I recently placed a Craigslist ad looking for a new roommate. In order to weed out pansy ass bitches and those with a pole up their ass, I added a little BAF flavor to the post. A few respondents acknowledged my brilliance and were invited to come view the crib. Others ignored it as if they were wishing it away, and they got sent to the B list. One even went so far as to imply that I might be offending some potential applicants. I almost emailed him and told him to lick my a-hole but instead simply deleted his email. Thank you sir, for saving me the trouble of responding to you.
——-The Ad——–
I’ve finally evicted one of my roommates for not using a coaster on the coffee table. It’s not that I’m unreasonable but it happened twice in the last year. After the first transgression I gave a pretty clear warning but a broken nose doesn’t make the point it did when my parents were raising me. What was I supposed to do, give him a time out?
I’m joking, of course. He couldn’t pay the rent. He always used a coaster after his nose healed.
Anyway, looking for a new roomie to share a huge 3 bdrm/2bath apartment in Venice. We are on beach block (West of Pacific Ave) and you can be in the sand in about 30 seconds. More like 90 seconds if you’re fat or not completely ambulatory (assuming you survived the stairs). We’re on XXXXXXX so if you walk the other direction you’ll hit Abbot Kinney in under 5 min and to the left Main Street Santa Monica in under 10 min. Restaurants, bars, shopping, etc, all within easy walking distance.
The building itself is a little 4-unit deal with super quiet and nice neighbors. Have our own little courtyard area for our BBQs, like/surfboard storage, rain dancing, etc. We have parking for 3 cars so one is all yours.
The apartment itself is massive by Venice standards with a large living room sporting a 60 inch flat screen TV, 2 sofas and a big comfy chair. Kitchen is "eat in" with a table and chairs plus a washer and dryer. I am assuming you wash your clothing. Bedrooms are really big and each have a nice closet. I currently have a high quality pillow top full sized bed in the available room. You’d be sharing a bathroom with a female roomie who is A)super clean B) super sweet and C) never home. If she is home and occupying the bathroom you can always use the one in my room unless it’s number two then you’ll have to go in the ocean. I told you, it’s close. We have full cable package including HBO and Showtime plus wireless internet.
I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs although I don’t care if you do unless you’re an alcoholic or a drug addict. If I wanted that I’d let my ex girlfriend move back in. Smoking is outside only. Basically it’s not a party house. I might have some friends over for UFC once a month and a few BBQ’s during the summer but that’s it. Guests are fine. Strangers you met that night at a bar or on the internet are not. Both off us are really nice, respectful, and easy to live with. I’m the kind of roommate that doesn’t care if you ate something I bought unless it’s my last Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup then I’ll smother you in your sleep. I can’t imagine anyone who considers that unreasonable. The only thing I ask is that you clean up after yourself in the common areas. I’m not your mom nor did I impregnate her so it’s unlikely that I’m your father either.
Rent is $1,000/month plus $100 for utilities Need last month up front but you can split it into payments. No lease but I expect 30 days notice of move out and a repainting if you screw up the walls. No term limit but it would be nice to have someone who wanted at least 3-6 months just so I don’t have to go through this again.
A female would be best because you’d be sharing a bathroom with another female and can like, loan each other hair straighteners and tampons and such. I don’t know about these things nor do I want to. Plus if there’s any conflict it’s a way more fair fight. That’s how we settle all household disputes. MMA style. Whoever taps out is obviously in the wrong.
If you or anyone you know is interested in living at the beach with summer about to start, hit me up asap. You can come check the place out at your leisure.
If you don’t have a sense of humor or are jealous of people with really, really great hair, you’re not going to like me. Your bad, not mine. Hugs!
——-The End——-
That’s just for a roommate. Wait til I start posting some personal ads. Who wants to live with me—til death do us part?