By Holly Randall from Xbiz.com
When I was a kid, my sexual fantasies began playing themselves out in the lives of my Barbie dolls. Sure most of my dolls had extensive lesbian relationships, but what I really felt I had to keep to myself were the rape scenarios I’d orchestrate between Ken and Barbie. Being a kid and thus new to and unsure of my budding sexuality, I thought there was something wrong with me. I would never admit to anyone that my Barbies behaved in such a manner—that is, until I started working in porn and became more open about my sexuality. What surprised me is that when I admitted these childhood sexual fantasies to other women, I discovered that many of them did the same thing. And I’m not just talking about porn stars and other women I work with in the adult industry—I’m talking about all kinds of women, all across the board.
The human psyche is fascinating and multi-faceted to the point of confusion. And in no other way does the mind display its bizarre ability to twist reality into a sick pretzel than in its sexual fantasies. The funny thing about sexual fantasies is that at first reflection, many appear to be quite contradictory. For example, almost every dominatrix I know says her main clientele consists of wealthy, powerful businessmen who come to them to be degraded and whipped. And what about female fantasies, are they more subdued and well, normal? Apparently not. If women were to fantasize sexually about what they really want in their man, then shouldn’t it be something like: Brad Pitt draws us a candlelit bubble bath, whispers flattery in our ear as he soaps up our back, and then takes us into the bedroom for some romantic, sweet lovemaking. And afterwards he whips up a soufflé, cleans the kitchen, and offers to take the kids to soccer practice. That would be the ultimate fantasy, would it not? Well, it doesn’t appeal to me. And it doesn’t appeal to countless other women, either.
When I conduct behind-the-scenes interviews on my shoots, one thing I’ve noticed is that almost every girl I interview has some form of the “rape fantasy”. Whether it be bondage, hair-pulling, rough sex, or simply being called bad names in bed, many women like to be man-handled. Of course, one could jump to the simple conclusion that since these are porn stars, we can blame these rape fantasy tendencies on a multitude of reasons: everything from an attempt to liven up their jaded perception of sex, to sexual abuse so many assume they’ve endured in the past. If these girls were the only people with this type of imagination, then the “why” behind these fantasies would not be particularly interesting, and would indeed seem quite obvious. But this is not the case. All kinds of women have rape fantasies, and this ranges from the good Christian housewife to the everyday college student. Many of my friends who work in law, medicine, or retail admit to these daydreams. A recent analysis of 20 studies over the last 30 years indicates that up to 57% of women have rape fantasies, and since this is an embarrassing subject for most women to admit to, the numbers may be even higher than that. Regardless of the study findings, it’s unmistakable that rape fantasies are much more common than one would think.
So why do so many women fantasize about something that nobody wants in reality? According to Matthew Hutson, who writes a blog for Psychology Today, there are several possibilities. One he terms as: “Sexual Blame Avoidance”. Huston says: “Women are socialized to not seek out sex lest they be considered tramps, but if they’re having sex against their will they can avoid guilt.” Conversely, he also cites “Openness to Sexual Experience”, where those who are more sexually experienced and comfortable with their sexuality, and are open to a variety of sexual fantasies. I think that most of the porn stars that I’ve interviewed fall into this category.
We can also look at this phenomenon from a biological point of view, and for a moment imagine ourselves as just another mammalian species. If we consider ourselves in the department of our unpretentious carnal tendencies, then one can argue for the biological predisposition to surrender. Just as the male lion pursues the female and then subdues her in order to mate, perhaps humans are, deep down, programmed to follow the same courtship. Of course, we are intelligent beings who rise above our animal instincts, and the societies we’ve constructed simply does not allow for men to chase women around and mount them unwillingly. I certainly don’t think it’s a good idea—but when you picture those nature programs where the lion is roaring atop his mate and biting her neck—well, that’s kind of hot, don’t you think? We cannot deny that despite all of our intellectual trappings and technological achievements, we still have the blood of animals pumping through our veins. We may have evolved as a species, but we are still only advanced primates. Also this type of rough play taps into another organic physical reaction: the sympathetic nervous system. When we’re startled into a sense of danger, our fight or flight response is activated, injecting us with a jolt of adrenaline. And that can make for some very exciting, heart-pumping, sweaty sex.
For me, it’s all about release. I run my own business and have several men who work beneath me, so I often take on the role of the alpha-female. I am in charge, and like to have everything at work under my control. I might even be a bit too controlling, which is why I swing so drastically the other way in my personal sex life. When I’m intimate with a man, I don’t want to be in control—in fact, I need to relinquish power in order to enjoy myself, and just let go. And isn’t that what sex is all about—a mental and physical release from the every day?
Overall, I feel it is important to stress that just because a woman has a rape fantasy, doesn’t mean that she actually wants to be raped. A genuine rape is a horrific and extremely frightening experience. Real rape is more about a show of power and violence than it is about the actual sex. But in the context of the rape fantasy, even though the scenario deems her out of control, the woman in fact has control as she is the one constructing the parameters of the situation. And so if the woman actually plays out this scenario with her partner, her real self has power over a set-up in which her fantasy self is powerless. So orchestrating a rape fantasy with another can actually be a sexually empowering act, because by doing so the woman is taking control over her sex life and getting what she really wants, even though the fantasy may suggest the opposite. Another thing—acting out the rape fantasy suggests a real sense of trust in your partner, whereas an actual rape is a trust-shattering experience. This is a very important distinction.
Personally for me, constructing the rape fantasy scenario and then acting the part is just too involved. The premeditated nature of it all takes the excitement out of the act. But when we go to bed, I’d love to hand over the reins every once in a while, and give you complete power over me. Just remember that when it’s all over, I’m back in charge. 😉