From TheOnion:
ARLINGTON, VA—An alarming new study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health reveals that casual sex, the practice of engaging in frequent, spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners, may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for, at most, 25 to 30 years.
"People who choose to participate in random, no-strings-attached lovemaking sessions with sexually adventurous strangers should be advised that this type of behavior is only incredibly liberating for the first quarter-century or so," said Dr. Loren Sullivan of Yale University, who coauthored the study on the long-term side effects of living out one’s wildest fantasies on a semi-weekly basis. "Though sometimes it can be longer."
I IM a couple of friends: "After all the casual sex you’ve had, don’t you feel empty inside? Do you want me to have Shelley Lubben call you?"
Holly Randall responded: "I only felt empty inside after I had sex with you."
Mike South: "I’m beyond saving, Luke. I’m a heathen. Beside, my sex life of late has slowed down."
Luke to Holly: "Were you able to have some special alone time in Costa Rica so you could get in touch with your body?"
Holly: "Don’t be ridiculous. I had my teenage years for that."
Luke: "Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget the things that are most important."
Holly: "Like my birthday? Today is my birthday."
Luke: "I know. And this session is my gift to you."