Monday,
December 25th, 2000
A RAME Christmas
Mr Slutty writes on RAME: I was cleaning the leaves out of my gutters -- again -- when I heard a strange sound, almost like the jingling of bells, overlaid with the clip-clop of hooves. But as the sound was coming from overhead, I dismissed the thought, as it is impossible for hooved animals to fly. Nonetheless I was startled when a moment later, a long piece of paper fluttered down. I was just able to reach out an grab it. It seemed to be a list of some kind from someone named "ANTA"...presumably Steve Ranta, the famous Bluesman and RAME poster. Anyway, here's what it says:
To Torris: A second hobby.
To Basementchild: A spacious penthouse with good natural light and a lavishly equipped home film studio for the creation of specialty videos.
To Mila Shegol: Painless restoration of her prolapsed rectum, and a box of Depends just in case.
To Ramsay: A clear plastic speculum, slightly used.
To Mike South: Customers.
To Mike Paul: Exclusive perpetual rights to the distribution of Kleenex at Adult CES exhibitions.
To Talesin the Bard: Respect and a case of Dynamic Weight Gainer amino acid supplement.
To The Rabbi Stiffkugel: A return to RAME.
To Dave Cummings: The Distinguished Servicing Medal.
To Tim Evanson: Ryan Phillipe, a sling, and a can of warm Crisco.
To Roger: Kaitlin Ashley.
To Brad (MOD): Access to the Cray computer facility at the National Security Agency in Maryland, where a team of top programmers will devise a fuzzy-logic neural net system to automatically create postings of great clarity, wit, and insight from ramdom "Best Anal" lists.
To Patrick Riley: Transportation to an alternate reality universe in which he is a 30-ish woman whose slightly sagging post-teen breasts are jeered at by an anonymous throng of shrewish masturbators.
To Brandy Alexandre: Many years of clear eyesight and a fairly well done made-for-cable courtroom drama about her fight with Forest Lawn. Starring Mary Elizabeth Mastroantonio as "Brandy" and Lupe Ontiveros as "Evil Rival."
To Becky Carol: A Brandy Alexandre dartboard.
To Luke F-rd: Peaceful resolution of his inner conflic in accordance with his deeply held religious convictions. And a huge f---in' horse cock to spray cum over them bitches.
Brandy Alexandre replies on RAME: I have no objections except that I hope she bleaches her hair. I might have chosen Lauren Holly or Lynn-Holly Johnson. As for Forest Lawn people, you have to imagine the squinty-eyed and mousy-voiced Dianne Weist for the HR veep, Robert Downey SENIOR, for the SVP boss, and someone with the self-righteous know-it-all attitude of Alec Baldwin for the president of the company, but absolutely without the looks.
In fact, I can't even think of any actor that even comes close because they just don't let those people into Hollywood. As for evil rival, I'm sure she would still insist she's a dead ringer for Denise Richards, but I still say Tori Spelling. (I don't know who Lupe is.) And there is another lesser discussed person involved who is rather difficult to describe. The best I can do it direct you to the overly emotional red- headed character Brendan Fraser created in "Bedazzled." Not only nearly exact looks, but exact demeanor and persona.
Xmas Greetings To RAME
David Clark writes: 'Scuse the momentary happy-face, and don't let it go to your collective heads or nuthin,' but in one s----ass professional year where I've basically spent 90 percent of my time dealing with thieves, corporate monoliths and, uh, more thieves, RAME has provided me the only place where I basically go and enjoy the whole idea of porn as simply as I once used to. Thanks Voyager, Torris, SpankingHank, Mr. P. Riley, SonOfCelluloid and all you mooks. I wish the people I deal with here in the Valley on a daily basis had the love for and knowledge of smut -- not to mention the f---ing sense of humor about it! -- you guys do. And special props to the moderators, who I hope in the past year I have abused less than previously with my pissy e-mails. You guys deserve to be stunt dicks in the next five COCKSMOKERS volumes (though whether that's a gift or a curse depends on whether public assistance checks were mailed on time in L.A. county any given week). and to all a good gape, dac
Watching Porn As A Substitute For Sex
It has come to my attention that many readers of l-keford.com use porn as a substitute for sex. Perhaps I should focus my web site more on the consumers of porn and what they experience when they masturbate, rather than on the production of porn?
Methuselah writes on RAME: I know this will open a Pandora's box of comments but I wanted to address an issue with this group that I don't often have the opportunity to discuss with people.
It disturbs me that many people view those of us who rent/purchase porn (whether it be video or printed material) as needing to buy porn because we don't get enough (or any) sex. I think the idea is absurd, I think the public's opinion of porn needs to be tweaked in many places. I'd bet half of us feel we get "enough sex", another percentage feel they NEED more, and another percentage feel they would want more if they could get it.
As someone who purchases about two new videos and five magazines a month, I still only resort to porn perhaps once a year as a true "subsitute" for sex. Most of the time I shop for (and watch at home) porn with my girlfriend and frankly a good part of the time it leads to BETTER sex for both of us than without the visual stimulation.
Porn as educational or even a marital aid is certainly a truth no matter how "taboo," "exotic," or "hardcore" the material seems. I have fetishes and have had girlfriends with unusual ones as well and we have been able to better enjoy and share our fetishes with videos and magazines that show them.
I would be lying if I said I did not learn from watching videos, I do, and a couple of my girlfriends over the years have admitted they did as well. So be proud that you have a one-up advantage over the next person when you bring a new lover to bed...you are better prepared, know what you want, and can make the person enjoy themselves more because you are educated by porn and fueled by images.
Headlover writes: The more satisifed I am the less porn I watch. But I also watch only little bits when I feel sexual opportunities aren't near on the horizon. I'll put in a tape and get myself off in a short period of time. So at both extremes I spend less time watching.
On the other hand I suspect if I were to lose my touch at attracting good partners, I would watch more, take longer, and savor the fantasies. My guess is very little sex leads to lots more porn. The time I watch a lot is when I am alone, feeling horny, and anticipating being with a fine woman. I enjoy working my self up, cooling off, on and off...making very sure I don't cum. It puts me in a great mood when the real thing begins. Since my relationship with most women usually involved a lot more than sex, and they don't watch porn with me (with one exception), this also eliminates the time or opportunity to watch.
There is one significant additional factor that drives up my desire to watch porn. My particular obsession is getting BJs. After the girl is gone, how much I watch tends to depend on how the BJ experience was, regardless of how terrific the sex was overall.
One girl is an exception. She is enthusiastic about fulfilling my obsession and does like to watch my collection of BJ porn. We will watch a while, cuddle and warm up. When we finish watching what we both feel is a particularly hot scenes she will invariably go down on me. Generally she will imitate the style/approach of the girl on the video. We do this, with me returning the favors. Sometimes we do this for hours, switching the tapes on and off. When she goes, porn doesn't cross my mind for many days. (Alas, she only visits every few months on business, so I do get back to other girls and a good share of porn.)
Pat Riley writes on RAME: Yeah, sure. And we all know the stud in school who kept telling us how he was getting laid all the time, mostly with movie stars, models, and the like. Must be the truth, eh? Doesn't matter that no one ever saw evidence of it. He wouldn't lie, would he? I guess I must be unusual.
Last time I checked the Alyssa Milano look-a-like wasn't waiting for me in my bed. In fact, I can't ever recall screwing an Alyssa Milano look-a-like but I'd certainly like to. OTOH I can fantasize, usually when some good looking girl screws up and enters the industry for a short time, that I'm screwing her. This sounds awfully like "I'm not getting enough sex (understood...) of the right type and quality at the right cost, (understood...) zero."
Let's see. Winter essay: "What I learn (have learnt) from Porn" by Patrick Riley:
Back when I was around 12 or 13 (I don't really remember) I learnt that if I rub my dick and think about the little cutie pie next door that I glimpsed in her bra and panties through her window, within a couple of minutes I had this great feeling and made a mess on the bed/couch/floor. No porn involved there.
About the same age I had the distinct impression that there must be hole somewhere in those females that was a good substitute for a hand. Maybe some sex education class or a book or maybe the other guys told me about the VAGINA, the center of all male pleasure, and the use of which is guarded like Fort Knox by most females. No porn there unless you count the illustrations in otherwise dull sex education books or the National Geographic images of the latest-to-be-discovered Papuan stone age tribe and you really can't count the glimpse of the camel toe (TM- Torris) that some not too bright girl was exposing in her too flimsy bathing suit. Somehow one knew that the holy of holies was between the knuckles of that camel toe. Anyway no porn, not even written at this point.
In the never ending struggle to insert your dick between the knuckles of that camel toe you soon found out that the females had a set of rules as to just who they would allow to place their dicks there and they weren't about to tell you, a scumbag male--lower than the doggie-doo on the sidewalk--just what those rules were so you tried without much success to find out but even when through pure happenstance you actually arrived at the holy of holies you couldn't repeat the same technique with other females.
So not much information (or education) was necessary once you arrived at the site of Nirvana--it sort of comes naturally--but you could have used (and still could use) some help in getting there. Let's see if porn provided any.
Despite the common knowledge that pizza boys and pool guys along with hamburger flippers and shoe salesmen are among the losers of society, according to the porn industry these are the guys who have no trouble getting laid. Just clean the girl's pool or pretend to and she'll be only too happy to give you a ride. In fact she's so sexually aroused by the guy's occupation that she'll throw all caution to the wind and do him beside the pool where the UPS guy, the meter reader, or the nosy neighbors can all see them. We also observe that this happens when the pool guy hasn't more than enough money for gas to get him back to his hovel but the girl is the wife or daughter of a multi-millionaire judging by the house she inhabits. Lesson from the porn industry: become a pool guy and get laid.
Or, you could become a professor at a college (or high school if we go back to the eighties instructional movies). Never mind those news accounts of professors having their life ruined by playing around with one of their students. According to the porn industry every co-ed is anxious to get better grades and pass her class and is willing to screw her professor to do it. Oh, and she loves it, especially if he rams it up her ass and then cums all over her face. Lesson from the porn industry: if you're a professor your students will be happy to screw you; if you're not, become one, the sex is unending.
And we all know that every stepfather out there is screwing his stepdaughter. Either the mothers never find out or they don't care. Never mind people like CPS and the likelihood that blabbermouth step-daughter will tell her teachers or her mother especially when you won't buy her the Ferrari for her birthday.
Lesson from the porn industry: If you have a nubile stepdaughter be like Herschel Savage and screw her. If you have an inclination towards the really young, especially those dressed in white anklets and high heels the best places to look are in the local park or the public toilets where you might find them smoking or doing something mildly naughty. Naturally they'll succumb to pressure and allow you to shove your dick (and assorted gynecological instruments) up all their holes with nary a complaint. They'll even let you pee on their face. If their mother finds out that's no real problem. Instead of calling the authorities she'll just turn up at your place where you can molest her too. Lesson: If you have the urge to screw underage girls (that's Jon Benet Ramsey underage) no problem; just do it. You'll never get caught.
But most of the time you'll find (according to the porn industry) that the presence of a male (any male) is enough to have the girl magically appear naked with her legs open ready for the almighty schlong. They require no foreplay apart from some perfunctory rug munching, and they certainly don't require you to take them out on a date, nor to actually talk to them. Funnily when you try this lesson in real life the girls' clothes don't magically disappear and they don't seem to be quite so hot to trot. That's just you though.
In porno land girls just love huge dicks. In fact, despite their lack of knowledge of the size of the guy's dick before sex, they know by osmosis (or somehow) that they're in the presence of THE HUGE DICK and they just can't wait to have it rammed inside their holes. Ignore the grimacing and expressions of pain and the attempts to limit penetration (see Lexington Steel and cutie pie Stephanie in Black Cheerleader Search #41); cries and actions of this kind are more evidence of how much they like it. Alternatively all girls in real life are masochists and just love pain.
Similarly in real life you know that girls are pretty sensitive about their face and hair but according to the porn industry they just love to have the white sticky stuff all over them. It's even better when it goes in their eye. Contrary to your experience and the statements off-camera by the porn girls it can't possibly hurt (like hair shampoo) or if it does see above about all females being masochists. Learn the lesson: splooge on the girl's face and she'll love you for it.
While you're learning how much the girl likes monster dicks, think about how much more she'd like it if you rammed it up her asshole. Despite comments by wizened old hags on this group and your own personal experience (if you've even summoned up the courage (stupidity?) to try) all girls love to have a hard two inch diameter fence post stretching their bung hole. Many also love the preparation beforehand and the possible defecation problems afterwards. See above about all girls being masochists.
Ignore your personal experience that girls are extremely reticent about sex and/or nudity in public...anywhere anyone might hear or see them. That's all hogwash. The lesson from the porn industry is that girls love performing sex in front of others. Heck, they love performing sex with multiple males at the same time. Never mind that dating crap and the concentration on the idea of "boyfriend" (singular); all girls are really sluts and love it. Even better if there's one up the ass at the same time as one in the pussy. (See above about fence posts up the asshole.) This will give any woman an orgasm in super quick time.
You don't have to worry about that dating business either. According to the porn industry (since about 1986 anyway) no girl ever went out to a restaurant or to the movies on the guy's dollar. You never have to sweet talk them or get them slightly inebriated to have them open their thighs (see above about the magic clothes disappearance).
And they all masturbate constantly. Never mind the statements in Ed and similar from aspiring debutantes that they don't masturbate and the perfunctory inept attempts when they do. That's wrong. Every female is nearly (more?) sex mad than the guys.
Nor are they reticent when it comes to a little g/g. They're all, as one porn director puts it, bi-curious. They build women differently you know that's why they're "bi-curious" and because you're different the idea of having some gay guy shove his dick up your asshole (see above about two inch fence posts) never occurred to you, at least without evincing a shudder.
Geez, I'm sure learning a thing or two about sex and women. After the 10,000 or so lessons I've had, you'd think that not only Alyssa Milano but also Jennifer Love Hewitt would be waiting to use my dick. I know, I didn't catch Chessie's lesson about Rover; I'll have to bone up on that and invite the dog to join us. That'll pull them in.
Lest we get the usual complaints about the "old dog" I might recommend the current commercial from Circuit City wherein a young guy and a girl are on a date and with each statement or action by him a visible counter goes up or down (like a pinball machine) indicating his point addition in searching for the holy grail. Like: looking at another girl (forget the three way) produces a minus 3000 or saying "I'd like to kiss you (not "f--- you" which is what he'd really like to do) but I'll wait until we know each other better," plus 3000. If you could learn anything from the porn industry all her clothes would have dropped off and he and the gang bang boys would be doing her in all her holes by the end of the commercial.
(To any presentable females marking this paper: I'll let you use my dick for an A.)
Live Slow writes: For me at least, I look at porn and porn actresses/actors in much the same way I do "professional" wrestling: I KNOW it's fake, I know that only "highly trained professionals should try this at home," and that a LOT of time, effort, training, and preparation go into making the fantasy SEEM real. The thing I enjoy though is seeing just how far the performers are willing to go for the money, fame, and adulation of fans. In both worlds (porn and wresting) the boundaries are being pushed all the time, often at risk to the participants, in order to create a more visually stimulating product. Actresses like Mila, who are willing to risk all manner of health problems for the sake of being called "the nastiest" or "most hardcore" performer DO, I'll admit, present a false image of women in general. However, it is THE FANTASY that there are women out there in the real world whom are just as depraved as your favorite porn actress, and that they are willing to sleep with YOU, the average guy, that is the turn on to most of us. I would also venture that the majority of porn viewers are acutely aware of the fact that they don't look anything like the actors and actresses on screen as the majority of us DON'T have huge dicks and perfect tits, asses, or abdominal muscles. Again, it is the fantasy that we, ourselves, are the one onscreen doing the deed that makes us such avid viewers. In the end, it is the brain, not the camera eye, that generates the fantasy; porn directors are merely putting on celluloid the "darker dreamings" of their own frontal lobes.
Speelie writes on RAME: For me and for some of my fellow male friends, porn is about stress relief. Sex is about love and lust and relationships, and sometimes just about lust (I'm thinking of my last time in Amsterdam). Porn is about deriving relaxation via masturbation, and is only occasionally a substitute for sex. My job gets quite busy and stressful now and then (whose doesn't, I know), and when the stress goes up, porn is relaxing. And even if I'm getting sex, I still need the relaxation. I wondered if I was unique in that situation, but soon realized that my friends are that way too.
AJB writes: If porn is a substitute for any sense of love or belonging in society, then yeah, that's a problem for that particular compulsive viewer.
Oz writes: I just don't care what the "public" thinks. I'm young, I'm horny, I have plenty of sex, but I'm not f---ing 24seven so, hey, why not pop in the porn? I suppose in a few years I'll start slowing down, then we'll see what I end up with more often!
Pat Riley writes on RAME: I can't conceive of any sex act that either doesn't come naturally or can't be understood in micro-seconds from the news, general fiction, and regular TV. In olden times the substitute was seeing the animals do it.
Yes, unfortunately many (around here, too) see those fantasies as real life. Look at how many guys will post about a girl whose asshole was being stretched to accommodate a baseball-bat-sized dick that "She loved it."
Luke Gets Mail
Fred writes: How do you practice your religion? Well, you go to shul, study Torah and Talmud, keep the Sabbath, keep kosher, keep roughly 3/4 of the commandments on good days (except for the ones that get in your way), and revere God. In addition, you are currently seeking a mate who does the same.
As for pleasure, for the time being, you abstain from pleasures of the flesh with others and similar tawdry matters. Your pleasure comes from intellectual pursuits--exchanging ideas with those whose ideas are interesting. And you go on dates. And occaisionally you are amused by the ways of those about whom you write.
Cindy Plenum writes: Dear Luke: Hi, its me, Cindy Plenum! Tibor died last May. Out of respect to his memory, you ought to list his passing as one of the most significant events in the world of porn all year round! I am considering returning to LaLa land to be near my family. What sort of future, business-wise, do you think I would have out there? Is there much of a market for me there?
Want To Enter Porn
QuasarmanRants.com advises a potential starlet: Depending on her personal comfort zone and desperation for fast cash. I explained that her options ran the gamut from being called a "cocksocket" while ingesting urine in a Max Hardcore production, having derogatory phrases written on her forehead while being forced to vomit on command in an Extreme Associates production, being asked to show up and have sex in one of my productions, or reciting banal dialogue and performing one sex position of her choice in a Vivid production.
Luke's Masturbation Diary
Luke's Vancouver sweetie Kendra writes: Luka, I am rather disappointed. I listened to your one-way phone chat with the other Kendra. How disheartening to hear very little response from you. You barely said anything. No interjections on behalf of your friend Lynne...nothing. You were frozen like a small child in the middle of a scolding. The icing on the cake was your written defense of Kendra's intelligence. My hope is that you were intending it to be facetious in lieu of her inane telephone tirade. I felt sorry for her. In her attempt to defend her intelligence, she displayed the exact opposite. The name "Kendra" means the knowing. I wonder if she is aware of that. I am also disappointed that you have printed such negative emails about Lynne. She is obviously a thoughtful person, and in fact your champion to some extent. What does it say about your character that you would print such malicious drivel? What is the point, what does it help? Granted, it makes Rumdar's day, but other than that? Do you not see that these things are hurtful, or is this what makes you tick?
Lynne confirms Vancouver Kendra's suspicions: Yes, Luke only truly comes alive when he takes pleasure in someone else's internal suffering being greater than his own.
Luke replies to Kendra: I'm sorry. I've been naughty. I need you to hold me.
Kendra replies: You are so twisted. Give me one good reason why I should? Besides, I think you have enough people to hold you.
Luke says: Those other girls don't mean a thing to me.
Kendra: Ok, you are vindicated. Am I emotionally easy or what? Just the reference to me as you "Vancouver sweetie" has warmed my recently ice cold heart. I will hold you now if you like.
Luke: Ok, hold this and tell me how you like it.
Kendra: You are twisted...how am I supposed to respond to that? Oh baby, I like it sooo much. I would like it sooo much better if it were inside of me. Oh God, I wish I could have you inside of me right now. Is that what you want?
Luke: That is exactly what I want. I popped a boner when I read that!
Kendra: Nice talk! Isn't "boner" a word commonly used in grade 9 boy locker-speak?
How's this: Oh yeah I love it when you touch me there. MMMMMM oh God, please stop please....I can't take it any more. I want you to come on top of my breasts. Oh God, oh God Thank you, thank you...... I want to wake up and feel you still inside of me. I want you to come inside of me over and over again, until I can't possibly take it anymore...then I want you to do it again....Oh God I love you so much.
(Yikes...no wait. Omit the last line. Isn't that erection poison to a man)
Luke replies: I've never had anyone I cared about write me such provocative prose. Please, I want more of it. I'm hard as a rock right now.
Emotional intimacy is not boner poison to me.
I love words, and to read such material coming from a sweet girl like you, is the ultimate turn on. I want more, how about a complete erotic scenario?
I need to be held right now. Please, hold this in your pert sweet mouth.
PS. How are your Judaic studies coming along?
Kendra: Merry Christmas to you too!
Luke: How would you like my throbbing member deep deep inside your engorged tender flesh?
Kendra: See, that made me giggle. Member sounds as though you belong to a club.
Luke: I love it when you giggle. You're such a girly girl.
Kendra: I told you, it's like jumping off of a diving board to me. Funny that push and pull between innocence, and something quite different. I have never written anything dirty before....I shouldn't call it dirty...it's not.
See, that push and pull. I am so attracted to you...yet we've never met. I don't think it's a novelty, as it hasn't worn off.
I will try to write you an erotic scenario, but first.....I must go open prezzies. The benefit of a non-Christian upbringing, with an inadvertent adhering to Pagan rituals.
Chaim writes: I reserve judgement until I see a photo of this woman. In the past, Luke has fallen tallit over pipuk in love with some rather questionable women.
I listened to that Kendra Jade tape, and all I can say is that is not the voice of the Kendra I know.
Lynne L-patin: I am reading your masturbation diary. It has always been my favorite part of lf.com. Igives me permission to go where I dare not go alone. in fact, I'm going back, right now...I like those warm, tingly feelings I get when I think of...
Ben (http://www.benonline-ca.com/oralsex.html) writes: Hi Luke Buddy, Luke!I think you f---ed up with that two liner,in defence of Kendra J.,Im sure she was expecting a lot more from you. I was thinking,now say it was at least ten lines,expanding in depth just how sharp Kendra J. really is.Now think about this:-Lynne,you could get a blow job any time you wanted.No need to be on her side of the fence on that one. Now Kendra, Im sure if you *romanced* her mind, she would drop over and would *BLOW OUT* one of your candles over the holidays. Luke!Your going to have to learn to PLAN AHEAD BUDDY!
Fred writes: I'm beginning to notice a pattern. Luke is turning into a master at reeling in older women. Lynne, NJG and now Lane. Luke--you can become a gigolo, and spend your time satisfying older women. Now all you need to do is to fine-tune your site to pick up 18-25 year old babes.
Andy Edmond - Grinch or CEO?
I hear that Andy Edmond, CEO of Flying Crocodile Inc (FCI), has missed his payment to Rick Muenyong (founder of YNOT), due to Rick on the 15th of every month. It's a high five figure sum. The missed payment, coming on top of layoffs over the past few weeks to about half of his employees, causes speculation about the financial health of Flying Crocodile Inc, the parent company of YNOTmasters.com.
I'm curious about the stipulations in Andy Edmond's contracts should he default on certain payments. I hear there's juicy stuff to uncover if I can get deep.
JT Edmond from FCI writes: Luke, In the wake of FCI's recent restructuring, this isolated payment has been temporarily affected. Rick's payment this month will be 14 days later than our normal 'on-time' history. Mr. Muenyong was notified last week by company CFO, Jm Finnell.
Rick Muenyong writes Luke: I'm extremely worried about the future of FCI and it's companies. This new guy, Jim Finnel, contacted me last Thursday stating a mixup in funds, and that I would have the money in my account the following day. Fine, I'm worried, but I'll give the new guy a chance. Next day, no money and the new Jim is no where to be found. Evidently FCI took the day off on Friday to have an Xmas party!
Come Monday, I left a few messages on Jim's line on Monday. No callback all day. I called Andy Edmond on his cell .. his words 'everything is going great, FCI is experiencing growth and re-structuring mode'. This would be the only time I get a hold of Edmond, even after 3 messages left. I can except not getting call-backs from Mr. Intern Finnel, but when Andy is hiding under a bush somewhere, you know there is reason to worry!
I made a deal with Mr Intern, to call me every single day at 10am starting Tuesday until the money gets wired into my account. He's already broken one promise, making him 0 for 1. Since that understanding, I have not heard from him once. That was almost one week ago. The only individual who ever returned my messages was Greg Geelan (my former attorney, now YNOT pres) from YNOT. Possibly the only person from FCI/YNOT who even cares I get paid.
Up to date, YNOT has done very well paying me on time. This is the first payment where FCI has been in charge (for whatever reason) of it, and look what happens. You can brief Greg or JT if you want to know why YNOT didn't handle my payment this time 'round. It's been just 11 months (out of 60) and FCI is already defaulting on their payments. Myself and Ranks.com (current venture) obviously rely on this money to stay in business. This is why I was somewhat forced to throw a funding campaign together for Ranks.com.. the initial plan was to obviously fund it ourself.
As someone who is extremely passive, I'm extremely PO'ed with the treatment from Intern Finnel and CEO Grinch. You can put this one under your never-ending stack of "Negative FCI PR" file. I'd love to speak with JT on this..... because it sucks getting my FCI updates on your site Luke. Maybe you should be my FCI contact person....
Cheyenne Silver's Vivid Contract
I've heard that Cheyenne Silver's contract with Vivid Video required four movies from her for 1999 and a breast job in exchange for $100,000.
Porn Ace comments: "Vivid is bribing hot fresh babes to put those silly inflated bags their perfectly cute awesome looking natural tits?Outrageous!Whoever is making these decisions at Vivid needs a brain implant because it's obvious they don't have one that works normally.Dumbasses!!"
Is Kendra Jade Stupid?
Kendra's manager Tabetha Yang writes: Many people say many things all year round to Luke F-rd and he prints it. But I believe it's out of sheer freedom of expression that he allows the hypocrites, the bureaucrats and the want to be "cool cats" of the industry wag their tongues. I think that people have run so far out of things to say about Kendra Jade that they're simply left with one word in their little minds, STUPID! I suppose that someone could jump up in her defense and in the same childish manner say, "I know you are, but what am I?" But we're supposed to be adults here with the capability to carry on an intelligent conversation. Why doesn't someone bring up the fact that she is one of the most sought after Adult Entertainers in the world? Or - she is more than qualified to MAKE movies for a living as well as STAR in them? Perhaps the subject could change to how involved she is with her official website www.kendrajade.com, her interaction with her fans and her goal to have the most updated Porn Stars! site ever. The list could really go on for quite awhile, and I'm sure the word stupid wouldn't show up on it even once.
Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, this is private, so I know you won't publish it. I do not want to queer things for Kendra with whoever she is dating. A number of people I do not know have been writing nasty things about someone I do know - Miss Kendra Jade.
As you know, last year she was my guest in New York City. We made a very interesting couple, she with her tatoos, and me with my extra few hundred pounds of fat on my swarthy frame, eating at Wendy's and otherwise doing the town. One of the places we went was the Leo Baeck Institute on West 16th Street to attend some lectures. (The Leo Baeck Institute is dedicated to the study of the history and culture of German-speaking Jewry.) The particular lecture we attended was "Einstein's Jewish World", by one Fritz Stern, the author of the book by that title. Professor Stern wrote about the world of German Jewry in the period between the wars, and specifically as concerned Einstein, Walter Rathenau, and Fritz Haber. Kendra asked the author a number of very pointed questions that all assembled recognized for their insightfulness, and offered on-the-spot guidance to Dr. Stern on certain complex points of human behavior which had eluded him. She is one smart cookie, and ought not to be judged on the basis of her willingness to be imaged while making love.
Stoney writes on alt.barefoot: I got these two pics from Luke F-rd's site. He was >f---ing Kendra back then. that must be why her banner ads were on his site. >These are the only pics I have of Kendra. You have >to forgive Luke's face ;-) and her feet. man what ugly feet.
"Myxomatosis" wrote on RAME: There's a new movie in my local smut shop called Porno (or Porno X, perhaps - the cover is not very clear). It seems to be a doco on the industry, with interviews or scenes from Max Hardcore and about 20 other notables. Anyone seen it? What is it and is it worth getting?
Pat Riley replies on RAME: Yes, I've seen it. The answer to the second question is, it depends.
PLUSES:
Reasonably well acted as long as you don't know the cast well. That's perhaps a cryptic remark but I really can't say more without spoiling it for someone who is not a frequent and catholic porn viewer. It is a documentary though. Done by Kris Kramski who is far and above the most able porn director and documentary director (with the possible exception of DAC whose movies I refuse to watch until he gets over his Oriental obsession and abjures having sex on screen himself).
Savage indictment of the people in the industry especially Regan Senter.
Interesting content and amazing that Sin City was willing to distribute it.
MINUSES:
Ron Jeremy takes off his clothes and has sex.
Dick Nasty does the nasty.
Sindee Williams (a plumper) also does sex however her appearance is more pitiful than repulsive.
Drew Andrews (a bisexual or gay guy) discusses and demonstrates his preparations for anal sex.
We find out that Olivia Love (a she-male) is probably deaf.
We see Kathy Jones (a really ugly old biddy) naked.
Johnny Toxic gives us a long speech on his views of the industry.
Kris Kramski tells us his weird views on HIV/AIDS.
Ron Sullivan (Henri Pachard) is asked some hard-hitting questions and his responses sound (and he sounds) pitiful.
SUMMARY
The movie is not intended to be erotic and lots of the material is negative (especially Regan Senter) but it's well done. If you're a regular reader of Luke F-rd you'll see some of the same ideas expressed or demonstrated. People who are industry SFB's will hate it. Even though it's not intended to be erotic, I did find Allison Killgore to be arousing despite her bigger-than-a-C-cup tits. Something about her earth mother looks.
Note that the movie was done in 1998 and only released late 2000. And the title is unclear to me too. The credits just say "Porno" if that clarifies matters any.
Luke says: I wrote about this movie and snapped stills of it in April 1999.
David Aaron Clark writes on RAME: I know how grueling my screen presence can be to tender sensibilities. I try to see that consumers are warned on the box ... but I promise this year to keep my girth out of all but the ocassional sleazy gonzo production ... so stick with the features, and your lunch will be saved! Now, I can't really promise anything about the Asian obsession (C'mon, Pat, please join the rest of us -- not "oriental," but "Asian" when refering to the people), but I am supposed to be doing some projects for a couple of studios where they'll be wanting more "mainstream" leads ...
Jeremy Steele writes: Anyway, I wanted to clarify a couple of tid bits about Kris Kramski's street release of "Porno".. The final release is missing a secret tape recorded message by Jim South and some associates on an answering machine of one time performer Kelly Jean's, telling her to come to Jim South's Vegas suite and "take care of him" if she wants to get some work.. It was originally aired in the film during the point when the interviewing crew is filming the steps of World Modeling as they are walking up them and into the office.. leading up to the question that was not omitted to him about if he has sex with his talent. I was told that Mr Kramski received some death threats about releasing that segment of the film, and it was enough to scare him into omitting it... However, if anyone wants a copy of it, I have a few extras of the unedited version that were given to me.
Since World Modeling had deliberately created and spread false rumours about me and gave female talent the ultimatum to not work with me(during the time Steve Austin was working there.. Gene Ross is one of my witnesses by the way) because I had a falling out with them, I will never forgive that.. and I still suffer the ramifications to this day.. So, I have no problems with sharing it and am not scared of any human animal on this earth, so bring it on!
Also, by the way, the "crazy" ideas Mr Kris Kramski expressed at the end of the film are my fault.. I'm the one, although he doesn't seem to remember in the interview, who introduced him with the alternative info on HIV/AIDS.. I was almost going to mention to l-keford.com the Wednesday December 20th 2000 L.A. Times big front page article titled "How a New Policy Led to Seven Deadly Drugs".. The gov't FDA has been aligned with the pharmaceutical industry and it's the drugs that, in part have been killing people, including anti-AIDS drugs causing AIDS themselves, but then I thought to myself, "Oh who reads the paper here anyway?".
Marilyn Chambers Rabid
JRob writes: In rebuttal to those who say adult film stars cannot make the cross-over to mainstream I offer the 1976 Marilyn Chambers Tour de Force "RABID." I had forgotten all about it as I hadn't seen it in twenty-four years. I was sixteen years old, and was finally able to see Marilyn (briefly) nude. Actually, the movie is hysterically funny. I don't think it is evidence that Ms. Chambers was successful in her cross-over attempt, because everyone's acting in the movie is so comical and amateurish that her acting ability doesn't seem to be diminished by comparison. If anyone is looking for a painfully funny movie (a comic blast from the past), I recommend they rent this film.
Final Days Of Porn
Jezebel writes on RAME: Download everything you can! Buy every tape you can! Go to the AVN Awards because this will be the last! Why am I sounding like chicken little. Bush has chosen John Ashcroft as his Attorney General. He is a darling of the religious right and a member of the Assmbly of God church. He is a high holy roller. As Gov. of Mo, he banned the sale of Alcohol on Sundays. He will go after porn hard, and he will destroy it, particularly on the net. We are doomed. The end of porn is near!
Fronter writes on RAME: Getting obscenity convictions is nowhere near as easy as it once was, even in the south. Then there's the fact that very large corporations are now involved in the distribution of porn, like AT&T, and General Motors (DirecTV). The video shop distribution model is on the way out, to be replaced by cable, satellite, and internet. These large corporations are, or shortly will be, deeply involved in this new distribution system. If you think Ashcroft if going to go after big business, then you don't understand how the Republican Party works. I would expect many more prosecutions of small video shops, but the effort will only serve as a symbolic gesture since, as I said, porn is moving on to better and safer avenues for delivering itself.
My personal advice to the porn industry is for it to get in bed with big business as fast as it can. The Republicans won't touch porn if companies like those I've mentioned rely on porn for dependable profit streams. And there's actually a great opportunity right now for porn to get on more cable and satellite systems, since many telecom companies are suffering from the slowing economy. Porn is, by far, the most profitable content a cable or satellite system can provide. And many industry types have commented that porn is turning out to be the primary factor driving the deployment of Video-On-Demand technology, which is critical to the survival of the cable industry.
Vivid Going Public?
I severely doubt that Vivid Video will go public in 2001. It's a bad climate now for such a move. And I've heard that in their preparation for going public, Vivid found out its house wasn't in order.
Critics Hail Porn Director's Debut As 'Shamelessly Masturbatory Male- Empowerment Fantasy'
LOS ANGELES--Across the nation, critics are unanimous in their praise of Brenda In The Ass 2: Butt Reams May Come, hailing the debut of porn director Ricky D'Alessandro as "the most exploitative, shamelessly masturbatory male-empowerment fantasy ever committed to video."
"I've never seen such utterly depraved filmmaking," raved Kenneth Turan, film critic for the Los Angeles Times. "D'Alessandro portrays women as little more than sexual receptacles. What little dialogue and plot he provides are flimsy excuses to undress starlets Brandi Reardon, Rebekka Rivers, and Jizzelle."
Turan's colleagues were quick to heap further laurels on the film. "Brenda 2 is a pandering, lowest-common-denominator wank-fest," CNN reviewer Paul Clinton said. "Perverted beyond belief." Read On
Porn Article In Jane Magazine
Jeremy Steele writes: Hey Luke, My sexy roommate told me she was featured in "Jane" magazine, a young woman's magazine, so I was looking through it; this month's in fact (December 2000), and there was an article about the porn biz.. I wanted to gag or laugh depending upon what I was reading, coming from the ms. innocent somewhat naive, not sure I wanna be a mademoiselle reader or not point of view the author seems to convey.. but, anyway, some of the material was interesting.. It briefly featured Raylene, Samantha Style, Mr Marcus, Anna Malle, Devon, Sydnee Steele, Evan Stone and a Michael Raven Vivid shoot..
The article said that "30% of porn films are rented by women or couples",
that "Worldwide, porn raked in a whopping $56 billion in 1998"..
The journalist, who said she acted as an assistant, handing out baby wipes, picking up used condoms says that "Adult-film actresses are paid per scene: A girl-girl goes for about $600; a guy-girl penetration, $800; guy-girl anal, $1000; and a guy-girl threesome, $1,100", notes that 80 scenes per year times $800 is 64K, not so great for all that wear and tear, she says. Some somewhat interesting non-pornographic behind the scenes photos, as well as a few funny behind the scenes moments reported, including Evan Stone waving his "pee pee" at the journalist, with her laughing nervously and Mr Marcus, rubbing her shoulders but her reminding him that she's a reporter, not talent, though "He keeps rubbing".
My Boyfriend's Addicted To Internet Porn
Shane writes: Dear Luke, About a month ago I saw the documentary "Give Me Your Soul", and I was quite intrigued by you. Firstly, I suppose because of your faith and the obvious conflicts, and secondly, when you spoke of how some journalists cover war, or politics, you just happen to cover porn. I thought: what's to cover?
So, what's to cover in the world of porn? When I first went to your website I was hoping for some real in-depth sociological study of pornography, rather than the Entertainment Tonight spin on it. Do you go into that more in depth in your book?
Sorry to be kind of rambling and not too focused in this letter, it's Christmas eve and my Christmas is pretty much a disaster. The reason I am writing you is because the reason for this, in part, is pornography. To me this is the real untold story of porn, of the lives it affects outside the industry, the impact on us "civilians".
To get a little personal with you, I will say for the last two years I have been involved with the son of a family who made a small fortune in the sex industry here in Canada in the 70's. My relationship has been destroyed by my boyfriend's "addiction" to pornography, particularly the internet variety. I have had to compete with thousands of two-dimensional, silicone injected, completely sexualized and objectified "women" for my boyfriend's sexual attention, only to lose. How could I possibly ever win? I am a real walking talking breathing woman with opinions and imperfections, I didn't daily lounge around the house or in bars in 6 inch stillettos wearing mini skirts push up bras and thongs, on all fours, ass in air, lips slighting parted, moist, licking a fingertip saying oh baby f--- me . I had a job to go to, dinners to cook, trash to take out, finances to budget. I wore jeans and tee shirts and practical shoes. Your average girl. But somehow not enough.
My choices were simple: accept and allow my boyfriend to consume as much pornography as he desired or to end the relationship. I was told that his desire for porn had "nothing to do with me", (so true, it was a pretty private, selfish thing) and that I wasn't competing, yet his hand saw more action than I ever did. I begged, pleaded, bargained, all to no avail. He refused to curtail his consumption, and it ended our relationship.
I spent the summer alone, doing some deep thinking about what I had been through. There were many issues other than the porn that affected out outcome, basically he is an addict, period, not just with porn but with substances. But the interesting thing is, he was born to parents who started a sex business and he was there through it's conception to it's end. He was never shielded from the family business and to him sex for sale is like any other product for sale. Women exist purely for the pleasure of men.
I am as curious about the backgrounds of the people who consume the product as much as the ones who make it. The excuse that men are visual creatures is old and inaccurate, I am as stimulated as a man when I view erotic material, yet I would never choose that over a real partner, or need it to get the motor running every time. We tried to reconcile our relationship over the fall and once again the pattern of lying and consuming pornography became an issue. He has told me before that he will always look at it and that it is no big deal. What he is unable to admit is the damage it has done to me. My self esteem is at an all time low. Or him for that matter. Always the need to find something more explicit, forbidden, unobtainable. Never before have men been able to so easily and readily consume sexual imagery of any kind, and I believe it may be doing great damage to individuals, and to healthy sexual relationships between men and women.
I believe that there is a need for sexually explicit, erotic material, it has it's place, but I certainly question the notion that there are no victims, just willing participants. I am very interested in learning more about pornography in this context. I wonder if you have any suggestions of books that might cover this in this manner. I wonder if your book looks at this or if you have an interest in it from this perspective. I am also interested in your connection to this world. Do you date any of these women? How does it conflict with your faith? Anyhow, sorry this was part personal confessional. Do you get alot of letters from women like myself? I am struggling to find some answers and give my self a sense of peace.
Rumdar writes: She must try harder to stimulate her man so he no longer craves porn. I would advise her to introduce vaginal speculums, anal chopstick insertion, and Bibles in the bung hole to spice things up in the bed room.
Luke replies: Dear Shane: This is a huge topic... A few quick thoughts. Pornography is primarily, in your context, not something external that your boyfriend is addicted to, but rather something internal to him and all males - the desire to see women as sexual objects. It is this inherent desire in all men which creates the porn product. He is simply acting on the desires that all men have. He should discipline himself so that he is not a slave to his desires and that his use of porn does not damage you. But his use of porn is not inherently denigrating or harmful or hurtful to you. It is how you are choosing to interpret it which determines how painful it is to you. I recommend therapy and religion to you, to him and to me and to everyone.
My website deals with the production of the product, and very little about the effects of the product. There are hundreds of books on that. Most of them simply reflect the biases of the writers. I heartily recommend anything by Dr Robert Stoller, even though it is only tangential to your concerns.
Fred writes: First of all, l-keford.com has mostly been about pornography from the production end of things, not from the consumption end of things. People are curious about the babe who has sex in a venue where all can see. They're not as curious about the guy who rents videos, takes them home, and jerks off. I just don't think this is good copy, Luke's masturbation diary, notwithstanding. If the woman in question wants to get some insight into consumers of porn, she should read RAME [newsgroup rec.arts.movies.erotica].
Second, I am always very skeptical when I hear someone say that somebody is "addicted to porn." Normal males tend to like porn. I suppose there are those who must watch it 10 hours a day, and I suppose those people have a problem. However, I believe that such people, if they exist, are few and far between.
Males have sex urges. They also need to eat. They also need to sleep. Am I addicted to sleep? I do it almost 6 hours a day (and as soon as I ditch my law practice, I plan on doing it 8-10 hours a day). I am addicted to food. Two fairly large meals a day. Often with several courses. Am I food addict?
The basic problem with "Shane" is that she does not give us enough information to figure out whether there is a pornography addiction problem, or whether she just has a problem dealing with normal male human sexuality. How many hours a day does her friend watch pornography? How many days a week? How old is this guy? Given a mere allegation that this guy is "addicted to sex", with no additional information, her allegation lacks credibility.
One of my favorite forms of brain candy is to watch Pat Robertson rant on his evening news broadcasts. He loves to point out how "pornography is addictive." Frankly, if there is some guy who likes to look at nastybabes.com on the net, unless he's doing it for hours a day, I doubt there's addiction.
I'm reminded of a documentary by a German film maker named Monica Truett that I saw. There's a segment in the documentary about some woman who is undergoing a sex change operation, and during the course of treatments prior to the operation, they pump her full of testosterone. Lots of it--the equivalent of a dozen teenage boys. And they show her walking down the street, past a news stand, where there's a stack of Playboys. And there's a voice-over where she says, "You know, I used to think that Playboy and Penthouse were ridiculous. But since these testosterone treatments have started, gee, now it makes perfect sense. Now I understand."
Women will always have to deal with the fact that their mates have access, in some sense, to images of other women. Women have essentially always had to deal with that fact. In the age before videos, there were dirty movies. In the age before dirty movies, there were dirty pictures and dirty novels. And throughout all time, prostitution was available. The only real thing that has changed is the ease at which one can obtain some fairly extreme images.
I sincerely doubt that per capita male demand for actual sex has gone down. Now matter how readily available porn is or becomes, I doubt that male interest in real sex has or will diminish. Regarding the blond babes in the videos, the media has always (and will always) bombard us with impossibly good looking, completely unattainable pictures--Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe, Bridgitte Bardot and the picture Luke posts of himself on l-keford.com, for example.
Further, I don't think the typical porn babe is a "knock-out." The girls in a typical Rob Black or Tom Byron video do not seem to me to be "10's". In some of the amateur videos, they're downright ugly. Assuming Shane's boyfriend is in his late teens or twenties, I think I can safely say that as time goes on, his interest in porn will decrease. Trust me on this one. I'm in my forties.
Shane replies: Here's the info you need to determine whether or not what I am talking about is an addiction. One month, I kept track of his usage. In the month of December last year he looked at internet porn an average of 40 minutes a day every day in the month except for 3, and those days he was away with family and there was no computer available. I found that he looked at porn while I was at work, in the bath, at the grocery store, with friends, sleeping and so on. I think it would be safe to say that the only time he wasn't looking was when I was in the room with him. Our sexual relationship was non-existent, he rarely attempted to have sex with me and when I initiated he would often say "I am tired" or "I am not feeling well" or "I am not feeling sexual right now". He frequently lied to me and turned down social outings in order to download and look at porn, movie, pictures, etc. He would block access to his browser in order to hide his usage and installed wipe programs to kill his history. But he was sloppy and I found out about it. If we were talking about drugs or alcohol what would you say then?
On my part I tried to share his interest by renting movies with him, or saying let's look at it together on the net. He occasionally did this with me but I eventually realized that he preferred his solo activities.
Which I suppose raises the obvious question: Was he attracted to me sexually? Was I able to satisfy him sexually? I have asked him this many times and his answer to both questions has always been yes. His official party line was: porn has nothing to do with you. It is separate from you.
He is in his late 20's. I never said he was "addicted to sex" I said he was "addicted to pornography". If he were addicted to sex then I wouldn't be complaining given that I would be enjoying alot of sex with him. I am disturbed by his consumption mainly because he used it as a substitute. Why be in a relationship with someone if you want to look at pictures and get off that way? I am not a female Pat Robertson complaining about my ex boyfriend's "normal male human sexuality".
I enjoy porn too, this is not an absolutely personal moral issue I am talking about. I am very liberal, sexually open person. I have to say that I have NEVER before had to deal with a situation like this. I've gone to see strippers with boyfriends, enjoyed porn with boyfriends, enjoyed porn on my own, and it was never a problem. But when a man can have free access to any kind of sexually explicit imagery at HIS FINGERTIPS, no fuss no muss, HE needs to take some responsibility for his consumption, If you eat too much candy you will get sick, I guarantee it. And I believe that he was sick in that he chose pornography over a healthy sexual relationship with a real woman.
I am very credible. I lived with it almost every day for a year. I know what it was like and it was extremely painful as time went by. I am still healing from it and it will be awhile before I can trust a man again in this way. Despite this, I still personally enjoy pornography and feel it has it's place.
Hi Luke, So are you lying to your rabbi? Or does the subject never come up? How does that work with your moral code? Tell me more about your religion and how you practice it.
And my big question, why are you celibate? What's a nice Jewish guy like you doing without a wife and kids? Sort of joking there, but it isn't family a big part of your religion? Do you think that your career choice has had any impact on that, or have those things never been in the cards for you? And what are you doing over the holidays?
What do you do for pleasure, for fun, your other interests? I notice that alot of people involved in the sex industry tend to really get wrapped up in that identity and that becomes their main focus. Like how the Gay community now tends to relate EVERYTHING to their sexual preference.
Luke replies: I don't talk about my work to my rabbi. If I did, I would not disclose LF.com or porn... Other than that, I practice Judaism in the Orthodox manner. I am celibate because the women I've wanted to marry, have not wanted me. Primarily because I was not making enough money, and did not have a respectable job. My life primarily revolves around my work and the practice of Orthodox Judaism. Except for two exceptions, I've stayed chaste the past 18 months.
Lynne L-patin writes Luke: I fear I have the wrong bird in hand here... Would that I could be fondling your stiff warm cock rather than this stiff cold turkey carcass...
Why Are Jews Obsessed With Jewishness
Months ago Goddess asked me why Jews are always competing over who's a better Jew. Christians don't compete as much over who's more Christian.
I just learned the answer while listening to a tape series on Judaism. The answer is that for 2000 years, Judaism has not had a home. Jews and Judaism have been minorities in alien cultures and have had to reflexively define themselves against the majority culture. Hence Jews obsession with distinguishing themselves from the majority culture and retaining their own distinctive identity. According to Balaam in the Bible, the Jews are a people who dwells apart.
The Jews who are least likely to assimilate are those Jews who keep themselves the most apart from the majority culture - the Orthodox Jews. For us Orthodox Jews, almost all of life's most meaningful and special times are shared exclusively with fellow religious Jews. The most religious Jews essentially only interact with non-Jews to do business with them. So we'll trade with you but it's difficult for us to eat and drink with you. And marrying you is out of the question unless you convert to Orthodox Judaism.
Weirdest Porn Stories 2000
What were the weirdest porn stories this past year? I'm compiling a list. Email Luke
Fred writes: My two favorite porn stories of the year. 1) Ginger Lynn returned to porn and no one cared. 2) Corporate America's entry into Porn.
Almighty Buzz writes: Luke, my brother! Why do you waste our time with those pathetic pictures which are nothing short of blurs on the screen? 75% of the pics you put on your site are so bad that even the relatives of these people wouldn't recognize them. Your pictures are just as bad.
You have a camera. Why not use an exposure which gives you the best possible shot. Who wants to view a grainy crappy picture.
Also, if you want to charge the porn industry for displaying their banners, good show! When you feature banners that lead us down the path to hell because our browsers crash and we have to restart our computers, sometimes losing valuable data, then you are a mother f---er for accepting and showing those asshole's banners on your website.
Finally! Your website is in great need of revisions. Your cramped screen makes it impossible to view anything without getting a migraine headache. It looks like a 2-year old put it together. Nobody designed it because the word "design" carries with it the expectation that somebody was actually a "designer" and no respectable website designer would step forward and put his name on your site.
The new year is upon us. Do yourself and your viewers a service by hiring somebody to design a site for you that is frameless with a large viewing screen. No wonder you are depressed. Your website depresses the hell out of me!