Ladies, why am I still single?
When I came to Los Angeles in 1994, I placed and answered a bunch of singles ads and met a lot of women and had some good times.
In 1997, I went on jdate and had little success.
Ten years later, I returned.
Over the past two days, I’ve emailed 60 women. Four answered me. I spoke on the phone to one.
After we finished talking, I noticed that my chest was covered with angry red hives (and that rarely happens to me, only when I am forced to confront myself and see someone I don’t like).
Here’s how I described myself in my JDate profile:
I like to read and write. That’s how I spend most of my time. It’s how I earn my living. I’m cynical and sarcastic and my favorite music group is Air Supply (that’s not sarcastic). I like to be around smart people who make me laugh. I hate conflict in my personal life. I have enough through my writing. I hate irresponsibility and laziness. I despise people who abuse drugs and alcohol. I believe in hard work, family, friends, Judaism, and learning. I have issues with authority. I’m a rebel with a shul. I like writing about the people society rejects but I don’t want them in my personal life.
My perfect first date:
An Air Supply concert. Joke. It doesn’t matter. If you’re fitted for the other person, you could go somewhere you both hated and it would only bond you tighter.My ideal relationship:
Common interests and support for the other person even when you don’t share interests. You must always respect the other person and once that goes, it’s over.I am looking for a:
Someone smart, well-read, funny and committed to Judaism. Everything else is optional.
If anything good happens for me on jdate or elsewhere in my romantic life, I won’t be writing about it. I don’t see much point in autobiographical writing unless it reveals humiliation.
I put on my profile these two pictures — one of my holding up two lawsuits I’d just received (Jan. 2000) and the other (June 2001) of me wearing black shoes, white socks and some horrible shorts and t-shirt.
As I get older, the ladies seem to get smarter.
Sometimes I fear that my life is headed in the wrong direction. Today I got a hit from this website about 15-year old girls in bikinis. I don’t think this was for one of my learned Torah commentaries.
Joe emails:
I just wanted to give you some feedback about your JDate photos.
They aren’t really going to get you anywhere. The one in the shorts is tragic, I don’t know if you’re feeling bad about yourself, or if you are setting yourself up for failure, but they just aren’t going to help you.
My advice:
* start working out. You can get one of those tube train things for doing solo workouts at home, very inexpensive.
* buy some "phyto protein 100% pea protein isolate", it’s kosher and a great source of protein.
* try getting some photos where your look a bit more alpha-male /masculine. The one with you in the shorts looks very sad, you look like you live at home with your Dad and are on a disability pension.
I’ve been doing a scientific survey and it turns out that my Jewish Journal profile only appeals to the homeless and mentally ill.
Jim B writes on XPT: "Isn’t Shelley going to be mad, you stepping out on her like this? You’re a bad, bad man Luke Ford."
Random writes:
You don’t need advice, you need a better paying job, a haircut that costs more than eight bucks at Supercuts, a fashionable wardrobe, a personal trainer and an automobile that doesn’t run on prayers. Then you need a new personality. Your internet persona/shtick fits perfectly with your gig, but if that’s the You the women in your life are getting, then you’re basically fucked, regardless of the aesthetic changes you make. That you somehow managed to pull Holly being "Online Luke" at least some of the time probably says more about her than you. She was drinking then, right?
Ideally, if you could find another gig, your best bet would be to simply move out of L.A. Even if you miraculously accomplished all of the things I mentioned, you’d still be out of place. You just don’t fit there.
Conky writes:
Luke, stop torturing yourself with jdate. You obviously like the shiksas, so concentrate on lurking around bookstores, galleries, Air Supply tribute act gigs [is there even such a thing?]
At least that way you’ll meet someone who can read, appreciates the differences between light and shade and digs your kind of time warp music.
Your pursuit of the unattainable will not bring you happiness. If all of the above fails, just start banging married chicks and repent at leisure. I’d probably quit watching Californication if I was you.