Tuesday, August 31st, 1999
Craig Vasiloff of www.fantasticonline.com writes: We've shot Serenity and Samantha Style as part of the Rog top 20 performers spread in the new XXXgen. Shooting this week are Stryc-9 and Tiffany Minx.
Luke F-rd Fan Club Get Together
Luke wants all his fans to meet each other. Perhaps we should get together at the Taco Bell on Beverly Blvd near La Cienega or Poquito Mas at Westwood and Olympic? We could burn Mike Alpo in effigy. No admission charge and I am not paying for anyone's food or drink. I'll bring my gun.
Nice Jewish Girl says: "You love guns, you're anti-choice and you f--- millions of girls. But I still love you. And we should still get married.
"You find all these innocent Jewish chicks and you f--- them. You don't care about them at all. But they care about you. They'll be dykes in a few years because of you.
"You're not marriage material. You're Larry Flynt material. I've cried a river of tears over you.
"NJG: look you, you left me I don't think that was very nice NJG: I'm having separation anxiety right now. I wouldn't do this to you. Luzdedos1: sorry NJG: luke :) NJG: I feel better now :) NJG: I'm reading "frustrated feminist german bitch" NJG: she's really cool Luzdedos1: lol NJG: I just saw her picture NJG: she's ok looking NJG: it's part of the male bashers ring NJG: you ought to look at this stuff Luzdedos1: :) NJG: lol NJG: at mensuck.org "The Man Show" hosted by the ambiguously gay Jimmy Kimmel, and Adam Corolla, MTV's least attractive male" NJG: I LOVE that and I would agreet Luzdedos1: :) NJG: just found something really funny at Guy Haters Anonymous, if you were to kill a male how would you do it? (26 respondents) 15% said Poison, 23% said Explosion, and a whopping 62% said TORTURE."
Jeremy Steel Dishes
Porner Jeremy Steel phoned Monday afternoon.
Jeremy: "I'm pursuing the music business. I've been playing guitar for 20 years. I'll be 31 next month. I've got a good contact in the music industry, Malina Moye. Meanwhile, I'm going through hell with my finances. I spent $1200 in the last month and now the engine is shot. So now I'm devastated right now.
"Plus my ex Eden Rae has done some evil s---. I got my dad to send $7000 to save her life for surgery. And she gave her word that she would pay him back and she's not. That should have nothing to do with us breaking up. She's breaking her word to my dad and he's holding that against me. And it's gotten bad between my dad and I with that stuff. Meanwhile, she was whoring herself to various businessmen...
"She's worked under a false ID. I might as well let all this s--- be know because I am pissed off. All the videos she's ever done were under a false ID. Her real name is Jasmine Grecinger."
Luke: "Did she really get all those degrees?"
Jeremy: "No. She's a pathological liar. She's insane and evil. I got caught up with her because I was going through a lot of bulls--- being victimized with the World Modeling rumors and s--- like that. I was at my wits end when I met her and I was looking for an escape. And she made a lot of nice boasts how she had a yacht, and she was working all the time as a feature dancer travelling around the country and making all this money... So I ended up traveling with her. She told me that she had terminal cancer so I got a soft spot emotionally with her.
"She's still around. She's fine. She did need an operation... I begged and pleaded for her operation and she ain't going to pay it back... And my dad's holding me accountable and I'm making nothing right now."
Luke: "What was her operation for?"
Jeremy: "She had a prolapsed uterus because she supposedly had cancer. She definitely had an operation because she had a big scar above her pubic area. I don't know if that was a Caesarean but she said it was cancer. It did look like she was pregnant at one point because her internal organs were all pushing forward.
"She was doing a lot of drugs and that is what got her back into better looking shape. She's been a speed freak... If you do speed, you don't have an appetite. I was doing that stuff with her too. I was doing coke, speed... During 1997-98.
"I finally got her out of the house in February, 1999. I was in jail because of her. I was arrested for abuse and she was grabbing me. She tried to grab my nuts. She did once sort of. She swung towards my balls. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. I said shut the hell up. Anyway, the cops came... January 13th...
"Around November of 1997, she had discharged a firearm when I lived on Whitley Street in Hollywood. I have the bullet holes to prove it... I lived there for five years and I had to leave because of her. I was on good terms with the manager...
"It's hard enough for a guy to make a living. This business is the most exploitative business. It infuriates me. You have acknowledged that this makes more money than mainstream and music combined [LF: I don't think this is true], and it costs more money to rent or buy a porno... More than Titanic which cost hundreds of millions of dollars... The lead actors got millions each.
"We're told there is a budget. We're risking our lives. I've done over 130 scenes now. And where am I right now? I'm f---ing struggling to survive.
Xtreme Pro Wrestling
By Doe138: Xtreme Pro Wrestling, the new indy in California run by porn industry name Rob Black, ran their second and third shows on 8/27 in Reseda, CA and 8/28 in San Bernardino.
Damien Steel faced the former Big Dick Dudley (now just Big Dick, as what else would you expect from this group?) in a cage match in Reseda. Steel had Nicole Bass in his corner as his bodyguard. Bass got a huge pop for her appearance. Dick had Jasmine St. Clair with him, but she turned on him to help Steel win. Missy Hyatt made an appearance in part of a bizarre angle between "Mr. 80's" Dynamite D (who may be best remembered as one of the names on those Slammers Gym shows) and "White Trash" Jimmy Webb. D was doing this gimmick that he wanted wrestling to go back to the way it was in the 80's. That would make him a babyface with me.
Webb said that since this is the 90's, everything should be hardcore, so he had hired a manager who would help him become hardcore. He then brought out Hyatt, who had brown hair and a kendo stick with her. After Webb won, he cut a promo with the kendo stick while smoking a cigarette and having Hyatt with him. Wonder what imagery they were going for there.
Webb, by the way, wore a shirt that said "Welfare Check", patterned after the Roddy Piper "Reality Check" shirt, which I thought sounded pretty funny. Jake Lawless worked both the Reseda and San Bernardino shows. Main event in San Bernardino was a five-way match that ended in a no-contest. Among the participants was All-Pro workers Donovan Morgan and Michael Modest. There's something humorous about Modest working for a promotion that kicked out Dan Farren because the boys wouldn't respect him for exposing the business.
Charley Crowe
From Luke F-rd Wire Services, Ltd.:
Pinionated? Not only are reports of porno artiste Charles “Charley Crow” Pinion’s death greatly exaggerated--but a l-keford.com investigation found the same to be true of the former Al Goldstein functionary’s life as well.
Wrote Pinion’s admiring AlGoCo colleague and partner in slime David Aaron Clark in the zine “Chemical Imbalance”,Vol. 2, #2 [circa 1989]: “Charles Pinion has that snake-like beauty that often seems to befall serious film-artistes, but instead of spending all his time preening in front of some invisible mirror, Pinion turns out to be the kind of semi-slovenly, unpropossessing gump you might easily pass on the street, unless you were the kind of gal or guy who just might be hypnotized by his Manson-like sex radiation.
"Older than he looks--but not much--this 32-year-old former Air Force brat weaned his sensibilities on the conflicting values of the Gainesville, Florida scene, replete with its pissed-off punk rockers nestled in lazy Southern gothic decay. He sang for local heroes Psychic Violence and went to art school for painting and printmaking, never suspecting the cinemah [sic] was his future.
"By the fall of 1987, after graduating past a teaching gig and a failed marriage, Pinion decided to pack it up and head for the big city up north, but before leaving he cranked out a full-length movie shot on video. ‘Twisted Issues’ explodes the narrative of a splatter pic to document the drug-infested hardcore Gainesville skatepunk scene. Produced with his dad’s camcorder and virtually no budget, ‘Issues’ is wonderfully sickening, hilarious, disturbing--even intelligent!... ...’Twisted Issues’ garnered raves in High Times, Ecco, [now-defunct] Film Threat, and many lesser-known fanzines....”
The lesser-known--and formerly Harrisburg, Pennsylvania-based--fanzine ‘Sex and Guts’, Vol. 1, #1 [1996] features this appraisal of Charles Pinion’s ‘Twisted Issues’ [byline: Gene Suicide]: “...[now defunct] ‘Film Threat’ released Pinion’s atrocity back when they were going newsprint. One-half splatter film, one-half Gainesville punk documentary, ‘Twisted Issues’ is an amateurish exercise in tedium. Sloppy filmmaking is bad enough, but when the flick is boring to boot, the viewer is cheated out of precious hours that could have been more purposefully spent, like on beer and smoke. There have been some good things said about this video, but after suffering through it, this [re]viewer wondered if the respective critics were Pinion’s friends.
"Although his first effort could be termed ‘unwatchable’, he is not an untalented director: A certain gritty charm and flair for narrative continuity shows through every now and then. A lot of the blame can be placed on poor lighting, a miserable soundtrack, and a script that could’ve been written by a 14-year-old who chainsmokes Newports and babbles--seven nights a week at the local food court--about how ‘f---in’ rad’ the new Danzig video is.
"Who know? Maybe it was. Most of ‘Twisted Issues’ is so incoherent, so s---TY, the viewer will no doubt be stood up waiting for the plot to make an appearance. Instead, a barrage of TV clips, live punk band footage, and inaudible dialogue take the place of structure... If you live in Gainesville, skateboard, or are a totally indiscriminating gore freak, you may make it through the whole tape. If you are none of the above, ‘Sex and Guts’ sez: Avoid this videotape like the plague.”
Veronica Hart in LA Times
From the August 27 edition of the LA Times: Falling in love with celluloid images isn't a new concept in a city built on deception. In this case, it serves as a nominal conceit for Bayla Travis' play "The Dyke and the Porn Star" at Highways. This entertaining, randy piece of fluff lightly touches on lesbian politics while making fun of the artifice of porn flicks.
The power player is the femme lesbian porn queen, Tara (Veronica Hart, who has acted in and directed adult films). She asserts her needs while trying to deny her attraction to Chance. In her black-vinyl gear, there is nothing vulnerable about Tara. She exudes sexual confidence while Chance shivers with low self-esteem. Yet does Tara really want to be the dominatrix in this relationship? Is Chance's libido really raging for a celebrity lay? There is enough nudity to titillate as well as some simulated sexual acts, but Travis' focus is on finding a long-term bonding, between minds and then bodies. To this end, director Dora Arreola emphasizes the comedic qualities of the actors and the ridiculous dance toward love. This love story won't make you think, but it will make you laugh.
* * * * "The Dyke and the Porn Star," Highways, 1651 18th St., Santa Monica. Fridays-Sundays, 8:30 p.m. Ends Sept. 12. $18. Running time: 1 hour, 50 minutes.
Porn Chat
Choo writes: I was up at the Hollywood Bowl on Sunday for the JVC Jazz Festival, tickets won on the Wave. Anyway, it's always good to bring a date who doesn't mind going out with a guy who will not fork over the eight or so bucks to park in the lot. I think I parked off of Franklin. A good 6 or 7 blocks uphill to bowl. The cool thing about the bowl is you can bring your own drinks. Some people, however, cannot handle their booze. A married couple sitting behind me got stinking drunk, and they broke out into a fight, the husband pouring an entire bottle of wine ontop of his wife's head. It caused quite a stir.
Regarding that long Nici Sterling stuff, it is very funny in a dark sort of way. First person I thought of was John T Bone, when he made a feeble attempt to write for you. Look at the syntax and misspellings in those letters. Somehow, I feel the guy who wrote those letters is English. Not too many Englishmen in porn business.
l-keford: nici sterling says the emails about her doing dogs are faked
and hurtful to her
MS: BUlls--- they are fake
l-keford got any blow matt?
You should come to Tampa Luke...I'll get ya blown :)
JimGunn [to Roger Pipe] I didn't "whine", if you want to impugn their intergity go ahead, what are you saying I can't complain about what soemone write's about me without it reflecting on me?
JimGunn I didn't expect it Rog- actually I'm more surprised than you at the response I got. Although I'm not going to dwell on it unlike you who sees this as great dual amunition to both decry others as having less reviewing integrity than you and an added bonus of slapping me a bit fr busting your balls all the time.
JimGunn Hey everyone has their critcism about reviews, same when I bust you about slamming Max cause you don't like his pseudo-kiddie porn angle.
SellOut Luke, have you interviewed Ginger and Marilyn yet :-)
JimGunn Fantastic, shcmantastic- I jerked off to "The World According
to Ginger" in 1986 when I was 17 years old. Now, forget it.
RP:
What A Films?
JG: So what would you do Rog, sya nothing?
MikeSouth Luke says Nici dont want him to post the doggie pix....heheheh
Dick f---in Tracy
Alain- It's one small step for man, one giant leap for Nici's behind
Go-Go Blowjob Tape
Christopher Kalscheur writes : "Gene.... I heard that a videotape supposedly exists of the Bangles (or the Go-Gos - to be honest I don't remember which 80s girl band it was since they're now about as relevant as Luke F-rd) taking turns sucking some dude's cock. Any truth to that? I'd love to get a copy of that to join my Pam & Tommy video, Vince Neil & Janine, and Pam with Brett Micheals collection. Are there any other celebrity sex videos that you know about? Any ideas on where to look? Thanks for your time Gene, and as always I enjoyed today's column."
Gene sez: "If those tapes exist, someone would be cleaning up on them on the Internet."
l-keford.com, which has eyes and ears and proxy genitalia everywhere, responds: No prob, Kal. The video you seek has been in rotation ad nauseam ad infinitum on Al Goldstein's Midnight Blue [on paid-access public cable] since it The Go-Go-Roadie-Blowjob tape became available in the early Nineties. Also for sale by AlGoCo: The Rob Lowe Orgy Tape! Call Al Goldstein's Midnight Blue for prices at 212.989.8001. And be sure to tell 'em Luke sent you!
Another Bisexual Kennedy!
This story was scheduled to run in America’s third-most beloved tabloid...until a certain journo refused to relinquish his audiotapes! The tapes recently arrived at l-keford.com under circumstances that Luke would be happy to reveal under subpoena.
Now it can be told: Rory Kennedy, now-married daughter of slain Sen. Robert Kennedy, once locked loins and merged mucosae with Jane Fonda’s daughter Vanessa Vadim!
Their torrid, on-again-off-again romance dates back to their Ivy League years together at Brown University, where, according to members of Gotham’s cognitive elite, it was the worst-kept secret on campus.
Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island, from which the late bisexual John F. Kennedy Jr. graduated in 1983, is a famed hotbed of sexual experimentation (also attended by the late Sen. Robert Kennedy’s offspring Kerry and Douglas).
“Brown is environment notorious for its "four-year lesbians," or "lugs," which stands for "lesbian until graduation,” explained “Alyssa,” a succulently cerebral Brown graduate and writer with a non-unfamiliar byline. “Vanessa Vadim was already the reigning campus dyke when Rory Kennedy arrived in ‘87. As a women’s-studies major, Rory soon came under Vanessa’s spell. Before long both of them were them were members of the most outrageous, unabashed lesbian cliques.”
Vanessa Vadim’s notoriety was fueled by her Oct., ‘89 arrest while attempting a heroin buy with a fellow Brown student, who was nabbed with a hypodermic needle and, according to cops, “a substance supected to be heroin” in his possession. Cops also said Vadim was “abusive” and “interfered with the arrests.”
Vadim told the New York Post that she and her co-arrestee “were down from college doing a study on narcotics.”
Studious Vanessa Vadim is the seed of film director Roger Vadim-- whose 1968 sci-fi cine sexer Barbarella first showcased Jane Fonda’s nubile pods. Vanessa grew up in the controversy-steeped Oakland, Calfornia household of her stepfather, onetime radical and state legislator Toy Hayden, to whom Fonda was married before Ted Turner.
Vanessa was only one-and-a-half when she was taken to her first sit-in at Alcatraz. From here, the turbulent trail to Rory Kennedy’s clit was paved with activism on behalf of California grape-pickers, the no-nukes movement, anti-apartheid, and, circa 1988, queer rights.
Rory Kennedy was born six months after her father's televised assassination in 1968, grew up with an alcoholic mother, a passel of sex-addicted cousins including one suspected murderer among them, and lost one of her brothers, David, to a drug overdose.
“Rory Kennedy and Vanessa Vadim are not happy,” declared professional lesbian Ann Northrop in POZ, the lifestyle magazine for HIV-positives. “They hate talking to the press. They don't want to discuss their famous parents. They don't want to talk about their personal lives.”
What they wanted to talk about was needle exchange.
After graduating Brown, Kennedy had joined Vadim in compiling footage for their increasingly famous video, Fire in Our House. The celebutantes visited needle-exchange sites all over the country. Vadim, of course, already had this study under way. Included in the wonkish video’s observations on American junkie life are the words of "Hakim....a member of the community. And one of the things Hakim does in his life is shoot up. But Hakim is also a father and a productive, valued citizen...”
Meanwhile, another American junkie, tape-recorded by occasional l-keford.com operative Krash in an East Village storefront not far from the Essex Street drug location where co-directrix Vadim had been busted, had this to say: “I was chained to Vanessa Vadim for about three hours when we were being transferred from the bullpen to 100 Center Street. And there’s really no better way to get to know someone. When Vanessa came into the bullpen at about noon the morning after she was busted, all the prosties and skeezers were whistling and cat-calling at the cracker chick with the expensive haircut and leather jacket. Vanessa held her ground--like she was used to living dangerously. We got to talking, and when the conversation came around to sex and drugs, Vanessa went on about how she’d done plenty of both. She told me about these rich lesbians eating each others’ pussies at this college she went to and at these clubs in the Village. Eventually she told me about her affair with Kennedy’s daughter Rory. Of course, I didn’t believe it.”
Recalled amphora-shaped, freckle-misted “Alyssa,” “Every Brown University coed I've ever known has been to the Clit Club [ a lesbian late-night salon that once floated from one location to the next], so when I saw Rory and Vanessa there, I wasn't terribly surprised. I saw them in the basement of the Pyramid Club on Avenue A. You had go-go girls on the bar in various degrees of undress. The clientele consisted of the most radical, in-your-face dykes in town. So it wasn't much of a shock to see the two of them chewing face in a shadowy corner. This was their natural element: eroticism with a political subtext."
The Kennedy family finally put its foot down in spring, 1995 after an appearance by the pixie-dusted video gals on The Charlie Rose Show. According to Kennedy expert C. David Heymann, the klan --a privately held corporation reeling from such recent PR gaffes David Kennedy’s overdose and the Willie Smith rape trial -- offered Rory a choice between her public dyke persona and disinheritance. Thus began Rory’s “romance” with writer, editor, dilettante and signator of the standard Kennedy non-disclosure agreement Mark Bailey, whom reluctant hetero Rory finally married on August 2, 1999--but not without revisiting whever possible Vanessa Vadim’s inner surfaces as well as the Clit Club and dyke-friendly establishments.
And ironically, according to best-selling Kennedy biographer C. David Heymann, it was to Rory’s flimsily closeted cousin John-John--who died en route to Rory’s wedding--that the bisexual Brownie first confessed her Sapphic secret!
Prominent Manhattan personality, author, art critic and longtime Kennedy family acquaintance, Baird Jones, says about John F. Kennedy Jr: "I've worked the door of clubs that were either gay or at least 90% gay, places where even the women were there only because they were fag hags who liked to hang out around gay men. Quite frequently I've worked at gay clubs where I was either a promoter or I was the door person. These included Private Eyes, Studio 54 and the Underground - some of the best known gay nightclubs in the city. And in that context, one of the people who turned up time and again was John Kennedy. In fact, he would turn up so often that his presence no longer shocked anyone. I also remember how, at the Club Horatio 113 in Greenwich Village, on the nights that were gay - in other words, on the nights there was a gay promoter bringing in a predominantly gay crowd - that John Kennedy was a regular there. I believe these appearances were noted in the paper with some frequency. The promoter who springs most to mind for these particularly events was Scott Curry, known for his flagrantly gay nightclub following.
Jones: "The Underground in Union Square had a gay night, Tuesday night. And John Kennedy would show up. Of course, he wasn't so stupid as to turn up with some effeminate gay guy. He'd be with some prepped out macho yuppies instead. And Kennedy would just kind of hang out and drink beer. Rolling Rock. You might say that John Kennedy likes to watch.
"A case in point: In the Hamptons, John Kennedy spent an inordinate amount of time on the gay beach, ostensibly jogging. How do I know this? I've orchestrated many events in the Hamptons, where I've been known as a black-tie party giver for many years. And my friends in the Hamptons have told me that John Kennedy was a regular in terms of running on the gay beach. Specifically: he would run on the gay beach. I believe it's called Elbow Beach or something. Talk to George Wayne at Paper magazine about that, because he's written extensively on the Hamptons. The gay beach incidents were also reported in the NY Post. [JFK's excuse was he "got lost" on the beach.]
Jones: "John Kennedy would turn up at the gay clubs wearing very formal clothes... He'd usually be in a suit or at least a sports jacket, although not always with a tie. Let's face it: He's a preppy.
"I know people who knew John Kennedy in prep school and grammar school. One of his friends - in fact his best friend at Collegiate - ended up being gay. His name was Jason Beghe. He's a muscle man who became an actor in Italy. He stars in a lot of these low-budget spaghetti westerns, horror movies and monster films.
Jones: "In the old days - '76, '77 and '78 - John and Jason hung out together all the time. I was at John Kennedy's house hanging out with these guys. Jason started making out with another man at the Collegiate graduation party at their house on 1041 Fifth Avenue, which is where John lived in 1977. It's Jackie O's place now. It's just a few blocks from my house on East 96th Street, so I was there all the time."
Gutter Journalism
Dwarf Bowling Exposed
Mark Kramer tackles the latest threat to America's soul. He reports on the industry that has left a long line of body bags. Yes, you read it here first - dwarf bowling may lead to homosexuality and murder!
A helmeted dwarf, strapped to a skateboard, is horizontally propelled into a mass of perfectly aligned tenpins. The whir of small, well-oiled wheels and the skateboard’s aerodynamic whoosh gives way to a deafening crash as the compact human projectile collides with its target. Dwarf and tenpins go clattering in various directions. A strike! The crowd goes wild.
Scenes like this once played out nightly in the low-riding, high-anxiety, taste-free world of dwarf-bowling, New York City style -- making cash registers ring out and putting destinies on the line with each and every roll of the runt. Often confused with its vastly coarser cousin, dwarf-tossing-- a cruel pastime spawned in the yeasty waterside taverns of Australia--dwarf-bowling emanated from some of the most rarefied outposts of Manhattan’s cultural and civic life. Most especially, this meant the glitzy, neon-drenched nightclubs where sybarites and cognoscenti alike vied for the chance at launching a dwarf into pinward velocity.
Naturally, there were those who didn’t get it. Especially in Albany, the state capital. “People shouldn’t be allowed to do this!” pontificated one lawmaker. “It’s demeaning to the whole dwarf community.” Here, for the first time in modern memory, was an issue on which even the most fractious legislators could agree. The result: by unanimous vote, a revised law that prohibited-- under pain of liquor-license revocation, “Any contest which endangers the health, safety and welfare of any person with dwarfism.” Remarked the governor, who had signed the legislation without a second’s hesitation, “Any activity which dehumanizes and humiliates these people is degrading to all of us. This bill recognizes that and, in effect, recognizes these bizarre games to be debased.”
“Tossed dwarfs won’t fly in NY!” snickered one Gotham tabloid.
None of this sat well with celebrity dwarf “Little Mike” Anderson. “The state treats little people like animals that have to be protected because they can’t decide for themselves raged four-foot-three-inch Little Mike-- who is widely credited with making dwarfism sexy again. In the late 80s, he walked away, without a backward glance, from a successful career in the aerospace industry to pursue the dream of being a professional dwarf. It was one small step for dwarfkind, but....Mike’s quick smile, supple wit and non-Euclidean good looks did not pass unnoticed in Manhattan’s novelty-starved demimonde. In short order he parlayed his status as hard-hatted bowling object into a screen career that includes an unforgettable performance as The Dancing Midget in David Lynch’s Twin Peaks.
No one had campaigned or litigated more tirelessly than urban leisure activist Baird Jones, BA, JD, MA-- a Manhattan aboriginal with a resume of quirky art events dating to the Studio 54 era, and who was quick to point out that his late father was a founding editor of People magazine. Weedy, bespectacled, five-foot-nine Jones was and is a familiar figure in his rumpled blazer and New York Yankees baseball cap atop a nearly complete case of male-pattern-baldness syndrome. He spoke in what Newsday columnist Ellis Henican described as “the clipped tones of someone who grew up around money”, and at 40-plus years of age still shares an apartment with his mother.
“Is dwarf bowling offensive and grotesque?” Jones vociferated. “Of course it is. But that’s no reason to take away the little people’s right to be bowled, and be well-paid for it.”
Then again, no one had more to lose by the de facto dwarf bowling ban. Jones’ entire operation --nine very busy dwarfs, each netting $150 for being trajected 20 or 30 times over the course of an evening- - hung in the balance.
It was Jones’contention that the punitive new Section 6, Subsection 6-B of the Alcoholic Beverage Law was illustrative of the same de facto state-sponsored censorship barely distinguishable being used to muzzle Karen Finley, Ann Magnuson and other radical-performance personalities of the day.
“This will be the censorship case that the avant garde wins,” predicted Jones.
It was thus that the dwarf-tossing crusade struck deep into the state’s budget-line, clogging courtrooms and state regulatory agencies like a bureaucratic overgrowth of kudzu vine or candida albicans. This metastatic condition was made possible by Jones’ attorney, Thomas Robert Stevens. No sooner had the anti-dwarf-bowling measure taken hold than Stevens filed an appeal on Jones’ behalf, petitioning the court with documents more self-serious in their frivolity than anything American jurisprudence had seen since the third Larry Flynt obscenity trial.
“Dwarf -bowling is presented as performance-art meant to protest the oppression of the vulnerable avant-garde artist by bourgeois society,” argued Stevens in a closely reasoned legal brief, leaving little room to doubt that the US Constitution’s authors were thinking specifically of wheeled homunculi when they penned the Bill of Rights and its free-speech guarantees in 1791. “Like Kafka’s short-story ‘The Hunger Artist’, dwarf bowling invokes similar circus metaphors about the intellectual’s victimization in modern society. It outrages the audience and thus makes them sensitive to discrimination against little people.”
Stevenson’s brief also addressed some of the workplace-safety issues that had alienated State lawmakers, itemizing such precautionary measures Jones had taken, including “plastic bowling pins, a shortened runway and permitting the dwarf to steer with his arms (as opposed to binding his arms to the skateboard as practised elsewhere).”
The state attorney general, in addition to offering anti-dwarf-bowling affidavits from the prestigious organization Little People of America, argued in rebuttal that “dwarfs often suffer from various disease, including skeletal dysplasia, that make them especially vulnerable to jarring injuries.”
In weeks that followed, as dwarf-bowling aficionados awaited with bated breath the court’s decision, New York’s gossip pages revealed that Baird Jones had been beaten up at a nightclub by one of “his” dwarfs-- none other than skeletal-dysplasia survivor Little Mike Anderson.
“Mike just freaked out,” recalled four-foot celebrity dwarf Scooter Seidman, another former Baird Jones bowlee who’d hit the big time with roles in The Butcher’s Wife and The Fisher King. “Mike grabbed Baird’s camera and smashed it to the floor and then he slugged Baird -- right in the knee-cap. Then he screamed he’d never speak to Baird again and stomped out.”
“Jones is kind of a scumball for turning something meaningful into tabloid sensationalism,” fumed Little Mike to the tabloids.
Although it was widely conceded among observers of bar sports that Jones’ Svengaliship over Little Mike was doomed from the start, to Jones the nightclub drubbing was a clear-cut case of Mike nipping the selfsame hand that had propelled him to showbiz prominence. Unfortunately, before these minutiae had a chance to sort themselves out, there was the small matter of Little Mike’s much-publicized marijuana arrest. Whilst motoring through the sylvan village of Stockbridge, Massachusetts with one of his innumerable groupies, Mike’s car was pulled over by police, who noticed the remants of a spliff in the ashtray.
“The first thing when they saw me was ‘Twin Peaks’,” recalled Little Mike. “They called in reinforcements from neighboring towns to help with the arrest. They were like autograph hounds.”
Dwarf-bowling’s murky milieu grew murkier still with the arrest of Baird Jones’ attorney by Federal agents for, alleged the warrant, “hiring an individual to commit a murder.” According to US government papers in the case, Stevens’ “intended victim had a civil lawsuit pending against Stevens, and the intended victim was helping another person who was alleging that the defendant had sexually molested members of the Young Republicans Club.” Did dwarf bowling lead to murder? Apparently not. And with the same surreal suddenness that brought the indecipherable accusations against Stevens --who faced ten years in the federal sneezer-- the charges were just as suddenly dropped.
Still, the taint of homicide did little to enhance dwarf-bowling in the eyes of the judge who decided against Stevens and Jones in the liquor-law appeal. And despite Jones and Stevens’ vow to appeal to the United States Supreme Court, the doomed quasi-sport had begun its slow decline into the mists of nightclub nostaligia.
Yet the spirit of dwarf bowling lives on. America is witnessing a dwarf renaissance not seen since Firesign Theatre’s LP “Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me The Pliers!” last elicited chortles and yelps of narcotized mirth in the nation’s college dormitories.
Among the more definite signs that dwarfism today is no laughing matter--consider the recent controversy surrounding Houston, Texas’ Councilman Joe Roach, the first dwarf ever elected to office in a major American city . In an episode summarized by the New York Times headline “Calling Dwarf A ‘Midget’ Nets Official A Suspension”, the pint-sized legislator sent a clear signal that the age of inexact language had ended for vertically challenged Houstonians.
Another example of how little people are redefining the boundaries of beauty and sexiness is short-tempered media personality “Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf”--a beery, anthrophobic n’er-do-well who lives with his mother in Boston-- who recently attained wide recognition on Howard for vomiting in the shock-jock’s studio. Shortly thereafter, Stern dispatched the troubled dwarf to Florida on behalf of the program-- but Hank was too drunk to be permitted on the aircraft. For these and other charismatic acts, Hank would be voted winner of People Online’s “3rd Annual Most Beautiful People” poll... beating out Leonardo DiCaprio for the honour!
If the cry “Dwarf Power!” is not yet being heard throughout the land, trend-spotters are anticipating it... shortly.
Meanwhile, there’s no mistaking the fact that Americaís dwarfs are revolting.
Sana Fey - David Christopher
Email: "Luke, Sana Fey is living with David Christopher. She has some chick there too. And the chick is going nuts. A guy from Big Top Video is flying in Tuesday to help fix it."
SCOOP says: "They have been sort of living together pretty happily. The girl in question was a girl that Sana Fey had met in SC and wanted to come to LA to do porn. She stayed at their house for a short bit and then left. The "guy from Big Top" is his friend Sam who came here (as he does often) to oversee a movie David was doing for him. This was weeks ago btw. As usual Luke, a mountain out of a molehill :-) David and SF are probably the most functional porn couple out there now."
Porn Around The World
Pat Riley replies on RAME (newsgroup rec.arts.movies.erotica) to Lattara:
>If we want to run with stereotypes, however, based on how different >countries' porn tastes are perceived by outsiders:- >The towering presence of Jenna Jameson suggests Americans like blondes >with big fake tits (no flames please, RAMErs are a cut above the >average of course).
Americans have no taste be it gnomes in the garden, Howard Stern, wrestling,
or porn performers.
>British porn (no hardcore please) is supposedly dominated by spanking >and SM. Foreigners reason that this is because we were all caned at >public (i.e. private) school. The fact that most of us never went to >public school is not allowed to intrude into this argument :-).
The British or at least the English are also fascinated by huge, really huge, hooters, witness the number of UK imports by Big Top.
>The Japanese like raping schoolgirls in their porn and (consequently?) >supposedly have a very low violent sex crime rate.
This argument might be the next step now that the American Psychiatric Association have downgraded kiddie sex to "If it feels OK, just do it." Or was this a Luke F-rd satirical piece I took seriously?
>The Germans are unable to be aroused without watersports and/or latex. Don't forget the Amazonian Heidi look-a-likes. >The Italians like their porn with lots of costumes, magnificent >settings and high production values - throw in an historical setting >and a story and they're even happier. [...]
Sorry I can't relate. Italian porn has fleshy women who all look like Gina Lollibrigida (sp?) in her declining years (or her best years; not much difference).
>The Russians like their porn to be shot in a tiny appartment with a >couple of dumpy looking girls. (Well, they might not like it but >that's what they get as Private have syphoned off all the cute-looking >sluts).
Actually judging by the Russian girls in the non-porn binary groups, the stereotype of the tractor (remember the Apple commercial) will have to go. Some f-i-n-e looking girls with better teeth than the Americans.
>I know nothing about Brazilian porn, but suspect it involves a lot of >transsexuals.
They like black caucasian girls.
Luke Needs Prop to Pop
Bill: what good are HUGE bazooms? Even small ones, if they have the right sense, will stimulate you. Bill: if they have the right scent!!! Luzdedos1: with big ones, you can stick your dick between them and f--- and get off Bill: but sense has a provocative ring to it. that's little more than beating off. Isn't that objectifying your partner? Sounds like you really didn't need her, eh? Luzdedos1: i don't have tits Bill: sounds like you passed thru a phase where premature ejaculation was a problem. Does it still happen with a new conquest? Luzdedos1: at times, now i am having trouble keeping it up Bill: we've covered this terrain before Luke. I just don't have the problem. Why do you? Luzdedos1: insecure in the fleeting relationship Bill: I think it's because you have such deep self doubts, you don't feel loveable, and as soon as you feel that, it droops. eh? Bill: ALSO... Luzdedos1: yes Bill: the paradox of the more you dwell on it, the more elusive the feeling becomes, so the ability to "prop" also becomes elusive. So you go thru stages of great sex, all the way down to ejaculation with not only no orgasm, but also some pain. Luzdedos1: to prop or pop? Bill: prop Luzdedos1: whaddya mean? Bill: prop is needed for pop
DC: Just how old is this "Mr. Ford?" What a loser!! Holy s---! Like anyone in the world gives two f---s about this tool? Howard [Stern] is 10 times more the man than Luke could ever be. Gee.....who'd you rather be? A Half-assed "journalist" who covers the porn industry? Or someone who entertains more than 20 MILLION people a day, every day, brings in hundreds of millions of dollars in advertising revenue every year, and actually speaks like he is educated? F Luke F-rd!
DD: The difference between Luke & Howard, Ford & Stern, is that Luke F-rd is fundamentally a man of PRINCIPLE at his deepest core, while Howard Stern is transparently nothing more...... ......than a mercenary RATINGS WHORE! TAKE HIM OUT LUKE!
Howard Stern predictions: 1) Howard Stern will be the first celebrity DESTROYED by the Internet. 2)He will publicly confess to being a closet transvestite. 3)His wife Alison will write a tell-all book and dump him unceremoniously for a Gentile.