I get this email:
Hi, it’s Britni. Remember all those times you talked to me online or via email? They never happened. I’ve never once emailed you personally until this moment.
Dennis, my ex, worked very hard at making sure I kept my mouth shut about what was going on in that house and I did. I was fiercely loyal to him. I was also very afraid of him until only very, very recently. Dennis never let me talk to anyone even ONCE as Bisexual Britni unless it was absolutely necessary, such as via phone or in person. I’ve never laid down a keystroke as Bisexual Britni. Never IMd anyone, never even SAW my emails. (The thing I DID do, however, is write 99% of my own articles. Though if it was about either child porn, or lesbians in "love", or how to make a "happy" threeway, it was likely him. I didn’t like those topics much.) He’d brief me about any situation I had to take on myself (in person or on the phone) and that was it. (Ever notice I seemed ditzy about what was going on all the time? It’s not because I’m blonde. It’s because I didn’t KNOW what was going on.)
I currently suffer from what is called PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, due to the abuse, torture and control that I suffered at Dennis’ hands. (I tried to talk to Gene Ross about my situation, but all he cared about was reporting about the restraining orders). It is very important to me to talk about this condition and WARN PEOPLE about it. Sometimes, a person can go through one traumatizing event (such as a single rape) and suffer from PTSD. What Post Traumatic Stress Disorder IS, is your brain’s reaction to trauma. Your brain suffers DAMAGE when you traumatize it and it sort of short circuits. You suffer things like: insomnia, panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, crying uncontrollably, flash rages, instant "fight or flight" reaction to minimal stimulus… basically you act like… someone who’s been traumatized. I suffered abuse, torture, psychological/emotional/mental damage, beatings, and control for seven years, since age 17. The conditions in that house were so horrible (they are in my blog, linked below) that it almost sounds far fetched and ridiculous. I wasn’t even allowed to leave the house alone 99% of the time.
I was a dumb teenager looking for someone who could teach me things. Teach me about the world. Someone open-minded, interesting, intelligent, street-smart, capable, and exciting. Dennis was all of these things to me. He also offered me the other thing I sought: a lesbian romance. (That didn’t last long, of course. About a full week and a half. I then started to figure out she didn’t want me there at all, and, later, she assisted in — and initiated — some of my abuse. To this\n day, Dennis laughs about how stupid I was to fall for his technique of "going fishing" with a bisexual girl — Michelle — as his bait.)
PTSD is worse the longer you endure the trauma. The trauma is worse the closer the individual was to you. And it may last longer the longer you wait to address it. I might be totally fucked. It was seven years for me. He was my whole world. I haven’t even told a soul about anything that occurred — including my own current husband — for two years. I’ve only recently started opening about it to him. This could last my whole life. What I want people to know is that you need to get OUT immediately if you are in an abusive relationship. The damage that you suffer isn’t just the basic black eye, a few bruises, emotional heartache, helplessness, degradation, or even utter despair. The longer you stay, the more likely you will suffer from PTSD.
Here is a link to my blog: http://freebessi.livejournal.com
"To Summarize" tells about most of what happened, in a very, very small nutshell… as small as I could get it, anyway — it’s still pretty damn long. "My Struggle With PTSD" tells you what I go through on a daily basis because I didn’t get away from the abuse in time. I don’t want others to make the same mistake. I’d like you to help me tell people about this.
Here is a link to the beginnings of a website I’m creating (I have the home page done and some message boards; so far that’s it) for women who have experienced Domestic Violence (and also those who suffer from PTSD because of it). It’s called www.RunYourMouthAboutIt.com (I named it that because abusers so often use that phrase when referring to the idea that you might tell someone what happened. Every scumbag uses this phrase. — i.e."Don’t go running your mouth about…."). Telling others what happened de-powers your abuser and brings him out from the protection of darkness and secrecy. Women have more power than they think. Simply telling someone what happened can do so much.
There’s also an awesome website called www.YouAreNotCrazy.com. If you’re wondering about what you’re experiencing in your own relationship, or what METHODS are used against women and why they stay in these abhorrent circumstances, please read the Quiz section; click on the left for the abusive behavior and look on the right for a thorough explanation.
Dennis is not original, nor is he a genius for what he has done to me and many others in the past, including Michelle (the PassAroundGirl, remember?). He even hurts you in ways you don’t know about until later; Dennis’ favorite thing with me was to tell others I was actually insane, and tell me to say and do things that would prove it. I didn’t realize this was something he was doing OUTSIDE of simple advertisement for our website, just to hurt me. He does things to Michelle that she knows nothing about, such as torturing or harassing her while posing as someone else. He also convinces her — as he did me — that certain things are in her best interest, such as admitting herself to a mental institution — but he simply likes to have more to use against her — after all, she’s "crazy", right? He didn’t care if she got better; he and I took a romantic vacation on the Queen Mary during her stint there in the loony bin. That stuff and so much more… he sits around with me quite often, as well, having a good laugh about the demeaning tattoos he convinced her to get.
Michelle has never spoken to you, never interviewed with you — unless it was in person or on the phone — or sent you an IM or email online. She’s not allowed, just as I was not allowed. The entire story that was sent to you for PassAroundGirl advertisement purposes was written by him so that he could put a Dennis-is-a-good-guy-who’s-abused-by-a-psychotic-cheating-whore slant on it. He forgot the part about him beating her constantly, calling her fat all the time, lowering her self esteem to the point that she was wishing for cancer in order to lose her weight, addicting her to meth and coke while starving her (which is how she’s finally lost her weight) — I’m stunned she’s still alive — whoring her out without giving her a cent of her earnings…. it goes on and on.
I’ve given up on hoping that at least one journalist does the right thing with my story, since I’ve already found that I can’t trust people to do as they say in this regard, but I hope that you do what you feel is right. My preference is that we interview, or that I write an article FOR you, or that you write your own article based on what you know but please show me the article — if you decide to publish — first so that, just in case you misunderstand something, we don’t post anything untrue… and I’d like to know when — or IF — anything is being posted at all.
My major interest is warning other girls about what can happen to them mentally if they remain in an abusive relationship. Please help me get the word out there. I didn’t know about this before because NO ONE TOLD ME. It took me TWO YEARS to figure out what was wrong with me. Don’t let the same thing happen to anyone else. Don’t allow the ignorance of this condition to spread. I don’t care if we don’t talk about Dennis at all. I just want to let other women know what can happen to them. Before it’s too late.
Thanks.
Sincerely, Bessi (FORMERLY Bisexual Britni)