Back to Essays
Sunday, August 13th, 2000
Circus MaxXximus - Good Clean Fun
Taliesin writes on RAME: Circus MaxXximus, the PAW charity event, yesterday (Aug 12) was great. We all had lots of fun. The car wash drew huge crows and people lined up to get their vehicles washed by near naked porn girls. Those attending included XXX, Midori, Brooke Hunter, Zoe, Dave Cummings, Raquel More, Shayla Laveaux, Max Hardcore, Fiero, William Margold, Cheri Blosom, Sharon Mitchell and Clea Stilet. I'll have more details and pictures on my website (paganpleasures.com) later in the week.
In college I did off campus study with a chiropractor for a year, took classes in various forms of massage, including shiatsu (acupressure), and took a sports medicine class. And, while taking an extra semester studying in Scotland, I trained in Applied Kineseology (Touch for Health). And as part of the PAW Foundation's HelpLine (We've set up an 800 number that porn stars can call 24/7 anytime they need to talk about various problems.) I've had training from a clinical pssychologist/marriage and family therapist.
What I was saying about the process of preparing blood after it has been collected in a blood drive is that the process is quite thorough. They just don't take the pint of blood drawn from someone and stick it in a freezer until it's needed. The blood goes through a lot in the preparation process. And I found the process amazing.
But you are correct that the process is not 100 percent in filtering out all possible impurities. There's always going to be a risk for the recipient of any blood. And since porn stars are tested for HIV on a regular basis, might not their blood be acceptable for donation when they show the test that indicates they have a negative HIV status?
You would be surprised at all the volunteer work and charity work I do, and some others in the porn biz do, that you never hear about. And you never will hear about it. That's private stuff we do as private citizens. One the other hand, porn stars have become celebrities, of a sort, so using that celebrity status to get some good things done for our society is certainly reasonable. The blood drive would have been a big production, with lots of publicity and lots of people donating to help out. It's unlikely that the blood drive will happen, but, as I've said before, we will be doing some other charity events.
Oz: Anyone with the slightest bit of education about HIV or AIDS (Since I'm assuming that's what everyone is "worried" about being in the blood) knows that of all the ways one can contract either disease, receiving contaminated blood from an American medical center is about as likely as Luke F-rd being whacked by Paul Hogan for pissing off the Australian porn "mafia"... basically since Aurther Ashe contracted HIV that way, the Western medical community has gone to extraordinary lengths to screen blood samples in every way possible...I would have no problem taking a donation that had come from a "porn blood drive"...besides, everyone should show up for the free cookies!
Cheyenne Silver Upset
Vivid girl Cheyenne Silver writes on the front page of her website www.cheyennesilver.com: "To all my fans, I'm very upset with some of the talk that has been happening on the Forum boards. First you start to tell me not to get a boob job, but I do. Then everyone starts to turn on me. I cried when I went to get them done because I saw what people were saying on the polls. I didn't ever want to get them done, but t hey said they needed them to be perked up. So I got them. Now some idiot starts talking about hygine. I don't know who it i s, but they don't know anything. I think it's very sad that someone has so much time to make up hurtful stories about someone else. I guess it all comes from jealousy. Those who've met me know the real me w hat I'm about."
DoneDave writes on CheyenneSilver.com: "So our lady of the lay has a hygene problem? Well I suggest we buy her some shampoo, soap, deodorant/anti-perspirant, toothpaste, mouthwash, and a WHOLE LOT of Summer's Eve products! lol"
Peter Gripp writes: "DONE DAVE, YOU ARE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE PRICK!!! I MET CHEYANNE AT VSDA AND SHE IS THE SWEETEST, MOST NICEST GIRL I'VE EVER MET IN PORN (THOUGH NOT THE SHARPEST STICK). SHE IS GREAT!!!! YOU NEED TO STOP REPLYING TO IGNORANT POSTS LIKE BABYJESUS. SOME STUPID f--- WHO IS JUST TRYING TO CAUSE TROUBLE ON THIS BOARD LIKE THE MR. MARCUS BOARD. f--- YOU,f--- YOU!! CHEYANNE WE LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE AS PRETTY AS AND SMELL LIKE A FLOWER."
DoneDave: "PeterGripp- You stupid dips---! (laughing again!) I meant NO harm in my post! If you notice, I complained about Vivid's "forcing" (whether or not they did...well) Cheyenne to get implants! I think she's beautiful, and she's definitely helped me to blow my wad MORE than a few times! If she has a hygene problem, well we (her fans) could support her (like sending her a care package). I meant the f---ing post a joke- geez asshole, you need to get a f---ing life! After all she's just a f----film starlet!"
Director Michael Raven responds to Luke: "What does Mr. DoneDave mean by that last remark, "After all she's just a f----film starlet!" Would it make any difference if Ms. Silver practiced a different profession and if yes, I ask you why? If you sincerely meant that last comment Mr. DoneDave, then your total contempt for women reveals itself."
Monkey: "From everything I hear, this guy is absolutely right about her hygiene issues. My cousin worked on set at Elegant Angel, and he told me that there were A LOT of complaints floating around. For instance, not to name any names, but a certain dark-haired, real-titted, contract girl for a major company could tell you plenty of stories."
BabyJesus: "i heard from my buddy that used to work on sets that she has a serious hygeine issue and they used to call her "Stinkpot" Silver."
Brian writes Luke: Luke: I hereby volunteer to meet with Cheyenne, pull her pants down and eat her pussy for 1 hour. I will them give a full report in writing to l-keford.com on the state of her pussy.. I'm willing to pay all my expenses too.
Meni: Luke, did ya notice on cheyenne's site. She has a great collection of free pics. Not your typical set of pics on a pornstar's site, and thats refreshing.. s---, do I sound gay?
JMT: Free, and she doesn't even make you claim to be an adult who doesn't live somewhere that has laws against hump-hump photos. A rather surprising oversight on the part of whoever runs the site. I express no opinion with regard to the dear girl's alleged vaginosis. Clearly, however, Meni is a swish.
Meni: I'm confused too on another thing, I'm buds with Jim Gunn, but I like drugs like Kid Vegas, who I've never met, so who do I hang with at shows?
FT writes Luke: I like your site but why do you waste space talking about crap like this? "I cried when I went to get my boob job" - "I didn't ever want to get them done but they said they needed to be perkerd up" - " What a complete load of s---. She may be a sweet girl but she has a trashy job and she takes it up the ass for a living, so yes in my opinion she is one of the bottom feeders of society. For a porn star to expect any type of sympathy in regards to their job, be it physical, mental, whatever is a crock. The Luke F-rd site though is one of the better forums where EVERYTHING is printed and I commend you for that, RAME is a complete joke with miserable moderators that only post what they like, not what is reality. Keep it up Luke!
PornoDick writes on CheyenneSilver.com: I just found this site and the first thing I find out is that the beautiful Cheyenne has joined up with Vivid AND has gotten implants. What a sad, sad day. Vivid makes the most boring porn by far (I will never purchase another movie of theirs). I hate fake tits too. Unlike what you have stated q_castic, I have never seen a great boob job and I've seen a LOT of them. I can spot them all a mile away, scars or no scars. Juli Ashton has the only pair that have ever come close to fooling me. Perfect 10 is successful for a reason... A sad, sad day indeed.
Gingerman: By her own admission she didnt want to get them. Then why would she? She may not have had a gun to her head but she was definitely pressured.She knew before she got them that her fans didnt want her to have them. As far as their being a nice assortment of breast sizes from Vivid girls, the only ones who dont have implants are already naturally endowed! How many Vivid girls are small breasted? None!! I want some small titties dammit!
Alexandra Nice vs Elegant Angel
Porn star Alexandra Nice writes: Dion Giarrusso left me a message on August 11, 2000. He offered me to do one scene for Elegant Angel next week. This letter is my response and has been sent to:
1. Elegant Angel Video Fax (818) 773-1163
2. Dion Giarrusso (Home address)
3. Patrick Collins (Home address)
4. Luke F-rd firstname.lastname@example.org
5. Gene Ross (AVN) email@example.com
Dion, I have to admit, that I am more than suprised, that you left me a message about work for Elegant Angel today.
I bet, you didn't have a chance to talk, for example, to Randy Spears yet. He directed the movie "Legs #1" you guys are going to distribute. I did a regular Boy/Girl scene with him on August 9th. If you will talk to him, you will know, that he had to pay me my rate in cash, because I wasn't going to except the check from Elegant and I was ready to leave the set. Maybe now, you will realize what is my opinion about working for Elegant. Would you like to know why? Because I didn't get payed for one day of my work for Elegant in Las Vegas and my expences has never been covered.
You guys had no respect for me at all and you were so unorganized in Vegas.
1. When I called Elegant two days before going Vegas, someone said, that you forgot to reservate my flight! Is that supposed to be funny???
2. I was just ashamed of signing those flyers you guys gave me. I can print any flyer I want at home, and believe me, the quality will be much, much better.
3. There was no breakfeast, no lunch and no dinner! Sorry, I forgot, Patrick gave me permission to spend $25 per person daily. I guess, he wanted me to eat in McDonalds! When I been signing for you on January 6th, no one even asked me am I hungry or not.
4. No phone in the hotel room. Like you know, I been signing for Adam (Seymore Butts) in January, 1999. I think, you could learn from him a lot. Especially, how to treat people! There were also a few other, smaller problems, but I'm pretty sure, that you will agree with me, that there is no sense to talk about . Please, don't even try to tell me, that Patrick lost some money because of me. I had 7 other propositions from different companies at that time. I chose yours, and what? I didn't get payed ($400) for my work and my expences ($244.80) have not been covered.
The whole situation in Vegas was so ridiculous, that I just couldn't work for you anymore and I had to leave. Because of that, I didn't sign for the next three days and I didn't earn $1,200. I can still work for your company, but only if I will get the $244.80 check (no payroll) to cover my expences and the $400 check for my work I have done.
01/06/00 $400 1 day of signing
01/05/00 $ 52 Taxi (Woodland Hills - LAX)
01/05/00 $ 15 Taxi (LAS - Rio Hotel)
01/05/00 $ 22 Lunch
01/05/00 $ 28 Dinner
01/06/00 $ 28 Dinner
01/06/00 $ 1 Phone Call to Patrick
01/07/00 $ 8.80 Phone Call to Dion
01/07/00 $ 22 Lunch
01/07/00 $ 15 Taxi (Rio Hotel - LAS)
01/07/00 $ 53 Taxi (LAX - Woodland Hills)
Of course, I do not expect, that I will receive MY money I supposed to get 7 months ago. If I am right, I don't want to have nothing in common with your company now and in the future, so please don't call me anymore about work or anything else.
By the way, please tell the person who is running your web site to not send me e-mails about exchanging banners anymore. Speaking about web sites, I'm going to do a lot of changes on my free site (www.AlexandraNice.com) soon. I am also going to put the names of people who owns me money on one of the pages. The name Patrick Collins (Elegant Angel Video) will be there for sure, next to the name of Paul Thomas (Vivid). CONGRATULATIONS Patrick!!!
All Best, Alexandra Nice
P.S. Most of the people in the adult industry are not profesional. I just get tired of that, and that's why, I do just 1-3 videos a month, working only for those who I really like. Mostly, I do mainstream work, people treats you with respect and not like s---!
Brian Kushner (firstname.lastname@example.org): Luke: Why is she venting her frustrations out about a BUSINESS DEAL on l-keford.com. This is unprofessional. However, I do feel for her and would be seriously happy to pay her bill as long as she can provide me with the receipts.
MikeSouth.com writes: hey Luke, maybe I can shed some light on the Alexandra Nice thing for ya. I was told by Dion that Patrick has paid his lawyers 25,000 dollars to get the URL Patrickcollins.com from me, and that he is prepared to pay 100,000 dollars to see it through. So maybe Patrick needs to pinch some pennies here and there. During my conversation with Dion, who called me back Patrick jumped on the phone spewing threats and general venom, I had them on speaker phone and my cameraman Tony cracking up, after Patrick hung up he asked me if I was gonna pursue Patrick legally for those threats. I'm not, I obviously got under Pat's skin pretty good and hey, he finally spoke to me although not like a man. regardless I'm obviously not going to fight to keep a domain name that is worthless to me so I'll prolly just sign it over to Elegant, I mean it cost me all of fifteen bucks and it was a blast. So Alex maybe you'll get your money after all cuz Pat will have 75,000 additional dollars he won't have to cough up to his lawyers.
Frankel writes: Today in our local newspaper, one of lazrado's partners were named (Guy McKenzie), from this i worked out that his close assosiate and another guy that was mentioned to me all work together for filthycash. It all finally clicked as other people have mentioned this guy to me. The names are Guy Mckenzie, Yohan Lewis, Mike Zulu, and a guy called Chris, not sure what his last name is but he is associated as well. The person that i talked to today, only knew him as chris. These are lazrado's partners and they do the so called day to day work for his company. I am working close with an australian media firm in exposing the whole "australian porn mafia." I have now also found three more aussies working from brisbane - Gold Coast are that also, when looking at their sites have found that they use stolen content that i have reported to the owners of the pictures. There are so many stories about the australians, you will be very interested.
Nosy Parker writes on Netpond about Luke: Say what you want about him, at least his stuff is interesting to read. Think of it as the National Enquirer of the porn industry. Most people can't stand him - but won't admit that they just love to read his articles. A much better read than webdads boring domain s---. Makes me fall asleep. BTW - where's nick@ilinkx and scottpb - funny how they haven't posted to defend trafficinc. I guess they are in a meeting discussing their defense strategy.
John from Flying Crocodile Inc (FCI): When people are asked to leave a company they usually need to rationalize it by ripping on it. You should listen to my friends bad-mouth amazon.com after working there- it's just not as sexy as fci.
LF: How is FCI doing financially?
Bill: Very solid, very professional- and outperforming summer expectations.
Director ("Cecil B DeMented" ) John Waters: "I just went to the big porn-video convention in Vegas and everyone said, 'Hi, John, how ya doin'?" Waters crows. "They gave me free porn! I think it's the only real outlaw cinema left."
Porn Stars, Assault And Sucker Punches
Slapnuts writes: Jenna Jameson did the right thing regardless of the context of the situation. That filthy woman should never have shot Jenna that dirty look and when she did, that skank ho knew what was coming. Yup, a slap and a sucker punch. It might seem totally uncalled for to smack someone when they're being held back, but ask yourself this, "What would I have done?" If I were in Jenna's shoes, I would've slapped that bitch silly. So if that slap nuts wants to sue Jenna for all she's got, then I truly pity her. When was it a crime to defend yourself? I imagine that there's nothing wrong with what she did and I applaud her for that. It adds a "wow" element about Jenna. And if that slappy is reading this SCREW YOU!!
Luke Gets Mail
Madcat writes: I have to really question your writing for a minute, after paying a visit to your site I had to seriously say I've never in my (short) life have read so much unfounded bulls---.
Don't you think it's sort of weird to be so anti-porn yet write about it? If you'd be so against it, wouldn't you say that the right thing to do is to not write about it?
Anyhow - I figure if you'd actually spend some time researching your facts, you could possibly make a halfway decent journalist after all instead of the sensation-seeker gossip rag type image you have right now. I can understand why a majority of people don't like you. That goes for me too, I don't like you - that's more because of the way you write than anything else. Ofcourse I guess it'd be too much to ask to see you give some halfway decent replies to this, but I have hopes.
Laura writes: "Julia-Ann says she's tired of having sex with people she doesn't love. Why would someone like her want to confine herself to a boring life in a monogamous relationship? She says some crap about her catholic upbringing being an influence in her decision. Somehow its ok to strip but not do porn, what kind of bulls--- is that? Catholicism is a waste of time as all religion is and she has allowed herself to be brainwashed by the insane catholic religion making her feel guilty. I'm fortunate to be a secular liberal Jew and not catholic."
Cleve: "I think you were a little tough on Julia-Ann there Laura. It seems to me that not wanting to have sex with someone you don't love is at least as good a reason as any to quit the porn game. And why wouldn't "someone like her" seek a monogamous relationship? Who are you to say who can and who can't? It's her choice, and she can go for whatever brass ring she feels like, for whatever reason she wants. So what if her catholic upbringing had an influence in her decision? I don't see her demanding that everyone quit porn because of her reasons. In fact, she didn't have to share those reasons with us. As a free, independent entity she made an informed decision, based on reasons that were good and sufficient to her, to leave the biz. Hey, Julia.thanks for saying good-bye honey. Godspeed, enjoy the rest of your life.thank you for entertaining us while you were here.and the light is always on."
Laura: "In response to Cleve, you are right I was too hard on Julia-Ann, I was actually sorry I sent it. I happen to be a fan of hers, think she is one of the most beautiful, sexy women in porn. I especially love her scenes in Blondage with one of my other favorites, Janine. I do think religion is a waste of time though, I'm not sorry I said that."
Cybererotica president Johnathan Silverstein writes: Luke, I just wish these people had the moxy to put their names behind their statements! XXX webmaster, huh? Just another ANON jack-off loser getting his rocks off on BS!
Let me get this straight.because I was the Director of Sales & Marketing at IEG for about 2 years -- that puts me in Seth's shadow? Because I'm the President of VMI, and Ron's the CEO.NOW, I'm in HIS shadow? This guy is RIDICULOUS! The thought that I EVER lived in the "shadows' (Seth's, Ron's, or any at all) is NONSENSE! Movin' on up like George and Weezy is more like it! LOL
It cracks me up when I hear s--- like this - and it tells me one or 2 things. This schmuck doesn't know me from Adam, and he's a jealous and envious prick! This schmuck DOES know me, and he's a weak, two faced, classless muther-Fer -- that doesn't have the balls to talk to me face to face! Either way - it's really no big deal!
On the Pimp tip, what this fool doesn't seem to realize is - I am the Pimp (Pimp of the Year if you ask D-Money hahaha) AND the whore too. I'm my own guy.AND the product I have is ME!
Kevin: Dear Luke, I am trying to find info on Saber, the lovely brunette adult film actress who worked mainly from 1989 to 1996. I can't find very much info on her and was hoping you might have something. I assume she's retired from adult video but was wondering if she might still do personal appearances on the dance club circuit.
Brandy Alexandre writes about Delaney Daniels and her Search Extreme operation: " Which included "spamvertising" for which I promptly sent a complaint to all ISPs and hosts involved. If she allegedly has "extensive" experience, she would have known how ultimately taboo such boneheaded moves are. She obviously sucked a mean dick for this job."
Bono writes on RAME about Roger Pipe's interview with Tera Patrick: I was really impressed with the Tera interview. She really came across well and her love of the outdoors was a plus because that is something I don't really know too much about but sounds interesting. Montana is such a big state and I bet there is a lot of beauty up there, we know of at least one beautiful being that comes from there, the incredible Tera Patrick. Also it was nice to hear her reasons for not doing women on film or at least hardcore sex, now I know that most men would want to see Tera get it on with another woman but at least she will or would do softcore with another woman, so maybe down the road she will do something, I would love to see her just make out with another woman,suck on her breast, personally I could do without the toys and even the oral sex but the last one is a toughy, lol I do wish that Tera would do more than the two titles a year that she alluded to but you know they will be instant bestsellers. It was cool to learn more about this very very gorgeous woman.
I would love to see an interview done with the beautiful Azlea Antistia. I would like to know how she got her name because it sounds so exotic, probably my favorite name for a pornstar. How about reaching back into the past and getting the incredibly gorgeous Nikki Dial to do an interview, now that would be a feat but I would love to hear about Nikki and what she is doing now. I don't see one with Jewel Denyle so I would like to hear about her as well.
Porn critic Pat Riley writes on RAME: I applied some thought to this financing question and also to the much increased duplication requirement. Why not marry the two? Set up a company to duplicate DVD's. It's an expanding area even for mainstream and it's my understanding that VCA does some duplication work for non-porn companies at the present so there is precedent. It would seem to me that it should be much easier to sell a finance source on the idea of DVD duplication generally rather than porn duplication. I'm not sure of the legality of it but presuming that that hurdle could be overcome creatively and legally, let the DVD duplication facility hold the inventory and just invoice the porn producer as they ship to the distributor/retail outlet. In this way you shouldn't have any problem with boycott's etc. The bank will be lending money (or investing in) a duplication facility, not porn.
BTW someone must be lending money at present to VCA, Elegant, etc to finance their facilities. Even if the buildings are leased, based on some of the videos shot there, there's a considerable amount of money tied up in the materials handling plant at some of these companies.
You mean Junior hasn't already got a copy of Big Titted Babes under his bed? Contrary to the expressed PC position of the porn industry, I'm sure there are lots of under-18 males whacking off each night to some $4 comp from Leisure Slime. As a teenager, I didn't have the benefit of a VCR and TV in my bedroom, but I certainly had a dog-eared copy of some porno literature hidden among my school books. Today I understand that a combo set is right up there with the mini stereo as obligatory furniture of the average teenager and since they still have difficulty renting tapes, they're likely to have a few comps. How would the sale of DVD's change this?
Re: Hanz & Franz American Anal Adventure
I've seen #1 and #2. Backey (a walking disease from Germany) and Chris Charming (another type who I wouldn't let sit on the furniture without a disposable paper covering) pretend to be visitors from Germany.
IIRC in #2 Backey tries to rent office space. Mirage is the salesgirl and without reason lets him screw her including an anal. Backey is the epitome of a premature ejaculator. He leaks cum at every change of position which gets old fast. It's also nauseating just to see his mug...almost as bad as Ron Jeremy...perhaps worse...at least Ron shaved his face from time to time...this guy looks like he sleeps in the dumpster outside McDonalds.
I forget what the excuse is for Charming, Mocha, and Chocolate. The two girls don't touch each other in case you were hoping but they do do a three way with him. Both girls penetrated and two cum shots, one on each belly. These were scenes two and four. #1 was Candi Kiss who might appeal to those who like them big and whorish--the fans of Trinity and Tawny Lyons--Backey and Charming DP her. #3 is for the oldie and chipmunk lovers: Martino hitches a ride with Randi Storm and is overcome with lust for her sagging body so he screws her. #1 in the series is similarly forgettable.
In Little White Chicks...Big Black Monster Dicks #8, Jake, Lexington, and a European (?) black guy I don't recognize burst in on a pretty Hungarian/Czech brunette (Gina Youngkovic based on position in the cast credits) who's sitting on a child's rocking horse in the nude. They drag her onto the bed and sort-of rape her. At first she co-operates and all goes well but then about half-way through the scene the sound goes out and although they continue it looks like she's crying. The sound picks up in the next segment so it's not likely to be my tape. Seems very like what happened with Max and Melody Love.
Except Petra all the girls in this volume are new (at least to me) and unlike most of the Eurogirls this lot (except Petra again) could be in a Barely Legal tape. They're young and pretty with generally small tits and tight waists. Maybe voyager with his DSL connection can supply a URL. Also the eye rolling and the "monsters" theme have been reduced in comparison with prior volumes.
Re: Real Sex Magazine 33
Witrock's not so neutral although I agree it is advantageous that we don't actually have to look at him. He never listens to the girl's reply and he has the breathless sort of voice which irritates. I image someone like that smarmy Michael J. Cox. He also keeps going on about how many orgasms the girl has: "You came twice, didn't you?" I mean really! Can you imagine the girl cumming while being screwed by Rick Masters, for example?
Ideological Preparations for Your Visit Continue!
Jechu prospect writes from North Korea:
Dear Mr. Luke F-rd!
In anticipation of your extended stay in the Peoples Republic of Korean, the nation had devised a three-point charter for the development of pornography of a national character. Indeed, the three-point charter of national pornographic development should be thoroughly implemented to achieve the cause of patriotic pornography for all the masses, the cherished desire of the nation, says Rodong Sinmun today in a signed article.
The article goes on:
The great leader Kim Jong Il formulated the three principles of a national pornography-- independence from decadent western pornography, peaceful production using willing participants and great national unity--and the ten-point program of great unity of the whole nation and the proposal for founding the Democratic Federal Republic of Koryo put forward by the President Kim Il Sung as the three-point charter in which fundamental principles and ways of achieving the development of an adult cinema for the proletariate are systematized in an integral way and comprehensively laid down and, on this basis, indicated the road of accomplishing the cause of national reunification through shared pornographic motivation in our generation.
The three-point charter of national unified Korean pornographic thought is a programme for national reunification, an embodiment of the great Juche idea.
The charter is based on the transparent spirit of national sovereignty whereby the nation considers its sovereignty and dignity as what keeps itself alive and reflects noble patriotic desire to reunify the country peacefully through the reconciliation and unity between the north and south and the great unity of the whole nation.
The charter comprehensively deals with the precious experience gained in the successful application of the Juche idea whose scientific accuracy and validity have been proven in practice, and fundamental principles which serve as a basis and a starting-point in solving the issue of developing an indigenous adult cinema and strategic ways of advancing it in the cause of national reunification.
Indeed, the charter serves as a bright beacon indicating the road of achieving the cause of national pornography most quickly and fairly in conformity with the will and interests of the whole nation and a powerful weapon guaranteeing its successful accomplishment.
Mr. Luke F-rd, you will be instrumental in creating a Jechu cinema of erotic strengths through which all Korean peoples will be reunited as one. Your arrival in Pyongyang is most earnestly awaited!
Rumdar: Luke... Is Peppy aware that you are communicating with top government officials in the Peoples Republic of Korea? This is very impressive. Much bigger than even the Australian Porn Mafia. If she doesn't come around soon, then accept that gig they are offering you. I would much rather be sounded by warm little Korean communist sex sweeties than a Jewish ice princess.
Summer Daze, Biker Nights
Lynne L-patin writes: I realize you internet jockeys have no lives, and so live vicariously through mine (even though you absolve yourselves by taking such joy over insulting me,) that I had to rush right home tonight and share with all of you the way in which we spend our evenings slumming on the far side of the tracks...
My buddy DLR helped me through bad times a few nights ago when I came in from a road trip with a card-carrying sociopath (the rare female version, no less) so I jumped at the chance at spending the evening with him and my bro in one of their low life haunts. During our pre-prandial dinner conversation, DLR revealed that, being that he is a real man with dirty fingernails, who smells of sweat and beer, he fathered yet another child outside of holy wedlock during the break with his significant other which marked the initiation of our relationship three months back. So I ordered a double Courvoisier, water on the side, and bemoaned the state of things which leaves real men behaving so irresponsibly with so many women all at once, while the educated, tender-fingered weinies I am so privileged to know can't bring themselves to sit down over a burger and fries with even one real life woman...
My brother had warned me that, if he took me to dinner with DLR, I would have to behave like a nun, because the neighborhood is very small and everyone knows one another, and it would get back to his wife. I found this funny, because it seems a lot more serious to me that he would have to explain a baby with another woman to his wife than he would simply having had casual anal sex with an ex-porn producer who just happens to be the sister of one of his best friends. So, to be safe, I practiced body language skills learned from my just-completed acting fundamentals workshop and glued myself to the wall of the restaurant as I sat side by side with DLR in the leatherette booth. The platform shoes and leopard print jeans may have identified me as a slut on the outside, but the way I pressed myself against the wall as far away from the man as possible were an obvious indication of my utter distaste at being in such close proximity to him.
DLR ordered a Grand Marnier, warmed, to impress me, and to let me know that he knew there were alcoholic beverages other than beer. This may not have been such a good idea in terms of maintaining the fiction that we could never be interested in one another, but how could I tell a married man what to drink after he's just heard he's going to have a baby by a one night stand...a married one night stand.... a married man having a one night stand with a married woman that results in a baby....
After dinner, I volunteered to take DLR back to his car with one of those little red plastic gas cans, for it seems the car, in addition to being unregistered etc., has no working gas gauge. I wanted to show off my new-found experience with such situations, having run out of gas for the very first time only last week (in the context of restoring the 1974 Nova that helps me fit in so well in this neighborhood), so we went to the gas station and then over to his car...
At first he thought I expected sex, but I assured him that, even though he is a real man, and I am a real woman, I preferred to be a friend, having learned how to do that through my buddy Luke F-rd, who abhors sex with real women. I drove a much relieved and very exhausted DLR over to his car and, god damn, if everyone on the f---in' street didn't stop by and say hello to him! The clerk in the convenience store and every passerby knew this guy!
But I was cool. Pointed out that since it was taking such a long time to get the car started, it was a good thing I had volunteered to take DLR on this little mission of mercy and sent my brother on to his date at the biker bar instead. (He was at the biker bar, though only wishing he had a date. But it was a good cover, no?)
To polish off my image as a woman who would never be bothered with such a low-life creature as DLR (and by now I'd changed from the leopardskin and platforms to plain, tattoo-concealing black sweatpants and cute little sandals), I bought an ice cream bar at the convenience store.
And not just an ice cream bar...not a cheap ice milk sandwich or a common Sidewalk Sundae, but a Haagen Dazs bar...and not just any cheap Jewish Girlie chocolate flavored Haagen Dazs ice cream bar, but the new, $2.19 Dulce de Leche caramel flavor. Damn thing doesn't even have a good American Name! Haagen Dazs. Dulce de Leche. What the s--- kind of language is that for a biker chick, in a biker neighborhood? And who the f--- pays $2.19 for an ice cream bar, unless they're a drug dealer or suffering from the serious marijuana munchies?
Poor DLR. I may well be only woman he will ever meet in his entire life who would have sex with him without becoming impregnated as an automatic consequence. And poor me...having to choose between either indiscriminate animalistic lovers from the biker class who at least truly love women or effete, over-educated, neurotic "friends" who dare get no closer to a woman than the keyboard of a computer...
Religion In Politics
Wayne Gordon writes: Luke, When last I wrote, I asked about the seeming double standard applied to the Republican and Democratic tickets when they speak of their religious convictions. I'm getting more confused by the day.
You will recall the grilling Tim Russert gave Bush regarding his comment that Jesus Christ was the philospher he most respected. Russert asked if that meant Bush would take a "what would Jesus do?" philosophy into the oval office. Bush joked that he would be more often say "Dear God help me!" if elected. But I failed to include the rest of the exchange in which Russert drove home the point of his Christians-are-exclusive theme....
Russert: "In 1993 you suggested that unless you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, you couldn't go to heaven."
Bush insisted all he said was that his religion says you must accept Christ go to heaven and God decides who goes, not him. So Russert was essentially attacking Bush as "intolerant" because of the tenets of his personal religion regarding who goes to heaven,. Not that Bush's religiosity might effect his policies as President. What do the Jews think happens to Christians, Muslims, Hindus Buddhists and atheists when they die? What's Jew heaven like? Is there a Jew hell? What gives?
[LF: Christians seem to have the most exclusivist views on salvation of any religion of which I am aware. Neither Islam or Judaism believes that not belonging to their religion threatens anyone's salvation. Judaism, and I assume Islam too, holds that good people from all faiths and peoples have a place in the world to come.]
I bring this up because I have heard some more interesting comments regarding the mixing of religion and politics. But I think that it is of great importance to note that Gore strategists were quoted as saying that they "would take back God in 2000" some time back.
It has been revealed that Lieberman gave the Gore campaign an "unpublished op-ed column" back in June that revealed Lieberman had changed his mind regarding school vouchers. Thus Lieberman has cover on his flip on this issue since joining the ticket. Which brings up to a cynical mind: was the selection of Lieberman made not over last weekend, but months ago when the "take back God" vow was made? Did Lieberman really join the ticket back in June?
The interesting comments come from today's Washington Times story at http://184.108.40.206/national/default-200081123011.htm "Liberal advocacy groups Thursday conceded a double standard on religion in the presidential campaign, but argue that it's legitimate because Republicans preach an exclusionary faith and the doctrine of Democrats is 'all-inclusive'" is the lead of the story. Those quoted cite the propensity of Republican Chrisitians to vote against abortion, gay rights, and in favor of school prayer.
On the other hand, they claim Gore/Lieberman are inclusive and tolerant in their religiosity. Lieberman has promised his religious beliefs would never be the sole force behind his public-policy decisions. "I read the Bible and there have been a lot of rabbinical interpretations over the years, but they inform my decisions," he said.
So, Luke, what gives? Much has been made of not just the fact that Lieberman is Jewish but that he is so devout. How can he be so devout personally and not vote his personal conscience in public matters? What does the Jewish faith have to say about abortion, gay rights and school prayer? If Lieberman votes against the tenets of his religion regarding these and other issues, does that make him a hypocrite to some Jews?
Al Gore is a self-proclaimed Southern Baptist and favors abortion. HUH? It seems to me to come down to the use of religious piety to claim one's good character as a person worthy of public office without wanting the label of being judgemental of others when political expediency conflicts with personal faith. But if you betray your faith so consistently and so publicly, have you really embraced it?
Luke: You raise good questions. Judaism holds that the only acceptable place for sex is within heterosexual marriage and that all forms of sexual expression outside of that are sinful. Judaism would also hold that most abortions are immoral though Judaism does not necessarily have a position on the legality of abortion. A Jew can be a good Jew and view many behaviors, such as adultery and abortion, as immoral and yet not vote to criminalize these immoral behaviors.
Restoring Dignity to the White House
WASHINGTON, Aug. 12 /PRNewswire/ -- "In the wake of Porngate -- the latest scandal to rock the White House -- GOP presidential nod George W. Bush challenged Vice President Al Gore to match his pledge to restore 'honor and dignity' to the White House, a Bush campaign spokeswoman told WorldNetDaily.com.
Nash claims he was unaware that White House employees had been involved in viewing massive amounts of hard-core pornography, including child porn and porn depicting human sex acts with donkeys, goats and dogs. Yet, Thursday, White House spokesman Joe Lockhart confirmed in an interview with the Washington Post that there had been "occasional transgressions by some people here."
Why Don't Blacks Eat Pussy
Fine writes on MrMarcus.com: "This is one black woman who is fed up with brothers that don't eat pussy. Damn! What do I gotta do put BBQ sauce on it to get your interest?"
JeffM: i dont mind as long as its shaved and is clean. maybe the reason some guys dont like it is because some gals dont make the effort......
Fine: Oh but I have to lick your hairy nuts? I ain't shavin' for no man! Now get out the Heinz 57 sauce and eat it!
Ex-coochie eater writes: i understand your frustration. i'm a brotha who is tired of sistas who don't suck dick. i gave up eating pussy 'cause sistas act like dick is a health hazard.
John Stagliano warns MrMarcus about shooting in South America: "Be careful down there. Use a condom. Trust me."
Mr Marcus writes: I just watched one of my favorite movies [Boogie
Nights]. And I get to the scene where Heather Graham
Kaitlin writes: Hello Mr. Marcus i haven't posted here in a few months my name is Kaitlin and i am obsessed with you. I have read your latest interview with sareena and u seem to be really into being deepthroated. I wish you would come here to Pennsylvania so i could show u what i could do. I would like to feel your hands on my head as u force your dick all the way down my throat. I make little gurgling noises while i look up into your sexy eyes. Tears roll out of my eyes but u just grin down at me while u pin my head down on your dick. Finally u pull out momentarilly then ram right back in my throat i work my tongue on your balls as your cockhead rests on my tonsils. I continue gagging and gurgling around your dick. I obediently look into your eyes and i know by the look your about to cum. You keep your dick lodged in the back of my throat and i feel your hot thick cum shooting down my throat i have no choice but to swallow it all. I think that i am done but u tell me i have to make daddy cum again this time u pull out and paint my face with your luscious glaze. Some of it hits the floor and i eagerly lap it up for my daddy. Please Mr. Marcus make this fantasy reality for me.
Mr Marcus replies: Exactly.
Kaitlin: Thanks baby, but i am really a gay black man in philly, love ya.
Becky Carols writes Luke: Sorry to take up space devoted to your pathetic religious ramblings but, what I have to say here is important. It's funny how Mr. Marcus tells us to get his "Casting Couch" vids which are distributed by PRO-CONDOM, boring, lame-ass Vivid. I want everyone to know that LEX "Male Performer of the Year" STEEL has a new video series for ANABOLIC (the best porn maker in the U.S. and is very ANTI-CONDOM and very HARDCORE) which will be coming out shortly. It's now official: Lex is the Black King of Porn so, either bow down or get the hell out of the way.
Crime And Punishment
Chaim Amalek writes: (Luke, as this has little to do with the Kiwi porn mafia, you may well decide not to post this.)
Lynne, the disproportionate presence of black men in our prisons reflects not any war against blacks, but a very real war against crime. For example, according to statistics shown on a graph published in Newsweek a month or so ago (derived from DOJ numbers), black men murder at over four times the rate of white men (a figure that understates the disparity by overstating the white murder rate, as it apparently lumps certain violent non-white elements in with Americans of European descent). A direct consequence of this unhappy fact is that any forceful response to murder is going to nab disproportionately many black men for the simple reason that they kill more (per capita) than whites. Now what would you have society do, Lynne, to even out the numbers - place quotas on the number of black men who can be convicted of murder in a given year? Of course, murder is not the only serious crime for which prison is an appropriate punishment; there's always rape, for example. But I have no data in hand with which to conclude that black men are any more law abiding with respect to lesser violent crimes than they are with respect to murder. (If you have such data, please post it here.)
Our prison population is not soaring despite falling crime rates - rather, crime rates have fallen because hundreds of thousands of violent criminals have been tossed into prison. (I concede that nonviolent criminals too, have been incarcerated, and some, inevitably, for crimes that they did not commit. But my concern here is violent crime, which good data suggest is disproportionately the handiwork of young black men.) More violent criminals behind bars means fewer criminals on the street selling drugs, raping women, ripping off convenience stores, shooting bullets into human flesh etc.
As for the argument that the prison construction business is some great big powerful force that is behind our criminal justice system, that is equally detached from reality. Few places in America want prisons in their back yards, and these places tend to be populated by the least influential people around. I am not aware of any listing of the most influential businesses in America that includes prison construction. In any event, given the sort of people our prisons house, it is a good thing we have lots of prison space in this country. Consider the alternatives.
Lynne asserts that (white) society acts to "make sure that a full third of all black men do prison time for something". Wrong. The decision to murder or rape or set fire to a subway token booth or to bash some woman's head in with a brick is made at the individual level, and not by "society."
Finally, have you ever notice how patronizing people like Lynne are when speaking of black men? You would think that they were talking about children, horses, or prize goats:
"American Negroes are one of the greatest treasures of our culture and of the modern world"
I cannot imagine Lynne talking about Jews, Pathans, or Chinese people in such terms.
PS I have NOT asserted that the variation in crime rates among populations is determined by group genetics, a point on which I remain agnostic, pending further and better data. (Although it certainly is settled that the presence of a Y chromosome has a strong positive correlation with such crimes as rape and murder.)
Luke: I had dinner tuesday night with my friend XXX, who writes for XXX. I asked him if he believed in the Bell Curve... He said no but that he wouldn't be surprised if stats backed it up, but it was not a socially acceptable position to take.
First theramin concert conducted by a stripper in the history of the internet
Chaim writes: You know what a Theramin is, right? To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever used the movements of an exotic dancer to make Theramin music. YOU COULD BE THE FIRST. Just get some exotic dancer (KJ?) to show up at your place, tell the guys at your web site that you need a theramin and why, and let her rip. It will absolutely impress the s--- out of those internet geeks. You will go down in history as having staged the first theramin concert conducted by a stripper in the history of the internet. And you might get lucky with the stripper.
Luke's Love Life
I find that I am attracted to women unlike myself. Women who hold respectable jobs in polite society. Women like me, temperatmental artsy types, are not attractive to me.
Marc writes: oy gevalt. artsy inclinations needn't be a curse, for these reasons: (a) you live in the realm of hollywood, where plenty of well-heeled sellouts exist, who are paid generously to do work they despise; is rewriting tacky sitcom scripts any more noble than covering the porn business? i think not. (b) you are better inclined to share the desire for what is realistic together; (c) she might have had to sweat and slave her way into the current creative position; (d) i'm not a therapist, but don't you want encouragement for whatever tasks you undertake? whether it's a torah class or an interview with chyenne silver or some secretarial temp work, if she doesn't give a s--- about what you do, forget it ... and if she doesn't do anything you want to hear about, just give it up.
the E! gig is great. angle for a spin-off that'd cover all porn star tragedies. there are enough to go around, no? it's a ratings bonanza. pitch a "this week in adult" segment to run on the E! news daily, too. nothing screams "illicit tabloid sleaze" than an aussie accent (you may remember steve dunleavy, ex of " a current affair," now nypost scribe.)
Music critic J.D. Considine writes: Luke writes: "I find that I am attracted to women unlike myself. Women who hold respectable jobs in polite society. Women like me, temperatmental artsy types, are not attractive to me."
Wanting what you can't have isn't unusual. Wanting what you know you won't get, on the other hand, is seriously self-defeating.
But that's you all over, isn't it?
Take your profession. As a "porn journalist," you want an excuse to wade neck deep into the industry while miraculously escaping taint. As a journalistic enterprise, that's difficult but not impossible. Except you really don't want to treat this as journalism, do you? Not because you're too lazy or unschooled to be properly objective, but because objectivity is of no use to you. For one thing, you want an excuse to feel superior to the people in porn. You believe that what they're doing is destructive and wrong, and feel compelled to say so. At the same time, you want to be allowed intimate access to their world. It isn't just the dick-tingling proximity to all that sex; you also see a part of yourself in their lives, in the way they act out on desires you keep secret, and in the extent to which libido drives their world. So you allow yourself to be sucked in, playing their games while still trying to keep yours going, until you end up pleasing no one. Which, after all, was what you wanted in the first place. Because not only do you (deep down) want to be scorned by the straight, mainstream world for liking porn -- the only proper response the moralist in you can imagine -- you also want to be scorned by porners, so as to keep yourself from actually becoming one of them.
In other words, you set yourself up for failure because failure is what you believe you deserve.
It's tempting to add that you constantly push limits because you need to see your own self-hatred reflected in others, but it's not quite that simple. You are also a narcissist (all together now, "Well, duh!"). Sure, you get off on the attention of being hated, just as any bully or class clown would. But also need your adoring minions. You have to have some group who also thinks that Luke F-rd is the center of the universe. You just can't bring yourself to adore these minions back. (Remember Groucho's line about not wanting to join any club that would have him as a member?) So once you've secured their attention and loyalty, you demean them lest their love undercut your sense of yourself as a person undeserving of satisfaction. Hence your ongoing dance with NJG, Lynne L-patin, Kendra, Marc Weissblot, et al.
Wanting to be a Jew may be the ultimate example of your wanting what you know you won't get, but curiously, it's not about religion -- at least, not dogma or theology. For all your talk of ethical monotheism, your attraction to Judaism is at root about your repudiation of your father, and by extension yourself. Think about it. In abandoning Christianity, you turn your back on your birth father's life and works. But in rejecting "the Son" -- that is, the Christian Jesus -- you are, metaphorically, trying to erase your own identity as a son. Yahweh becomes your father, and you become someone else entirely. Or so you hope.
But it doesn't work, does it? Instead of making yourself into someone else -- a Gen-X Dennis Prager or real-life Chaim Amalek -- you simply establish a situation where you can neither be who you want to be, or who you really are. Guaranteed failure, and thus a perfect plan. So don't worry the girlfriend situation. Until you break out of this cycle of self-abnegating behavior, finding a mate is a moot point. Unless, of course, you're lucky enough to run into a woman who is f---ed up in a complimentary fashion, at which point you can look forward to many happy years of being mutually enabling.
Nice Jewish Girl - The Dr Kevorkian of Grief Counselors
NJG writes: Luke Daaaaahhhhhhlllllliiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnkkkkk!!! The fact that you are not attracted to tempermental artsy types like yourself means that you will forever be celibate. The *only* girls who would really like you for you are those types. Girls who are part of the so-called *in-crowd* (your words....NOT mine), you don't really really mean the real in-crowd dear. You mean the women who are from fabulously wealthy backgrounds irrespective of how they look. The only requirement is that they have lots of $$ and heaven forbid, they should like you back....well it would be all over! You know it's true. You completely withdraw emotionally from any girl, rich or poor that likes you....sad but true.
The only way for you to recover from this *illness* is to suffer. Badly, torturing yourself of these endless thoughts will help you. Suffering pangs of lonliness, NOT therapy will help you change. Besides, everyone in the world knows your shrink is a quack, any shrink that socializes in any way with her client is violating major ethics rules of therapy...
Anyways, I'm not worried. Everything works for you now till one day it won't, you will either see another shrink (a *real* shrink perhaps, and a male would be best for you, not a dumb orthodox female shrink who is completely clueless about your problems). Really, maybe you should have Mike South be your shrink....he's able to see through stuff pretty easily, Mike would be a great gestalt therapist btw, and you need a gestaltian therapist to confront you with your issues, because you refuse to see them, and refuse to change to be better towards females.
But again, until it doesn't work for you anymore you will continue to go along in your Sisyphisian task of Liking wealthy uninterested jewish girls in you, worshipping them and planning ahead in your mind only to be dropped hard on the ground because they don't want you or like you. But you knew that already. Otherwise you wouldn't like them. The game is: Don't like me, but let me crush/worship you unreasonably, and if you do like me I'll dump you.
The NJG: brandy did you see the thing on luke's between gloria leonard
The NJG: it's great, she's really good!
BrandyAlx1: I haven't been reading luke for a few weeks now.
The NJG: yeah I know, the XXXX thing was weird and stalker ish
BrandyAlx1: I didn't even read that. There's just nothing all that interesting
The NJG: hehe, i bought a bunch of msm eyedrops today
The NJG: how dare luke say he comes across as *too jewish*
The NJG: he will never be a jew
BrandyAlx1: How does he think he's too Jewish?
The NJG: it requires feelings
The NJG: "I have been too hasty, and too Jewish, too often and too much. And I am very sorry. And if I were you, I'd probably respond the same way. "
The NJG: that's luke
BrandyAlx1: He still doesn't explain what he think Jewish" is
The NJG: hehe no he doesn't does he
The NJG: maybe luke should tell us
The NJG: maybe he should substitute that he's now converted to being a black american now?
The NJG: because it's the same thing
The NJG: you can just say your black or jewish without ever *experiencing* it
The NJG: black was a little impossible to say that he was, so he just said *jewish* instead
BrandyAlx1: Maybe its because he feels more devout than the average secular "born" Jew
BrandyAlx1: Most religious converts are like that
The NJG: since he doesn't like blacks or mexicans he chose jews instead, the group everyone hates, because he feels that everyone hates him
The NJG: and he wanted to marry wealthy and it's easier to find wealthy jewesses than wealthy black or mexican chix
The NJG: think of it as being a learning experience, I am serious
The NJG: pain takes us down very spiritual paths and helps us to change in a more positive direction, don't you think? :O) Luzdedos1: yes, that i was so needy and longing for xxx revealed alot about me
The NJG: I think that though this is painful, (hugs you) it is good for you, I can see that you are starting to *open up more* seriously
The NJG: the fact that you allowed yourself to care is a good sign
The NJG: and the more pain one experiences and processes and say learns to process in a healthy way (i.e., learning from it) the better of a human being they become...
The NJG: just read your e to me, it is beautiful...and I see that you are really trying....I'm proud of you (hugs you again) Luzdedos1: thanks (hugs NJG back)
The NJG: the fact is I think you are taking a baby step to change former negative behaviours is wonderful.
Curious writes: Jeez! NJG I am so glad you do not work as a grief counselor or suicide hotline operator! With friends like you to kick Luke when he's down who needs Christy Lake? Where is you empathy? Where is your sympathy? Where are you f---in' manners?
Luke: I found this headline on AOL which spoke to my heart. "Relationship Fantasy? Make It Work [by clicking on this link]."
And I found this from John Gray (Mars and Venus): Is there a way to meld our ideals with the reality of our lives? Sure, if you:
1. Think positive, not negative. If you put forth a more positive front, others want to be around you, and better yet, try to please you.
2. Change yourself, not your loved ones. Any change you make in yourself has a ripple effect on those around you. For example, when you look your best, others will put forth the effort to do so in your presence.
3. Treat others the same way you'd want them to treat you. If you show your loved one respect, it will be reciprocated. If you are romantic, you put them more in the mood. Life is like a mirror: what we put out to others will be reflected back to us.
4. By being romantic, you will attract romance to you. You are alluring, interesting, funny, and powerful. Don't be afraid to show these facets to others. By doing so you will attract alluring, interesting, funny and powerful people -- and at the same time, bring out those assets in those around you.
Chaim writes: Which do you have, a cable modem or DSL? Unfortunately, I have Time Warner's Road Runner service, which has proven to be a disaster. Now here is a real question for you to ask all your Webmaster friends (this is not really of interest to your broader internet audience). If one has a cable modem, everyone in the cosmos on the internet can peer into one's hard drive, right? What sort of hardware/software is there for home use that would prevent this? I asked the tech who installed this s--- about the risk, and he grunted that there wasn't any risk to me, since Time Warner was very very careful. Of course, he barely spoke any english, so the odds are he did not fully understand my question. Do you have a firewall? How do you prevent others from scanning your hard drive when you are sleeping or out davening?
Luke, download this software called BlackIce Defender. It is so extremely unstable as to be essentially useless, but it will show you every time that someone has tried to access your computer (for the few minutes that it runs before crashing), AND it will give the IP address of the hacker! This will make you very paranoid very fast. The shabbos goys at Road Runner lie and say they are running a secure service. NO WONDER EVERYONE HATES THE JEWS. (Gerald Levin of T-W is a jew.)
I don't mean to sound paranoid or like a scold, but for a guy who is facing suits in which a very hostile party out to nail you is trying to get just this sort of information, you seem pretty nonchalant about it.
Bart: In response to your question about cable modems and firewalls, I use a Dlink DI-701 Residential Gateway. It keeps people out and lets you do your thing as if ti weren't even there. It will also aid in setting up multiple computers on your cable modem. Worth every penny. Check it out at: http://www.dlink.com/products/broadband/di701/