NL-An English bloke I know spent some time on New Sensation’s set of Seinfeld, here is his report & pics. I don’t yet have details on cast.
Lord Fuckaduck reports from the set of the latest X-rated parody.
“Please use rear entrance.”
That’s a bit much, I thought, even as a porn virgin. But this is an instruction on a bus, not from a director.
Me, I was asleep when my phone rang last night in the downtown hotel.
“Listen,” came a voice that could make dogs for the deaf screech, “you get your ass to Van Nuys tomorrow and get me the lowdown.”
“Who is this?” I asked.
“I want gossip, gossip, gossip.”
“Will this appear on my credit card bill?” I asked.
“If you want to see your family alive, go to this address.”
And so Cindi Loftus’s wish is my command. I took the metro and the bus because I don’t drive here. My manservant doesn’t care for these people who drive on the other side of the road. But I arrive at the address and the first person I meet is the director, Lee Roy Myers. He looks more like the janitor, but he is friendly.
“What about some gossip?” I ask.
“I think my neighbor smokes crack, but it could be crack or crank or crystal meth,” he says. So many c words in one so young. And then he attends to the latest production headache: what to order for lunch.
He is modest and, as you can see doesn’t like to have his picture taken. He points to the script and I start to read. It looks like English, but my mind is addled. Pornography? Seinfeld? The television is still in black and white at home but this is funny stuff. It is, as one of the cast says in my hearing, funny without the sex.
With the sex, it is glorious. I only laugh on National Laugh At Other People’s Misfortune Day back home, but this is great.
Pornography? I ask out loud. All I need is a pornograph.
My own little joke isn’t as funny as the movie’s opening monologue. I walk around the set watching carefully. Everywhere I go there is a smell of paint, which is what the Queen thinks England smells of. I hear some faint banging – but this turns out to be a door, beyond which is a beautiful actress dressed up like that girl who used to do a funny dance on the real “Seinfeld”.
This is Kristina Rose who is not prone to divaish behavior. That means she eats food and “does” stairs.
“I’ve never been to Hooters,” she says, pointing to her primary assets. “Maybe booters, I got an ass for days.”
And unlike many people in L.A., she doesn’t talk out of it.
She liked the original show and feels she is like the character she is parodying: cocky.
She lights a cigarette and goes back to the script.
In walks a man with a strange haircut. For Eric John, who plays Crammer, the chance to be physical means he will endure “Strange head postures.” That includes the truly magnificent haircut. After having shoulder length hair for years, he has a new lease on life.
“Now that it is cut short, a woman I have lusted after is mine. She asked me to go down on her for a long time.”
That’s strange head postures for you.
“In fact, she came ten times in a row.”
And that was in real life.
I spend a few more moments on the set which is so real it can only be imaginary. All the leads look like the people they are parodying. Even the naked breasts are real. Just look at the photographs. I am about to ask some penetrating questions when in walks the small, but perfectly moustachied form of Evan Stone who plays the Porn Nazi. That’s his role in this film, not just his award-winning career experience.
He mainly has to stand around and say the same line over and over again: “Get out of my store.”
“I can say it fast or slow, with a different inflection. Or a light hesitation.”
Come again?
“I often do.”
I am wondering what to make of this when in walks a beautiful blonde girl. Up and coming starlet Natalie Norton, prompts the director. I startle her by pointing this out.
“Oh am I?”
She has just done gonzo porn to date.
“For me this is a new direction.”
For a minute, I thought she said “nude erection”. I try not to choke, then ask for some gossip.
“I don’t do gossip,” she says sweetly.
She does girl-on-girl, boy-on-girl and anything legal; and feeling sorry for me, she removes her top.
I certainly like to keep abreast of things. And all the best things come in twos.
NL- This is Ashlyn Brooke. I know she isn’t mentioned in the on set report. I have no idea what part she played or what she was doing there. But since Lord FAD sent me eighteen pictures of her topless, I’m sure she had a role.