I’ve often thought of devoting my life to sex trafficking but David Hoffman is the real deal.
I met David towards the end of 2002, just before he was to leave for Europe to sleep with beautiful women and rescue their oppressed sisters.
I got him some work writing for my prestigious internet operations at prices ranging up to $100 a story.
Hoffman calls me back July 3, 2007.
"I thought I would settle in Budapest but it turned out to be a s— hole. You can smell the sewage. It’s awful. The girls are stunning. Every one of them. At every bus stop, I thought I was in a fashion show."
Luke: "You went there to combat sex trafficking."
David: "That never went off. I couldn’t speak Russian or Czech. They’re not going to let me near the girls because they don’t know me. I would be reduced to some menial task.
"On the date I was supposed to start the job, January 1, 2005, I came down violently ill and was ill for months."
Luke: "Did you get much writing done in Europe?"
David: "Luke, I don’t write anymore. When two separate publishers for Murdergate! The Presidency, The U.S Government, and the Politics of Murder failed to keep promise on their contract, I became discouraged about writing. I’d worked on that book for two solid years. I tried like a bitch to get it published."
I read Hoffman’s magnum opus. It accuses both president Bushes of arranging various sinister murders, leaving me depressed about our prospects for democracy and fulfillment in this fallen world.
Luke: "It sounds like you’ve been battling depression."
David: "No, my friend, I’ve been battling suicidal depression. I had an attempt in March of 2004 in Portland and then a serious attempt in December 2005 in Prague. I took 100 ten milligram valiums and 100 ten milligram ambiens and I washed it down with a bottle of whiskey. It should’ve been enough to kill a horse. I didn’t even close my eyes."
Luke: "What’s at the bottom of your depression?"
David: "Loneliness."
Luke: "What’s at the bottom of the loneliness?"
David: "Failed careers which produces lack of self-esteem. A man has to be active to feel self-esteem. Of course, I’m getting older and going bald."
David spent eight months in a Prague prison for firing tear gas canisters at a man outside his Prague apartment who was "f—ing with my electricity."
"When he refused to undo the damage, I opened up on him at point-blank range and I gave him the whole clip of eight shots. I didn’t do any damage to him, but he called the police. He’s the criminal but I was arrested."
"I was kept in a 250-year old prison that had been used by the Nazis and the Communists. Of course not many people speak English."
"They like to arrest black people there. They are very racist. Occasionally I would get a Nigerian or an Algerian who spoke English and we’d make friends. We were locked in our cells 23 hours a day. I would call it a form of low-level torture. I had two nervous breakdowns. I had to be hospitalized. I was kicked. I was slapped. I was laughed at."
Luke: "How has your life been since you returned to the United States [six months ago]?"
David: "I’m suffering from post-traumatic-stress-disorder. For the first four months, I had nightmares every night that I was being sliced by razor blades or put through a machine that would grind me up. I could feel the pain. The dreams have stopped but I’m going to have to see a psychologist."
"I’ve been moving from place to place. It’s been horrible. First I went to San Francisco but I found you can’t go home again. San Francisco has changed radically. They’ve got a new mayor who took away the welfare from the homeless people. This guy [Gavin Newsome] was like a Rudy Giuliani. San Francisco has developed a nasty edge and it depressed me."
"I moved to Massachusetts, which sucks. I’m leaving in Peabody, near Salem. It’s white-trashy. People are fat and disgusting. There are a lot of hispanics. They’re generally nice. They’re just disgusting."
Luke: "How are things with your parents?"
David: "They’re about 90. They have Alzheimers. Did you ever try to have a lasting and intelligent conversation with somebody with Alzheimers? It’s tricky. They’re still sending me money because of my [Chronic Fatigue Syndrome] disabilities."
Luke: "Are you allowed to live in the same state as your father?"
David: "My older brother wrote me in prison asking me to come home to Maryland to help take care of mom and dad. So I get home and say OK. I love my parents. And my brother said no way are you living here. We got into a big fight. I haven’t spoken to him in months.
"My dad said, ‘No way are you living in Maryland. I don’t even want you in the state [or he will cut off David’s trust fund].’ I was like, ‘Ohmigod, where’s the love? Where’s the caring?’
"I called Jewish Family Services to see if they would intervene. My dad hung up on them. I even went to a priest. My dad told him to go to hell."