Dear Penthouse Forum:

You wouldn't believe what happened to me today.

First, let me tell you about myself. I stand 6' tall. I weigh 160 pounds. I have short brown hair. I look like a young Robert Redford.

When I was a senior in highschool, I was the Editor of the student paper. But while covering softball and detention, I dreamed that the day would come when I could apply my journalistic talents to getting inside beautiful young women.

Meanwhile I dreamed about this Indian woman who taught sex-ed. I wanted to take her into my teepee and make her my squaw, even though this was not God's plan for my sexuality.

I also spent many nights dreaming about my busty blonde seventh grade teacher (and mother of two of my friends), the sexiest woman I've ever known.

So, yeah, I'm a big wanker.

I had no idea that one day my dreams would come true.

I've been out of sorts for the past few months. Tendonitis in my elbows, fatigue in my muscles, depression in my head.

I battled through my disabilities Thursday morning and called my bud Terri Redor and asked what was up.

He painted a thrilling picture of the day's events at Webmaster Access. The panels sounded taut but pert and they drew me deep deep inside as they arched their back to receive me.

Grabbing a copy of John Updike's new novel Terrorist and CDs of Jon Stewart's America: A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction, I strapped myself into my chariot and, after turning the ignition 20 times, got the engine to turn over.

I was so excited that I began heading in the opposite direction of Universal City and by the time I had my emotions under control, I was on the 10 East..

I could feel the sputtering power of my van's 12 cylinders on my legs and it made me very very excited.

I dreamed that I was going towards a better world, a place of lavish satisfactions. Sure, the women at Webmaster Access would not be virgins, but quantity has a quality of its own.

The $14 valet parking price took the edge of my excitement and I wandered in the wilderness of the Universal Sheraton for 40 minutes until I left my self-defeating tendencies behind me.

Pornographers were the dominant group at the hotel.

With my fringes tucked in and my hair cut short Travis Bickle-style, I went deep under cover.

"I like your haircut," said Maja Lee (unfortunately she was not in her Pocahontas outfit). "It slims your face."

Shame I couldn't say the same thing about my lithium dosage.

The crowd was overwhelmingly white males. That's not hot.

About one person in 50 dressed up, including blue-eyed red-headed Pamela, who bought DVDsforabuck.com from Dave Koenig about a year ago.

She hung out with programmer Brandon Shalton.

I heard that Gonzo took out a second mortgage to buy Oprano.com from Serge Birbrair and Mike AI. Shame few people go there anymore.

Mike recently paid $1.3 million for camera.com.

It seemed that most conference attendees were staying in their rooms recovering from partying last night.

It seemed that most people came to Webmaster Access "to get f---ed up." Few conversations were about business.

Last night during poker, there was a fight over a racial remark. "It's the first time I've seen violence in my eight years coming to these shows," said a porner.

From GFY:

Ramos was drunk and talking his usual s--- playing poker. Someone I don't know got fed up with it. Ramos got punched. He got knocked down to the ground. While on the floor laying there (fully conscious) the guy that laid him out tried to stomp him but people were holding him back and pulled him away and walked him out of the poker room.

At the last Internext in Vegas, most of the important people did business in their suites or hung out at the Circle Bar. This year there will be a big bar in the middle of the show floor.

I ran into my friend Tara, who's depressed that she can't get a ticket to the Playboy mansion Friday night.

"I thought Tara was your friend?" said another friend later.

I ran into Stephanie Swift and her boyfriend Stefan (they will be together seven years in April). They now live in San Diego. She finds herself coughing when she's back in L.A.

They take a couple of classes online. She dances on the road a couple of weekends a month.

She has always been religious. When she goes to church, she's often greeted by her porn name, including by pastors. Nobody gives her a hard time. It must be her quiet demeanor. She's an outsider wherever she goes.

She does a couple of porn movies a month.

I thought about dark hands reaching into my private places and meditated on pages 45-46 of Terrorist:

The majority of security personnel were recruited from the minorities, and many women, especially older women, recoiled from the intrusion of black or brown fingers into their purses.

A shaggy brown-haired bloke on the newbies panel said: "I'm old school. I make sure that all the links work on my paysite."

Is that the definition of old school? One who adheres to traditional values?

I'm told that Shanes World lost so much content due to the 2257 regulations that they had to combine their two paysites into one.

After attorney Michael W. Fattorosi issued dire warnings on the porn star panel, moderator Terri Redor said, "I knew that after listening to you we'd end up broke, in prison, and diseased."

Even porn stars such as Kayla Quinn were not immune from the American disease of trying to impress people with the number of hours they work.

Angie Savage looked stunning. I didn't recognize her without her tattoos (they were covered up by her clothing).

She had blond hair and big tits and a flashing smile and a breathy voice and numerous other traits worthy of a letter to Penthouse Forum.

Crissy Moran sent a lot of emails to Angie during her journey to Jesus (said Angie's husband Devon). When Miss Savage wouldn't join her journey, Moran moved out of porn and left the godless infidels behind.

"Have you seen any evidence of organized crime involvement during your time at KBeech?" I asked D$.

He wasn't sure what to say. I guess he's locked away in a small rubber room where he can't hurt himself while running the online program.

His brother Kevin works the crowd for his new hottub and processing company PureVanilla.

(I know this is Penthouse Letters format is a lame way to report on Thursday's Webmaster Access but the thing was so damn boring, I have no choice in expressing my feelings -- aside from choreographing an interpretative dance -- but to amp up my writing.)

Several people talked to me about Playboy buying AVN.

I've created a monster.

My source at Playboy Online said that the first he heard of this was from me.

I'm not queer or anything, but Tom Hymes exuded vitality (and that cheered me up). He was the glad-handing face of XBiz.

Young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.

"I'm a nice guy," a porner told me. "Anybody can screw me once. You, you can screw me as much as you like because I don't take your website seriously."

On my drive home, I passed the apartment of a porn star I dated two years ago (Hayley Rivers). I couldn't handle her past and whined about it on my site for weeks.

In the end, she couldn't handle her present with me and blew me off.

7:30 p.m. Kendra Jade calls. "I'm just calling to share feelings," she says.

"I'm eating my dinner. My -- made me soup."

"How does your -- feel about you having porn stars calling you in the middle of the night?"

Heather Veitch comes on the line. "Kendra and I are chillin'."