When looking at the nominations for various porn awards being given out, I felt a certain crucial porn constituent was being left out: the hood market. Before I name the winners of my What’s Good In The Hood Awards, I would like to define the criteria.
The hood is short on opportunity and as a result, no one gets to vote on this. I have complete autonomy because in the hood people don’t have choices and options, the man controls everything and in this case I am that man. Out of fairness however, I have decided to let everyone nominated be a winner, because I can’t accurately pick a single winner. Second, this is not scientific at all, however it is objective because I am not awarding this to my personal favorites. I try to gauge as per my conversations with people in the hood or people from the hood, what porn people in the hood like the most. The last thing I want to mention is that in this race everyone, even those not nominated, are winners. This is because no porno gets unwatched in the hood. The porno could be 50 years old and you’ll have dudes ready to watch it with a lit blunt in their mouth. The porno can have 80 year old midgets and it will be played. Without further adieu, here are my awards for What’s Good In The Hood For 2008.
Best Actress
Cherokee (D’ass)
Sara Jay
Olivia O’lovely
Pinky
Ayana Angel
Jada Fire
Carmen Luvana
Okay, Carmen is the odd girl out on this, as every other girl on the list has a phatty. The fat ass is the most desirable quality for a person in the hood, which is no huge revelation. In fact, Carmen doesn’t nearly get as much love in the hood as the other girls, however her presence is there and I like her, so I put her on.
Best Actor:
Justin Slayer
Lexington Steele
Brian Pumper
Mandingo
Jake Steed
T. T. Boy
Who gives a shit about the men, but I figured out of fairness to include them. In the hood, those guys are all household names. I can’t stand T. T. Boy, but I know someone who insists on pronouncing his name Titty Boy, so in such a trivial category that merits inclusion.
Best Series
All Dat Azz
Booty Talk
Mami Culo Grande
Ass Worship
Anything with Bitches From Brazil In It
All Dat Azz and Booty Talk probably run this category, as I have never met someone from the hood who had never seen either. The Brazilian pornos are huge because Brazilians have big asses, and they can be white, brown, black whatever. Ass Worship has the big booty white bitches in it, and the hood loves big booty white bitches. Who can forget Mami Culo Grande!
Best Internet Site:
Bang Bros
8th Street Latinas
Onion Booty
I can’t think of other Internet sites (besides the free streaming ones) that have been mentioned besides those three. The hood is not extremely Internet savvy.
Because these are the Hood Awards, there are no other categories. The hood survives on 50 cent sodas and quarter waters, so you can’t expect a plethora of categories. Maybe Barack Obama can help fund these awards better so they don’t have to be so, well… hood.
Sigh… have you ever heard of an event held this year called the Urban Spice Awards? It covers the topic you are attempting to address in your article in a precise manner with actual trophies. Gianna Taylor runs it and it will be held annually. Here is a complete list of winners and photos: REMOVED LINK
Also red carpet photos from the same event here: REMOVED LINK
Can there be a most hated female category? I wrote a piece the other week asking if Shy Love is the most hated woman in porn. And someone on a forum told me:
“From reading other Boards I think Darrah, not Shy Love, is the most hated porn personality in America.”
lol