Holly Randall Throws Me A 40th Birthday Party
Derrick Pierce, Lexxi Tyler Lexxi, Eric Mittleman Derrick, Lexxi Lexxi, Justin Levine Lexxi, Justin Heather Veitch of JCsGirls Martina Warren Martina Warren Martina Warren Martina, Luke Y. Thompson Martina, Luke Y. Thompson Martina, Luke Y. Thompson Heather Veitch, Steve Aria Giovanni, Luke Thompson Aria Giovanni, Luke Y. Thompson Aria, Justin Aria, Luke Thompson Aria, Justin Crystal Klein, Adam Grayson Crystal, Adam Shay Laren, Crissy Klein Shay, Crissy Jamie Lynn and her mom Lisa Lisa, Jamie Penthouse girls Penthouse girls Penthouse girls Penthouse girls Crystal Klein, Luke Crystal Klein, Luke Crissy, Luke Crissy, Holly bring out my birthday cake, Holly tries in vain to keep the 40 candles from blowing out Justin, Crissy, Holly Crissy, Holly Lexxi, Luke Lexxi, Luke, Rich (Crystal's fiance) Lexxi, Luke, Rich Lexxi, Luke Shay Laren Shay Laren Crystal Klein, Shay Laren Shay Laren Crystal, Shay Shay Shay Crystal, Shay smoke Shay Laren smokes Lexxi, Luke Crystal, Shay Crystal Crystal, Shay Crystal, Shay Crystal, Shay Crystal, Shay Holly Randall, Derrick Pierce Holly in her garden Holly and her sister Lucy Luke Luke Thompson, Justin Levine Derrick Pierce, Lexxi Tyler Crystal Klein, Martina Warren Derrick, Lexxi, Luke Luke, Crystal Klein Martina Warren Charlie Lain, Onyx gang Justine Jolie, DCypher gang Luke Luke Luke Jamie Lynn, Charlie Laine Martina, Lisa, Shay, Crissy Lexxi, Luke Shay Laren Luke Holly Randall pic pic More Pics From Holly
A few days ago, Holly invited me to a barbeque at her home May 29. I said I had another barbie then but I could definitely stop by.
She asked me if I was committing to stopping by. I said yes.
The next day, she told me to invite Kendra Jade and another porn girl. I did.
She told me to invite Joanna Angel. I did.
(Neither Kendra nor Joanna showed.)
She told me to invite a couple (or did she say a "few"?) friends.
I thought I was noticing a trend and so I invited over a dozen friends. That was my way of showing my gratitude and making the event splendid.
I gave Holly a panic attack. She had wanted to keep things small yet I had seemingly invited everybody, including a few people who hate me (I was trying to patch things up with a good will gesture).
Holly has a huge heart. She's generous with her money and time. She often feels generous impulses and offers to do things that she later regrets or forgets.
By not checking with her about how many people I was inviting (I did the same thing at a dinner Sunday night, telling my host and restaurant a dozen when 16 showed and another four were invited), I imposed on her.
To appreciate that this is a big deal, remember Holly was throwing this party at her own home. How'd you like a bunch of strangers tramping around your house and possibly stealing and damaging things and dropping cigarette butts throughout the garden?
Remember that Holly usually lives by herself. Over the past couple of weeks, she's added about six houseguests.
Remember that Holly runs the Suze Randall business.
Remember that Holly quit drinking (completely) three months ago yet she'd be providing plenty of booze at the party for anyone who wanted it.
Now you can appreciate how Holly felt when I started naming off the people I invited.
Well, I arrived at 3:15 p.m. Monday. A few of my friends were already there (Luke Y. Thompson, Heather Veitch and friend Steve, as well Eric Mittleman).
Thompson gave me the Air Supply: The Ultimate Performance DVD which I insist on playing immediately to the dismay of Holly, her brother Rob and company.
After 20 minutes, somebody turns up Sting loud in the dining room and I eject my DVD.
My friend Cathy told me she wouldn't come to the party because it sounded too "porny." So I keep asking Luke if the party is too "porny" for him. He says, "You can't get too porny for me."
I'm joined by DCypher (who's come to all my parties, both of them) and his girlfriend Justine Jolie, Ben Sullivan, Justin Levine, Lexxi Tyler and boyfriend Derrick Pierce, Adam Grayson, Mike Allen...
Heather's breasts aren't bigger. I'm just not used to seeing her in a tube top. Normally we go to church or synagogue together and she dresses conservatively (at my request).
She wants a new boob job. And a tummy tuck.
I noticed some models avoiding her but nobody was mean to her.
At temple, Heather was surprised that Jewish guys seemed even more eager for her once they knew she was not Jewish. "I can't imagine going to church and after telling someone that I was not Christian, they would go, 'Really? I love forbidden fruit.'"
On his Playboy radio show (DVD reviews), Adam Grayson is not allowed to review gay porn because he's told that his audience is overwhelmingly heterosexual.
Adam says he's widely regarded as "the world's most polite pornographer."
Joey Silvera says I'm the most honest photographer in the business. I capture how the girls really look. If they look good despite my photography, then he's eager to book them.
Joey's been enjoying my site for about as long as it's been up (since 1997-98).
Martina Warren and her husband launched pornvalleycash.com two weeks ago. Her husband concentrates on the photography and marketing and Martina does the html (despite never have picked up a book on the topic nor taken a class, she says).
Luke: "How do you get girls [to do their sites with you]?"
Martina: "It helps being Pet of the Year (2005). A lot of girls look up to you and want to be like you. Most of them contact me through MySpace. I have almost 11,000 MySpace friends. I've only been MySpaceing for about five months.
"I had a dream that I got booted from MySpace. I woke up in the morning and wondered if it was a dream or not, so I logged in to MySpace.
"I've been modeling since I was three. When I was 16, a friend built me a porfolio website online. I felt bad asking him to put new pictures on, so I just though I'd do it myself. I learned from watching him."
Holly was a generous host. She prepared food specially suited for my finicky tastes. It was delicious. She bought me a cake with name on it. She gave me a kettle and a wooden box with 80 herbal tea bags.
How did she know what I wanted most?
(Sunday night, May 28, Holly told me: "My problem in finding a gift for most people I know is what do you get for the person who has everything. My problem with you is what do I get for the person who has nothing.")
She'd gotten up at 7:30 a.m. to continue her preparations for the party.
I contributed nothing but my charisma and my friends. She brought in about 30 of her people.
Holly seemed exhausted all afternoon but she maintained a kind and giving spirit.
If I did not invite you to this party, please forgive me, but as you have read by now, I far exceeded my limits on my guests (many of whom could not make it to the party because of a fuel tanker spill on the 405 South). Though Holly may appear insatiable and divine, her boundaries and abilities are of this world.
I emailed Lainie Speiser, Penthouse publicist, to send her girls and she did all that and more -- Jamie Lynn (2006 Penthouse Pet of the Year who brought her mom Lisa), Martina Warren (2005 POY), and Charlie Laine.
I tell friends that I asked Holly the other night if I could buy her a drink.
"No," she said. "Alcohol is not good for my legs."
"Why? It makes them swell?" I ask.
"No," she replies. "It makes them spread."
After a few cups of water, I talk about watching United 93 earlier in the day and how it had moved me to want to lead my country in a time of crisis. I want to be the guy in the military control room wearing a uniform and yelling, "Scramble the fighters! Get me the president! I want every flight path!"
I went to the movie with a 17yo girl (and her mom) who was at my book party in August 2004. "How's that nice director?" the girl asks me about Ron Sullivan.
"He had ten hours of colon cancer surgery," I reply.
"Is that because he did too many anal scenes?" she asks.
Shay Laren, Holly and company said that on a hijacked airplane, I'd likely be the guy locking himself in the restroom and sobbing into the phone to his mother, "I love you so much."
They don't see me as the "Let's roll" type of guy.
I want to be the alpha male but I don't want to work at it.
Though she suffers from intermittent PMS depression, Holly the Superwoman maintains a stiff upper lip British-style and does not like to admit she ever needs help (she's more resistant to needing someone than I am and I was raised in outback Australia by Aboriginees). She won't take psychiatric medication and she won't listen to Air Supply. Sunday, however, she fed her dog Poe doggie downers prescribed by the vet. Without such medication, Poe would've created a ruckus, if not bitten people. Under the medication, Poe moped around, his limbs shaking. In a triumph of will over pharmacology, Poe was still too much trouble for a while and Holly had to lock him upstairs.
HollyRandall: you made it sound like a mean dog owner
HollyRandall: the reason i locked him upstairs was because of Kelle's
baby
HollyRandall: i doubt he would have done anything but i don't need to
take chances-- Poe isn't used to children
HollyRandall: he was happy to eat scraps and get petted by everyone
HollyRandall: his leg shakes because of that stupid operation that didn't
work
Shay Laren says, "You smile more than I expected. When you interviewed me, I thought you were a grouch. You were so condescending."
We had a lousy telephone interview a month ago. Shay was hungover. I could barely stay awake.
Shay: "I thought you were making fun of me."
Crystal: "That is how he is."
Shay: "I'd say something and you'd go [in a bored voice], 'Huh huh.' I know I wasn't interesting. It was in the morning. I was in the airport. There was this little girl crawling around beside me.
"Lainie called me and said I was going to be interviewed for Penthouse. I thought it'd be some random dude, 'What's your wildest sexual experience?' You always lie about those questions."
Crystal: "Lainie said to me, what are we going to do? Get him drunk. But you don't understand that.
"I'm going to be such a good psycho-therapist. I read you instantly."
Shay: "I could definitely tell you were a grump. You're Jewish, so you do need therapy."
Crystal sits on my lap while smoking her cigarette and drinking her beer.
Shay: "You're better looking than I expected."
Holly walks up.
Luke: "What's the matter, honey? Show me on the bottle where it hurts."
Holly: "Enough with your psychobabble."
Much of the table (Crystal, Rich, Shay etc) is smoking pot and drinking beer.
Luke: "Holly, the sausages are great."
Holly: "You'd love them. They're pork wrapped in bacon."
Luke: "How disrespectful can you get to my religious heritage?"
Holly: "I can get way more disrespectful."
Shay has an amazing complexion.
I roll my eyes as Shay praises Holly.
Luke: "Come on. You felt exploited and degraded."
I'm shouted down.
Holly: "Speaking of exploited and degraded, do you want your cake?"
Rich: "With 40 fricking candles on it?"
Aria Giovanni (who's shy and subdued) is Holly's right-hand man preparing for the party and cleaning up afterwards. Aria's a regular Martha Stewart.
Shay: "I hate it that people such as yourself call it porn."
Laren's worked four weeks straight. "I hate working for [a photographer] who's low-energy because it brings you down. Photographers who are uncomfortable with what they're doing. They'd rather be doing mainstream stuff and they hate it and it's so obvious."
Shay, 20: "Look at Rich (39yo). He looks 15. You look way older [because I wear a dress shirt and carry myself with dignity]."
The ladies make remarks disparaging my masculinity.
Luke: "If you put on Air Supply, I'll be as hard as a rock."
Shay: "Let's not put it on."
I promise Shay and Crissy that if they follow me, I'll make them fishers of men.
Luke Thompson: "Can you make me a fisher of women?"
Holly: "No, he can't help you with that."
Crissy complains about my photography.
Luke: "I capture the real you. I capture what Rich wakes up to in the morning."
Crissy: "I want the fantasy."
Luke: "I live in truth."
Holly's webmaster walks up with his gorgeous wife. "I'm trying to go Hollywood dirty boy," he says, "but it's not working."
Shay and Crissy claim that their Hawaiin male friends relate to them as human beings rather than as sexual objects.
Crissy: "Not like you, Luke. You bring it up all the time. You have a big porn collection in your garage."
Derrick: "Living in a garage. That must be your choice."
Luke: "I don't have much money because I don't work for other people. I want to pursue the truth."
Derrick: "Don't try to sound noble. You chose to live in a garage. You could do better and you chose not to. Just because you blog or write, you're still published in an Adult venue."
Lexxi: "And yet you're against Adult."
Luke: "I am not in porn. I am just a social commentator."
Crissy: "What barbeque are you at today? I want to understand why you chose to write about a business you claim to hate. In some way, you love it."
Shay: "He does. If you honestly hated it, you wouldn't be here."
Luke: "I choose to tackle pressing issues that confront our society."
Lexxi: "It's all about the free porn he gets and then goes and whacks off in his garage and denies it. He's a closet freak."
Derrick: "But not for more than half an hour."
Earlier in the day, I told Derrick that anyone who wanked to porn for more than half an hour a day had a problem.
Derrick: "If you whack off for more than half an hour, you're destroying society."
All limits are arbitrary. Drive 56mph in some places and you can get a ticket.
Shay: "Why is porn a pressing issue confronting society?"
Luke: "It weakens the family structure. It creates unrealistic expectations in men what a woman can provide sexually."
Crissy: "Sex is very out and open in Europe and they have less percentages of rape than the US and lower rates of teenage pregnancy."
Luke: "Europeans who move to the United States and their descendents have about the same rate of teenage pregnancy as do their relations who live in Europe. Certain ethnic groups which have a higher percentage in the US [such as blacks] have high illegitimacy rates.
"Europe is not a good moral example. The United States had to rescue them three times in the past century, from World War I, II and communism. That the U.S. is such a great moral force in the world is not unrelated to America's more conservative sexual ethic."
Crissy: "You are very intolerant."
Woman: "You have multiple personalities."
Crissy: "Who are you celebrating with? Porn stars. You are against everything we do."
Shay: "That's a contradiction."
Crissy: "If you look at his site, he's making fun of us. There will always be a line in there that is very sarcastic and expresses your contempt."
Woman: "That is what gossip columnists do."
I ask Shay about feminism but then she runs off to play the card game "Asshole."
Crissy says women have the power in porn.
Derrick: "I don't believe that anymore. To get a good scene, you have to get a good performance from the guy. If the girl is good and the guy is weak, it's a weak scene. If the girl is weak and the guy is strong, it's a strong scene. Everything relies on the male talent. If I don't do my job correctly, no matter how good you are, you are not going to look good."
Holly says that the men in porn are like Mexicans in the US. They do most of the hard work yet few people appreciate them.
Derrick: "If people are not sexually compatible, what are they? Friends. The difference between your best friend and your partner is that you have sex with your partner."
Shay's jealous at the number of longtime friends men have. "I'd rather have longterm [few] friends than lots of acquaintances. I hate it when you can't talk to someone on a real basis. Crystal is the only person on Maui I can call and say [the truth]."
I ask the table if men and women can be friends without one person wanting more.
Crissy Klein recalls the number of male friends she's had who she thought were only platonic friends until they made a move on her and when she rebuffed them, that ended the friendship.
Shay says men and women can be friends if they've had sex and become sick of having sex with each other.
Derrick claims he's friends with every girl he's dated.
Lexxi, a size two, says that his ex-girlfriends "shop at Layne-Bryant."
She menas that they are hefty.
Derrick: "She's the smallest girl I've dated.
"I wouldn't say they were hefty."
Lexxi: "I would. All of them, honey."
Derrick: "I dated them more for their personality."
When Lexxi's told she can't do something, she's liable to say: "I'm Lexxi Tyler. I can do whatever the f--- I want."
I leave at 8 p.m. as the nasty drinking games begin and guys persuade Holly to the table.
These are her friends? Let me flee before I kill them.
I despise the large number (the majority?) of Holly's putative friends who push her to drink and do drugs.
I despise anyone who tries to feed an addict substances that will destroy her.
I hate you. I loathe you. I spit on you.
Yes, I mean you, you very specific persons who push Holly (or anybody) to get drunk and get high. I hope you get run over by a truck. And then I pray to God that you burn in hell.
You are scum. You want to destroy your own pathetic lives? Go ahead. Don't take others with you. Drink your booze, do your drugs, and die.
There are so many horrible things that happen from drinking (the 15,000 or so road deaths a year alone) that I am ambivalent about whether or not America would be a better country with prohibition.
At least addicts to porn don't go out and murder.
Holly emails me:
I'm sorry I didn't have more time to talk to you or your friends (or anybody!) but I get like that when I'm hosting a party. It's like I go into work mode. Anyhow it was a good party and I'm glad I could feed you something you could eat.
I was using Aria's camera -- I get a new one probably Wednesday. I forget which one but I just told my ex at Samys to send me the best new digital point and shoot, so hopefully this one will take better pics.
And don't be too hard on my brother's friends enticing me into a drinking game -- they were wasted themselves and hadn't realized I'd stopped drinking (remember I kept it quiet). Once I explained that I really had quit and I wasn't joking, they felt bad and let me go. Thankfully we all got to bed at a decent time.
Cindi Loftus emails: "Luke, You look very happy in those pics. You also look very hot! Lack of lithium seems to agree with you, physically a least, lol. It was so nice of Holly to throw you a party. I hope you show her the appreciation she deserves. She's really a wonderful person, and will make a wonderful mother to your children some day!"
Chaim Amalek writes: "Sigh . . . Holly is such a sweetheart. She cooks for you, arranges parties for you, buys you things, smiles a lot, and is oh so cheerful and very very pretty. I still say the two of you were meant to be."
Pete writes:
Young Ms. Randall went all out. I ended up marrying the only woman to go to that kind of length for a birthday of mine. Your photos of Holly at the party are great. She may have been exhausted but she seems to glow when you photograph her. Maybe it's your lighting.
