In the wake of AVN convention, I’d like to spend a little time and educate 21st century Neanderthals AKA fanboys on what to do and what not to do to impress porn hookers in their upcoming pilgrimage. Why? Only one of these answers is correct:
A. I’m a good man
B. I’m a nice guy
C. I’ve got a heart of gold
D. I’m just fucking with fanboys for the fuck of it
So my dear fanboys, I’ll share these words of wisdom with you, and after that you’re on your own, which pretty much means you’re fucked:
1. Brush your teeth.
2. Wear something decent and simple. Your Star Trek Next Generation t-shirt won’t impress porn whores.
3. Don’t ramble lines like ‘What’s up babe, sexy in the house, or I’m your pimp’.
4. Take a shower.
5. Don’t tell a whore how you loved jerking off multiple times to her double anal scene in ‘Fuck my dirty shit hole #25’, these whores don’t keep track of the scenes they get fucked in. In fact most of the times, after they sign the model release form and get their money, they have no idea what happens to that scene and on what title it’ll pop up.
6. Comb your hair, or whatever that still represents hair on your scalp.
7. Instead of your cell phone, take pictures of whores with a digital camera, if you can afford one. They come as cheap, or as expensive, depending on your budget, as $9.99. Consider this an investment of a lifetime, because you know you’ll come back next year, and the year after that, and the year after that.
8. Don’t ask whores to interview them for your website. They might be dumb, but not that dumb.
9. Don’t eat onions with your 99c triple cheeseburger. Come on, you can do it for one day.
10. Don’t fuck yourself up. I don’t know how can you manage that, but try.
If none of the above worked out, buy some ropes, or just come see me.
The Colonel loves all of you degenerate fanboys, in a weird, fucked up way that is.