I call KB.
He sounds terrible.
Luke: "How come your voicemail is full?"
KB: "I’ve been laying low."
Luke: "You don’t sound too good."
KB: "I’ve got issues."
Luke: "Health issues?"
KB: "No. Why does everybody say that first?"
"You’re making your rounds, huh? You called Spallone. Now you’re calling me."
Luke: "Five foot two and 136 pounds. How does that look?"
KB: "Chunky."
Luke: "I’m on JDate. She has a nice smile."
KB: "Just when I think I’m the craziest person on the planet."
"This is the last summer I will ever spend in the San Fernando Valley. I hate everything here. I’m just miserable."
"You must be dying in your hovel. Have you been going to the cooling center on La Brea?"
Luke: "Starbucks."
KB: "You should hang out at the Coffee Bean with Perez Hilton. You could blog side by side. People would say, ‘Who are those two fags?’ ‘Oh, that’s Luke F-rd and Perez Hilton. They’re listening to Air Supply.’"
"You should dye your hair green or purple. It would be a great photo op."
Luke: "You just want me to go gay."
KB: "Yeah. Join our team. I’m gay this week."
"You can’t go to tonight’s content meeting. Journalists aren’t allowed."
Luke: "I’m not a journalist."
KB: "You’re just a concerned content producer?"
"Frederick Douglas will be there. Your cover is blown."
Luke: "I’ve been scrunching this scrunchie to build up my hand strength. I just broke it."
KB: "Are you telling me this to scare me?"
"Whoever owns those these days?"
"I went to the VH1 party at the LG House in Malibu Friday night. Dr. Drew was there. I walk over to him and say, ‘Did you really do a show with Mary Carey called ‘Celebrity Rehab’?’"
"He goes, ‘I sure did.’
"I said, ‘Did you know that Mary Carey is the reason I’m completely sober?’ I proceeded to tell him the story. He started laughing."
"I gave up drugs once and for all when I woke up next to her."
"He said, ‘She did really good while she was a part of the show but I think she’s going to have to really work on herself."
"Andy Dick was coked out of his skull. He was drunk and screaming and making a scene. I think he’s been thrown out of every club in Hollywood for being obnoxious.
"He grabbed this chick’s ass from VH1. They picked him up and threw him out.
"I was smoking a cigarette and Ben Stein was standing next to me."
Luke: "What were you able to talk to him about?"
KB: "Nixon."
Luke: "What do you know about Nixon?"
KB: "I know he’s not a crook."
KB: "I ask him what he’s doing here and he says in this flat voice, ‘I’m having a good time.’"
"I said, ‘I miss reading your column on E! Online.’
"He said, ‘Thank you very much. I write for the New York Times now. I think it’s a better place for me.’"
"He was a bowl of laughs."
"Paulie Shore was there. Cindy Margolis. Scott Baio came in with his pregnant fiance. Brett Michaels. The Flava of Love girls."
"I got approached by a gay celebrity who’s interested in doing a sex tape. He said, ‘Let me show you my penis.’ I said, ‘I’m good.’
"Then I left Malibu and drove all the way to Hollywood and went to Sexopolis (Seymore Butts). And then home to Chatsworth."
Luke: "I guess secular people find this stuff amusing."
KB: "I was talking to Rick Salomon this morning. I told him I was tired of the business.
"He said, ‘Porn’s not fun anymore?’
"Bro, I don’t want my legacy to be that I helped a million people whack off to your cock being in Paris Hilton."
"Why don’t you ask Shelley Lubben to give me a call?"
"I’m going to start my blog tonight after watching you get thrown out of the Universal Sheraton."
