Monday,
November 27th, 2000
Gary Kremens Wins Back Sex.com
XXX writes: Dear Luke: Hello from San Jose! This morning Judge Ware granted Plaintiff Gary Kremen's Motion for Summary Judgment, ruling from the bench that as a matter of law the domain sex.com was stolen by Defendant Stephen Michael Cohen. The Judge ordered NSI to immediately return the domain registration of sex.com to Plaintiff Gary Kremen. In addition, Judge Ware granted a permanent injunction against further transfers of money to overseas banks, ordered deposit of $25 million dollars to the court against damages, and ordered Cohen to provide a full accounting of all profits from 1995 to the present.
Read today's story in the San Jose Mercury News, written before the decision.
Alien writes on Netpond: Well, whats the deal here??? Luke F-rd breaks the sex.com story and AVN.com is still wondering about the outcome or something by only showing an article that does not read the outcome of sex.com's case today in San Jose CA. Something strange is amuck when one man can out do the industries "best" resource for Adult News with droves of people following the pulse of Adult Entertainment... But then again I guess this does not ascertain to Adult Video News cause its a web related issue? No love lost AVN but damn...
From Judge Ware's Ruling:
The Court finds that plaintiff has clearly established (1) a likelihood of success on the merits, (2) that he faces a significant threat of irreparable injury if hte requested relief is not granted at this time, (3) that the balance of hardships tips sharply in plaintiff's favor, and (4) that the public interest will not be disserved by granting the injunction...
Furthermore, the evidence demonstrates that defendants, including Mr. Cohen in particular, appear to have thwarted plaintiff's efforts to obtain discovery of financial information, to have engaged in activities designed to conceal money they have made from the operatio nof the sex.com website, and to have transferred substantial assets to entities for the purpose of avoiding ultimate financial responsibility at th conclusion of this litigation. These wrongful activities have accelerated in recent weeks, and the threat of irreparable injury to plaintiff is imminent.
Read a transcript of Cohen's deposition. Cohen Part Two Cohen Part Three Cohen Part Four
Luke says: In his deposition, Cohen said he only received a salary of $12,000 per year. And for expenses, he received $6.5 million. Cohen recently purchased a three million dollar house. Stephen had put in a million dollars downpayment. He has numerous bank accounts and numerous corporations which appear like classic money laundering schemes.
On Cohen's home loan application, he represented that he earned $100,000 a month from Omnitec, a company (created by Cohen?), which claims that he does not have an employment agreement and has no tax returns relating to him.
The State of Nevada doesn't have tax records for any of Cohen's corporations. They're all incorporated in Nevada. I suspect that most of Cohen's money flows to his British Virgin Islands accounts. The BVI is well known for its laws guaranteeing secret banking.
From 1992-94, Cohen served about two years in prison for impersonating a lawyer.
Some of the best money finders in the world at the US Justice Department have not been able to track Cohen's money.
Stephen Cohen tried to keep 50% of his deposition secret but the judge overruled him. Cohen's so smooth and evasive that he didn't give any information which could be considered confidential.
Kremen's lawyers tried to get out of Cohen how exactly I had harmed him to the extent of $50 million (as alleged in Cohen's suit against me) and Cohen could not come up with anything specific.
Stephen's third legal wife, Karen Cohen, says that Stephen had CIA involvement when Stephen was in Panama. Stephen's supposedly a friend of Manuel Noriega.
It's not clear that this is true. It's not clear that Cohen was ever in Panama or he just told his wife that. But Karen says that the CIA came to her directly and asked for files. I don't know if our government has some interest in seeing him succeed.
Now Stephen's married to Rosa Montoya, a woman with big money ties in Mexico. Cohen's consolidated most of his operation in Tijuana, Mexico.
Why isn't this story of interest to 20/20 or Dateline or 60 Minutes? Instead we just get these lame lazy articles.
Cohen asked that the following portion from his deposition be considered confidential. But the judge denied Cohen's motion.
It's interesting that those parts of Cohen's deposition where he talks about f---ing and sucking six women for five hours, he did not ask that they be kept confidential. No that part of it doesn't embarrass him at all. It's the operative parts of the case - how he got the domain name sex.com. Who helped him to steal it and where the money's gone.
Cohen's a charmer. He can play a room. He loves the litigation game. There are people for whom conflict is a stimulant. And Cohen's lawyer Robert Dorban is a pleasant guy.
Cohen's Sporting Houses management thing was obviously a securities scam with convicted securities defrauder Marshal Zault. He and Zault made off with $300,000 from a bunch of dumb people. And that money was probably the seed money for Sex.com. Because right after that scam, they took off to Tijuana and created Sex.com.
Prosecutors and FBI agents get up in the morning and they've got their hands full already. They don't need to look up another scam. Prosecutors wait to hear from many people screaming. With Sex.com, who's been hurt? One entrepreneur in San Francisco. It doesn't raise a clamor. Gary's a rich guy anyway.
Cohen's spent his time in jail thinking how not do time anymore. Because he was much sloppier with his scams in the old days. So he stole Sex.com, and started shipping his money offshore through Electronic Fund Transfer. And Kremen and company will never get it. Cohen never needed to send his cash flow through traditional channels. He just skipped over taxes etc...
He doesn't have big chunks of cash coming in, so cash reporting requirements are nonexistent. He's just billing people's credit cards.
Cohen loved owning Sex.com. You can get everybody to look at you if you have a beautiful girl on your arm. But everybody really looks if you have Sex.com in your palm. It makes him feel important and it's hard for him to give that up.
When Cohen went into prison, what did he have? He had a redneck wife, Karen, who did not want to give up on him. Karen was sweet and simple and he had her...
He had high aspirations. When he went to prison, he decided he was going to do better. He pulled up his socks, pulled off a big caper and husbanded the assets.
History Of How Cohen Lost The Domain
Miami Voter writes on Netpond:
Cohen made only ONE mistake. In 1997 he went after 3 sex related domains: SexQ.com (Dokk's), HotSex.com (Mike & guys from Boston) Sexia.com (Serge's).
First one didn't matter, Dokk called FBI, he thought he had something going, FBI told him: suck our dicks and that was the end of Dokk's struggle.
Guy from Hotsex.com called his lawyers and mounted strong opposition against Cohen. Incidently, HE discovered KREMEN, pennyless wonder, claiming to be the original owner of sex.com, but having difficulties paying his San Francisco female attorney. HotSex.com told Serge about Kremen.
Serge, who was blasting Cohen on YNOT board and who was sued by Cohen for sexia.com made 2 decissions:
1) give Cohen sexia.com without fight
2) get TOP go-getters with proven track records after Cohen.
Yishai claims 'till this day that he didn't understand Serge' heavy russian accent when Serge told him that Yishai can own sex.com 'cuz Serge knew the REAL owner.
Seth Warshawsky and Ron Levi DID understood Serge's English. Serge was offered part of sex.com in exchange for financing of law suit, but Serge said: GET THIS DOMAIN AWAY FROM COHEN, THIS WILL BE MY ULTIMATE SATISFACTION.
And this is how Cohen, the "napoleon" who burnt Moscow and lost the war (per serge's posts on YNOT) lost his prized sex.com.
If he was smart and didn't touch hotsex.com and Serge in 1997, none of you would know about existence of Mr. Kremen.
Cohen, as I recall, you were wished brain cancer in 1997. You don't have it, you only lost $1,000,000 a month domain, that's all, do you feel lucky, punk?
Ron Levi helped fund Kremen's lawsuit in exchange for sex.com. Serge still has faxes from Levi saying that he would own one-third of Sex.com. But Serge only wanted the satisfaction of creaming Cohen.
Miami Voter says: RB was supposed to settle with the FTC Monday and pay everybody. I'm still waiting. Meanwhile, his nonpayment is having a ripple effect throughout the industry.
It's no secret that Levi and RB have always been competitors and there's no love lost between them. But there's no way that Levi would invoke nuclear weapons against RB and the FTC is a nuclear weapon. And a nuclear weapon not only destroys your enemy, it destroys yourself as well.
Yeah Levi's a hot head, but he knows how to control himself. When Penthouse threatened him with a lawsuit for using their name in his metatags, he at first said screw you. Then he settled for $10,000.
Here's a snippet from Cohen Part Three:
Q: Now, you filed a lawsuit in your individual capacity against Luke F-rd fairly recently, didn't you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you did that because he wrote some things about you you didn't like, right?
A. You could say that, sir.
Q. That's right. And you brought that lawsuit with Ynata as a co-plaintiff, didn't you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And that's the Ynata of the British Virgin 18 Islands, right?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you -- you were concerned because you thought what Mr. Ford wrote was going to cause you economic loss, right?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Do you recall a complaint was filed on your behalf by Mr. Dorband's firm alleging that your economic loss exceeded $15 million?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Do they?
A. I think if you look at the lawsuit, sir, you'll see there's more than one party in that lawsuit.
Q. Well, I'll read your paragraph, paragraph 11, from your complaint filed in Oregon -- excuse me, filed in the Central District of California.
A. What I'm stating, sir, is I believe there's more than one plaintiff.
Q. I'm asking the questions. I'll read a statement, paragraph 11, of your complaint: As a result of defendant's defamatory statements, plaintiff Cohen has sustained economic losses in an amount exceeding $15 million. Is that an accurate statement?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. You personally have suffered damages exceeding $15 million, right?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And that's caused by Mr. Ford, right?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. This is $50,000 you've lost in possible profits, right, that you could have earned but for this terrible defamatory statement made by Luke F-rd, right?
A. The Luke F-rd statement, sir, had nothing to do with Gary Kremen.
A. I think we sued him for $50 million. I don't know if I necessarily calculated $50 million, number one. And number two is that Mr. Ford's statements -- he alleged criminal activity with unknown parties, racketeering, and all sorts of crazy things that never took place with 18 people we never heard of, and it was a fabrication. The whole story was a fabrication.
Q. Okay. And that's a cause of economic damage to you personally, right?
A. I don't know if necessarily to me personally. I consider it damage.
Q. Whatever state your reputation was in prior to his writing the article, he's caused additional damage to it?
A. He's caused additional damages to me. It's my position that I've got a terrible past. We all know it. There's nobody in this room that doesn't know it. And it's something unfortunate that I've done and I'm responsible for. But there comes a point in a man's life where he's allowed to rehabilitate. There comes a point in a man's life where he's allowed to change. There comes a point in a man's life where his reputation can be further damaged.
Q. Well, I just want to make sure that your allegation is based on your own belief, which is you allege that you have suffered in excess of $50 million as a result of Mr. Ford's statements, right?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. The damage you've suffered as a result of Mr. Ford's statements are separate and apart from whatever damage you've suffered as a result of whatever Mr. Kremen has said about you, right?
A. That is correct.
Q. Are any of the $50 million lost financial opportunities?
A. I don't know that, sir.
Q. Have you lost any financial opportunities as a result.
A. I don't know, sir. Me personally? We're talking me personally?
Q. Sure.
A. I don't know that, sir. I had people tell me they wouldn't do business with me based on racketeering.
Q. Okay. Who?
A. I don't know. I'd have to go back and look, sir.
Q. Do you keep records of it?
A. Usually when people are negative toward me, I don't keep.
Q. Do you have any records of those communications?
A. I'd have to sit down with myself and have a hard thought about it.
Q. Have you had any discussion with anyone who says that statements Mr. Kremen has made about you has caused you to lose business?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Who?
A. Numerous. I've had calls from Jordan Levinson, which I've already testified to. I had calls from a lot of people that have read the Wired News article, sir.
Q. Any of those people also call you about 2 Mr. Ford's article?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Okay. Now, did you see an allegation in this lawsuit that said that as a result of Mr. Ford's statements that Ynata had already lost sex.com advertising revenues worth $2 million per month? Did you see that?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Is that an accurate statement?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And that Ynata had sustained economic losses in an amount exceeding $50 million?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Has Ynata sustained economic damages resulting from Mr. Ford's article in excess of $50 million?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Have you made any effort to quantify that number?
A. Just discussions, sir.
Q. All right. And, again, that 50 million is separate and apart from whatever damages Ynata has suffered, if any, as a result of Mr. Kremen's comments?
A. It has nothing to do with Mr. Kremen, sir.
Q. How did you come up with the figure $2 million 21 per month?
A. That was the cost of the ad, sir.
Q. What ad was it?
A. A banner ad, sir.
Q. What banner ad was it?
A. I don't know, sir. I don't handle the advertising, as I've already testified to numerous times in this deposition, sir.
Q. How do you intend to prove your damages against -- how do you intend to prove the damages of Ynata if you go forward against Luke F-rd?
A. Luke F-rd's lawsuit, sir, is a completely different lawsuit. It has nothing to do with the Kremen matter. Luke F-rd's lawsuit, sir, had to deal with racketeering, criminal activity that was totally unrelated to Mr. Kremen in any way, form, or shape. He alleged through his articles -- and this is the only thing that we limited that particular lawsuit to, was the criminal activity that we were engaged in, when in fact these people that we were supposed to be engaged with, we never knew, never heard of, never met, never had any relationship with; they've never met us, never heard of us, and it is a complete fabrication. Now, Mr. Ford had printed articles --
Q. Let me interrupt for a second. You allege in that lawsuit that Ynata suffered a loss of business as a result of Mr. Ford's articles, right?
A. That is correct.
Q. How will you go about trying to prove -- what documents will you use, what will you look to -- to prove that Ynata lost business?
A. Very simple. Bring Jordan Levinson in, have him explain who the clients were that were lost, and we'll proceed against Mr. Ford. But that has really nothing to do with this action in any way, form, or shape. What I was going to say is that at one time Mr. Ford had printed articles about what Mr. Kremen had to say and what Mr. Carreon had to say. However, we decided not to pursue that. And we at this point, as of -- I speak at this moment right at this day have no intentions of proceeding against Mr. Kremen or his attorney relative to Luke F-rd. I don't see -- without being disrespectful, sir, I don't see what damn business it is of anybody in this room other than my counsel and myself. It isn't against your client.
AVN Awards For Sale
MikeSouth.com writes: The 1994 AVN trophy for best group sex scene is scheduled to be auctioned with other sports and entertainment memorabilia on Dec 7th and 8th. The auction house is Lelands and the opening bid is 500 dollars
What's Mark Kulkis's Take?
Snitch writes Gene Ross: "First off, would you set the record straight, especially to Farrell over at Xplor that I'm not Mark Kulkis? Secondly, I'm curious to what Kulkis' take is on this whole Ken Wood/ AVN mess that's playing out right now on l-keford.com. Have you spoken to Kulkis? I'm thinking his loyalty was to you, not so much to Fishbein, and if there was any skeletons in the closet, he'd know about a few of them, too. What, Fishbein's going to f--- with Larry Flynt? No, I don't think so."
Luke says: Mark Kulkis served as managing editor for about three years at Adult Video News. He probably knows where many bodies are buried. He was succeeded by the controversial Bryn Pryor.
Mark Kulkis writes Gene Ross: "Gene: I'm writing in response to Snitch's query on your site today. What's my take on the Ken Wood mess? Are there skeletons hidden in the AVN closet? Would I dare to reveal them? Gene, you know that I am a stand-up guy and as such, I absolutely refuse any comment...that is, until after I see how many AVN Award nominations I get tomorrow.
Tod Hunter Sets Up His Own Email Account
From AVNGossip.com, Tod Hunter writes: "I've set up a separate e-mail account at todhunterathome@hotmail.com. Anybody who wants to get in touch with me without passing through the AVN servers is welcome to contact me there. I'm not saying that my e-mail is being monitored - personally, I don't know and I don't care; I'm an open book - but we all know that it can happen and you may not share my laissez-faire attitude. As the name implies, I won't even ACCESS it from the office, so don't expect a prompt reply. Off-the-record requests will be honored, as well as hold-this-until-this-date requests. Haven't made up my mind whether to use blind items or not, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
Luke: This is an interesting reaction to last week's revelation that AVN VP Darren Roberts, on publisher Paul Fishbein's request, has been snooping through employee's emails, checking to see who might be giving Luke F-rd scoop.
Perhaps porn sources will now be loathe to contact AVNers via email. So as a precaution, Tod Hunter's setting up his own private account, as should any AVNer wanting privacy in their email communications.
It had long been whispered by AVNers that Roberts was snooping through employee's computers, but this allegation only came to light last week with Gene Ross's startling interview with Ken Wood, former AVN managing editor.
Paul "Captain Queeg" Fishbein
I hear that over the last five days Adult Video News publisher Paul Fishbein has resembled the Captain Queeg character in the Herman Wouk novel "The Caine Mutiny."
On my site and Gene Ross, we've released evidence that Fishbein, through his VP Darren Roberts, monitors their employees email to see who might be giving me scoop.
Gene Ross will be my special guest on Luke F-rd Live Tuesday afternoon.
I've revealed that former AVN managing editor Bryn Pryor (Mark Logan) was arrested and convicted in the Spring of 1999 for possession of stolen computers that Pryor brought into the AVN offices. Pryor served jail time as well as picked up trash beside highways for CalTrans as punishment.
This has been the best bashing I've given AVN since last December when I revealed Paul Fishbein's secret investment with Rob Spallone and Russ Hampshire's Babenet in an internet porn shooting house which ended up making no money. I've heard that a problem was technical ineptitude with Babenet, whose servers frequently crashed when talkshow host Howard Stern plugged the site realpornworld.com.
AVN's websites are hosted by Babenet. VCA owner Russell Hampshire has a considerable financial interest in Babenet.
AVN's Vice President Darren Roberts came to AVN from Babenet. And he's VCA man at AVN, making sure that Fishbein and company operate according to Hampshire's wishes.
Walter says: Luke, I get a kick out of your Mary Poppins portrayal of AVN publisher Paul Fishbein. Fishbein was just going insane last December when you broke his secret investment with Babenet story. Just bouncing off the walls.
I enjoy reading your site to get the uninformed opinions of people like Goddess and Lysa Stone. Stuff about ex-employees with axes to grind.
AVN writer Ken Michaels is revising history. Ken started dating Renee Johnson (then a clerk) when AVN moved to the office in Van Nuys in 1996.
Then in 1998, Renee Johnson threatened a sexual harassment suit against the AVN managing editor of the time Bryn Pryor. So in exchange for her dropping the suit, Pryor went to anger management classes and Renee got this cushy job of ostensibly running the conventions for AVN as well as a company car. They gave it to her to keep her happy and away from bringing suit.
Ken Michaels says it wasn't a sexual harassment suit. He's full of it. Of course it was. Whether he called her a dumb cunt bitch whore or whatever... It certainly wasn't that Bryn was trying to get in her pants.
That convention division of AVN is one of those divisions of Paul Fishbein's empire (he's got more companies than I have fingers and toes) where you really don't know what the hell is going on. Avanstar effectively runs the conventions. They just bought AVN's name.
Lysa Stone wrote in defense of Tod Hunter. Well, yeah, but it comes down to this. Tod used his influence at AVN to nominate his girlfriend Sonja Redd for Best New Starlet when nobody else at AVN thought she deserved this. But Tod ramrodded that through.
It's fine for AVNers to date porn stars but don't use your influence to get them nominations and awards. Keep your two cents out of their f---ing careers.
December is going to be a fun month leading up to the AVN Awards. We'll have plenty of bombshells.
Paul Fishbein should've bribed Gene Ross to stay home.
Before Paul hired Darren Roberts, major webmasters warned people, watch out for Darren Roberts. He's a slimy operator. And it is vibe that people get upon meeting him.
You should see this Wired magazine cover from two years ago. A Norman Rockwell style painting of a town meeting. And the guy on the cover looks exactly like Darren Roberts with that same open-jawed blank stare.
Of course Roberts affair with Fishbein's secretary Lisa Love is ongoing. Of course it is disruptive. People are left with the sense that certain people at AVN hold on to their jobs because of certain "influences." And she's not the only one there because of that.
If you only saw the X-rated video Adult Video Nudes, written by Gene Ross for AVN's tenth anniversary. Tony Tedeschi plays Paul Fishbein.
Now, Fishbein's stipulation for making the movie was 'I don't want my character to have sex.' So Tedeschi has a non-sex role. But throughout the movie, whenever things get tense, he's rolling these weighted steel balls together in his right hand, like Bogart does in The Caine Mutiny. And everybody who saw that movie and knew Paul, said that Tedeschi had Fishbein down to a T. His mannerisms and everything.
From AVN.com: The Money Shot, a mainstream video series being produced for release in Websites like ifilm.com, Always i, Icebox.com, MediaTrip and AVN Live, is looking for adult performers to play themselves in cameo roles.
The series is a dark comedy about the business side of the adult business being produced by AVN's Paul Fishbein. The various Websites that are carrying the series get millions of visitors each month, and we have high hopes of taking the series to another level - either as a film or half-hour series for cable.
All actors get copy, credit, meals, tons of great exposure & deferred pay. Performers interested in appearing in the series should contact Bryn Pryor at 818.718.5788, xt. 152 or e-mail bryn@carbonbasedfilms.com for more info.
I Am Curious Yellow Part Deux
Goddess writes: Luke, wasn't Gene responsible for doing a lot of the hiring at AVN while he worked there? And if so, why aren't you resentful of Gene the way you are Paul?
Luke says: I've resented Gene in the past and I've taken it out on him on this site. But for the last 18 months, and for most of the last 27 months, Gene and I have made a separate peace.
In other words, for two years, Gene's been my friend and Paul hasn't. Gene's taken my phone calls and emails, while Paul hasn't. Gene's talked to me while Paul hasn't.
During this time I've bashed Gene as hard as Paul. Yet Gene's shrugged it off while Paul's hated me. Paul has more passionately sought to encourage porners not to speak to me.
Gene's my peer. He's treated me fairly. We've slugged it out.
Paul operates on another dimension. He's perhaps porn's most powerful man.
High journalistic principles on my part, no?
Chaim Amalek writes about Gene Ross and Paul Fishbein: I have never and likely will never meet or communicate with either of these gentle men; hence, my picture of them comes entirely through your words. You seem to portray the former as a Man's Man; the latter as a short, lawyer-wielding weasel. Of course, you have also taken great pains to inform us that the former is a sturdy gentile with "whipcord thighs", the latter a short but clever rich jew. Are you not being a tad antisemitic here, Luke? Accurate or not, your characterizations play into certain anti-semitic stereotypes that have vexed my people for many years. Please take greater care not to serve those interests that do not serve our interests.
Revisionist History
Ken Michaels, AVN Online Technical Editor, writes Luke: I can't believe what is obviously such a carefully calculated attack is already showing cracks.
One example from today's postings: "...in 1998, Renee Johnson threatened a sexual harassment suit..."
So now it's "threatened" a law suit? Funny, last time she had "brought" a law suit -- "brought" in this context usually taken to mean "filed." What next, she "won" a law suit?
Also, Ken Wood says the quote you and Gene attribute to him about "Freeway Beautification" didn't come from him. So... who's revising history?
Regardless, I stand by what I wrote -- what about the word "clarify" does your source ("Paul Fishbein should've bribed Gene Ross to stay" at AVN -- are you confirming Gene as your source?) not understand? If the subtleties of the English language escape any of you, next time I can use small words.
Speaking of clarification: I AM NOT Randy Kaplan, aka Rich C. Leather. One fat bearded guy who works for AVN looks like the next, I guess.
Have a nice day, everybody -- even you, Luke, and your source -- Gene, or whoever.
David Aaron Clark - Give Me A Chance
Director David Aaron Clark writes on RAME: As in the "real" movies, an editor can save or destroy a show. Far too many so-called porn "auteurs" don't know what the inside of an editing bay looks like, much less how to do it themselves. Generally speaking, a director who doesn't at least sit in on most of the editing of his own movie is not a director who's worth a s--- -- exception being certain director/shooters, whose footage is so tight and no-frills that it's pretty self-explanatory.
I think Slain Wayne is a guy not only with great ideas with one of the most solid set of filmmaking skills going amongst my generation of X-directors. I'd love to see him get a chance at the kind of wretched budgetary excess Tom Z. enjoyed on "Days of Whore." Hell, I'd like to see ME get that kind of chance.
Katja, Jessica Drake, Sylvia, Zoe, Shay, Kamiko, Teens
Amused writes Quasarmanrants.com: Here's a personal question for you. How did a triangle-headed porn loser like yourself hook up with such a hot babe like your wife? Hypnosis? Roofies? Black Mail? I mean come on! Luke F-rd's way better lookin' than you and he's always bitchin' that he can't find a woman and then you snag a real hottie (albeit not a Jewish hottie). What is your secret?
Q replies: I've always felt that my head was more oblong than triangular but that's beside the point. Those of us who are aethestically challenged realize that in order to capture the love of a beautiful woman one's personality must be of a higher calibre than the truly handsome. This should be elementary by now. It is the premise for both the Hunchback of Notre Dame and the Elephant Man. Luke F-rd is indeed more attractive than I but his personality bears shocking similarities to many infamous serial killers - the nervous laugh, the long periods of silence, the almost laser-like eyes which both leer and penetrate. In short, he is creepy. My wife may not have scored a man with GQ good looks but there is very little danger of my chopping her up with a hack saw and sprinkling her body parts in our garden.
Newcomer Elizabeth In Horrendous Gangbang
Vegas Vic writes: This cute newcomer has only done two videos. Her first performance was in "Real Sex Magazine Vol. 36". The promo for the video states "19 year-old Elizabeth is from Nevada. This girl looks like she should be on the cover of a fashion magazine, but we like her better on the cover of Real Sex Magazine! " You can see a couple of photos from the video at the following link: http://www.realsexmagazine.com/videopage.cfm?ID=rsm36
For her second performance, she chose to do a gang bang scene from some fly by night company named "Nymph Pictures". The professionals at Nymph couldn't even get the spelling correct on the video label, which proudly boasts the title "Gand Bang Volume 1". There is absolutely no planning or scripted set up for the beginning of this video.
It opens up in a trash covered office with Elizabeth sitting on the floor, looking bored and smoking a cigarette while making small talk with the cameraman. While she speaks, she appears to be thinking to herself "What the f--- am I doing here?" Speaking of the cameraman, he must have gotten his vidcam on sale from the Walmart electronics center.
After finishing her cigarette and some more small talk, five or six homeless people wander into the office and the sex commences. I really got the impression that this was a last minute venture without any significant planning.
There is only one camera used in the video, and the jerky motion of the cameraman as he walks around the action is similar to the camerawork in "The Blair Witch Project", only this time the shakiness is unintentional. At the end of the scene, the moneyshots ensue. As Elizabeth waits with a cringe on her face, the indigents one by one make their way into the picture, and all but a couple shoot their loads before they get anywhere near Elizabeth. A couple of them do manage to get a little bit on her face, then the video ends abruptly.
This video is reminiscent to one that Kim Chambers did six or seven years ago. She had only been in the business for a brief period, and then she made some low budget piece of crap gang bang video that still turns up on Leisure Time compilation videos. It's a shame that these girls don't market themselves better. Imagine how much better off they would be if they started out slowly and built up a name for themselves before venturing into more extreme scenes. Then, at that point, if they wanted to do a gang bang, why not sign with a quality company like Anabolic and get the most publicity and name recognition out of it?
Mike Miller writes: Luke, Elizabeth also works under the name Crystal and is another model found by Lace Productions. She is orginally from Las Vegas and was found by "Uncle Jessie" who is Lace Productions lead agent in Las Vegas. You will be hearing more about Uncle Jessie after CES, he has started his own production company and will be putting out a line of videos with the older man younger girl theme.
My beef this time Luke: Why does Vegas Vic care is they misspelled Gangbang of the cover of the video? Will that stop him from spanking off to that video? Vegas Vic evidently has way too much time to sit and scrutinize every aspect of a porn video? Vic GET A LIFE.
Kendra Jade Maid
I talked to Kendra Jade Sunday afternoon. Listen to our conversation here.
Kendra: "Whatcha doing?"
Luke: "Thinking about you. What you doing?"
Kendra: "I'm sitting here folding the laundry. I'm so domesticated."
Luke: "What are you wearing?"
Kendra: "Boxers and a tank top. And I am watching my two younger sisters fight and almost break my dishes. They're trying to do them and they're arguing.
"They're staying for a few weeks. The oldest one may stay indefinitely."
Luke: "Are you going to try to get her into the industry?"
Kendra: "No. She's 13."
Luke: "Do you think that is too young?"
Kendra: "I'll break her neck. And in the meantime, I'm also babysitting my friend's baby who is two months old.
"What else is up?"
Luke: "I'm dating too many women to keep track of... Three."
Kendra: "Why? Do they know?"
Luke: "About all the women I'm seeing. Well, they do if they read my website."
Kendra: "You sneaky bastard."
Luke: "I'm not having sex with any of them."
Kendra: "So that makes it ok?"
Luke: "Yes."
Kendra: "That does not make it ok."
Luke: "We haven't approached an exclusive relationship yet with any of them."
Kendra: "Yes, but a relationship is a relationship. If you're trying to have one with one person, you shouldn't get into one with another. So how could you know where one could be if you're too busy with lots of different women?"
Luke: "Good point. But the women I'm seeing are dating other people too. And Luke F-rd don't care about no chick that dates other fellas."
Kendra: "Then it's just purely about dating. You're not interested in meeting anyone that you truly want to spend time with."
Luke: "I want to get married."
Kendra exasperated: "Then you can't date women who are dating other men."
Luke: "My therapist thinks I am unrealistic and that I am a wimp with women."
Kendra: "You should choose Persian Kitty, the dietician. She'll keep you the healthiest."
Luke: "But she watches too much TV."
Kendra: "How do you meet all these dieticians? I need a dietician."
Luke: "There are a lot of Jewish female dieticians."
Kendra: "I need to lose some weight."
We call PK but she's not home.
Kendra: "I need to lose 25 pounds. I weigh 120 pounds and I'm 5'1". It's not that I'm fat."
Luke: "You're just big boned."
Kendra: "That's not even it because I spend most of my time on the road dancing. So most of my weight is muscle. I don't have any cellulite. I just think it looks manly when your legs start to look big. My legs are rockhard from all the dancing. So I need to lose weight and look feminine but still stay toned."
Luke: "You need a personal trainer."
Kendra: "I do. Why can't you start dating one of those? C'mon Luke, hook me up."
Luke: "That was so fun the other night when I took you to the Jewish Singles Coffee House."
Kendra: "That was crazy. You say don't say nothing [about porno] to anybody and then everybody starts saying stuff to you."
Luke: "What did the guys say to you?"
Kendra: "It was the cheesiest lines, Luke. It was so bad. 'So, what do you do? Where are you from? What kind of things do you do for fun?'"
Luke: "Did they know who you were?"
Kendra: "The one guy said to me, 'You look really familiar. I'm not sure why. What do you do?' I said, 'Oh, I'm an actress.' And he's like, 'Really, what kind of stuff have you been in?' And I go, 'You know, different things. Nothing too important.' And then people are coming up to you and going, 'Luke F-rd, your website... Blah, blah, blah... I love porn.'
"There are two different problems. I liked it. It would've been cool if I was a normal person. But in the same breath, anything that you go to involving porn, you already feel like you are at a meat market. And that that's the only reason people want to talk to you. I kinda felt the same way there, like everybody just wanted to pick you up. So I didn't dig that vibe. However, the social going out and meeting new people, that was cool. If I thought they were actually interested in meeting new people, and not just someone to take home. But of course, you're just a horndog looking for somebody to take home."
Luke: "That's not true."
Kendra: "Then why are you dating 20,000 women?"
Luke: "I haven't had sex in 17 months."
Kendra: "Lukey, that's a long f---ing time. No wonder you're so insane. You've had no form of release. I think I need to get you a hooker."
Luke: "It's just not spiritual."
Kendra: "I'll take you down to the Bunny Ranch. I'll hook you up with a nice girl."
Concerned writes: Next time ask Kendra what she would do if her 13 year old sister started sticking pages from the Holy Bible up her ass?
Fred writes: So, sir, if you haven't been laid in so many months, and Kendra is obviously a good friend who is rather free about these things, how come you and her don't get together to take care of these things?
Also, do you suppose her 13 year old sister (who lives with her) knows what she does for a living? (I can't imagine that she doesn't know.)
Video Porn In Europe
Ian writes: Hi Luke, Your site recently included the following:
From the 10/24/00 International Herald Tribune: "Virtually all cable TV operators in Europe offer at least a few adult programming channels. Sky TV, which belongs to Rupert Murdoch's BSkyB, offers the Adult Channel. Vivendi SA's Canal Plus, Europe's largest pay-TV operator with about 14 million subscribers in 11 countries, shows hard-core porn after 10:30 at night on its Kioske pay-per-view service. In Germany, soft-core porn is shown on commercial TV after 10 p.m., and hard-core porn is limited to digital channels such as Premiere that require a subscription and a decoder. Kioske is now bringing Playboy TV, regarded as a soft porn channel, to Europe in two weeks with a nightly four-hour block of programming starting at 8 p.m."
Since you apparently believe that your site readers are interested in this kind of thing, perhaps I could add something on the situation in Britain. I subscribe to NTL's cable service, and to its 'adult' channels, namely 'The Adult Channel' and 'Television X'. Playboy TV, which your newspaper extract says is coming to Europe in two weeks, has been coupled with The Adult Channel for years. I know, because I have watched it. All these channels are 'soft core', hard core still being illegal on British TV, even when encrypted so that only adults can see it. The retail market, however, has opened up because the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC), which is responsible for classifying (and censoring) video as well as film, were forced, earlier this year, by the opinion of their advisory board, which was then supported in court, to allow hard core videos to be sold in UK sex shops under a classification 'R18'.
A large number of hardcore videos has since been passed for sale. Certification is allowed to all 'normal' heterosexual and homosexual hard core, but anything unusual (involvement with minors, violence, fetishes) are likely still to be disqualified. This weakening of censorship has made it easier to buy hardcore here, even if one doesn't go to a sex shop. The police seem much less likely to pursue hardcore retailers for selling items which can be purchased openly on the High Street. All this has put pressure on the 'adult' cable channels to strengthen their offerings, and I have noticed a slight relaxation in what the TV censors regard as acceptable. However, hardcore is still outlawed on British television, though one does hear more voices nowadays saying that the restrictions should be relaxed. Interestingly, mainstream television (especially Channels 4 and 5) have been chasing ratings by putting on sexy programmes (for instance, the current Channel 5 series, 'G-string Divas') which are quite as attractive, to porn watchers like me, as anything on the encrypted channels.
Angelica Sweet's Sweet Face
Tango Jim writes on RAME: Just finished watching Private's "Riviera 2" and have to mention about how gorgeous Angelica Sweet is. Tall and slender european body but what a face! She reminds me of Carole Bouquet (from 007 For Your Eyes Only) with those ice cold but drop dead beautiful eyes. Her face is typical of the fashion models I usually see on the E-Channel.
World's Biggest Anal Gangbang 4
Savio writes: Hey Luke, What ever happened to this World's Biggest Anal Gang Bang No.4 that was scheduled for last weekend, the participants being HOUSTON & NICOLE SHERIDAN ???. The Circus of Anal web site does not appear to have been updated for months. And is it true that TIANNA is making a porno comeback ?
I Am Curious Yellow
Goddess writes: Please explain why this "AVN in trouble" thing is giving you such a woody? You've often said how you admire Paul Fishbein, so why are you relishing the problems he's having as of late? I don't understand what your motivation is. And skip that psychological b.s. What's the *real* deal?
Luke replies: I do like Paul and I do relish the problems he's been having and will have in the coming weeks. Because it is a big story. Adult Video News (AVN) is probably the most powerful force in the adult industry. Nobody has ever been able to nail them before. I think I've come closest. The story intrinsically gets me excited. And its personal too, because they've always refused to hire me in any capacity.
Ian writes: Have I got this right? AVN is in deep trouble because some of the senior staff may have accepted, even sought, sexual favours from prospective employees and attractive members of the porn community? Surely that's half the fun of working in the industry! If I ever wanted to work in the porn industry it would be partly for the prospect of earning and getting such favours. Unfortunately, I can only fantasise about it, but I'd never criticize anybody who was presented with the chances I never had for taking advantage of them. There's also other gossip about the office politics of AVN, which just sounds like the kind of things one would learn about any large corporation from disgruntled employees (of which there's never a shortage.) Where's the scandal? Of course, I may have missed it by misreading your reports.
Goddess writes: Hmmm, I gotta agree with Ian on this one, Luke. What's the big deal? It's porn, not matters of national security. I know there's a lot of money generated by the porn biz, and maybe it's just a reflection of my cynicism, but I'd be more shocked to find out they *weren't* accepting sexual favors at AVN. Another question I have for you, though, is that if you really believe the mag is corrupt, why are you insulted they won't hire you?
Luke: I don't believe AVN is any more corrupt than I am. I'd like some easy money. I hear the porn industry is worth billions. I want some. And AVN pays reliably and has great connections with the industry. And it would be such a challenge to work for them, such a dramatic shift for me. It would be a great pro wrestling move.
Ian writes: "Joe: the reason why i called her (Kendra Jade) a whore is she calls herself one.every time i see her on t.v. (howard stern ) she admits being a whore. if she wasnt she would not be playing butt billionaire.i just think she really loves sex not like jasmin and when you like what your doing you just do it better.thats what i meant by no disrespect but she will be the first to tell you she is a whore. "
Kendra Jade may call herself a whore to pre-empt abuse from those (and your column has thrown up a number of examples of the type) who want to insult her. However, 'whore' is insulting, and anyone who genuinely wanted to show respect to Ms Jade would call her something like a 'porn actress' or 'porn star', descriptions which are just as accurate, but not hateful. I enjoy porn myself, and am only grateful to those who provide it - it would be daft of me to despise them for it.
Visual Homosexuality Not Genetic
Dudley Moore writes: Luke, all one has to do is search on the Web to note the strong association between lesbianism/homosexuality, the visual arts, and homosexual "visual culture." In my last post, I proposed that pre-oedipal homosexuality is plainly one outcome of a purely visual(rather than emotion-based)socialization wherein an individual's standards for development are based merely on "looking like" one's significant others, including peers, rather than on a much more basic, healthy emotional bonding with one's parents. Because one's parents were emotionally unavailable, normal psychosexual development in some children is bypassed in favor of a strictly visual, rather than the normal emotion-based socialization in relationship to one's parents. This happens, for instance, when parents are openly rejecting or disapproving of a girl child's sex. Worldwide, of course, this rejection most often occurs with girl children who are frequently rejected by their parents, most often by the mother, because of their sex. The sex of girl infants is rejected probably by as many as hundreds of millions of parents and mothers worldwide each year. The birth of a girl child is considered by these mothers to be so great a failure, in terms of proving their own value as females to themselves and their extended families, that they unconsciously deny or disapprove of the girl's sex. This means that hundreds of millions of girls worldwide will become pre-oedipal lesbians as a result of a failed positive identification with their mother's sex(see Elaine Siegel's book, Female Homosexuality for a complete, detailed discussion of how this rejection results in lesbianism in these children), and a subsequent inability to feel accepting of their feminine sex.
The big point I'd like to make is that "visual homosexuality", in men and women, is really the same as "pre-oedipal homosexuality." As one example only, in Elaine Siegel's book Female Homosexuality, 4 of the 6 lesbian case studies are of women in visual professions-- choreographer, artist, dancer, theater. And as I noted last time, the women of the sex industry universally fall into the category of "highly visual"/exhibitionistic pre-oedipal homosexuals. What's new in what I'm saying is the suggestion that an exclusively visual socialization in these women takes over where their psychosexual development with their mothers stopped: namely at would have been, in normal pyschosexual development, the point of the daughter's identification with her mother's femaleness and her own potential for motherhood.
For example, anyone who has seen strippers obsessively staring at themselves in the mirror, and staring at other female dancers' bodies as well, instantly detects that visual socialization is strongly at work in these women. They literally seek visual confirmation of their own femaleness in the mirror as well as in idealizing the bodies of the other dancers/porn actresses(and other physically attractive lesbians). This idealization of other girls, along with its strongly motivated attempt at confirmation of their own girlness, is precisely what motivates their lesbianism in the first place. Elaine Siegel and other reparative therapists like her explain that homosexuality expresses itself as a desire for the other's idealized "maleness" in the case of gay men, and for the other's idealized "femaleness" in the case of lesbians. It's all about "looking right", "looking" acceptably male or female. This mirroring process of repetitive attempts at comparison with others of the same sex is, of course, primarily visual and supports my idea of visual socialization. Anorexia nervosa is another example of purely visual socialization.
Butch dykes are plainly compensating by their "toughness" for their fathers, whom they perceived as weak. They are unconsciously trying to bolster what they perceived(as children)as his comparatively weak masculinity(in relationship to their domineering mothers) by "becoming" tough little "men" to compensate for internalized feelings of powerless on seeing their fathers dominated by more powerful mothers. Take a fresh look at butch dykes, watch out for any swaggering in particular, and you'll see they are really just compensating for weak daddies with internalized visual caricatures of male toughness. Watch transvestites on talkshows as well, and you'll see a similarly transparent example of this same sort of visual caricature, in their case of feminity, which, obvious to the rest of us in the audience, has more to do with caricature(and perhaps even mockery)than with anything resembling real-world feminity.
Summary: The women of the sex industry are highly visual/exhibitionistic pre-oedipal lesbians as defined in exhaustive detail by Elaine Siegel in her book, Female Homosexuality. Their lesbianism is the direct result of a failure in their psychosexual development in which their girlness was either rejected outright or intrusively stifled by their rejecting or overinvolved mothers/parents. This maternal/parental rejection of their sex or intrusive overinvolvement in the girl's sex led to a purely visual socialization, resulting in sociopathic lesbianism and exhibitionism in the women of the sex industry and other highly visual ultra-femme lesbians. They were unable to develop emotionally at all in relation to their mothers/parents as a result of a pre-oedipal failure in psychosexual bonding and development in relationship to their mothers. Thus, the lesbianism of the sex industry is documentably the result of early developmental failures and the resulting purely visual socialization, and not the result of genetics. The fact that highly visual/exhibitionistic pre-oedipal lesbianism is reparative in therapy is conclusive proof that it is in fact developmental, not genetic.
Luke, if I may add a final critical remark to yesterday's post in order to fully delineate the visual process involved in triggering female pre-oedipal homosexuality.
The process of pre-oedipal homosexuality begins with the normal visual inspection of the newborn infant's sex and an immediate unconscious VISUAL DISAVOWAL of the girl baby's sex. This visual event(namely, "Is it a boy or a girl baby?")is thus made pathological in the pre-oedipal case, and triggers a process whereby the sex of the girl child is experienced as a traumatic event for the mother/parents, as well as serving as visual proof-positive of the mother's failure in the eyes of herself, her husband and her extended family(specifically, in her painfully visible womanly failure to produce a son-- not a girl baby--which of necessity leads to the pre-oedipal daughter's own inability to identify herself either with her mother or even with herself as a girl, as feminine, and as a future mother.)
Beware Of Lesbian Sleepovers
Dudley Moore writes: Luke, please make your readers aware that lesbian sleepovers represent something new in terms of a threat to society. Again and again in reading about lesbianism, I find that the common, even universal element, most reliably leading to lesbianism(in virtually every case I have studied)is, for lack of a better word, A PRECOCIOUS DYKE WHO IS WILLING TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
Lesbian sleepovers today, and teen group sleepovers generally, represent a potentially enormous new source of youngsters who will discover, much earlier than in the past, that they experience lesbian leanings. Before group sleepovers, it would often take women decades to realize they were lesbians, and then only when they encountered a lesbian who had wanted them for years and WAS WILLING TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. In the book From Common Housewives to Lesbian Life, for example, these older women only discovered they were lesbians at mid-life or later in their fifties after numerous relationships with males, successive marriages, divorces, children and grandchildren. The occasion of their discovery was invariably a girls' night out (usually their FIRST EVER), followed by an overnight stay in a hotel room with a female friend who, it turned out, had always wanted the other woman secretly, usually for many years and had simply initiated the lesbian overtures when the opportunity had finally presented itself. The telling thing--and the point I am arguing-- is that the women who were the latent lesbians had in most cases never even suspected that the lesbian initiating sex with them even had sexual feelings for them, but had always interpreted their affection simply as female friendship! Now that they had discovered their newfound lesbianism and "what they were really all about" they tearfully left their husbands, families, and extended families behind on their new journies of self-discovery and true lesbian destiny.
Lesbian sleepovers, including sorority initiations, which also often have lesbian undertones(like spraying whip cream all over each over), will mean that teen girls discover their lesbianism decades earlier than in the past. This early discovery means goodbye to future marriage and children. It will certainly result in an enormous increase in lesbianism in our teen girls, and may mean a windfall for the sex industry. Please do what you can on your site to alert parents and the public at large of this new danger.
You might also start a service, Luke's Rent-a-Dyke, which may actually REPLACE THE SEX INDUSTRY in short order. Since so much of the sex industry is motivated by men trying to get their wives and girlfriends seduced by lesbians, you might do all players a great service by providing sexually aggressive dykes WILLING TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE on these men's ladies. Currently, the process for men wanting to get their wives laid by lesbians is much more roundabout and wordy: men must rent flicks with lots of lesbian action(and lots of lesbian cooing sounds of course), and then go the the extra trouble of enlisting their wives in swingers' clubs(with all sorts of silly philosophical arguments) just to get their wives set up with a dyke. With Luke's Rent-a-Dyke, the menu might include lesbian movies with an aggressive dyke, followed by lesbian massage and sauna by a dyke, etc. Why involve the husband at all, unless he just likes to watch, in which case there would be an extra charge.
Rashi Time On Luke's Love Life
Dear readers, speculation is mounting that Luke's recent appearance on E!'s True Hollywood Story on Linda Lovelace may secure him his first sex in 16 months (but who's counting).
Chaim Amalek provides this Rashi like (Rashi is the most famous Jewish teacher and interpreter of sacred text) on my love life. I'm sorry dear reader that the true details of what is going on in my life are far too hot and intimate for me to be able to share with you.
Chaim writes: I am sure your therapist will agree with everything I have written:
Luke writes: She's totally hot looking but empty inside. She > watches way too much TV. I > cant respect her. She wants to go to nightclubs. > Shallow.
Chaim: These are not the words of a real man. If she is hot looking, try to f--- her. Who cares that she watches lots of television.
Fred writes: Well Luke, have you ever considered that perhaps you should have two female companions--one for intellectual fulfillment, and one for sex, i.e. a mistress. That's how things are done in Latin cultures, and probably a century ago, that's how things worked on all cultures. What do you think?
Chaim: E's True Hollywood Story. Luke, this is your future! Get famous and these women will be crawling out of the woodwork to have at it with you.
Fred: Go for it, dude.
I have the following theory: The reason celebrities get lots of women is this:
1. For any average, garden variety person, perhaps only 5-10% of the female population could be very attracted to that person.
2. If you arrange your life such that 1,000,000 people become familiar with you, that means that you are effectively presenting yourself to 50,000 to 100,000 potential mates.
3. Therefore, by getting yourself on television, it stands to reason that your dating prospects will go up.
4. Fred the a) patent lawyer, b) therapist, and c) dating advisor says: go for it.
Chaim: It is NOT just the enhanced exposure to greater numbers of women that fame provides, it also boosts one's standing in the eyes of most women, too. That is why we are all rooting for you Luke, so that through your reflected glory we can all score some better looking women.
Luke: When I was on the New Times LA cover story, Entertainment Tonight and Fox Files, I got sex each time from a female friend who rarely gave it up otherwise.
Fred writes: I wonder who much of the input you get from your therapist is therapy, and how much is simply a woman pushing you in accordance with her own non-professional instincts re dating.
Rumdar writes: Tell your therapist you are on the slow march towards getting some Persian clam. What are you paying her for, criticism? For the $$ you are spending she should be suggesting better ways to get the Kitty horizontal. Some nerve.
Good...women love vulnerable men..Did you cry? Shed a crocodile tear next time.
Next she will be telling you she is a virgin. I love it. All women are the same. They are so full of s---. Would she be more impressed if you were a postal employee?
Luke writes: Anyway, I think she's right. I'm a great guy. I could write something profound. Time for me to start on my novel. I will call it Luke F-rd and it will about my life in the present. You guys can help me write it. Good idea, no?
Chaim: No - my dedication to socialist principles ("from each according to his needs, to each according to his abilites") precludes this. You must first offer something in return of value to each of us (and promises of spending an evening in the company of yeshiva boys studying the talmud does not qualify).
Rumdar writes: I always wanted to be F. Scott Fitzgerald when I grew up. I became Rumdar instead. I hope somewhere, someplace there is some young, twisted little f---er who wants to grow up and be Rumdar. What was the question??
Fred writes: We'll start working on the plot immediately. It will be the great American novel about a guy with a porn web site and a gang of highly eccentric e-mail correspondants who give you nutty advice that couldn't possibly make sense. What do you think?
Helpful writes: NO! Did you make any money on History of X? I say go right for the screen play. Your paradoxical life story is the perfect comic vehicle for Adam Sandler, although ironically, he is too Jewish looking to portray LF.
Persian Kitty
I have Persian Kitty on the phone. What should I ask her?
Chaim writes: "Ronit, is it true that Persian Jewesses give of themselves only to Persian Jewish men? And - I have always been curious about this - how does the legend of Esther affect the average Persian Jewess?
"Ronit, what do you think of AMALEK? Given that the holiday of Purim is set in your old homeland, could you ever love a man with the name of AMALEK and introduce him to your abba and eemah?"
Luke talks to Persian Kitty about why he writes on pornography.
I talked to an old friend, "Sharon" Sunday.
Sharon said: "Most of the congregation is psychologists and social workers. And they say psychologists are the craziest people of all. Just like dieticians tend to be people with eating disorders. You tend to go towards things that interest you. That you have a personal relationship with."
Luke: "Good thing that doesn't apply to me. I have no personal relationship with pornography."
Sharon: "That's a full story on its own."
I bounced this theory off Persian Kitty.
Persian Kitty: "Well, that obviously that doesn't apply to you. God came up to you and said, 'Luke, as a Jewish person it is your responsibility to save the world. So please write about pornography.' That's why you told me, right? That's how you started? It's not because you like it."
Luke: "I think it is disgusting. I think it is degrading towards women."
PK: "But not towards men?"
Luke: "It degrades them too but I am more sensitive towards female honor."
PK: "Your honor. That's not something you have to worry about."
Rumdar writes: Luke.. The Kitty...I mean ....She is ......totally, a Valley Persian.
Chaim writes: Kendra proves herself to be the voice of reason yet again. Focus your efforts on the Persian Kitty, the only one of the jewesses you have written about to sound like wife material. Offer the other Jewesses nothing more than your friendship and your sperm.
Do you know why so many jewesses become dieticians? To meet jewish doctors.
Dean DeLuca from DD Entertainment writes Luke: RE: 1st Money Cash http://1stmoneycash.com, Mr. Joel Chatelet
We used them on our sites for approximately 5 months and they paid us for the first 2 then stopped. Our outstanding balance with this company is over $2000. Mr. Joel Chatelet runs this program and will no longer answer our emails or reply with a reason on why he is not paying us and ignoring us. We strongly urge all webmasters to avoid this pop-up sponsor as we do not feel that he is reputable or will pay sponsors. We are happy to provide all the proof we have to support our claim.
A Modest Proposal To Chaim Amalek
Luke writes: Dear Chaim: We've been communicating for 18 months now. I believe, Chaim, that it is time we move forward with our relationship. How would you feel about us entering an exclusive relationship? Meaning, that you would no longer go out with other guys.
Rumdar writes: Luke, By your own admission you haven't had your lizard drained (other than manually) in what, 16 months? Are you making this proposal out of desperation?
Luke: I am not seeking sex, just Torah teachings. And I want Chaim to post exclusively on my site.
Chaim replies: Dear Luke: As you well know, one of us does not exist. Consequently, our relationship is not likely ever to go beyond the onanistic. (Rent "The Fight Club" again, if you still cannot figure this one out.)
Why Does Persian Kitty Claw At Me?
Luke writes Chaim Amalek: Persian Kitty and my other Jewess friends think you are seriously twisted.
Chaim replies: Why? They have never even met me and yet they hate me. When I am scratched, do I not bleed? When I am insulted, are not my feelings hurt? Why does the jewess hate Amalek? WHY? W H Y ????????
PS What do the women in your life think of my proposal to solve the principal problems of the middle east by amending Israel's Law of Return to treat any Palestinians (and their descendents) present in any territory controlled by Israel in 1948 or 1967 as having the same right of return to Israel that is granted to Jews? Does not the farmer who fled Palestine in 1948 have as much of a right to live their as the Brooklyn Yeshiva student whose connection has been attenuated by 2000 years of gallut [exile]?
The Iron Pornographer
Chaim writes: I note that your appearance on national television has given your copulatory life a substantial boost. Might it not work for the 375 pound Chaim Amalek? What would be a proper venue for me - The Iron Chef? How about a cable show with the suggestive working title of "The Iron Pornographer", in which competing teams of porners, using limited resources in an on-the-fly manner, produce the very best porn their artistic abilities can manage? I could offer on-the-spot guidance.
Very interesting material in the current Observer regarding the racial component of the election, and in Taki's column as well. Apparently Gore took 93% of the black vote. Why is Gore, a white, heterosexual gentile man, so unpopular among white, heterosexual gentile men? (And since you used to be a white, heterosexual gentile man, perhaps you have special insights on this, Luke.)
Luke replies: Because he seems like a pandering pansy.
Chaim replies: But why then did not this characterization arise also from within the bosoms of black men, and lead to more than a few percent of them voting for Bush? Have African American men become emasculated by their years of being led around by the nose by oily ***ish liberals? (Please present this general line of inquiry to Mr. Marcus, a far more authentic voice of the Negro Man than any the mass-media permit to be heard.)
Luke: I inquired at MrMarcus.com the above and recieved these reactions:
Brian Sullivan writes: the same reason over 50% of honkeys voted for bush,dont you have anything better to do than log on to mr.marcus`s fan site with negativity,go visit all the white pornstar whore sites and leave ours alone honkey boy
Black writes: Why are u so racist, what do u think about blacks voting, don't they have a right too?? Luke, let me ask u this, why did so many whites vote?? Dumb question right, you are to smart be acting like a dick!! Luke get ya act together!!
Mr Marcus writes Luke: because black people did their homework on Bush and realized for the black community he was no good. His track record in Texas proves it. He sees us as a minority not worth helping. He's a good ol' boy who doesnt deserve to run the country. Bush is a dam racist who with the power of gov't will expose his true self.
Another Modest Proposal
Chaim Amalek writes: My African-American brothers often object that it is difficult for them to vote, given all the impediments that white racism conspires to put in their path to the voting booths come election day. At the same time, I note that the Negro who does do his duty almost always votes for whichever democrats we liberals set before him on election day. How can this reality be acknowledged in a manner that disenfranchises no negro whilst taking into account his almost child-like loyalty to the democratic party? (And please do not accuse me of racism here - I am a JEW, and I marched in Selma with those other jews way back in the early 60's.)
I propose that every black who has registered to vote be presumed to have cast a party line vote for the democrats on election day, and that the votes be so counted where the negro in question has not gone to the voting booth to cast her vote. Of course, those negroes who do make it past the gauntlet of white racism to vote on election day would be free to vote republican if they chose, and their votes would be counted accordingly. But otherwise, if you are black, and registered to vote, you are given an automatic vote on behalf of the democrats, who you almost certainly would have voted for anyway on election day had you the chance. Think of it as a payroll savings plan with which to build black political capital and fight white racism.
On an unrelated matter, why Luke, do you vex the BlackMan on the Mr. Marcus board? He has more important things to discuss there than politics with you. Namely, dick, cunt and other s---. You say that you have not had vaginal intercourse in the last 17 months. Might this not be the result of some form of impotence, perhaps based on performance anxiety? The men of porn with whom you associate must present a fearsome standard for you to live up to as a man, and perhaps you fear that you come up short in various ways. Vexing the BlackMan with your somewhat looney political notions will not make a man out of you Luke. Racism is no substitute for Viagra.
Luke F-rd, November 2000
PS Please let me know how the "Chaim Amalek Shiur" is going in your neck of the woods. I understand that all the women in Luke's life want to know more about this mysterious side of him.
Frogtown Roundup
Attention l-keford.com readers in the St. Paul, Minneapolis area. Be advised to use extreme caution when approaching scantily clad, young ladies walking the streets late in Frogtown.