In the wake of AVN convention, I’d like to spend a little time and educate 21st century Neanderthals AKA fanboys on what to do and what not to do to impress porn hookers in their upcoming pilgrimage. Why? Only one of these answers is correct:
A. I’m a good man
B. I’m a nice guy
C. I’ve got a heart of gold
D. I’m just fucking with fanboys for the fuck of it
So my dear fanboys, I’ll share these words of wisdom with you, and after that you’re on your own, which pretty much means you’re fucked:
1. Brush your teeth.
2. Wear something decent and simple. Your Star Trek Next Generation t-shirt won’t impress porn whores.
3. Don’t ramble lines like ‘What’s up babe, sexy in the house, or I’m your pimp’.
4. Take a shower.
5. Don’t tell a whore how you loved jerking off multiple times to her double anal scene in ‘Fuck my dirty shit hole #25’, these whores don’t keep track of the scenes they get fucked in. In fact most of the times, after they sign the model release form and get their money, they have no idea what happens to that scene and on what title it’ll pop up.
6. Comb your hair, or whatever that still represents hair on your scalp.
7. Instead of your cell phone, take pictures of whores with a digital camera, if you can afford one. They come as cheap, or as expensive, depending on your budget, as $9.99. Consider this an investment of a lifetime, because you know you’ll come back next year, and the year after that, and the year after that.
8. Don’t ask whores to interview them for your website. They might be dumb, but not that dumb.
9. Don’t eat onions with your 99c triple cheeseburger. Come on, you can do it for one day.
10. Don’t fuck yourself up. I don’t know how can you manage that, but try.
If none of the above worked out, buy some ropes, or just come see me.
The Colonel loves all of you degenerate fanboys, in a weird, fucked up way that is.
Thank You Colonel. To add to number 2, dont wear a suit, its usually not impressive…and if you had that kind of money, you’d be going after the $10K plus range girls. No tie either. For an example of what not to wear, check out Steele’s PSK outfits or the Trannyfucker’s never ending supply of Basketball and Soccer jerseys, and of course, Regan Senter. Number 5 add on, dont bring your favorite DVD or magazine layout to sign. That’s what the shows are for, but watch them closely at the shows, you can get a feel of what kind of girl they are. Bitch is as Bitch does, they dont realise that those guys can be human ATM’s. Colonel again thank you. TER reviews are bullshit too, especially Fat(Fast) Eddie.
Larry, it’s my pleasure. You’re right, Jeremy Steele took some cool pics at AVN convention this year. Here is my favorite one:
http://poontalk.wordpress.com/2009/01/10/avn-2009-vegas-parties/09vegas2819/
A fanboy at his degenerate glory.
Baba Booey knows how to dress. Baseball is cool.
Personally, this is my favorite pic, so far.
Poontalk provides low budget masturbation material.
http://poontalk.wordpress.com/2009/01/10/avn-2009-vegas-parties/09vegas2733/
But I’d have to say this is still the all time best pic, yet on poontalk:
http://poontalk.wordpress.com/2008/12/15/from-sophia-mounds-with-love/
It’s indeed hard to beat Sophia Mounds on stupidity and retardedness, unless for fanboys, the scum of the earth with an illusion of self worth and relevance whose the greatest satisfaction in their miserable small lives is jerking off to stolen porn in their run-down shared ghettos and kissing porn whore’s asses in conventions to take pictures with them, and if the whore looks them in the eye and smiles, their bodies start trembling with mixed emotions and adrenaline rush.
Some of these smut junkies go off on a rant once they get their daily fix of masturbation, and brag about how the adult industry is decadent and porn whores are disgusting and no man wouldn’t want to fuck them, etc. Right, no man except for you who’s pissing his life away jerking off to stolen videos of those whores. That really tells me something about these bipolar, confused, psychobabbling, two bit ultimate loser fuck ups, that tells me how deep is the shit they’re in. The love/hate relationship they create with porn whores in their depraved, sick minds is pathetic and despecable: they’re emotionally and sexually attached to those whores, and at the same time despise them and are angry at them, because they know they can never afford to have them in real life and fulfill their shattered dreams with them.
All in all, the existence of the macabre creatures known as fanboys is a human tragedy, even though they make good material for foul jokes.
I will give Sophia some slight small praise, she is a slightly better actress than Holly Body. Colonel, a question, arent people like Monstar, Powder, Wankus and Tony Batman like the ultimate fanboys? The first three have absolutely no value…except Wankus may do the dishes and pick up the dry cleaning, Batman at least seems like he picks up after the strippers he goes on the road with and drives them around. If Monstar makes more than a drive thru clerk at a fast food joint than it is truly not deserved, a non-company PR flack in porn is like a Bowler with a Manager.
Guys like Tony Batman and Wankus are the ultimate fanboys, middle age single men who don’t have the look, financial means or talent to befriend with women or even hire hookers, so they hang around porn whores to entertain them with their half ass, pathetic, uninspired jokes and vague promises of promotion and exposure, hoping in return they can get a blow job in the parking lot from a drunken wasted slut or a mercy fuck from a fresh off the bus mid-westerner porn whore wanna be who doesn’t know any better. The difference between Tony Batman and Baba Booey in Jeremy Steele’s picture is that Tony Batman is holding a microphone.
However, as terrible as it truely is, guys like Tony Batman are not the lowest of the low. He lives in LA and goes to porn parties and hangs out with whores on a regular basis, so he gets a little something out of his endeavours. At the very bottom of the food chain, there are broke, delusional, disturbed, insecure single men who live in crumbling rat holes as far as the east coast, look as horrendous as you dare to imagine, and have no direction in life and nothing to hope for. They constantly seek to validate their meaningless existence by blogging about porn, writing essays about things they don’t fully understand and can never be a part of, and spamming everywhere they can from news/gossip websites including LIB to message boards, my space pages, etc. They’re as irrelevant as junk emails and as despecable as computer viruses. They’re maggots at the very bottom of the food chain.
LOL I loved number 7! There is this one guy EVERY year who takes a polaroid and then the next year he will bring a book with it for you to sign, kinda neat! But it seems more guys with cell phones every year!
Wendy, I believe I’ve seen the polaroid guy. He’s a 300+ pound fat slob who patrols the convention floor on a scooter and takes pictures of every porn whore he sees with his polaroid camera. Girls have a field trip with him every year.