East Coast vs. West Coast
The age old debate – Parody of My Own
A Little Mariah History:
I grew up in the heart of the US porn industry; I just didn’t know it until I was nearly 18 years old. Yes, I grew up in Porn Valley, Chatsworth to be exact which is the epicenter of Porn Valley. Once I was introduced to the industry in 1998 I worked feverishly for 2 years knocking out almost 250 movies in 24 months. Then after a 3 year break I started my first site and moved to Florida.
I travel to LA every 6 weeks and am usually there for 2 or 3 weeks depending on how much I have booked. I love it and I hate it for a multitude of reasons and after an email I got a few weeks ago I thought I’d do a little East Coast West Coast parody.
Here is the email I got:
“Mariah, please tell me it isn’t true that you moved from LA to Florida? I mean seriously, how could you leave LA? Don’t you miss the Low Riders and the Cholos and the mountains? I mean I was a die hard fan for years until I heard this. It broke my heart! My favorite porn star left the land that I love! How could you? Can you please, please please, tell me why you would leave here for of all places fucking Florida???? East Coast is the Worst Coast!!!!!” ——- Adrian W.
I replied to this fool in a much shorter, to the point way but I made the same point, but since then I have been back and forth many times and think about his email often when I’m there, sitting in traffic breathing in that fragrant southern California air that has that nice brown tinge to it you see when your flight is approaching the runway. I have come up with many responses and reasons since that email back in August, which is really funny because that’s when the worst wildfires in history were ravaging the hills near Burbank and Glendale!
There are many things I do miss about California that I don’t have here in Florida. I miss my family most of all. I love to have my mom around to hang out with or share a bottle of wine with and run to the mall together. There can never be a substitute for that anywhere in the world. I love her dearly and miss her the minute my flight leaves the ground to head back home.
I also miss seeing the mountains. I took it for granted my entire life and now I notice them every time I’m there. I make it a point to see them and to see if there is snow on the peaks. They comfort me when I’m there because it’s what I now see was a blessing I grew up with in Chatsworth, which has some pretty amazing hills. If you look really close you might be able to see a film crew and people fucking on the Rock near Topanga and the 118! Those are great things for sure, and things I couldn’t imagine not being a part of my life. However, the negatives are pretty huge for me.
My top issue with the whole West coast thing is the traffic and the filth. I stay north of the valley now in Ventura County which is nice but I have to drive every day to the valley which without traffic is about 45 minutes, but unless it’s 2 am there’s always traffic! Last week when I was there I was leaving downtown LA after my shoot with Kristina Rose for Holly Randall and at 11:30 at night I was in dead stop traffic on the 101 for an hour before I got to the 405! I just kept thinking “God I hate LA!” I mean seriously, are that many fucking people in this city!???!!!
Florida has great weather, even with the daily summer rains which I hated at first but now appreciate. Every afternoon between 2 and 3 it clouds up and rains and thunders and lightning’s for an hour or 90 minutes then it clears up and everything is fresh and clear. It’s actually very nice.
Another great thing is the DMV. I went yesterday to renew my tags for my car and boat trailer and was there for less than 10 minutes. In LA, you’re there for 3 or 4 hours sometimes. Even with an appointment it’s always an hour! On top of that for a custom plate (I have the John Lennon Imagine plate) and registration for a $30k car it was $90. In LA I would have had to pay the approximate value tax on my car and another $180 for the boat trailer tag so I would be looking at $1000 or so every year! Did I mention my Florida tag is good for 2 years???
Cleanliness is also an issue of mine in LA. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some beautiful neighborhoods there, no question, but LA is a filthy city and that isn’t even up for debate. All the crazy homeless people everywhere asking for money gets pretty fucking old too. How about when you’re shopping on Rodeo Drive, and having that big black Schizophrenic screaming to who knows who while he digs through the trash cans? If you’ve been there you know EXACTLY who I’m talking about too! This guy is about si feet tall, 250 pounds with long dreads in his hair and stares you right in the eye when you pass screaming things at you! talk about fucking scary! Him being black isn’t relevant, it just makes him even more scary to all those white folks who show up thinking that Beverly Hills is the Mecca for the upper echelon of rich folks and success. How about when you stop into il Fornaio on Beverly and Canon or Spago for lunch and you have to step over that guy with half of each foot missing (rotted off) who is literally black from filth sprawled out on the sidewalk right at the door with his ancient dog? It’s sad but Jesus Christ why do they allow them to setup shop right where I and hundreds of Japanese tourists are trying to spend our fucking money or grab a quick $35 club sandwich with white truffle oil macaroni and cheese? I mean come on now!
Florida has an ocean you can actually swim in without getting an ear infection or Hepatitis B, or hypothermia at the least. Our water temperature is in the mid to upper 80s during the summer months and the sand on the west coast of Florida where I live is sugar white. The sand in LA is like gravel and dirt mixed together and the water is so fucking cold your nipples pop through your bikini top! Now California does have surfing but I’m a girl so that doesn’t mean shit to me! There is a place on the east coast of Florida near Cocoa beach called Sebastian inlet that has decent waves and you don’t need a tetanus shot or a wet suit to enjoy it!
Now it’s true that Florida has hurricanes and from what I’ve heard those aren’t fun, but there hasn’t been one in the Tampa area for 82 years though. I do know people who throw hurricane parties in Key West which sounds pretty cool. At least with a hurricane you know a week ahead of time where it’s gonna go. An earthquake or fire gives no warning. Even if the fire doesn’t burn your house down it sure sucks breathing in smoke all day every day for weeks and washing the ash off your car every morning. I’ll take the hurricanes any day. I lived in Chatsworth during the Northridge quake and it destroyed a lot of my friends houses and the Northridge Mall was completely destroyed which really fucked up my life for those 14 months it took to rebuild it!
As far as the Low Riders and Cholo’s go, Low Rider’s are cool I guess but the problem is that there is usually a Mexican gangster driving them. I’m not down with the whole Cholo thing. I guess I’m too much into style and don’t get the whole long shorts with knee high tube socks and a plaid short sleeved shirt with the collar buttoned! When you read that it sounds like retarded kids’ clothes he picked out himself for the first day of school doesn’t it?
Florida is a much safer place to live too. Sure we have Miami and some other places that have bad areas, but we don’t have nearly the issues the west coast has. In the Tampa area where I live we have mirrors in every restroom, and not those polished steel mirrors either, actual glass mirrors even in gas station bathrooms! And guess what, no gang tags on them either! In LA I challenge you to find me a mirror in a public restroom! And if by some miracle you do, it has a bunch of gibberish carved into by some knucklehead who thinks he’s doing something prominent for his people.
And one of the best reasons to choose the east coast is that in Florida, it’s a state law that anywhere serving food is required to provide customers with a restroom. In LA most middle of the road food joints has nowhere to pee or even wash your hands!! I mean really, how fucked up is that? They do require seat covers when you find one which is a real plus though, I must say. But in Florida, even the shittiest little dump selling ribs on the roadside has to offer a place to use the facilities, I think. I do know for certain that if it’s a permanent structure they are required by law to give you a restroom. To me that is priceless! Have you ever noticed the black crust under people’s nails who are shoveling food into their gaping pie holes in restaurants? It’s a massive peeve of mine and I think it should be a law to require people to wash their filthy fucking hands or they don’t get food served or their money handled!
We don’t really need to address the cost of living and taxed to death issues do we? Well I will touch on it briefly. Florida has no state income tax and our toll roads, be they many, pay for road repairs and bridge repairs so there is no discrepancy as to where the money goes or where it comes from. Our gallon of gas is generally 50 cents to a dollar cheaper and most items you buy are 20 to 30% cheaper due to the lower sales taxes and lower tariffs on suppliers. My house is ¼ the price it would be in LA and less than a mile from the ocean. On a lake. With a screened in pool. It’s small and not the greatest but for $85k it’s just fine with me. My neighbors suck and sometimes park their van on their fucking lawn, but that’s ending as they have finally been notified of their foreclosure!!!!!!! Fucking white trash hillbillies! Uh oh, there is one big issue of Florida I haven’t mentioned yet. The white trash element. Florida is the trailer park capital of the US. I have no issue with trailer parks or mobile homes, and some are nicer than a lot of houses for sure, but it’s the people who live like they are out in the country but aren’t. I’ve been to the grocery near my house and there was a fucking filthy guy without shirt and shoes (I swear!) pushing a shopping cart with his naked and filthy son in it. Oh, and for your information his son was about 6 or 7 years old!!!!! How do you allow someone to grocery shop without a shirt or shoes, much less naked kids?? I’m sure that there is somewhere in LA that this has happened once or twice but not nearly at the rate it happens in some of the backwoods hillbilly areas we have here. But I knew I was going to the WT grocery when I went and on my first (and last) visit look what I saw! Imagine what goes on there regularly?????
After all being said and done I’ll still take the East Coast. I like my money going further for me and I like keeping more of what I work for. I LOVE mirrors without gang tags and I really enjoy a nice restroom when I’m out for a meal. I don’t enjoy the white trash with their filthy naked kids but I know where to go and where not to go. I actually know some people who moved from Connecticut down to Florida and by choice, knowingly moved to the center of the white trash area! Can you imagine?
In closing let me say this: I love America and the West Coast and East Coast and a lot of the places in between. The people of this country make it great and they also make it suck. If you throw trash out of your car window you suck. If you wash your hands before you exchange money you are great! If you wash your ass and balls in the sink where you work because there is no restroom, you and your employer suck! If you offer a seat cover in your restroom, thank you! Finally, if you send me emails making ridiculous statements like Adrian W. did then this is the fallout that will happen!
——- Mariah Milano