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Mike Albo Interview I've known Mike Albo since January
1996 when he presided over Hustler Erotic Video Guide. Over the years,
our relationship had its ups and downs (more downs than ups). We feuded
for years. This finally came to an end in December 2000 when Mike bitch-slapped
me outside the Larry Flynt building. I promised to only write about
him responsibly thereafter. Mike Albo Spills All About Leanna Hart A Peek Into The Mind Of Porn's Best Writer The Best Of My Mike Albo Correspondence ....... Hustler and Hustler Erotic Video Guide (HEVG) take the opposite approach to AVN's cheerleader style. HEVG dishes everyone. "It's hard to get a good review from Hustler," says Cash Markman. "And that can be good. AVN tends to be soft. I've done crap that they've called good." "Far be it from me to rip another publication," writes Hustler's Sam Lowry, "but Adult Video News' first foray into fuck films is a self-congratulatory bore. Adult Video Nudes (VCA) is rife with in-jokes that supposedly lampoon the AVN staff, but the psuedohip references won't matter to the jerker who is sitting at home trying to get off. If more energy were spent on bringing the sex scenes alive, the self-indulgent humor wouldn't have mattered, but outside of a pair of bookend fucks that open and close the tape, it's paltry poking." Selwyn Harris makes a living as a contributor to Major Adult Publications (oooh...) and as a screenwriter for Major Adult Video Productions (..aaah!) "I lover jerking off. It's a blunt sentiment...but let me add that I am an infantile, dysfunctional, borderline sociopath whose devotion to low-rent sex-kicks is so pathological that I get paid to pull my wienie all day and wax amusing about it. "If only the flesh industry could be so honest. Far too many smut-pushers these days imagine that pornography serves purposes other than assisting yank-addicted addicts mooks like myself in completing a given day's ration of sperm killing. They're lying." (HEVG) Hustler Erotic Video Guide (HEVG) is the most amusing of the mags that cover porn and provides a superb guide to raw male nature. If you want to know how men think and act without the constraint of civilization, read HEVG. The split-personality of Editor Michael Louis Albo produces a magazine that is both the raincoater's guide and the thinking man's guide to pornography. Michael Louis Albo was simply 'Mike Albo' until "some fag on the East Coast using my name began writing about '70s male TV stars he'd like to fuck..." HEVG also boasts good stroke material, including the half of the mag devoted to ads. "Just like everybody else in the free world, we need to pay the bills," reads Albo's reply to a complaining letter about the large amount of ad space. "That's what advertising helps us to do. Besides, some of the pictures that run with the ads are downright nasty. We jerk off to them all the time. In addition to providing the reader with whack material, we aim for a higher plane by giving honest reviews and valuable insights into what goes on in the minds of your favorite porn stars because, after all, a woman is definitely more than a cunt and an asshole. There's also her tits." HEVG, like many sex mags, covers up the penetration shots in their ads with black dots. Albo: "People can choose from hundreds of sex magazines. Since I've taken over, I've chosen to model us on a rock n'roll magazine that I particularly loved in the late '70s called Creem. They were part of the rock scene but away from it too because they hated everyone. Nothing was sacred. It amused the hell out of me. "When I took over, I saw that other magazines outside Hustler kiss ass to everyone in the business. So I wanted to do something different." In June 1996, Albo wrote this foreword to my "A
History of X" book:
HEVG makes fun of everybody. Albo says: "Bill Margold and Jim Holliday are fun to criticize because they take it so seriously. "Barbara Dare, a well-known porn star, worked publicity at Vivid. She told me that she thought the magazine schizophrenic because we had a girl on the cover who we'd write something nice about and then the next month, we'd trash her. "Sometimes we're nice and sometimes we're not. I don't think it makes a difference to the fans. We're not going to change anyone's minds. Porn strikes some deeply twisted Freudian root in people's brains. Some guys like big fat brunettes and other guys like skinny blondes. It doesn't matter what we say about them. They'll rent videos anyway. "This is porn. How seriously can you take it? It's people fucking. It's not something sacred that we've got to idolize." "But you rip people," I said. "You hurt feelings." "But the people we write about are not real persons, Performers use fake names. This business is the equivalent of pro-wrestling. Nothing is real. "What people end up seeing on video cassettes is not what goes on on a set. Especially anal movies where many accidents...and weird biological functions occur. You never see the girls taking enemas, for instance. "If you want to look at it as though we're ripping the shit out of people, you've got a point. But it's to deflate the grandiose concept that some people have about this business. But that's just my opinion. I could be completely wrong. "I doubt that any of today's pornography will still be talked about fifty years from now. Porn is a lot like rock n'roll - totally disposable pop culture." "You seem so nice," I said to Albo. "But what you write is so vicious. For example, I'll quote from your latest rant about the hookerization of porn (which fills most of the plot of Pussyman 13 in which Albo acts but keeps his clothes on his tubby body, his cap on his bald head, and his dick in his dress pants). "While it used to be that everyone outside this industry was a mark and deserved whatever happened to him in the course of his dealings with us - we have now been overrun from the inside by the hooker mentality of the female talent who see all men as johns. "...Even the skaggiest...C-level bitch...will miss appointments, show up hours late, not turn in assignments on time and will not have the decency or the common business sense to utter two of the most important words in the English language: I'm sorry. "As for Monique [DeMoan], Brittany [O'Connell] and any other cunt-for-hire who has the mistaken idea that we here at Hustler Erotic Video Guide are going to play the part of some subservient johns....All we have to say is: BLOW ME! And even if it's a really good hummer, the only way you're ever going to get in this magazine now will be to commit suicide. That's always newsworthy." "You've got to read this stuff with a sense of irony," says Albo. "The article was a goof. Or maybe I had a bad night. "It's hyperbolic. The REWIND and FAST-FORWARD column are space for someone to rant. "Tabloid stuff is popular. We're not writing a brain surgery manual. "I hope they don't take the line about suicide seriously. It's all meant in good fun. "When I write about a person, I'm not really writing about the person but about the character she's playing. "In my personal life I don't refer to women as bitches, etc.. My writing is my alter ego. "I find porn amusing. It's a good adjunct to masturbatory fantasy. The movies aren't that interesting to me anymore. I'm more interested in the people making them and the scene in general rather than the finished product." "Albo isn't jaded," writes Harris Gaffin in his book Hollywood Blue. "Like Margold, he enjoys attacking, especially the porno performers who do a lame job. Some of them are only concerned with their dance career; they do the minimum necessary to earn the title porn star only so they can get better pay as a feature dancer. Sometimes, the critics change their names. The girls go bananas when they get panned and call up irate. Albo always is sympathetic to their complaints. 'Who him? I had the guy fired. He isn't here anymore,' he tells them. They thank him - he gets back to work." Albo elaborated his views on the hookerization of porn on the set of Pussyman 13. "The premise of this episode… finds Pussyman suffering from a terminal case of porn ennui. Playing myself - the highly paid editor of a national sex mag - I invite Pussyman to relax at my swanky estate where the liqour flows freely and there's a constant parade of half-naked porn dollies. So much for reality-based porn." Born in 1958, Albo, like Jimmy "White Moccasins" Holliday, doesn't fuck the talent. "Working in the business, it would cause more trouble than its worth. It's not ethical. When I taught university, I didn't sleep with either fellow faculty or my students. I'm a private person." Michael says he has no desire to perform sex on camera. "I come from an uptight Italian Catholic family. I went to Catholic schools. And I'm not comfortable with the way I look." The first days that I met Mike he wore sweats and a T-shirt, in violation of Larry Flynt's slacks, shirt and tie dress code. Mike always wears a hat to cover his bald head which he began shaving after most of his hair fell out from doing drugs. Albo says he's been drug-free for three years. Against regulations, however, he frequently closes his office door and smokes a cigarette. "I don't like people taking my photo. I have a large family. When the cameras come out on the holidays, I make myself scarce. "I believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church and I fail miserably in trying to live up to them." Mike believes in God and he particularly enjoys reading the Hebrew Bible, known to many Christians as The Old Testament. "I believe that the historical Jesus was probably a hipper guy than people give him credit for." Next to a massive stack of X-rated videos, The X-Rated Video Star Handbook and an autographed Juli Ashton dildo, Mike keeps a copy of the King James Version of the Bible. HEVG's new columnist Sid Deuce believes that Mike rips the porn industry because "he's so religious." Never mind that Mike doesn't participate in any organized religion. Just reading the Bible in Porn Valley makes you a freak. Another HEVG columnist, Nina Suave, hits a similar note: "With all the activity in this hectic business, how does one choose which sets to cover and which ones to avoid? It's easy. That's what editors are for. Our editor [Michael L. Albo] is the repressed product of a parochial-school education. That's why he felt the urgent need to call me at seven o'clock in the morning to tell me to get over to a shoot featuring Lisa Anne. She is, in the words of Mr. Editor-Man, "the embodiment of every corrupted Catholic schoolgirl who used to pass out blowjobs like they were the Holy Eucharist." Yeah, he's an idiot." Michael says he felt proud when AVN criticized HEVG in its January 1996 editorial. AVN Editor Gene Ross writes: And here I was about to go off on another one of Hustler Erotic Video Guide's literary equivalents of spousal abuse. The magazine in its January issue saw fit to haul AVN into the small claims court of criticism. Why? Because we had the audacity to print Alex Jordan's real name in a news report about her suicide. This comes from a periodical whose bad taste track record runs only a close second to its self-conscious attempt at shithouse journalism. You want tasteful? How's this for tasteful? A sampling of HEVG's own deft handling of the Jordan story is as follows: "Hanging in the closet like a slab of putrefying beef, swung the lifeless carcass known to the world - well, the porn world anyway, as Alex Jordan." Touching sentiments to say the least. Wait, it gets better: "...her mouth...was open in a hideous gape, leaving the once-pretty porn patty's face looking like a Kabuki mask framed by a Bozo the Clown hairdo." The author of the Jordan article, Wally Wharton, explains her style as a protest against suicide. Mike and Wally ran into each other at January's 1996 Consumer Electronics Show, as Mike narrates in the 3/96 HEVG. "...I've gone this route before and sneak through the freight entrance. The only problem I encounter is not from the guards, but from a toad-like writer/photographer from another publication [Mark Kernes, AVN] who, when greeted by me, stops in his tracks, calls me a scumbag and spits. And after all the free publicity I've given him. It just goes to show that you can't be nice to people in this business - unless they are Chief Jimmy White Moccasins. "As I'm preparing to go to the [AVN Awards] show, I run into a skaggy freelance-writer chick [Wally Wharton] who is so blown out on any number of chemicals that she's a vibrating, raving bag of nerves and bone. It doesn't help when her traveling companion gives her the second tab of LSD. All things considered, it could have been worse, what with her paranoid fantasies of being followed by secret agents bent on her destruction and her subsequent ejection from the convention floor, all conducted simultaneously as she tried to interest Buck Adams in a blowjob. What's an editor to do? Easy. Fire the bitch. And ditch her skagged-out presence at the first opportunity." Wally is so ticked at Michael for the mean things he writes about her that she's considering hiring a well-hung black guy to fuck him up the ass. Why? Because Michael promises to commit suicide if a "Negro" sodomizes him. Albo frequently writes in HEVG under the name Dove Linkhorn, the lead character in the novel A Walk On The Wild Side by Nelson Algren. It's one of the five novels that he reads over and over again instead of going through the pain of selecting a new book to read. "I used to like porn," writes Albo in HEVG. "There was a time I watched so much of the stuff that my wrist and elbow suffered permanent damage and ended a promising career on the professional bowling circuit. "When did things start to sour? Was it another idiotic phone call from some dysfunctional dick-denouncing slut who felt slighted by this magazine's assessment of her dubious sex appeal? …Naaah. It was just a case of one sequel too many. I find it hard to get excited over a video with a title like Hollywood Anal Nurses Volume 2,122." One thing Michael and Wally share is hatred from industry legend Bill Margold who used to review flicks for Velvet until deciding that he should stop writing about other people and let them write about him. Here's an excerpt of Bill's 1980 review of Three Ripening Cherries and Champagne Orgy. "Velvet readers can avoid two turds with one stone-cold review....Champagne Orgy is even worse than awful....Troy Benny, the director, may well have turned the cameras on and walked out of the room during this unarousing excuse for adult entertainment. What is supposed to be a cast party degenerates into an orgasmic-less series of grunting and grinding grapples during which many of the holes and poles spend more time looking into the camera than in each other. Cum shots are the main course, and Benny never misses the chance to show us a man's seed from every angle possible. If I were a spermatozoon in Champagne Orgy, I'd file for residuals." Bill used to be a friend of the late Troy Benny, whose real name is Carlos Tobalina. Bill also used to be a friend of Michael Albo, Wally Wharton, Drea, Jefferey Douglas, Viper, Alex Jordan, Jim Holliday... Craig Anthony: "The problem of porn journalism...is bringing variety to describing material that has little variety. Porn repeats itself and lacks aesthetics on which to comment. How does a writer maintain reader interest. Hence we get the lurid vocabulary, the endless made up words for cock, cunt and cum and the hyped disputes about trivia." Like Margold and Holliday, Albo thrives on animosity. He read sections of this book placed on the internet, and took strong exception to my long quotes of the Video Guide. On May 28, 1997, my 31st birthday, Mike posted on RAME under the headline "Luke F-rd is an A--Hole." He also left angry messages on my voice mail. "You are a total moron. You are an idiot. You are a loser. I've been hearing about all your internet activities and I've heard you're bringing my name into it. I don't appreciate it. Leave me out of everything you've been doing. You're a fucking goofball. You just better hope that we don't meet up because it's not going to be a pretty situation. "Judging from the yarmulka you wear on your pointy little pinhead, you must be a religious man. If I were you, I would pray that you don't run into me. "I don't want to get specific, but if I were you, I'd be getting very nervous, because there are people other than me that are very upset with your little activities. "You are a loser and a gimp. So don't use my name. If I see you, it's going to be very unpleasant. If you use my name one more time...." I called Mike at home and he harangued me with similar language for five minutes. He said that I had "broken the code" by revealing real names. The next day I received these messages from Albo. "You're in deep shit, my little fucking Australian friend.... Somebody is going to take care of you. You've created a number of enemies these last couple of days. And you can consider me at the top of the list. You fucking dick head... "I don't want to have my name on the fucking internet... Do not ever say that I am your mentor. I think you're a dick. I think you're a loser. I think you're a hypocrite. So fuck you. I hope you die. "...You get dumber every time I hear your stupid voice and your stupid Australian accent. Get a lawyer, pal, but even more important, get a good doctor 'cause you're going to need one. I can hardly wait for it to happen. I'll come to visit you in the hospital though. If you make it to the hospital, that is. Some of the people who are looking for you are not talking hospitalization, pal. But I'll come to your funeral..." Albo left similar messages on my voice mail every few weeks through the Fall. On October 7, 1997, at 12:55PM, he left this: "Hey Luke F-rd, you fucking faggot. I just want to let you know that if you didn't get my last message, I'm going to kill you. You're a real dick head. I don't know how you think that there's going to be no consequences for the shit that you do. But there is, big time. And I'm going to love being one of the people that delivers it to you, pal. But I guess your circle of hell is already reserved. "I'm looking at this shit that you're putting up on the internet. It is so fucking lame. You can't even get fucking published. You've gotta put this shit on the internet where all the fucking gimps and losers are. It's pathetic. And what's even worse, you have the skill of a second year college student trying to write a term paper. If one of my students would've handed in a piece of shit like this, it would've been 'Go back to the fucking drawing board.' "You're a piece of shit. I'm telling you for your own good. Because we're going to run into each other and you ain't going to see me coming. It's going to be real painful for you, pal. "Maybe you're getting a good laugh out of it now. But as I'm kicking the shit out of you, and you're slipping into unconsciousness, just remember how funny it was. I'm going to lay you out hard, pal. If I were you, I'd be sleeping with both eyes open." On October 29, 1997 Albo posted to the rec.arts.movies.erotica newsgroup under the headline "Luke F-rd IS A FAKE." He wrote: "While surfing the net, I came across Luke F-rd's pitiful attempt to wangle a buck out of the gullible masses. $20 for his "History of X" and $30 for his porn star "Profiles". DON'T BUY THIS STUFF! Luke F-rd did not write any of this material. He plagiarized almost every single word from Hustler Erotic Video Guide and Adam Film World magazines. Worse, in far too many places, he presents previously published material as his own. What a loser. Hey, if you want to read this stuff, contact me in care of Hustler Erotic Video Guide and I'll send you FREE copies of whatever material you might want. Don't send this punk your hard-earned money. He'll just spend it on fancy yarmulkes and blowjobs from boy prostitutes anyway." Mike Albo and Hustler Erotic Video Guide (HEVG) have obtained a restraining order against male performer Alec Metro for his threatening phone calls. Metro supposedly said: "…I do my pop-shots now during my sex scenes thinking about how bad I'm gonna fuck you up, Albo…and if you think you can record this to protect your ass, remember this: it's admissible in court, you asshole…" Alec follows behind a long list of porners who've been infuriated by Albo's cutting style. Al Borda hated HEVG calling him a "cocksucker" and "retard." Albo says Jim Holliday won't talk to his staff "because several of our reviewers felt his movies were pretentious, long-winded tripe." For pornographers who want to get good reviews, Mike recommends not acting "like a fag… Hey guys, keep those wrists straight when pointing…and stop doing those double-anal scenes where you rub dicks with another guy." For those porners who can't take criticism, "just commit suicide. It's become something of a porn tradition and we'll always remember you for such a dramatic act." (HEVG 9/98) 10/11/98: Luke receives this email: "Here's some news for you, [Hustler Erotic Video Guide editor] Mike Albo is strung out on heroin. he's been a junkie for years. I hate to see him calling you names in print when he's got his own skeletons. Ask him, and see what he says. Check out his pinned pupils, and now it makes sense when he sounded fucked up on the phone that time, huh? Don't be suprised when the porner friends try to protect him. What's the matter, Mikey? Can't face the truth? I love the stupid porners, they are my daily entertainment for years now. Others love you too, Luke, friends of mine at Hustler they love you and we all want to be outed as LUKE LOVERS but our jobs won't permit it-yet... We've got our own book ideas too...it's just too weird this world of freaks." 7/19/99 Mike South writes Luke: "Do guys like Mike Albo understand the term terroristic threat and what it means...if you chose to press charges that is enough evidence to have his ass locked up right now...an open and shut case. If he follows up with breaking your nose, you could own him. I can see the headline on your site now...Mike Albo: Luke F-rd's Little Bitch. I suggest that people think before they threaten you with violence or they may GIVE you your supposed wish of everyone in the industry going to jail, with all your enemies you could single handedly be responsible for the incarceration of almost all of porn valley." Hustler Erotic Video Guide editor Michael Louis Albo writes www.geneross.com: "Gene: You know, the weekend rolls around and I put all this porno stuff on the back burner - sort of like what I do every day at 5:30 when the work day is over. Wasn't able to that this weekend. I received a phone call from Dr. Andrea Labinger, one of my former colleagues at the University of LaVerne. It seems that the good doctor has received an e-mail from one Mr. Luke F-rd who wanted to know if it were true that I had, indeed, worked at ULV (as I've said ad nauseam in the past). Although, I didn't see the e-mail, Dr. Labinger expressed some concerns about it's author. The words "crackpot" and "stalker" were used. Luke, it seems, is not being exactly forthright with Dr. Labinger, claiming he needs verification of my employment history for-get this-an "article" he's writing about me. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but has Luke ever written an article anywhere? Those lame-ass attempts at "satire" hardly qualify, and other than his poorly written and abysmally researched book, I don't think I've ever seen him in print. In fact, the only place I've seen his writing is on his own web site. That in itself speaks volumes as to how much value the rest of the world places upon his writing-if one can call what he does writing. Anyway, like I've hypothesized before, Lyin' Luke is miffed because we here at HEVG had the audacity to critique his book. Now, like the little bitch that he is, he seeks to discredit me. Too bad my friends at ULV will verify that I truly did teach there (although once this is established Luke and his moron supporters will undoubtedly try to save face by casting aspersions on ULV-hey, it's not Harvard). The point of all this? None except to say that I don't like it when people lie to my friends. I like it even less when they make my friends uncomfortable by pretending to be something they're not. Luke, be advised that I'm gonna break your nose when I see you." Luke: Here is the note I sent Andrea Labinger and her reply: From: lukeford To: labinger@ULV.EDU Date: Tuesday, July 06, 1999 11:17 AM Subject: Michael Louis Albo My name is Luke F-rd. I am a freelance journalist writing an article on Mike Albo. He said that you could confirm that he taught at La Verne? Is this true? Luke Subject: Re: Michael Louis Albo Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 06:15:38 -0700 From: "Andrea Labinger" To: "lukeford"(lukeford@mediaone.net) (labinger@ULV.EDU) Yes, it's true that Michael Albo was an adjunct instructor in English at the University of La Verne. -Andrea Labinger August 3, 1999 Mike Albo writes: "Gene: If anyone ever had a doubt that Luke F-rd is lazy and not-too-bright need only take a look at his posts today. Isn't it interesting how almost everytime I write something to YOU, it magically appears on Luke's site? "Apparently Luke is nervous enough to try to imply that he'll take legal action if I carry through with my promise to break his nose. What he apparently fails to realize is that I DON'T CARE WHAT HE DOES. People who know me are well aware that I have very little regard for myself, so it stands to reason that I have even less regard for a plagiarizing, half-truth telling little bitch like Luke. Now, just for fun, let's see how long it will be before this post shows up on Luke's site. "Oh, and by the way, to illustrate what a vindictive little punk Luke is, one need only look at his recent attacks against my friend and colleague Evan Wright. Evan, who wrote the unflattering item about Luke in Rolling Stone, is currently being painted as a rip-off artist by Luke via some complaints by photographer Johnny Castano about some (unsolicited) photos Castano sent to Evan-last year. (I won't go into the numerous horror stories involving Castano and several other editors here at LFP, Inc.) "Once again, as in the recent Georgia Miles flap, Luke (and Castano, I might add) shows his ignorance of how professional publishing works. The standard line is that a publication is not responsible for unsolicited material. Maybe Castano should have thought about that before he sent so many photos to Evan. But that's really beside the point. What's really happening here is that Luke is angry with Evan for writing about him in less than glowing terms and because of that, he's now attempting some sort of lame character assassination. Too bad. Evan Wright is one of the most honest people with whom I've had the pleasure to work. I cannot say the same for Luke F-rd who deals in half-truths, insinuations and outright lies. "Finally, do you think Luke will look better once I give him that free nose job?" Gene sez: "Like the ones Darren and Marc Star got to hide their so-called incriminating pasts?" NiceJewishGirl writes: "Just out of curiosity, if Mike Albo hates you so much how come he's reading your site daily to see if his name is there? I think Mike is suffering from brain related testosterone poisoning. It's something a lot of guys suffer from, especially since I've been reading your site. Death threats and threats of physical violence! I have news for them, hey it's only a web-site! Take it easy guys! This only confirms my view that most men are insane. I'm wondering if these threats make these guys feel more "manly"? I wonder if Mike, if he has a wife or girlfriend, threatens to beat her up too if she doesn't agree with him? He sounds really violent, I can't imagine any woman going near a guy like that." Luke: Mike's relationships with women are generally limited to those he employs at Huster Erotic Video Guide. Mike Albo phoned at 12:37 PM: "Hey Luke, this is Mike Albo. I just looked at your site and saw your response to Nice Jewish Girl. Very interesting. You know more about me than I know about myself. What women are you referring to? I suggest that you do a little fucking research first before you start writing shit about my personal life which you know nothing about. "Anyway, Larry Flynt Jr. and I would like to invite you out to lunch next week. Please make sure that you save the time for us because we would really like to take you out... And when we say take you out, we mean, it's on us. So give a call to my assistant. So, in the meantime, get your facts straight before you write about me. You don't know anything about me... This is the first time I've even spoken to your stupid fucking voicemail in a year and a half, two years. And I haven't even seen you. So don't be writing that fucking shit... I told you that I am going to break your nose. Now I am going to give you a black eye too." Next message at 12:39 PM: "Hi, my name is Linda Phelps. I just read on your website about how Mike only dates girls within his corporation. I just want to tell you that that is not true. Because I've been seeing Mike for a long time. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had. I don't work at LFP and it is really mean that you would say such things. You are changing our love by printing such lies and I don't appreciate it. SO SCREW YOU!" She hangs up. Next message: "Hi, this is Linda Phelps again. I want to apologize for my last message. I got a little emotional there... That's not like me. When I see the man that I love slandered, it just does something to you, you know... I just wanted to say that Mike has never beat me... He's never raised a hand to me... He's one of the sweetest, kindest souls I've ever met. [At least, when he's not on smack.] "He's fun. He's charming. I don't know where you get all this stuff about him... Obviously you don't know him. He's amazing. We've been together for a while now... He's... I can't even tell you. Thank you. Goodbye." Luke: Hey Mike, I heard that you had carnal relations with several of your columnists, including Sid Deuce, Wally Wharton, and Nina Suave and Marc Medoff. From www.geneross.com: Mike Albo writes: "Gene: Does Luke F-rd write anymore, or does he just reprint your site? (Notice how quickly my post to you went on Luke's site?) Gene sez: "The question is, will Luke post this posting about your posting being posted?" Mike Albo later writes: "While I've been letting a lot of what Luke F-rd says about me slide, I have to respond to this dimwit's assertion that I only date women I employ at the magazine. First, this little bitch doesn't know a thing about my personal life. Second, this is just another attempt for this jerk to try and cause trouble for me. Luke, like I told you, I'm gonna break your fuckin' nose. But now I'm gonna give you a black eye too. I suggest that if you're going to continue writing untruths about me, you be man enough to walk down the street and and say whatever is on your mind to my face. Of course, sissy-boys like you never do the honorable thing." Gene sez: "Mike, if it comes as any consolation, I will properly footnote your comments in MY history about the business." Albo, later, in a follow-up call said that Ford called him and apologized for the "mean-spirited" and "uncouth" remarks that Ford posted on his site [about Albo dating employees]. Ford, according to Albo, also made some offer of conciliation, and Albo says he was weighing it. Unfortunately, Albo's mood for conciliatory gestures was short-lived when Ford posted additional comments that Albo was on smack, prompting Albo to write this: Albo: "Regarding Luke's hilarious insinuation that I am "on smack." I'd like to issue to the following challenge to Mr. Ford. Luke, why don't you put your money where your mouth is. I'm willing to take a drug test right now. I'll even pay for it. However, if the test comes back negative and I am drug-free, I will then be allowed one punch in your face-with no legal repercussions. Are you man enough to accept?" Luke: Hmm, interesting challenge. Will have to think about that one. 8/10/99 Albo Takes Luke For A Ride I arrived at the Larry Flynt building on Wilshire and La Cienega Blvds at noon today and met Hustler Erotic Video Guide editor Mike Albo and his assistant Tim. I assumed they were going to offer me a job. I skipped breakfast and felt ready to load up on a huge fancy lunch courtesy of Larry Flynt Publications. Albo drove (I assume it was his car). He insisted that I sit in the front seat. We listened to a pop music station and did not speak. I felt nervous and rather relieved that Albo did not punch me in the nose. He was dressed in black and seemed menacing. He smoked with the windows down but the air conditioner on. Driving carefully and responsibly, Albo said to Tim, "did you tell him that Larry [Flynt Jr] is going to meet us there?" Tim: "No I forgot." Albo took Wilshire to Fairfax Blvd and took a right towards the Ten Freeway. I feel like jumping out of the car. I break the silence. "Where are we going?" Mike: "To a restaurant." Five minutes later, I break the silence again as we drove east on the Ten: "Which restaurant?" Mike: "Don't worry about it. Just a restaurant. Don't be so nervous Luke." I'm getting nervous. Albo exited on the 60 to Pomona and got off on Whittier Blvd. I've never been here before. Everything seems to be in Spanish. Mike pulls off on to a side street. "We'll park on the street," he says. Relieved, I get out and step away from the car. By the time I turn around, the car is driving down the street. I've been ditched. I checked my pockets and to my horror found that I had not brought my wallet. I have no money. I walk to Whittier Blvd and see a sign saying that I am in Boyle Heights. Everyone is speaking Spanish and most of the signs are in Spanish. I ask a waitress to call me a taxi and eventually get home at 1:15 PM after a $47 taxi ride (including my $2 tip). The taxi driver could not speak English but I signalled him which way to go. A few months ago, Mike Albo threw porn star Kendra Jade out of the building for being my friend. Director James DiGiorgio writes: "Luke Brasco: I swear you're becoming more of a retard every day. I'm sending you copies of The Godfather 1 and 2, and Goodfellas. Please pay special attention to the parts when characters get whacked, and avoid those kind of situations. Here's some advice while you're waiting for the movies to arrive. First, don't EVER get into the front seat of a car, when there's some guy alone in the back. Look for this piece of Clemenza dialogue from GF1-- "Hello, Carlo."-- and you'll see what I mean. Also, why the fuck would you meet them there? Only a retard would do that. When the meeting was set, you say where, and meet them there. And you make sure you have some people who know where 'where' is. I'm very disappointed. You've learned nothing." NJG writes: "How come when I just heard about the shooting in L.A. I thought it was you:)? I am serious, but it is funny I thought that." "Professor Albo truly pissed off," writes XY. "Luke, I think you should take Mike Albo up on his offer for a drug test...only make sure it's random. For his convenience, it will only be during business hours (that way he doesn't have to worry about you showing up at 3 AM). And make sure someone is in there with him so he can't fake the test. I'm sure he wouldn't mind that." From Gene Ross Seduced and Abandoned in East LA: The Luke F-rd Saga Continues When it rains, it pours. After Luke F-rd's drubbing Saturday night, Hustler's Mike Albo extended a lunch invitation to Ford Tuesday afternoon which resulted in Ford allegedly being abandoned in an East L.A. neighborhood. Albo: "As far as I know, he's still in East LA somewhere. My assistant and I met him in front of the building [LFP]. He [Ford] got in the car. First he gets in the back seat. I go, no, sit in the front. He's like, no. He switches places. He's nervous as hell. We drive down Fairfax and get on the freeway and just start heading east. We're on the freeway for about 15-20 minutes, past downtown. We get off on Whittier Blvd. This whole time I'm not talking to him. Nobody's saying anything to him. Finally, he goes where are we going? We're going to a restaurant. Then there's more silence. I'm not exactly sure where I'm taking him at this point. We get off at Whittier. I see this dumpy fucking restaurant in a really bad neighborhood. I pull around the side, and go there's no parking here, we're going to have to park on the street. We drum down this little side street, my assistant bends over, he's pretending tying his shoe. Luke, at this point, is so fucking nervous, that he just jumps out of the car and closes the door. As soon as he does that, I hit the automatic door lock and take off. I'm looking in the rearview mirror and I'm seeing this horrified, perplexed, why are you doing this look. This was one of those places where there was graffiti everywhere. He was wearing these little pressed jeans and all preppied up. I love a guy like that." In the September 1999 issue of HEVG, Albo, under the moniker Dove Linkhorn, interviews John Bone of Cream. John says: "When I started Fantastic [for Metro in 1995], I went out on a limb. The industry had been Vividized. Everything was story-driven and soft-core. Kissy-face and safe. I went out on a limb and did extreme European hard-core, which is what I knew - I grew up with that. I had lawyers calling me and telling me to stop rocking the boat and I was going to ruin the industry and we were all going to hell in a handbasket because I was pushing the envelope." Bone says other company owners (I assume he means Steve Hirsch of Vivid, and VCA's Russ Hampshire) tried to shut him down and kill his customer base. "People were terrified that if they carried my movies they were going to jail. Nobody went to jail and the public liked what I was doing. I had an identity: I was the hardest, raunchiest producer of pornography in America. It's very difficult to maintain that identity when every kid on the block has jumped on that bandwagon." John says he's adding violence to his movies. Albo asks Bone if Gene Ross writes his scripts. John says no. "...For years it was me under attack and they always dragged Gene out to beat me with. Now he's under attack and they're dragging me out... "The internet has changed our lives and it has only just begun... Before the consumer was never taken into consideration. Movies were made for AVN or GVA. The opinion about our movie stopped with the reviewer and the magazine, or the distributor. The consumer was only allowed what the distributor wanted him to see. Now, if you read Luke F-rd's - who I personally think is a vicious little fairy - site, it's full of postings from Joe Blow in Iowa." Later, Albo alludes to Leonarto August. Gene Ross has written that "Leonarto August" is my real name. In fact, "Leonarto August" is the English name of my former Israeli roommate Shimon, who apparently once used my social security number. In his "Rewind" column at the end of the magazine, Albo rants about the internet: "Lately, through the irresponsibility of people like self-proclaimed "journalist" Luke F-rd and his amazingly ill-informed sources...the Internet has become a warren of sleazy innuendo, not based on fact, but rather on if these losers like a person or not. "Gene Ross of AVN, a person with whom I've had my differences over the years, has been bearing the brunt of these baseless allegations made by those who are seemingly jealous of his connections and his place in the porn pecking-order. To his credit, Gene has stood fast, and whereas the Luke F-rd crowd deals in groundless accusations, Gene has exhibited professionalism by researching his stories before posting them in AVN or posting them on his site... "...At the same time Luke F-rd started making the baseless allegations that we [LFP] were in the habit of swapping favorable reviews for "cash, drugs and VCRs. "...The internet has become a sort of playground for all those losers and suicides-in-the-making who can't seem to get published in a legitimate forum..." (HEVG 9/99) 10/18/99 Last week Luke wrote that Mike Albo, editor of Hustler Erotic Video Guide, was hanging around on a Wicked Pictures set wearing nothing but fairy wings. I received these phone messages from Mike Friday. Mike 9:12 AM: "Hello Luke, it is pretty clear that you never learn your lesson. I'm refering to the stupid little reference to me today on your site which you know is not true. But yet you put it up there. So this is what I'm putting on your table. You have a choice: I'm either going to break your nose or I'm going to knock one of your teeth out, the next time I see you. And believe me, I'll do it. Because unlike you, I follow through with everything I say. "Contact a lawyer. Go ahead and call the police and tell them that I am threatening you. Just so you know, I'm going to mess you up pal." Mike at 9:22AM: "Hello Luke. I think we need to get this out of the way now. Please meet me in front of the Flynt Building today October 15 at noon. I'll be waiting and I'm going to beat your ass right there on the street. So if you're half a man, you'll show up. "Bring a boxing glove. Better yet, bring your gun because the only thing that is going to stop me from kicking your ass is if you shoot me, but even then I'll probably grab your gun and beat you senseless with it. So, I'll be waiting for you." Mike at 1:23 PM: "Hello Luke, I waited for you and you didn't show up. Big surprise. It's really funny that you can act like such a tough guy from the safety of your apartment but you will never face the consequences of any of your actions. I'm referring to me. I'm going to beat your ass. You can either stop this bullshit that you continue to do or you can get your ass kicked. I've met a lot of people in my life that I dislike but you I hate. I really hate you. I thought you learned your lesson when I dumped your ass in Boyle Heights. Do me a favor. Stop posting this stupid shit about me. You know I'm not gay. You know that I wasn't on that set. Don't hide behind that it's satire or it's comedy. Because it's not very satirical and it's not very funny. "Keep all these voice mails because when a little pussy like you goes to take me to court, at least you'll have some evidence. Which shows you that I don't care what you do. Sometimes you've just got to take a stand. I don't mind getting sued and I don't mind going to jail." Late Friday afternoon, I told Mike's voicemail that John Douglas and I wanted to take him out. Take him out to lunch. Meaning, lunch is on us, pal. Meet us in front of LukeFord.com headquarters at 264 S. La Cienega Blvd in Beverly Hills Tuesday at noon. Monday at 8:53 AM: Mike left this message: "Two things Lukey baby. Number one, don't ever fucking threaten me. Number two, today's Monday. Be out front of the Flynt building at noon and I'm going to beat your ass on the street. You don't threaten me and you don't take a fucking attitude with me so be out there today and take your beating like a man. And, oh by the way, usually when you try to threaten somebody, you do it by yourself, you don't imply that somebody else is going to be there. So show up today by yourself and take your beating like a man." 9:17 AM: "Hello Luke, it is Mike Albo. It is Monday morning. This is my second message. Somebody explained to me that you are doing this just to get me angry and get some attention for yourself and the more I thought about it, the more I thought that they were probably right. So I am not going to play your stupid little game. You can show up here if you want today at noon but I would advise against it. I'm going to wait until I run into you, maybe up in Las Vegas this year, at the CES, and I'm going to blindside you. I'm going to break your jaw and I'm going to break your nose. And I hope you have insurance because you're going to need it to pay for the reconstructive surgery. And if you think I'm kidding, I guess you'll have to wait until the next time we meet." 10/22/99 Mike Albo phoned Luke Monday: "It seems for some reason I just can't escape from your presence. I just received a call from my employers who want me to offer you a position on my magazine. However there can be no mention of this on your website until we can work out the details. Then you can talk about it all you want. Until then, if you mention it on your website, the deal is off. If you could please meet me Wednesday at noon out front of our building, I will bring you up to my office and give you all the details. I'm totally opposed to this and I still hate your guts but I am a good little soldier and I do what I'm told. And I still might kick your ass." Luke replied: "Hey Mike, I'm just not worthy of writing for Larry Flynt Publications. So I won't be there." Friday morning, Albo left me this message: "Hey Luke. I just got your message. And I've got to give you credit where credit is due. You're much smarter than I thought you to be. Actually, there was no job. You were just set up to get your ass beat. So be on the lookout. I'm still going to do it." Squacko writes: "Yeah, it seemed implausible that LFP would be hiring more writers amidst company -wide "repositioning" and cutbacks. Even more ignominously, LFP is obviously too cheap or too inept even to underwrite an effective beat-down. What a bunch of schlemiels!" 10/27/99 Luke phoned Mike Albo Tuesday night: "Mike, I would like to meet with you Wednesday morning so that I can apologize to your face. Also, I've detected a note of hostility and anger in your phone messages. Is it because I'm Jewish? Because Jews brought God and His Ten Commandments into the world? Is that why you hate me?" Mike called at 9AM while Paul Cowan of the National Film Board set up in my hovel. Mike: "Hey dick head. I don't want to meet with you. I don't want to see you. You apologzied publically, that's it. Don't call me again, don't write about me, don't do anything with me. Because if you do, I am going to come looking for you and I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Just leave me alone." Mike hangs up. Then ten minutes later he calls back and says he wants to see me right away in front of the LFP building. I agree to show up. Just before the NFB and I leave, Mike leaves this phone message: "Hey dipshit, I've been waiting for you for 40 fucking minutes. Where the fuck are you? I've got work to do, man. I would figure you would've showed up but you're a big fucking pussy. So let me just lay it down for you. I don't want to see my name on your stupid site anymore. Please take off all references to me. I don't want to hear what your fucking readers think about me, I don't want to hear what you think about me. I don't want to see my name on your site. Take it off. If you don't, I'm going to hunt you down and I'm going to beat your ass." Luke and the National Film Board of Canada descended to Larry Flynt Publications on La Cienega and Wilshire Blvd to meet with Mike Albo, at his kind invitation this morning. I dressed in my yarmulke and prayer shawl, so that if Albo attacked me, it could defined as a hate crime. When we got there, security descended on us and banished the film crew to the public sidewalk. Then Mike never showed up. We left 20 minutes later. Albo called Luke around 11AM. The NFB filmed our phoned conversation. Albo: "I do not appreciate being set up. Let me run something by you. Take all references to me off your website. Just leave me alone man. I don't know why that is so difficult for you... But don't play with me pal." Luke: "Hmmm..." Albo: "You want to cop an attitude with me and be a dickhead about it, I'll make sure that I find you sometime... And another thing. This conversation is between you and me. It is not fodder for your website." Luke: "Ok." Albo: "I don't want to see it on there." Luke: "Ok." Albo: "You say ok, but your word is... You're so full of shit Luke. It's like your apology and then you have to put all this other shit on there. Just take all references to me off your website... Don't write about me. I'm not a public figure. If you don't, it could be very bad for you. Have you ever known me to not follow through on something I said I would do?" Luke: "No." Albo: "So that should tell you something, right? Are you going to leave me alone?" Luke: "Ummm..." Albo: "You better say yes. What's wrong with you? Speak up." Luke: "Hey, you've been pushing me all these months..." Albo: "I haven't been pushing you. You've been doing all this shit. You plagiarize from me... You print misinformation about me. Just stop it. Because if you don't, I'm going to take care of business myself. And you're not going to like what I'm going to do." Luke: "Ok, I'm willing to back off." Albo: "I want all references to me off your website." Luke: "I'm not willing to do that." Albo: "You better do it Luke." Luke: "Not a chance." Albo: "Ok, it's your funeral." Luke: "Ok." Albo: "I don't want to see my name on there again." Luke: "I can't guarantee that." Albo: "You do what you want to do then. We'll just see what happens. Are you man enough to stand up to what's going to happen?" Luke: "I showed up this morning." Albo: "You showed up with a film crew you dick." Luke: "They wanted to meet you." Albo: "Which you didn't even inform me about. You're trying to fucking ambush me, what's wrong with you?" Luke: "It wasn't an ambush. It was a friendly meeting." Albo: "You didn't even inform me about it. Do you think that's fucking fair?" Luke: "Yeah." Albo: "Let me tell you something. Maybe where you come from it is, but it is not the way we do things in the USA. You're a dumb shit. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want anything to do with you. Except the next time I see you, I will have something to say. And you're not going to like it how I say it. Remember the time I dumped you in East LA?" Luke: "Yeah, I didn't like it." Albo: "I'm sure you didn't and you're going to like what's going to happen to you even less. Bear that in mind. You want to keep pushing me, fine do it. But there's consequences." Luke: "Is it because I'm Jewish, Mike?" Albo: "Luke, don't fuck with me. If you wanted to meet me this morning, I was there and more than willing to meet with you but I'm not going to sit there and provide entertainment for some fucking film crew." Luke: "They want to interview you." Albo: "Well, too fucking bad because it ain't gonna happen." Luke: "They've read a lot about you..." Albo: "Luke, you're really pushing it. Hey shut up and listen to me. This is how something could happen to somebody. You could be going to pick up your mail at your mailbox and somebody could come up behind you and something really bad could happen to you." Luke: "That's a really harsh thing to say for just some..." Albo: "Luke, you wanna fuck with me, fuck with me... If you've got something to say, say it." Luke: "Yeah, you've dished it out. Now you need to take it too." Albo: "Fine..." Luke: "That November issue of Hustler Erotic Video Guide was really funny." Albo: "Luke, shut the fuck up. You're a fucking whack job." Mike hangs up. Albo writes Gene Ross: "Gene: No surprise here, but Luke F-rd has, once again, proven himself to be a liar of the highest order. Luke is currently trying to foster the notion that I 'flaked' on some meeting I was supposed to have with him. "This is what happened. After making a back-handed, disingenuous 'apology' to me on his website…to which he later added 'commentary' designed to negate the apology, Luke calls me and offers to meet with me. Okay, fine. Like I said, any time, any place. "I call him and tell him to meet me right then and there. Since he lives next-door to our building, it shouldn't take him long. So I wait for 45 minuutes and he's a no-show. I call his house and tell him he's a pussy who can't follow through. "I have another in-house meeting at 10:00, so I go to that. In the middle of my meeting, I get a phone call informing me that Luke has arrived with a film crew. [Albo, in a phone call, mentioned that Ford was also wearing a yarmulke and a prayer shawl.] "Of course, this was his attempt to ambush me, and I told our security people to have him removed from our property. "What does all this mean? Nothing really, except to underscore the fact that Luke F-rd is a dishonest, dishonorable person who doesn't have the balls to meet me man-to-man, and it's doubtful that he ever will. I think he's incapable of being a man, and I am convinced that he's never going to change. "I'm done with this moron. He had his chance to prove he isn't a miserable little punk, and he failed. So am I going to beat him down still? Well, if I do, you can be sure that there won't be witnesses…and there definitely won't be a film crew there to record any incriminating evidence." Krash write: "Menacing threats. Premeditation. Lying-in-wait. These are all, under California law, special circumstances that mean the difference between a misdemeanor and a felony. Is Mike Albo man enuff to do state time? Because there's not a jury in California that will find for a Hustler hireling in an instance of aggravated assault on a journalist. It may well be time for Albo to start doing those rectal-conditioning exercises so highly prized in porn 'talent'. See ya in Chino, porno-boy!" XYZ writes: "I'm gonna be there [at CES] and kick Albo's ass myself if he makes the slightest threatening move in your direction. He must be a real tuff guy, sitting around writing alliterative phrases like "deep-dish debutantes dip dildos" and chainsmoking all day. Maybe I'll give him a mouthful of pepperspray, too, just to convey a more expressionistic sense of what violence is about. And of course, I'll be a witness at his trial. Who knows? Maybe this putz Albo is the wild card that brings Larry Flynt down? C'mon, Mike--let's get millenial--just you and me and The People of California." Luke got this phone message from Mike Albo at 1PM: "I was just informed to look at your site which I did. And big surprise. You totally violated your agreement that our conversation was going to be private. So obviously you know nothing about keeping your word. And, by the way, you didn't have my permission to use that. You didn't tell me you were taping it which California law requires that you inform second parties that they are being taped. You didn't do that. And for the record, the Canadian Film Board does not have permission to use my voice and you would do wise to tell them that... Because if I find out that this ends up in the final cut...they're going to have a lawsuit on their hands. "I'm just telling you now that you do not have my permission to use this. This is not for use on your website. It is a personal message between me and you. If you want to keep on violating California law, go ahead. Because you will hear from my attorneys... "Just a final warning: Stay away from me. You are not going to like it if I run into you. Avoid me at all costs." Luke replies: "Mike, I would've kept our conversation yesterday confidential, but you started making threats on my life again. And when threats on life are made, I feel free to violate any guarantees of confidentiality. In fact, when it comes to saving an innocent life, including my own, I feel free to violate any law." 10/29/99 Thursday night Nice Jewish Girl left a message for Mike Albo, the editor of Hustler Erotic Video Guide. She tried to intercede in our disputation over the meaning of the word "fairy." Mike left Luke a couple of phone messages Friday morning. 8:52AM: "Hey listen dickhead, this is Albo. First of all, I never threatened your life. And I'll tell you exactly what I am going to do again. When I see you, I'm going to break every fucking bone in your face. You're going to be in a hospital for a month. You're going to have to eat soft food for six months. I'm going to knock out every one of your fucking teeth too. Listen, stay the fuck away from me if you don't want to get your ass kicked... "I don't like you. You are a dishonorable lying sonofabitch. You claim to be super Jew and yet you violate every fucking commandment there is. "Stay the fuck away from me. Don't have your fucking bitch call me, Nice Jewish Girl. I swear to God Luke you have crossed the line... And I better not find out that the National Film Board of Canada is using any taped reproduction of my voice because if they do, they've got a lawsuit on their hands and you will be a part of it. But it may not matter because you're going to be laid up in a hospital. Just so you know Luke, I'm going to beat you fucking down." At 11:43AM, Mike said: "Hey douchebag, I've been thinking about the phone call I got from your little pal Nice Jewish Girl. If she's so concerned about patching things up, you better tell her that there's nothing she can do to stop me from beating your ass down. If she wants to be helpful, she can say a prayer for you because that is the only thing that's going to help you. It might take me years Luke but I'm going to find you and I am going to beat you to a bloody pulp. I'm not going to kill you so you don't have to worry about that. Somebody else will do that for me. "Stay the fuck out of my way. Don't bother me because I am going to find you. And I don't want any more phone calls from your fucking psycho bitch. So keep your little girlfriend on a leash. "Not only are you a liar, not only are you a person who can't keep his word, not only are you delusional, you have to have a chick stand up for you. Jesus, how do you live with yourself. At what age did you have your balls removed? You're a fucking pussy. But I don't have any problems beating you down because you have just pushed me beyond all reason. There's nothing you can do to save yourself... "Carry a gun with you at all times because nothing would please me more than to take that out of you and to pistol whip you into unconsciousness. I am going to fuck you up pal." Harry writes Luke: "Albo definately gets off on this stuff in some twisted way - his little psychosexual power trip. Just like any harraser. The amount of calls he makes makes it obvious. I wonder if he jerks off while doing this - is it audible?" Luke: Yes. October 30, 1999 Gary writes: Luke, are you stupid or do you just have a death wish? I can't believe you've brought back that reference to Mike Albo on the entry to your website. Could you please post a picture of Albo on your website, just in case the Los Angeles Times doesn't run a picture of him after your beating or your death. I'd like to see what he looks like. Luke: Here are pictures from the opening of the Hustler Hollywood December 3, 1998:
JL writes: Luke: Mike Albo's sure changed a lot in four years. I found an interesting article in the March 1995 HEVG. "Porn people are crybabies. That's not a put-down, kids, it's a simple statement of fact. Since becoming editor of this magazine, I've had daily calls frompeople in the business,bth performers and those behind the scenes, who whine and moan and bitch about how unfairly they are treated by HEVG. "Maybe they're right. Perhaps we have been a little harsh in our treatment of certain elements in this business. Talent agent Jim South was reportedly angered about being referred to as a 'peckerwood' in our April 1994 issue......Danyel Cheeks called me at home to let me know that she 'did not appreciate being called a fuckhole' by Seth Roberts. Her boyfriend at that time, an ex-marine, was threatening to come by our offices and teach all of us some manners. "Well, *excuse* us! "We're not out to crush egos or ruin careers. We're just trying to entertain our readers. We just want to have a little fun." Would you believe the author of those words was none other than Mike Albo??? Seems to have changed his views since the March 1995 HEVG came out (page 15, Mike). "We mock the things we are to be." -- Mel Brooks as the 2000 year old man, from the album "2000 and 13," 1973. Nice Jewish Girl left the following message on Albo's machine Saturday night: "Hi Mike... Don't hang up. I read what you said and you know, and I really understand you being mad at Luke. I mean, look at the way that rotten guy has treated me, he is so fucked, I can't even tell you. Maybe I should come over to your house and we should talk about it, what do you think? So don't worry, you don't have to fuck him up. I will fuck him up. God knows if I ever fucked anybody, he would kill himself. So don't worry, I know how to hurt him worse than you could ever think about." 11/18/99 On Monday, Luke ran an interview with Lynne L-patin. Here's an excerpt: Lynne: "I've seen a photo of [HEVG editor] Mike Albo and he looks fat. But what he did to Jeff Hickey, I can't forget." Luke: "He embarrassed him on GeneRoss.com?" Lynne: "Oh no. He did something far worse. He asked Jeff Hickey to drive out to East Los Angeles and run an errand for him and then Jeff Hickey's car broke down. And he didn't want to help him out. So Jeff called me because I have Autoclub. So I go out to rescue Jeff in the car and we're waiting for the Autoclub. Meanwhile, he's kicking something. Some substance, right, he's Jeff Hickey. So we go to McDonalds because that's where he wants to eat. I pay. And he baughs all over the sidewalk. And the Autoclub comes, puts his car in the thing, and drives us home. How did your thing come out? Did your mommy rescue you?" Luke: "No, when Mike dropped me off in East LA, I took a $50 taxi ride home." Wednesday morning, Albo left Luke this message: "Ahh, Luke, once again you show your true incompetence as a journalist. My assistants told me that they found something earlier on your site about a little story Lynne Loptain told you about me and Jeff Hickey. Again, it didn't happen. The only thing that I can speculate on, is that either Hickey told her some kind of sob story to get her to pick him up or... He called me once to say that he had car trouble. He wasn't on any sort of errand for me. And I couldn't pick him up because I was at work. There's a big difference between refusing to pick somebody up and being unable to pick somebody up because of a prior obligation. So once again, if you're going to keep writing about me, check your facts. But either way, it's not going to make any difference because you know what's going to happen to you, right?" Lynne writes Luke: "You were so polite. "Run an errand." Didn't even call Albo a junkie. Why would Jef have to make up an excuse involving Mike Albo to get me to pick him up in East L.A? Wouldn't it have been easier to bribe me with drugs? Albo protesteth too much." 12/06/99 Angel writes: Luke: A friend of mine directed me to your site. I didn't know why, because I'm not into this type of material, but my friend said I should go through your archives. I found references to your problems with Mike Albo. I used to be his neighbor and had gotten in an argument with him once over a shared parking space. He threatened me, but I ignored it - he doesn't look very dangerous, you know? Then, one night, after I got home from work, I was jumped as I was taking out my trash. I received a brok nose, and my jaw was broken too. I also had a concussion and was in the hospital for about three weeks. I could never prove it was Albo because it was dark, and he was pretty careful to make sure there were no witnesses. When I got back from the hospital, Albo told me that "I should be more careful in the future." That's some advice I'd pass along to you. Be careful with this guy, Luke. He's crazy and dangerous. 12/08/99 Luke the Journalist Mike Albo writes Gene Ross: "Gene: Thought you might be amused by this. Earlier this week, I received a couple of phone calls from people I know who, for whatever reasons, still look at goofball Luke F-rd's website. They called to tell me about an item Luke ran about me from somebody identified only as 'Angel.' This person claimed that I had gotten in some sort of argument with him/her (?) over a parking space and that, as a result, I made a threat. Later, this person claims he/she was attacked and had to be hospitalized. Upon release from the hospital, I was purported to have made a remark to the effect of "you should be more careful." Of course, the incident never occured, but Luke decided it would make good copy. So what else is new, right? However, and this is where this story veers into Weirdsville, I get a call TODAY from Luke who, with a fearful quaver in his voice, asks for confirmation of this story-which he posted days ago and has since removed in favor of other, probably equally inaccurate, fodder. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but don't most journalists-even ones with little skill like Luke-try to get their facts straight BEFORE they run a story? Just curious." Gene sez: "The only 'Angel' in this industry that I'm aware of is someone who's actually wrestled Stone Cold Steve Austin and is someone you don't want to get in a fight with over a parking space. And I don't see this Angel winding up in a hospital bed. It would be the other way around. But, as a journalist, Mike, you should know that you never let facts get in the way of a good story." Also Wednesday, Luke received three messages from Mike Albo. First message. Mike: "I don't know why you're checking your facts because you already ran the email. It is totally erroneous. I've never gotten into an argument with anybody over a parking place. But it doesn't matter. You will run whatever you feel will prove embarassing to me. I would prefer not having my confirmation to you on your website but of course that will be up there too. The only person... No, I don't even want to go into that. "Some jerk obviously emailed you with a false story and you ran with it. So, I appreciate it." Second message. Mike: "Hey Luke, it is Albo again. Listen. I would also appreciate it if you would kindly lose my number. I don't like you. I don't like the sound of your voice. I think you're an idiot. This story, you already ran, great journalistic ethics, pal. If you have stories about me, please check them because I don't think any of the stories you ran lately have any basis in fact. Working to your detriment more than to mine, in the long run. "If you really consider yourself to be a journalist, I do enough stuff that is interesting, that is based in fact...that you could cover. Even embarrassing stuff, if that's what your goal is... I do plenty of stuff, that, if you did a little leg work, you could investigate. But lately all you do is get this hearsay stuff, that has no basis in fact, and you run it... And then three days later, you call and ask me if it is true. You are a moron. Leave me alone, because if you don't, it will be really bad for you." Third message. Mike: "Hey Mr. Journalist, it is Mike Albo. You claim to be Mr. Religious Jew. Isn't there something in your beloved Torah about bearing false witness? [Yes, it is the Tenth of the Ten Commandments.] But I guess you skip over that part. And something you might want to think about. To avoid legal repercussions, maybe I am just lying to you. Maybe I did do something like that. Stranger things have happened. And people have been known to lie. Though I have always been pretty honest with you. Maybe I'm telling the truth. Maybe I'm not. I guess you'll just have to see. Maybe one night when you're wandering down the street, somebody might come up behind you. Again, it's a crazy world we live in. You never know. Things happen. So you might want to bear that in mind. Maybe if you were more of a journalist, you'd research this and you'd find out yourself. "Please, don't call me anymore. And don't write about me. Or at least don't write second hand material that you can't verify. "Ok, maybe I will see you sometime. That will be fun, won't it? That will be more fun for me than it will be for you. Bye." Luke phoned Mike Albo at Larry Flynt Publications Wednesday around 2PM. Luke: "Mike, I was wondering if you'd be interested in my covering the AVN Awards for you?" Mike: "Luke, no. And please, don't call me and don't bother me, all right?" Luke: "Well, could you get me a press pass? Paul Fishbein wouldn't give me one." Mike: "Of course he's not going to give you one. Why would I help you out with anything?" Luke: "I don't know." Mike: "Luke, don't start fucking with me, man. Just hang up the phone now." Mike hangs up. 12/22/99 Mike Albo Denies Sending Jeff Hickey On Heroin Run To East LA Lynne L-patin told Luke that Hustler Erotic Video Guide editor Mike Albo sent Jeff Hickey a couple of years ago to East LA to buy heroin. Jeff's car broke down and Albo supposedly refused to pick him up. Instead Lynne did. Photo of Lynne L-patin, Jeff Hickey Mike Albo (middle) Albo denies the charges. Aghast in Modesto writes: I could have lived my whole life very happily without ever having seen Lynn L-patin nude. I may never have an erection again. Albo left this message for me at 9:40 AM Tuesday: "First of all, who is Lynne L-patin? I have never met this woman. I don't know her. She keeps saying this shit about me. "I never bought any heroin from Jeff Hicker. I don't know if he used my name to her. I was friends with Jeff at one point until he borrowed money from me and never payed me back. "I would strongly advise you not to make any allegations of heroin use. As I have told you ad nauseum in the past, I don't use that stuff and I haven't in many many years. "And by the way, if I was going to buy heroin, Jeff Hickey would be the last person I'd go through to do it. I have much better connections back in the day, pal. [Three years ago, Albo denied to me that he bought heroin from Wally Wharton. He used similar language, saying that if he did buy it, he had much better connections than Wally.] "This woman doesn't know me. From what I've seen of her posts on various internet sights, she has mental problems. I don't know what her deal is. I would advise both of you to get off my case. Because ou know what will happen to you when I see you, as your friend Mad Jack advised you. "I have all the time in the world, Luke. One of these days I will run into you and when I do, I'm going to break every fucking bone in your face. As you know, I keep my word. And the same goes for Lynne L-patin, I will smack her down too. "If you were half a man, you'd meet me out front of this building today because nothing would please me more than to go toe-to-toe with you and knock you fucking out. So you better get your shit together and stop writing this shit about me that has no basis in fact. You got me? Because I'm looking for you pal... You might be taking out your trash one night and somebody might come up behind you and then you are going to be in the hospital for many a month." At 10:20 AM, Mike left this second message. "Since you're too much of a pussy to meet me face to face, I thought I would clear the record here and that way I wont have to endure the sound of your fucking horrible Australian accent asking me to verify ridiculous fucking assertion. "Are you ready little man? Got your pencil ready? What I actually am responsible for... Oklahoma City bombing. World Trade Center bombing. I was behind that too. Ethnic cleansing in Yugoslavia, you got it. I suggested it to Slobodan Milosevic. The Columbine High massacre. I sent an email to those kids and suggested it and they took it to the next level. The crank epidemic in the mid West, my idea... And the last thing on the list, I will also be the guy responsible for sending you to the hospital." Luke called Mike at 3PM and offered to meet him in front of LGP. Albo accepted. At 3:30 PM, as I drew close to LFP, I called Mike on my cell phone and he refused to meet with me. He said he'd pick the time and place at a later date. Brian writes: Hey Luke: You called that Fucking Pig's bluff. He never thought you'd accept to meet him and he chickened out. Funny thing is that with the NUMEROUS threats against you, he better pray that nothing ever happens to you.. You could get hit by a car and it could be a complete accident but immediately Albo will be under suspicion because of all the Terroristic Threats against you. Not only is he a fat fucking junkie, he's fucking stupid. Tito writes: Yo Luke - Just gotta tell ya son, I can't wait to see Albo's ass at CES. All his little threats he makes to you, fuck that - cuz I am on a mission to beat his BITCH ASS. I have been liftin weights & training UFC style along with my martial arts - I am gonna beat the fuck outta that guy when I catch him. I'll be driving down from San Francisco with my cop friend who will be packin as well, in case Albo thinks him or his bitch ass boys can pull a piece on me. One more thing, I'll be vested up in kevlar as well. So that bitch aint shooting me down. I aint doing this just cuz of you Luke, I got another very personal & dirty beef with that faggot monster, and he is gonna feel me hard. But watching him taunt you on the site & make all those threats, actin all tuff like he is down wit the mob, FUCK THE MOB, the MOB is dead. Albo a tuff guy, He aint shit, he is ignorant if anything... Albo, All I got to say Al-BO is you better take your beatin' like a man, I will say it right now I aint gonna kill you, but I am gonna hurt you BAD. You aint wirth servin time for so fuck killing you, but if you pull a piece you'll indeed be very dead. And if I don't catch you at CES, I'm gonna blackmail your ass with what I got & he knows exactly what I am referring to... What goes around comes around tuff guy, and it's around mother fucker! Life as you know it is slowly coming to an end . One love luke baby! Donedone@aol.com writes: Luke- First off, I cannot say how dissapointed I am to see Mike Albo joke about ethnic cleansing, the Oklahoma bombing, the World Trade Center bombing, and Columbine High School. Has there ever been a more tasteless, classless guy? Does he realize that people died in all those events and that hundreds of thousands of people have been affected there? I am appalled, and I think that readers of your site should force Mike Albo to apologize. I am sure that someone who reads your site had a relative die in one of those events. And then for him to threaten you and when you call him on it he pusses out!? Is this guy serious. Albo needs to be held accountable for his stupidity and arrogance, and I hope that as readers of your site, we can pressure him into realizing that he made a great mistake that he must apologize for. Mike Albo left this angry message Wednesday 9:40 AM: "Hey listen you fake fucking Jew! Why don't you put the fucking truth on your goddam site? Why don't you say that I waited a half fucking hour for you to show up. You didn't fucking show. I've got a fucking job to do here pal. I can't be waiting all day for you. So fuck you and fuck all those dimwits who write into your site and don't know shit. You have forced me into this man. I am going to fucking lay you so fucking far down that you aren't going to fucking ever get up. You got me? So, fuck you man, don't start this shit with me!" BrandyAlx1: Per Brian's comments on Mike Albo, he's already guilty of terrorist threats. All you have to do Luke is call the police, tell them you've been threatened with bodily injury, play the NUMEROUS tapes for them, and they'll go pick him up (I saw that on TLC when some crew followed around the LAPD. No, this time it was not COPS.) BrandyAlx1: Really, this guy left an answering message saying all the things he was going to do to this man, his martial arts, his guns, his knives, and that he was going to make sure he lived. The cops started saying, "Let's go get him" as soon as the guy said he was going to put his victim down hard, and that was in the beginning of the tape. The rest of it made them shake their heads and laugh that he would be so stupid to leave such a message. BrandyAlx1: Anyway, they went to the guy's apartment fully expecting total resistance and all this weaponry and marshall arts, and it was a little loser in dirty briefs. Said he never threatened anything, that he just left a message for the guy to keep his music down. Suuuuure. 12/23/99 Mike Albo Kicks Luke's Ass Luke walked over to Larry Flynt Publications Wednesday at 11:50 PM. I sat on a brick bench and waited for Hustler features editor David Buchbinder. We were to meet at noon to have lunch. Hustler Erotic Video Guide editor Mike Albo came charging out of the building. I think an LFP security guard was around. Mike starts yelling at me, "Get the fuck off the property." I try to explain to Mike that I have a legitimate reason to be here but he's not interested in my jurisprudence. He comes up to me, grabs my sweater, shakes me up and knocks me down. I pick myself up and scurry over to the sidewalk. He charges after me. I run across the street. I see David Buchbinder walking out of the LFP building. Albo charges after me, yelling at me about what a pussy I am. I run from him. He comes after me. People on the street stop and watch. Albo asks me if I'm willing to stop insulting him on my site. I agree. He wants to shake hands on it. By now we're down the street from LFP, I'm trying to keep ten feet between Mike and I. I'm walking backwards away from him as he approaches. I'm deadly scared. Finally, by the park on La Cienega Blvd, I agree to stop insulting him on my site. He promises not to hit me if we will shake hands on our deal. And I shake his hand. He shakes my hand, then grabs me, slaps me, shakes me and pushes me against a lightpost. I skip away. Albo keeps after me. I retreat up the street towards Wilshire Blvd. Albo picks up a heavy metal chain and swings it around, threatening me. He looks deadly angry, homicidally furious. He berates me for smiling. I tell him I am only smiling because I am nervous (true). He challenges me to come closer to him. I tell him I am too scared. We proceed in this manner down another street. Then he turns and returns to LFP. I was not seriously hurt in the confrontation but I felt shaken up. Later I talk to Albo on the phone and we come to this deal. If I apologize to him and leave him alone on my site, he will leave me alone. I will no longer have to fear his threats. We agree. Part one of our deal is that I acknowledge that he bitch slapped me a couple of times Wednesday because I am a little bitch and a pussy and I deserved it. That Albo humiliated me on the public street in front of people and that I was too wussy to fight him. Number two that I not publish the critical emails that I receive about him. Number three that I apologize for baiting him over the past two years with rumors about his drug use and slanders about his person, such as him being gay, which is not true. Therefore, Mike Albo, I publically apologize to you for baiting you and trying to provoke you via my site the past two years and for spreading gossip about you. Number four. That I follow proper journalistic protocol if I write about him in the future. Luke wants people to know that if they threaten me in the future, I will not necessarily agree to such deals as the one above. Albo and I have a unique relationship going back four years. Today Mike and I made our separate peace. From Gene Ross: Mike Albo apparently finished what Marc Star started at the summer Expo. In an outdoor confrontation with Luke F-rd, Wednesday afternoon, Albo bitch slapped Ford. Albo said he got the idea from Jack Hammer's postings. Albo: "Yesterday he started up again with this Lynne L-patin, who I never met, casting aspersions that I was sending Jeff Hickey, of all persons, out to buy heroin for me. Of course I had to set the record straight but he goes on his website and says, 'that's what Wally Wharton told me, too.' What does she know? That's a stupid kind of thing. Then he calls me again, which is his habit of late, to call and taunt me: 'Aren't we having fun yet, Mike? Aren't you having fun with all this? Isn't this funny? Come meet me.' Fine, I'll meet you but I'll kick your ass. But you gotta meet me right now. So I wait for him about a half an hour. He never shows. I call him back then he posts on his site that I flaked. "Then, I'm going out to lunch and Bill Daniels who's our security guy asks me isn't that Luke F-rd. Luke was apparently supposed to meet with one of the Hustler editors, a guy named David Buchbinder to straighten out some misquote Luke did with him. I walked out and choked him [Ford] out in the front of our building by the John Wayne statue. I told him to get off the property and chased him into the street. "He kept backing up and kept wearing this stupid grin on his face like he thought it was funny. It was sort of annoying. I ask him what are you laughing about. 'I'm nervous. Hee-hee-hee.' And so I sort of chased him around the block and finally caught up to him and told him this nonsense has got to stop. So he goes, 'I'll make sure it stops.' I go we'll have to shake on it. He foolishly tugs my hand. As soon as he did that, just to emphasis the point, I grabbed him with my left hand by the collar and shoved him into a light standard." G. Ross: "This wasn't a bitch slap. This was a bitch slam." Albo: "Yeah, I like body slammed him into a light standard then sort of slapped him in the face. I told him it's got to stop. I'm just playing with him, now. Next time I will break his nose, break his jaw and every other bone in his face. Then he ran across the street. He was literally running but I wasn't going to expend the energy to chase him. I smoke three packs a day. In the course of all this he was pleading like a little girl, 'Please don't hurt me! You're hurting me, stop!' People were driving by telling him to hit him back. 'The bigger they are the harder they fall.' And so that's where we left it where he was going to write an apology and tell the world that I publicly humiliated him." G. Ross: "Vigilanteism is running rampant in this business!" Albo: "All I can say is people who know me know that I'm not a violent person. But this guy has pushed me like he's done so many people. There's no need for it. He's willfull about it and it's got to stop. It's really fucked up. I do enough interesting stuff. You don't have to go to these people who don't know me or don't like me and get these stories that have no basis in fact. He's been pushing it. He calls me up and taunts me. It's like clock work. It happens like every two weeks. I can set my calendar by it. But he did give his word." ( Credit to Gene Ross) April 24, 2007 Video of Rob Spallone on Mike Albo Video II Video of Rob Spallone on Mike Albo III Lorelei Gale Interview at the Lamplighter Video of Rob Spallone, Steve Austin Cameron Cain, Ron Sullivan Video of Rob's outrageous driving, somebody give this man a ticket Ron Sullivan Chat Rob Spallone Video Video Video Video Rob Spallone Displays His Anger Management Graduation Certificate Lamplighter Restaurant. Chatsworth. 12:30 p.m. I walk out of the bathroom and outside. I hear my name called. I turn around. It's Mike Albo. He's just come out of the bar. I assume he's had a drink or two. "I want to talk to you," says Mike. "OK," I say. Mike grabs my man purse. "Come over here," he says. "Let go of my bag," I cry. He won't let go. I have my new videocamera in my bag. "Let go of my bag," I cry. "Come over here," says Mike. I try to wrestle the bag out of his hands but Mike is stronger. He pulls me out into the parking lot and pushes me up against a car. He pokes his fingers into my chest and shoves me back. He says I've been writing inaccurately about him and that he does not appreciate it. I say I haven't written about him in a long time but that if I have been unfair to him, we can work it out. "That link from What Women Want? I am not a heroin addict," says Mike. "Do you know that you are about an inch from having your ass kicked?" I say yes. He leans into me and stares into my eyes. "I want a retraction," he says. "OK, whatever you want. You know we can work it out. We've worked things out for the past few years. I'll write a retraction." We shake hands and separate. I don't want to publish anything inaccurate about anybody and am always glad to retract anything that is inaccurate or unfair. (Exceptions to this rule include when I attempt satire or when I am quoting somebody saying something obviously absurd.) Over the years, I've referred to Albo as a drug addict and as a Heroin addict in the same way someone would call himself an alcoholic even if he has not touched a drink for 20 years. Mike says that his drug adventures were before we met. I don't have any reason to believe contrary. Mike walks back inside the bar. I see Adam from XCartel, Ed Kail from DVSX, and Rob Spallone. "Was that guy kicking your ass?" asks Adam. "Are you OK?" "I'm fine," I say. "Everything's OK." "What was that about?" Rob demanded. "A couple of years ago, I wrote that Mike Albo was a heroin addict." "Who's Mike Albo?" Rob asks. "He's an editor at AVN." "He can't beat you up in front of me," says Rob. "You're a c---. It's like beating up a three-year-old." Rob walks into the bar. A couple of minutes later, he walks out smelling of Scotch. "I took his drink out of his hands, scotch, and threw his drink across the restaurant," says Rob. "I told him to step outside. He refused. He said he didn't know who I was. I'm Rob Spallone. "I told him he'll get fired from AVN unless Paul Fishbein comes up with $5,000. "He said that he punched out." Rob talks to me. "It's not right for people to push you around. Yell at you, fine. But you won't fight back and people know that." Rob's disgusted by my wimpiness. On the drive back to Star World, Rob speeds up, weaves in and out of traffic, and slams on the brakes. He gives directions to a black truck driver and then yells, "Black bastards!" We take an abrupt left into the parking lot in front of an onrushing SUV. I cry: "Slow down, please!" On April 23, Monday, Mike Albo emailed me: Hey, man, I think Jim Jones is right. There are some spooky similarities between you and Cho Seung-Hui. In the interest of the truth you like to sermonize about, you should post those old photos of you pointing your gun at the camera side-by-side with some of the photos that Cho sent to NBC. You know, for comparison. G'day, mates! Anybody out there (besides my friend Wayne Chery) pick up on the crazy similarities between myself and Virginia Tech shooter Cho Seung-hu? 1. We've both posed for pictures brandishing a weapon. 2. We both are socially retarded. 3. We like to smugly rail against hedonism and see ourselves as morally superior to our peers. 4. We¹re both attention-craving morons with persecution complexes. The list goes on, but I have porners to disparage and I need to take a wank break and relive my childhood wallaby rape. >>I don't think the time is right. It could be misunderstood. Then you are, as I have long believed, a punk and a hypocrite. Please don’t ever moralize about “the truth” ever again. April 25, 2007 I talk to Rob Spallone Wednesday morning. Rob: "I wasn't too pleased with [Paul Fishbein's] response. He finally got back to me. He said, 'Why are you hanging out with Luke? He's bad news.' "I said, 'I like Luke. Your guy was the one drinking and pushing somebody around the parking lot.' "He said, 'Well, Rob, I don't have time for this. I'm busy.' "I said, 'That's not the point.' "You have a lawsuit. And it's against AVN. I already spoke to my lawyer. "Fishbein blew it right off."
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