you’re like, “Yeah, OK, that’s cool, but I saw that episode of Myth Busters and I know that wouldn’t work in real life.” Pretty much every porn scene is an intercourse equivalent of throwing a match in a puddle of gasoline. Also, even though this features beautiful watercolor renditions of the most eye-rolling porn positions, this is still super NSFW unless you work in porn.

#1 The Stand and Carry

In real life, at best, THIS ends with everyone’s forearms feeling like they’re about to fall off, and at worst, with the dude’s back breaking like a twig. This pretty much goes for standing 69s also. Get that shit out of here, homie. Sex shouldn’t be work, it should be sex. Instead of doing this, just lie down and pass out on top of each other like Sting does with tantric sex or whatever. That sounds lazy as hell and way more appealing.

#2 The Double Stuff

This is where two penises are unceremoniously shoved into one vagina at the same time. I don’t understand how this functions in terms of Euclidean space, let alone the physical and emotional toll it must take on everyone involved. There’s no way all those genitals existing together like that feels good. Plus, it kind of ruins the beautiful and pure idea of Double Stuf Oreos. I want to eat those without thinking about dongs. Also, it’s two guys rubbing their penises together inside a vagina, so ???

#3 The Pile Driver (Resting on your head/shoulders with your body in the air.)

Did you ever like having sex but thought, “This doesn’t put enough uncomfortable pressure on my shoulders and neck?” Now you can feel like you have scoliosis while some dude rails you from above! It’s all the fun of being able to pinpoint the exact moment you set yourself up for terrible back problems later in life with the added bonus of a penis inside you. When you’re a cute old lady in an assisted care facility, you’ll be able to tell all the nurses, “Sorry it takes me so long to get out of bed. In my youth I was super into getting reverse pile-drivered.”

#4 Anything Where a Guy’s Balls Go Into the Vagina or Butt

No one likes this. You’re just showing off. Balls are sensitive. Cramming them into a hole (lubricated or not) sounds about as fun as cramming my balls into a fucking hole because that sounds awful.

#5 The One Where the Girl Is Standing on One Leg With Her Other Leg Out Behind Her

There are probably so many outtakes where she fell flat on her face. This is so a camera guy can get in there and get a close-up of the p-in-v action. It’s not because trying to show off the fact that you’ve been to yoga twice while boning is actually a good idea.

#6 Reverse Cowgirl With the Legs Spread Wide

This is not because it feels good, this is because it’s really easy to film. Way to take us out of the moment, pornography. It’s the sex position equivalent of a character in a horror movie acting irrationally. It’s just not believable, and you lose the emotional investment of the audience. I want my filthy sex to be grounded in reality. I can’t masturbate when I’m thinking about the fourth wall and dangling plotlines. I mean, come on, why would you not run out and grab cash when you first knew the plumber was coming over? You made the appointment. It’s your fault the two of you wound up having to figure out an alternate payment.

#7 Disturbingly Aggressive Fingering

No one likes it when you just take a couple digits and unceremoniously start finger-blasting a vagina as hard and as fast as you can. Unless YOU’RE a Boy Scout trying to start a fire for your Vagina Fire Merit Badge, take it slow, dude. Also, if you are a Boy Scout trying to earn your Vagina Fire Merit Badge, I would talk to your den leader or maybe the authorities because what is going on over there?

#8 Legs Literally Behind the Head

Is she screaming because of a deep and intense orgasm, or because of the searing pain of a double charley horse? Once she crosses her legs behind her head, there is no way she is concentating on anything other than the feeling of her muscles slowly being torn apart.

#9. P-Between-the-Bs

This doesn’t feel good for the woman, and, come on, it doesn’t feel that good for the guy, either. Like, it’s super cool, don’t get me wrong, but the two of you have been going at it for 20 minutes. At least one of you is chafing at this point.

#10 The Money Shot

There’s no one out there who wants to spend the last 30 seconds of sex squeezing their eyes shut so tight it feels like they’re going to get an aneurysm because they don’t want to get ejaculate in their eye. This is the porn equivalent of Chekhov’s gun: If there’s a penis in the first act, you better make sure it ejaculates on someone’s face by the third.

Also, as a bonus: What’s with all the so-called reality porn where a not-so-random random girl gets into some van with a guy and is just like, “I might as well blow you?” That doesn’t happen in real life.

Source: Cosmopolitan Magazine