Rob Spallone's Beauties

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6/2/05

Rob often employs ugly women in his movies because he gets them cheaper. Sometimes they weigh over 400 pounds.

Today I called Rob and asked him about his talent for that day's shoot of old women with young women. He said he had a beautiful blonde on set. She was a lawyer.

I made the 45-minute drive. I meet Rob's gorgeous blonde -- Angelica, a 44-year old legal secretary. My journey is suddenly worthwhile. Everything I've been through is worth it now that I get to hang out with Rob's girls.

I spot a big bottle of Jack Daniels in the trash.

I ask Brian if he normally drinks Jack for breakfast.

"We normally have Coco Puffs and Kalua," he says.

Someone close to Cytherea's husband Brian has a license to get medical marijuana for tummy upsets. Here's a picture of legally-sold marijuana peanut butter and jelly.

JMT writes: "I realize that Rob is your goombah, but isn't it time you start looking into what he's doing? Judging by the on-the-set photos you regularly publish, 90+ percent of his output features performers so markedly unattractive that the resulting scenes must surely be unsaleable, even for bottom-of-the-barrel compilation tapes and the like. How can this possibly be an above-the-boards business enterprise?"

I think it is all a cover for something more sinister.

Rob calls. He points out that he's been making movies for a decade and they've sold in the thousands of copies and that many production companies have paid him tens of thousands of dollars to make movies for them, so he must know what he is doing.

As I walk in, Rob's giving some of his vintage Roy Karch stories. Roy flew Cytherea's mother in the for the weekend. It was a disaster. They hated each other.

Rob wants to shoot the first scene on the filthy dog mat.

Charlotte Lee has done about 20 movies in her ten months in the industry.

On Memorial Day, Brian walked in and found his wife getting a tattoo on her back, and Serena Marcus and Amber Peach going at it with strap-ons, while they all watched a bestiality DVD.

Brian: "What do you call a black man who flies an airplane?"

Long pause.

Brian: "A pilot, you f---ing racist."

Ron wants to come to the XRCO tonight in Brian's rented hummer limo. "You can't bring Delores [Ron's wife]," says Brian. "No black people."

Angelica's shivering in her lingerie.

"Do you know what makes you warm?" Brian offers. "Sucking dick."

Duke: "Who was starring in the bestiality DVD?"

Brian: "A German girl. And a horse. If it's not a horse, what's the point?"

Beats me.

Ron Sullivan recalls the softball game Bill Margold organized on the Saturday four days after 9/11. Bill insisted that the game go ahead.

"Yeah," said Brian, "because the porno stars were so torn up by 9/11."

About five people showed up to watch. Ron Sullivan was the umpire. Janine Lindemulder was the pitcher and catcher. "She's great athlete," says Ron. "She has more tattoos than Ryan Knox."

Angelica complains she's cold.

Ron invites her to snuggle with him.

"Will you tell me dirty bedtime stories?" she asks.

Ron cuddles with her. "Did I tell you about the time we tied up momma bear?" he begins.

Brian says he's quit quitting -- drugs, alcohol, etc. If he ever feels like he's about to quit, he calls a friend in his support group and they immediately come over and smoke the good bud with him.

"At my low point, I had a nice house and cars, but eversince I quit quitting, it's all gone."

I say I hope I have as much hair as Ron when I'm his age.

"I hope I'm vertical when I'm his age," says Brian.

Ron tells Angelica: "Little Red Riding Hood is a crack whore, but a nice one."

Ryan Knox plays bass for an indie rock band called The Amateurs at a club called The Echo on Sunset Blvd in Silver Lake.

I look over Rob's writing:

He spells Ryan Knoxx as "rion knots."

Charlotte is "charlet."

The Lamplighter is "lamplitter."

D.Wise is "D.Wice."

Celestia Starr is "salstastor."

Brooklin Nights is "Broklin Hight."

Serena Marcus walks in carrying a 40-ounce Bud Light in a brown paper bag. It's 11am.

She puts it on the floor when I try to take a picture of her with it. Later she pours some of it into a mug and claims it's tea.

Brian says he's kicking Kimmy out of the house today. "She can go live with someone else and not clean their house."

Charlotte tells photographer Bill Diehl that she has to go get her cigarettes.

"They're in your back pocket, sweetheart," he points out.

Cythera tells Brian that she doesn't have the heart to kick Kimmy out. "I can yell at her, but I can't kick her out."

Cytherea walks around without a top because her new tattoo hurts her.

Dressed in bikinis, Serena and Cytherea make a run to get fast food from Wendy's and gasoline. Serena is not the best driver, so I back her SUV out and turn it around. It makes me feel like a man. "A testosterone-builder," notes Brian.

Serena didn't realize that she's booked (like four other girls today) to do two separate scenes (a girl-girl and a BJ) for a sum total of $400.

"If you've got a problem with that," says Kenny Carolina, the production manager, "call Rob right now."

Serena agrees to go ahead and do the scenes. She just wants them done quickly.

Ryan Knox is unable to deliver a proper money shot. Brian steps in and pops within two minutes. Cytherea is proud of him.

D.Wise says, "I used to be Brian's favorite black guy."

What happened?

Brian: "I bought a new one."

Who's your new favorite black guy?

"Mr. Pete."

Cytherea's furious. Dick Delaware broke her bong. It's the second time her bong's been broken. She deplores the low state of morality and personal responsibility in our society that allows people to carelessly break other people's bongs. What kind of world do we want to create for our children?

Why invest money in a high-quality bong when some careless pea-brained porner is gonna bust it? Why delay gratification now for a better tomorrow that never arrives?

Friends don't let friends break others' bongs without making reparation.

As I leave, I heard Brooklin Nights tell D.Wise that she's qualified for an apartment in Chatsworth.