A friend calls.
I tell him my problems.
Friend channeling Woody Allen in Love and Death: "To live is to suffer. To love is to suffer. To marry is to suffer. I only want to get divorced."
"On some dating sites I’m on, it takes weeks and months to hear back. Of course I don’t write back to those whores."
Luke: "Hey, did you ever nail Barb*?"
Friend: "You’ve asked me that 216 times."
Luke: "Well, I started thinking about her today."
When I first got to LA 13 years ago, I shoved my friend out of the way so I could talk to Barb. We went out once and nothing happened. A few years later, my friend starting seeing her.
Luke: "New York town left with no police during trip to New Jersey hooters."
Friend: "What?"
Luke: "I’m watching Fox News."
"These girls are hot."
"I haven’t gotten a date out of that Jewish Journal article."
Fred: "How did you find 60 chicks to email? I’ve seen it."
Luke: "I’ve gotten lower standards than you. I’m inclusive."
Fred: "Whatever happened to…?"
Luke: "Don’t bring her up. Bad memory."
"One woman from JDate was hot to trot until I referred her to my Jewish Journal profile."
Friend: "Why would you refer them to that?"
Luke: "Might as well sort ’em out."
Friend: "Might as well bang ’em and then sort it out."
"How bad was that article anyway?"
Luke: "It was pretty bad."
Friend: "Scared her off."
"You want young chicks anyway."
Luke: "At this point, I’ll take anything."
"I’ve lost my mojo."
Friend: "Have you tried other services?"
Luke: "Maybe I’ll try frumster."
Friend: "You’re frum."
Luke: "Well…"
Friend: "You’re a little wild for the frum crowd. You’re not quite a ready for primetime frumster. Try JewishFriendFinder."
Luke: "Isn’t that for sex?"
Friend: "No. That’s adultfriendfinder. Wait until you see who’s on that site. Wow. Ain’t no Jews on that site. And if there are, you’ll never find them."
"There are quite a few non-Jewish girls on JDate looking for Jewish guys. How come there aren’t non-Jewish guys looking for Jewish girls? It’s like looking for comedy in the Muslim world."
"Try these free sites. Matchdoctor.com and adultmatchdoctor.com. Webdate.com. Any of the FriendFinder sites. Plentyoffish.com."