Sunday, June 4th, 2000
AJB writes on RAME: It's been a while since we've had a real nasty butt f---ing high profile porn starlet up here. There was an awful drought of no porn stars at all during the winter; and lately there's been a good number of stars but they've mainly been pretty Vivid type girls. But I don't want super-stars. I want pooper-stars. Porn babes that are pretty yet take it up the poop chute with love and enthusiasm. Enter Davia Ardell.
Davia hasn't done any porn movies in a bit over 2 years but she did a couple hundred XXX flicks and there's always the hope for more. I've always had a fetish for her: I love her petite body and her seemingly innocent farmer's daughter kind of face. It floats my boat to know that this tiny little maiden has corrupted and mutated herself into a bolt-on hooters anal porn slut taking loads of cream on that cutie-pie face. So when I heard she was in town, she put the "go" into my gonads. I went to see her strip show at the Whiskey A Go Go in northern Toronto Wednesday night and Friday night. Might even see her again this weekend.
The first show I saw she came out dressed like a ghetto tramp, a girl from the hood: cotton pull-over toque, nylon track pants, halter top. The music was appropriately rap / rock type tunes by Kid Rock and others. Her hair is still blonde but has a mauve coloured tinge to it now and she had sparkles over her hair, face, chest.
There was a tremendous roar from the crowd when she finally whipped out her torpedo tits. I'm usually not into huge breast implants but I make an exception for Davia Ardell. She should have been born with these tits. Big power boobs on a girl only a little larger than a cabbage patch doll tells us: "my purpose in life is to make your cock stiff".
With Davia it doesn't stop with big boobs. She also surrendered her asshole for the pleasure of millions of strokers. And I got a good look at her asshole both during the show and especially later when I got a private dance from her. (More on that in a bit...) Davia stuck her buns into the faces of some guys sitting in pervert's row. I was close enough to see her flex her butt cheeks and I swear her anus winked at me.
She had one prop that I've never seen before. It was a pair of what looked like party noise makers -- like those rattle sounding gizmos people shake at New Year's Eve parties. But these toys didn't make noise; instead they had red light emitting diodes that were programmed in such a way that as she rotated the rattle you could see messages spelled out in mid-air. Her left hand's rattle read "PORN STAR" and the right hand's rattle read "DAVIA ARDELL". I guess the way these gizmos work is that the LEDs change their pixel on/off status once every 30th of a second so the illusion of a solid line of pixels in the horizontal plane is made. Excuse me, I'm a tech geek so can't help but wonder about stuff like this...
Davia molested a few patrons but nothing mind blowing happened. There were several boobie avalanches on the faces of a select dude's faces. The DJ made a microphone "thud" sound effect each time one of Davia's huge boobs smacked a patron's face.
After her show was over, she didn't come out for photos. This, of course, is my prime fun at a porn star strip show. So I was getting worried. However, about an hour after her show I noticed her walking towards the back of the club. So I jumped out of my seat and hastened to the rear (so to speak) and was lucky enough to "accidently" intercept her. I asked politely if there was any chance she was doing polaroids or whether I was interrupting her meal or something. She smiled and said, "no problem". We agreed to meet at the front of the club.
A few minutes later she was there in all her porn star glory. I was surprised at just how short she really is. Probably not even 5 feet tall. And the contrast between her bust size and her waist plus the science fiction style hair colour made me suspect whether she too is part of the alien race of beings who have been infiltrating the human race for the last three decades in the guise of porn stars. I've covered this theory of mine before on RAME in the context of the "mysterious anal glop" sightings noticed by many posters. But that's a discussion for another time...
I pulled out a couple of porno mags I have of Davia. She was shocked by one hard core mag I had because she had never seen it before and certainly hadn't been paid for it. It was a series of pics lifted from a video she did with Alex Sanders and some floozy named Shawna. She checked out the publisher's info and I almost saw her reaching for a cell phone call to a lawyer. But of course, she knew that it was just another instance of a rip off in the porn industry. These girls are robbed blind for their work all the time and I think they all assume there's no chance to get their due.
Anyway, I didn't ask her to autograph the porn mags because it would be like her condoning herself getting ripped off. (I'm oh so "sensitive".) Got a half decent polaroid of me and Davia done. Shows me barely able to wrap me hands around her enormous tits. Real sweet smile on her face. Didn't take her pants off though. I'm still hoping I can get a second pic done with her: nice and close up, maybe with my face resting against her thigh, fairly close to her pussy. I'll have to see if it's possible or not.
Now here's the good part. I asked her for a lap dance and an interview and she said yes. Yum. So we went to the private lounge and she started to do me. All her clothes came off quick thank gawd. She slid her knockers over my face a couple times. Ground her ass into my lap as well. Think about: anal princess porn f--- queen Davia Ardell working me over. She slid down the entire length of my body at one point, her face grazing over my crotch and then she ended up with her knees on the floor and her face lovingly gazing up from my crotch into my lust glazed eyes. Damn me for wearing tight underwear. I wish I could have let my flag pole show for Davia. The best, and I mean BEST part of it all was when I asked her for a second dance. (BTW, $50 per dance. Totally worth it though.)
She spent about two minutes of the second dance with her sweet bare shaven pussy about two inches from my face. Her labia are super meaty and large. I just stared at her juicy pork chop like labia as she worked herself over with her fingers. She went out of her way to spread her vagina wide open for me and she exposed her pink clit meat over and over. Oh man was it hot. She did this cute thing where she'd rub her pussy and then flick the fingers at my face as if to shoot some pussy juice droplets at my tongue. I was tempted many a time to wiggle my tongue out and slurp that pink meaty pussy. She must of sensed that because she showed me her pierced tongue sliding over one of her fingers.
And was ass control! She positioned herself so I had a super close view of her asshole. Then she flexed her sphincter so I could see it opening and closing. Davia Ardell truly is an anal princess. You just know that if you ever slipped your dick into that sweet chocolate hole of hers, she could work her ass muscles to massage you prick as you're ass f---ing her. That's my kind of woman.
After the dance was over and Davia licked the cum stains off my pants --- oops! that was a slight exageration, strike that. She let me interview her. Of course it was just an amateur thing, I didn't even have a way of transcribing it. But I'll try to re-create the interview as best I can. I think what's below is fairly close to verbatim, including some of my own and Davia's personal style of speaking.
AJB: So how many more years do you think you'll be in the adult industry?
Davia Ardell: Well, I haven't done any films in about two and a half years.
AJB: Right, I was aware of that. But I'm saying in terms of the larger adult industry with strip clubs and porn fans related stuff. How long do you think you'll keep that up? Do you picture yourself settling down soon?
Davia Ardell: I think that once I'm about 35 and I've saved up enough money for a nice house in Las Vegas I retire then. I'll keep on going as long as it's fun.
AJB: What do you think about the whole condom vs. no condom issue in the porn industry?
Davia Ardell: Well, there's a few things to think about. They changed the way AIDS testing was done to PCR and that's really quick. You do the test one day and get the results soon after. And it's accurate. So with everyone getting tested it's really as safe as if the guys had condoms on. Of course, the testing has to be more than just AIDS, it has to be for clamidyia, syphillis and all the rest. BUT if, let's say, I was going to f--- a guy at this club. Well then I'd definitely have him use a condom. (AJB internal monologue: "hmmm... could Davia be telling me I have a chance to f--- her?)
AJB: And there was that big scare in the industry awhile back.
Davia Ardell: Oh yeah. What was that guy's name that got it? It was...
AJB: Marc Wallace.
Davia Ardell: That's it. Marc. And you know, I was scheduled to do a scene with him in just a few days before the news came out. But I just had this feeling I shouldn't do a scene with him. So I didn't luckily.
AJB: Yes, Christina Angel was telling me something similar. She was going to work with him but then the news came out. But there were some girl's who got it like Brook Ashley and...
Davia Ardell: And Tricia Devereaux! I did a scene with her maybe a year before she got infected. So I didn't get anything. But still, it's scary.
AJB: Let me ask you some goofy questions for the fans on Rec Arts Movies Erotica. Uh... first of all, do you know that Peter North was originally Canadian?
Davia Ardell: No way! Really?
AJB: Yup. From Newfoundland or somewheres on the east coast. Anyway, seeing as how Peter North is pretty good looking and a hot performer but guys like Max and Ron Jeremy are prototypical Americans, which bunch of guys looks better and f---s better: Canadian boys or American boys?
Davia Ardell (contemplates the question deeply, diplomatically): Well it really depends on the person. I can't really say. It's like when people ask if I like girls better than guys. It just depends.
AJB: Depends on their personality.
Davia Ardell: Exactly. (AJB internal monologue: "oh I've got lots of personality for you honey".)
AJB: I'm wondering which porn studs have the best tasting cum and the worst tasting cum. Or is it all the same?
Davia Ardell: It all depends on diet. Some men have cum that's sweet, some that's kind of bitter.
AJB: Sweet?!
Davia Ardell: Oh yeah. You mentioned Peter North. He takes good care of himself. His cum is good.
AJB: I've gotta get a list of his diet habits. You seem to take good care of yourself. You're drinking a tea and you mentioned before the dance you wish you had some Echinshea to put in it.
Davia Ardell: Definitely, I take care of myself. I always put some herb in my tea to prevent getting sick. (AJB internal monologue: "my cum in your tea cup would be curative too sweetie".)
AJB: There's a lot of debate over natural tits versus breast enhancements. I think yours are great. Do you have any regrets? Any problems with the implants?
Davia Ardell: Oh no, I've had them five years and no problems. And their silicon. I love my tits. They made me feel more confident, I feel better looking. There are 4 or 5 films of me before my breast job. But I like what I've got right now.
AJB: Silicon eh? I thought those were the type that girl's worried about the most.
Davia Ardell: No problems. It was funny: there was this one guy here at the club whose eyes were popping out and he asked how I keep my breasts up. I told him I don't even have to wear a bra. They just stay nice and stacked.
AJB: Related to the natural tits thing... the adult industry is always into young women of course, but more so I think in the last couple of years. You see some many titles with the word "teen" in it.
Davia Ardell: Yeah, I hate that. I saw some links on my web site to teenage girl sites. I'm going to ask to have those links taken off. I did some films with themes where I was dressed youngish but never anything that made me look like a child. I don't like that stuff.
AJB: And what about gang bangs, inter-racial, fisting and all that.
Davia Ardell: There's always someone trying to get you to do more and more. I just wasn't interested in gang bangs, they don't look good. I controlled exactly what I wanted to do.
AJB: If you compared the end of your film career with your early films, would you say you had more control later on or were you taking charge from the beginning?
Davia Ardell: Definitely right from the beginning.
AJB: Cool. I was reading Bianca Trump on RAME once and she was saying how early in her career she was not totally confident and doing what she wanted. Then, when she made her comeback in the last couple years or so, she felt super in-control. She said she had a grudge f--- with TT Boy and f---ed him into submission. (I show her my polaroid pics of me and Bianca Trump.)
Davia Ardell: That's great!
AJB: What about Max Hardcore? He's viewed as being very rough and nasty.
Davia Ardell: Yes but he's a nice guy in person, behind the scenes. But some girls would get pissed off with him if they didn't know where to draw the line.
AJB: Oh really? Like Nikki Brantz maybe.
Davia Ardell: I think she got tired of it. And he was spreading rumours about me at one time. He was saying he got me into the industry and he was dating me. Not true. I phoned him up and wrung him out for that. But still, he's generally an okay guy.
AJB: So then, who did get you into the industry?
Davia Ardell: I was dancing at a club ((AJB's note: can't recall which club Davia said)) and I met Danyel Cheeks. So like, she came on to me. I told her I'd never done it with a girl before and stuff. But we became friends and two days later she asked if I wanted to look into porn films. I spent a couple weeks just looking at productions behind the scenes, not doing scenes. I liked it and went ahead and did some films. Danyel was kind of leaving the industry around the time I was just starting.
AJB: Do you see yourself as kind of a feminist?
Davia Ardell: Feminine what? ((AJB's note: maybe she didn't hear me or maybe she didn't know what a feminist is. Not sure I do for that matter.))
AJB: A femininst? A strong woman that lives life by her own rules. Maybe, dare I say, a role model for other women?
Davia Ardell: Kind of. I meet young girls at the strip clubs and they're all curious about making money in porn. I sit them down and tell them to think it through. If you get into porn it stays with you forever. I ask the girls: "do you have children?" And if they say yes, I tell them that one day their kids might see you in a porn film. Because that porn keeps getting recycled for years and years. And also, there might be nice guys who won't marry you or jobs you can't hold because you have a past in porn.
AJB: And you're never going to become President of the United States.
Davia Ardell (laughs): Well, Clinton's pretty horny. But that's the thing. All those f---ing judges and politicians and religious leaders are so against porn. But what do they really do? They're whacking off to porn films like everyone else. Total liars.
AJB: I think that kind of hypocritical attitude runs through our entire civilization. People have all these rules and morals about sex to keep it restricted but meanwhile everyone wants to get f---ed. One more question, for my personal interest. Do you remember a performer named Shonna Lynn? I know you did one scene at least where you were beside a pool pretending to be the camera girl and Shonna Lynn was getting double penetrated right on front of you. Do you know who I'm talking about?
Davia Ardell: I'm not sure. I wonder if that was Venom?
AJB: No, don't think so. Shonna Lynn was this mulatto girl with a high forehead and big floppy tits. I was hoping you'd have some clue for me but I guess not.
Davia Ardell: No, sorry. Most of the girls I never really get to know but I did make friends with a few. AJB: Oh well... guess I'll have to continue the search for Shonna Lynn elsewhere. Thanks for the interview.
Davia Ardell: You're sweet! (Gives me a kiss on the cheek. Left huge lip stick mark.)
On Friday night I checked out two more instances of Davia Ardell's show. There were even better. One show she came out in an elaborate costume with angel wings and an angel halo over her head. One of the most inventive outfits I've ever seen a porn queen wear. She played more Kid Rock tunes. I begin to wonder if she has a thing for him or has f---ed Kid Rock. She spotted me in pervert's show and paid extra attention to me by wrapping her legs around my shoulders and shoving her pussy close to my face. And this one dude got on stage, she reached down his underwear, stuffed a rolled up poster into his undies and then proceeded to jack it off and suck on it as if it were a cock. Pretty funny. Another guy got on stage and she rubbed her tits against his nipples for half a minute. He was into it. If you get a chance to see Davia Ardell, check her out. Definitely one of the most friendly, approachable porn girls I've ever met and a solid dance show.
Czech Jewish Chick
CJC writes: Hallo Luke F-rd Mr,
I met some while ago interesting nice pornogrphy regiseur whose name I not want say in internet cafe in Prague while I was doing research for my theses on evolutionary biology, and buggery in 20th century. He was reading on computer next to me your site and laughing big histerics and drinking very good (and cheap) our Czech beer. Our relation I keep private but I think he just want yous my body anyway, but it is ok because I like and he have lot of money to and helps me wit my English. Other days I read about TJC and I wonders why American Jewish girleys and chicks don't like sex or like look at sex. I think secret she is what you say? angry dyke wit very small boobbes? Czech Jewish Chickys like very much the sex and sometimes dirty film if it is good one, wit nice boyfriend. Can not much watch dirty film because Czech jewish men are poor. I look your picture you look like very nice sexy gentleman. Don't Israil go, come to Prague please.
Sorry very for bad English,
Sincerli,
Czech Jewish Chick.
Luke: It was a pleasure hearing from you.
CJC: Oh thank you Luke F-rd Mr. for yours reply, So when you come to Prague? From my wit apartament near IP Pavlova is very good kosher (and cheap) delecatessan my moder teach me what good and nice Jewish man from west like food eat. I am very nice girl and young. Inteligent studing my theses and like very much the good sex and sometimes dirty film (if it is good one). Very much man come here and dirty film make now and you could do yours on set the peaces on dirty film biznis in Praha and intresting Czech Republic culture. Very happy am I that Tough Jewish Chick make not troball for you more on yours very nice and educating site. Sincerli CZJC. Czech Jewish Chick.
Erotica LA
Aghast demands: Brother Terry, I expect a limousine to take me to the Mondo Family Films booth at LA Erotica. A deluxe limousine complete with hot and cold running Mono Girls. Have you duplicated my COLOR glossy head shots yet? MFF's new Vice President of Public Relations deserve no less. What time am I signing? Will you provide my tuxedo? Will I be staying at the Chateau Marmot or the Bel Age? Dammit man, time is short!
Halitosis writes: Mr. Luke F-rd! I am not sure if YOU were at the LA Erotica convention Friday night, but I do know that THREE of my future brides were present.
1st: Spotting: Ms. Alexandra Silk was wearing a very patriotic and wonderfully designed two piece outfit. I was only able to get a couple of words with her before some other fellows kind of pushed me to the side. I noticed Ms. Silk had one of those laser pointers and kept projected a "Smiley" face on some of the attendees "lower" areas. I believe she is using the projected image to remind the male attendees to check our "Mr. Happy" when we get home. I certainly will check myself this evening Ms. Silk and Thank You! (www.AlexandraSilk.com)
2nd Spotting: After visiting the Fallen Angel (www.fallenangelxxx.com) booth I noticed a halo effect straight ahead of me. I moved toward the light and saw a true angel - Misty Rain! (www.MistyRain.net) Of course there was a line to get to see her up close. As I got close I began to get very dizzy. I suddenly fainted. Misty jumped across her booth and quickly laid by me and applied her waist on my chin and mouth area. I quickly came to and could only cry knowing that my life had been preserved by this sweet and lovely person. I have low blood sugar and the excitement of seeing her must have caused me to pass out. Misty said it's a common medical condition with her fans. She said it is called "Hypo-Misty-See-Dic". It sounded a little like Hypoglycemic, but that is not what happened. Thank you Misty. I owe you my life, please be my wife. Let's not forget
3rd Spotting: Stephanie Swift (www.RealSwift.com) with Wicked video. I could not even get close. It was pandemonium by Ms. Swifts area. The boys and girls were jumping up and down and I kept getting pushed around. I could only see her in her delightful gold outfit. I wish that Joy King lady with Wicked would just let me get this wedding ring to Stephanie and then I will talk to her when all of us get married. I did get a nice Wicked calendar so I can look at it tonight while I check myself area out for any medical problems. I will try to make contact with all three of them again Saturday. I need to get these marriages wrapped up quickly. My Mom is putting a lot of pressure on me.
Marty writes: Man Oh Man. This Mondo Video sounds hot! "Camp Erotica" you say. I don't remember any of my summer camps soundin' like this one. Oooh doggies. I saw that little KiKi or KeeKee sweetie at the LA Erotica show Friday night. She is some cutie. I'd like to roast my wienie with her. I know that Ms. Lixxx is gonna be smokin' I saw her in one of those BJ films and she is H-O-T! What's this Francis Lurid thing all about. A former child actor like him doin' porno. Shooo-doggies. Score one for this films director and producer. Sign me up for a couple of copies. Who do I send the check to?
Brother Terry writes: response to Marty: Marty, old son, your post brought a tear to my eye. You sound like a man of taste and refinement, and if I hadn't recently hired someone as our new V.P. of Public Relations, I would love to have you come be a part of the Mondo Family Films team. KiKi did look hot yesterday, didn't she? Before she went to the convention, we shot a really hot scene with her and a very lucky European cucumber. Since Luke's readers seem to have calmed down a bit from earlier this week, I have decided against better judgement to send in some digital pix in advance of the chromes. I think you will be pleased. One of the pix is of the beautiful Melinda Strange, who plays Annette, one of the counselors at Camp Erotica ( a non-sex role , alas.) Marty, I'm with you on Rikki Lixx, she sho' nuff is hot. I know the BJ video you are referring to, and she is super nasty in it. We saw that video and wanted to use her in one of our projects. Her performance in Camp Erotica proves that we were right in casting her as Nasty Nurse Nancy. The other pix I am sending Luke are of Chuckles the Chef, Col. Rob, Mondo Chris, a really sexy one of KiKi solo, and one of the brilliant Titus Moody and KiKi. P.T.L. and W.W.J.D. Brother Terry.
Pimp Daddy Curious Looks Out For Luke
Pimp Daddy Curious writes: Concerning your long overdue transition from porn journalist to porn performer please allow me to be your "suitcase pimp" for a moment and analyze the situation. Before I commit you to having sex on camera with a "very blonde and famous" starlet. I must establish the ground rules with the producers of this epic to insure that my talent (i.e., Luke) is properly cared for.
Catering considerations: The producers must accommodate Luke's eccentric kosher vegetarian life style. And not just with a bottle of soy milk and a protein bar. I mean "classy vegetarian food," whatever, "classy vegetarian food" is.
Moral considerations: A Rabbi must be on set to marry Luke and the mystery starlet 5 minutes prior to the sex scene and a Jewish lawyer must be present to execute divorce proceeding 5 minutes after Luke's copious facial pop-shot. This way Luke can remain firm to his belief that sex be reserved for the holy marital bed even if it is only for 30 minutes and the holy marital bed is surrounded by two videographers, a sound man, a still photographer, and a director.
Religious considerations: Filming may NOT take place between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday in strict observance of the Jewish Sabbath unless, of course, the chick is really, really hot. God forgives.
Sexual considerations: Careful. This may be one of those bisexual films. Will Luke be getting busy with the mystery starlet and all of a sudden Matt Ramsey pops out of the closet and joins in the mix? This may NOT occur unless, of course, the guy is really, really hot. Chaim forgives.
Box Cover considerations: Luke must appear on the box cover with the mystery starlet. He must also be allowed to hold a copy of A History of X prominently in his hand in order to pimp his long dead book.
Website Advertising considerations: Mystery starlet is required to have "www.l-keford.com" tattooed on her left breast for website promotion purposes. The right breast shall be tattooed with "www.geneross.com" out of Luke's deep respect for the elderly and in hopes of securing a coveted AVN Pre-Nom in the "Best Video featuring a Vegetarian, Jewish, Porn Journalist over Six Feet Tall" category.
Merchandising considerations: Luke must receive a minimum 25% royalty on all cross promotional products bearing his name or likeness including, but not limited to: Luke F-rd Dildo - 5 1/2 inches of Jewish steel, Luke F-rd Vegetable Based Anal Lube, and if it is a bisexual film the Luke F-rd Kosher Vibrating Butt Plug.
Security considerations: Under no circumstances will anyone going by the name of "Amy Steinberg" or "Tough Jewish Chick" be allowed on set unless it is in a "fluffer" capacity.
Cast Approval considerations: Luke has 100% cast approval power and as such his business manager / confidant, Curious in Modesto, will costar with all the hot porn sluts! Curious, however, will be allowed to perform in a full face mask so as to protect his identity and preserve his dignity.
Well, Luke? What do you say? Can Pimp Daddy Curious be your "suitcase pimp." Or more accurately. Will you be my "Bitch"?
Lynne writes: I'm really upset that Luke has decided to do a movie with someone else, Pimp Daddy Curious, since he was the star of my last movie and I would like to book him for a sequel before his price goes up from a beach towel to a lawn chair. In my movies, we avoid anal sex, but, for Luke, we will make an exception.
I insist on condoms -- if you are really looking out for out Lukey, are you going to make sure he's allowed to use condoms when he has anal sex with buxom, blonde porn stars?
Since I enjoy preparing my own craft service tables and catering my own productions -- for the gay movies we have lots of healthful fruit juices and salads, so if Luke would prefer to do a gay movie with me, I'll make sure he has healthful fare. Otherwise, for vegetarian food, we will have all the potato chips Luke can eat, and since you insist on classy I would make sure they're organic potato chips bought from a health food store.
I would be happy to have a Rabbi on set to marry Luke to his choice of sexual partners; however, as the producer paying the Rabbi, I will request perks. Possibly from the Rabbi, probably from Luke. Depending on how busy the Rabbi keeps me.
I'm happy to schedule shooting around Luke's religious considerations, but I'm in charge of the schedule, not some forgiving supernatural deity. Even if the chick is reallly, really hot. God may forgive, but the producer won't.
Should Luke be getting busy with the mystery starlet when, all of a sudden, an equally gorgeous guy pops out of the closet, the producer will first request perks. The guy will be too tired to join in later. Chaim will have to live with his envy and frustration.
I have no problem with Luke on the box -- I like both men and women on the box cover. Only no long dead A History of X -- necrophilia doesn't sell.
After the mystery starlet has "www.l-keford.com" tattooed on her left breast and "www.geneross.com" tattooed on her right, I'm going to have the tattoo artist put a picture of Luke kneeling nder the riding crop of the Tough Jewish Chick, topless, in black patent stiletto lace up boots, fishnet stockings and a Nazi officer's cover (for you ex-military boys out there who get it) on my left thigh.
Luke will receive his 25% merchandising royalties from anything relating to my movie, including the Luke F-rd Graduated Butt Plug Set especially designed to for facilitate anal sex with Jewish women and the Luke F-rd Ball Gag (a real gossip stopper) but I retain all rights to the prototype Luke F-rd blow up doll with the vibrating 8" realistic penis (Hey, this is a fantasy and a producer can dream, can't she?)
A full contingent of doctors will escort "Amy Steinberg" aka nom de porn "Tough Jewish Chick" while she is on my set, not only to distract her from Luke while she is not whipping him for consorting with the "mystery blond starlet" but also to attend to Luke's wounds when she is finished using her riding crop on Luke's tender, virgin bottom.
Luke retains 100% cast approval, and while his business manager / confidant, Curious in Modesto, personally examines each hot porn slut for fitness and STD's, Luke will participate in a full undress rehersal with the producer so that she is sure he understands what he will be called upon to do for the video.
Curious need not perform with a face mask -- I'll give him the full, Ron Jeremy cinematographic technique and only the last eight inches of Curious's dick will appear on screen.
Curious, Luke may be your "Bitch," but he'll always be my "Princess."
Pimp Daddy Curious Responds: Lynne, If Luke's eccentric, kosher, vegetarian requirements can be better met on a gay set then so be it. His dietary health is paramount! I have read that male gay porn star can make quadruple what a "straight" (we know they're all gay) male porn actor can. Luke needs quick cash for his Israeli Singles Mission so as his "suitcase pimp" I say, "Book it!"
My understanding of gay-subculture is that Luke's body type falls into the category of a "Twink," which I think in gay porn is a good thing, but a quick call to Peter "Man Rammer" North can confirm this. I have come up with a script treatment for Luke's homosexual star making vehicle, "Goldie-Luke and the Three Bears." "Bears," of course, being the gay slang for a burly, hairy dominant homosexual male. And don't ask me how I know so much about gay subculture!
My main problem is that, by Luke's own admission, he has let his body go to hell. I propose that we use some of Luke's older photos, back when he was a "gorgeous bitch," as a box cover. Misleading? Somewhat. But once the queer world gets a dose of Luke's raw charisma, charming accent and superior fellatio skills I am sure all will be forgiven. If this thing flies I am thinking of a series for Luke set in the Australian Outback. I want to call it "Aboriginal and Anal."
Flesh Peddler Lynne, your porno analysis is requested. Does Luke have what it takes to be the next major gay cultural icon? "Gorgeous Bitch"
Lynne: Be still, my pounding heart! Those strong shoulders, that tiny waist! I'm shaking all over. Yes, Luke F-rd has what it takes to be the male icon for the millenium, gay or straight (believe it or not, there are women out there who appreciate a beautiful man, even without a wallet in his back pocket, or preferably without a back pocket at all).
Luke, who at 34 is just coming into the full bloom of ripe masculinity, is too old to be a "twink." Instead we must cast him as a gorgeous young professional just realizing that it is time to come out of the closet and claim his right to man-on-man love. I have several scenarios in mind, involving beautiful clothes, beautiful restaurants, beautiful cars and lovely interior design. Gay media moguls will attempt to seduce Luke into personal relationships with promises of media exposure. Rupert Murdoch (maintaining an Australian theme), Barry Diller and David Geffen will each offer Luke the job of his dreams, which will excite him so much that he begs for anal penetration. That way, when they screw him over a contract, he can masturbate thinking about the real thing.
Having just gotten an "A" in my weight training class, I can serve as Luke's personal trainer as well as his producer, and shall ensure the return of his body to the peak of physical perfection. With the help of the guys at Friendly Summer Camp Mondo, I will design a series of special exercises guaranteed to work Luke's each and every muscle to its utmost strength and endurance. After six weeks of my personalized instruction, the newly buff Luke F-rd will become the most beautiful man on the planet. We shall have to shroud him in purdah and keep him in seclusion to avoid impromptu riots and cultic mass suicides.
I think we can do a lot better than "Aboriginal and Anal," Curious. For marketing purposes, all titles should have Luke's name in them. " Luke F-rd: Queer in Queensland" comes to mind, as well as "Luke Goes Down -- Down Under. "Luke F-rd Goes Native" will cover his sex adventures among the Aborigines. "Luke F-rd in Six Days that Shook the World" could be sub-titled "And on the seventh, he NEEDED his rest!" I think Mel Bourne might be a good name for his Aussie character.
Reminiscent of Mel Gibson, another Aussie who sets hearts to fluttering. But I think we really should plan on making Luke a bisexual for these movies, like Jeff Stryker (a wonderful man, by the way).
Knowing that Luke swings both ways is very exciting to those homosexual viewers who know that, once Luke gets a really good ass f---, he will never look back. We can hire Paul Baressi to direct. Paul has an excellent understanding of men who purport to be straight while they secretly lust after being an object of desire to other men. He could bring in John Travolta in a non-sex role to counsel Luke about retaining his hetero audience while indulging his predilection toward men.
So you see, Pimp Daddy Curious, I have given a lot of thought to promoting Luke F-rd as the first sexual icon of the millenium. In fact, pretty much all I think about is Luke F-rd having sex, if not with me, then with you, or with anyone else. For my life must be filled with beauty, and Luke is beautiful in every way. And, as a Jewish movie producer, I must capitalize on my obsessions, or I will have a lot of explaining to do come Yom Kippur.
Curious: Lynne is the original "Tough Jewish Chick." I love her, but I must resist the siren's call. I have always fantasized about a porn star, but I have some boundaries.
To: Lynne Lopatain
From: Pimp Daddy Curious
Subject: Luke F-rd's Homo Appeal
DO NOT SHOW THIS MEMO TO LUKE ! !
Lynne, I am mortified! I have surveyed a few of my homosexual friends concerning Luke's gay porn shift and I have found that Luke's queer appeal is tragically quite limited. Apparently the stars of homosexual porn are far more handsome than the Ron Jeremys and Randy Wests of straight porn. They all feel that Luke is cute enough for print media and radio, but for as for masturbation fodder . . . sadly he scores less than zero with the "pink triangle" crowd. He is the gay equivalent of a Camp Erotica girl. One gay man I questioned said bluntly that he wouldn't f--- Luke with "Gene Ross's dick!"
One friend did offer some hope. He said that Luke may have some chance in gay porn if he was a "size queen." I figured that "size" meant penis size, but Lynne it didn't! "Size" referred to the size of the objects that he could accommodate in his rectum! Now I know he took XXX's foot up his ass once, but I don't know if that really qualifies him as a "size queen."
I feel just awful! I built up Luke's hopes for him to rake in the easy cash of a homo porn "twink" and now this. Another crushing defeat for Luke. I don't know how to break the news to him that he is as unpopular with gay men as he is with straight women. Lynne, how do I tell him?
Charmaine Star and her Sister
Torris: In REalsexmagazine 18 it says that Charmane Star and her sister Leah are in the video. Are there any movies where they go to town on each other or perform together with a parolee?
Dolorosax writes on RAME: Nah, there's a scene somewhere where they do their respective guys in the same room, but that's as close as producers could coax them. Leah Santiago was a real little cutie, a carbon copy of her sister except for that she'd whelped and her breasts reflected it; she also struggled mightily with the condom issue and ended up retiring early on. Too bad; she was genuinely turned on even by doing bjs!
I Wanna Gap Girl - Khakis or Jeans
Chaim writes: Memo to MW/LF
Subject: Eye-Catching Reportage to Make a Name for Yourself
Jews control most of Hollywood, television, and important print media in America. But whither the web?
Will the impending Time-Warner absorbtion of through ingestion by goyishe run AOL, along with legal tools advanced by the ADL and Janet Reno (to fight net "hate" and defend the integrity of the copyright) suffice to vault the jews to the first rank of power on and over the net?
Jewish vs. Chinese Media Lords: Inevitable clash?
Which has the more leverage: society over television, or television over society?
What is too muslim for television? Why are muslims invisible on radio/tv/fashion etc.?
Who among us deserves his very own blonde GAP girl, and why?
Luke: What is a GAP girl? Do you mean gape girl?
Chaim: The Gap is a chain of clothing stores that sells mostly basic stuff like jeans and tops to women and to a lesser extent, to men. (I have never bought anything there, as I prefer to do my shopping at Moe Ginzberg's and Today's Man. The Gap chooses not to carry pants with a 28 inch inseam and 76 inch waist.) They have lots of stores on the Upper West Side - about 95 that I walk by every day. Each is festooned with large posters taken from their latest ad campaigns, which currently (and usually) feature a number of Aryan blonde goddess types - Gap Girls. These young white Christ-loving women are simply arrestingly beautiful. The apotheosis of what the human genome is currently capable of producing in terms of physical beauty. One cannot help but stare at the nearly ubiquitous images of them; they contrast very sharply with what one sees at Zabars or while riding the No. 7 subway line to Queens or at rallies for Hillary Clinton (sorry to say), to say nothing of the desperate and lazy human debris that elects to appear in porn. Seriously, if the average porn star - and I do mean porn STAR - were to compare herself to the average Gap Girl, and if she were the least bit self-aware, she would feel like feces, cover her head with a bag, and slink back to the WalMart in search of employment.
No invidious comparisons are meant by this posting; if you read this and you are female and in porn, I am not talking about you.
Chaim: Luke, this may very well be the make-or-break year of your professional life. So it is very important that you pay attention to the little things that define how you appear to the world. This means that you must learn to cut and paste and yes, even edit rationally. I can write like s--- if I want, since it is not MY name that is up on your web site URL - it's yours. The sloppiness with which you cut and paste and the lack of intelligent editing do not betoken someone who should be listened to, which is a shame, since this is easily corrected. So put some more effort in the damn thing, be more professional, and maybe you can take this somewhere!
Remember, the people you are competing against who win in the end likely are, for all their faults, hard workers.
Luke: Who am I competing against? GeneRoss.com, avn.com?
Chaim: NONONONONO!!!!! Only if you want to stay where you are in life, which would be of no use to me. No, you are competing against all the other mostly unknown folks who are struggling in LA to make a name for themselves in media of one form or another. People who get up early, work hard, try new things, hustle to make it, etc.
I think I did a pretty good job of editing your web site while you went through detox in Australia. Why not let me take over again, at least until you get that monkey off your back?
Luke: What monkey?
Chaim: Why, crack of course. Or would crank work better? I am not sure. What do YOU think, Chaim? Now do not be lazy with the cut-and-paste.
Luke Gets Mail
Goddess writes: Re Curious's suggestions for your new alias--Menachem Cockum is hysterical. Gene Ross, Jr.? You're crossin' the line there, buddy. (And the fact that Gene probably is old enough to be your father---although I find that VERY HARD to believe--is going to give me nightmares tonight.) I suggest you use the name Little Mikey South. Lord knows, "Little Mikey" has seen so much action, he's probably collecting combat pay. But you better use it quick, Luke, 'cause when South lays around in a hotel room getting shoulder massages, it's almost time for him to head out to the porno retirement pastures.
Luscious Jackson: Goddess is on the right track. Tell Ms. Summers to stop fooling with the grapes, peel off Mr. South's silky boxers and give that cock a serious workout.
Fred writes: Regarding Hymie, what information does he have concerning Ms. Carrera's story and the pure fabrication? What is the source--first hand or speculation? (I'm not saying that Hymie is wrong. Rather, I'm interested in what he knows.)
Regarding Lynne's comments re TJG, what does "WNC" mean?
Lynne: Will Not Commit.
Blank-O asked me Who do you know of that worked while doing heavy drugs? (cocaine, speed, heroin). This can include women or men who have since left porn or who have since kicked the habit. Just wondering, you hear how common it is. So who kept working while shooting up or snorting?. How common is drug use now compared to when you first got into porn?
Lynne: Chaim, I don't want Luke's semen, I want his (word for male organ with which Luke is comfortable). Luke, your hovel may not be a religious edifice, but my bed is a shrine to Venus & Priapus. Speaking of Priapus, best luck on your efforts to pay homage tonight.
Luke to Chaim: > Isn't your fascination with Pierce infinitely more > perverse than that of the > average smuthound?
Chaim: YES. (But more troubling, since they are easier to take, is the propaganda of Yggdrasil.) But are you any less fascinated by his rants? After all, it is Luke F-rd who reposts his stuff on a web site that one would not expect to cater to racists. What does your Hebrew Honey, who you ought to impregnate, think of your giving a second platform to a man who, if he could, would slaughter her and her family like so many unwanted fetuses? Be sure to ask her.
Luke: Who is Yggdrasil?
Chaim: "Yggdrasil" is the pseudonyme of a very prolific writer on jews and race who, apparently, is unknown even to the ADL. He differs from Pierce in that he has fas less of an emotional attachment to Die Fuhrer's rectum and is not quite an exterminationist nazi.
Still, he wants the United States divided along racial lines, and 80% of all jews to leave his space. His writing is generally more disturbing because it often is very insightful. (But he clearly does not know jews, and it shows.) Check out the "Library of Yggdrasil" at www.ddc.net/ygg/
I think you and your date should read some of his works together, while hunched over your laptop on you lap. This would let her see the serious internet side of you. And does it not disturb YOU that you so often agree with much of the material you copy from Pierce? What next for Luke - speaches before the faithful at Hayden Lake if the Judeo-Porn gig does not pan out?
Four dates, and all you get is a balls-on walk to first base for a peck on the cheek? She better be worth it. Next time if you get no farther, you had better start reminding her of every jewish woman's obligation to have lots of jewish children to make up nazi and feminist induced losses in decades past.
Conflicted Porn Feelings
Dudley Moore writes: Luke, the main theme of l-keford.com, as you have said all along, is that you experience highly conflicted feelings about porn. Here's what Sigmund Freud has to say about the experience of conflictual sexual feelings:
"My experience shows that ALL psychoneurotic conflicts are based on sexual instinctual forces. By this I do not merely mean that the energy of the sexual instinct makes a contribution to the forces that maintain the pathological manifestations(the symptoms). I mean expressly to assert that that sexual contribution is THE most important and only constant source of energy of the neurosis and that, in consequence, the sexual life of the persons in question is expressed--whether exclusively or principally or only partly--in these symptoms. As I have put it elsewhere, THE NEUROTIC'S SEXUAL SYMPTOMS THEMSELVES CONSTITUTE THE ENTIRE SEXUAL ACTIVITY AND SEX LIFE OF THE INDIVIDUAL.
"In this manner the fact has emerged that symptoms represent a substitute for impulses the source of whose strength is derived directly from the sexual instinct. The character of all psychoneurotics shows a degree of sexual obsession in excess of the normal quantity, an intensification of resistance against the sexual instinct(in the form of shame, disgust and morality), and what seems like an instinctive sexual aversion.
"Psychoanalysis, however, can invariably bring the first of these factors to light and clear up the enigmatic contradiction which neurosis presents, by revealing the pair of opposites by which it is characterized--both exaggerated sexual craving AND excessive aversion to sexuality.
"Between the pressure of his sexual instinct and his antagonism to sexuality, illness through neurosis offers the psychoneurotic a way of escape. Thus, neuroses are formed in part at the cost of abnormal sexuality; neuroses, are to say, the NEGATIVE of perversions.
"An especially prominent part is played in the formation of symptoms in psychoneuroses by instincts which emerge as pairs of opposites, such as the scopophilic instinct(a desire to passively watch sexually stimulating scenes) AND exhibitionism, as well as the active AND passive forms of the instinct for cruelty.
"Whenever we find in the unconscious an instinct of this sort which is capable of being paired off with an opposite one, this second instinct will regularly be found in operation as well. Every active perversion is thus accompanied by its passive counterpart: anyone who is an exhibitionist in his unconscious is at the same time a voyeur; in anyone who suffers from the consequences of repressed sadistic impulses there is sure to be another determinant of his symptoms which has its source in masochistic inclinations.
"It is also through the medium of this connection between libido and cruelty that the transformation of love into hate takes place, the transformation of affectionate into hostile impulses, which is characteristic of a great number of cases of neurosis, and indeed, it would seem, of paranoia in general." -- from Freud's Three Essays on Sexuality, Essay 1, Chapter 4, The Sexual Instinct in Neurotics
Dissident Voices
Luke: Here's a section from this week's rant by evil Nazi Dr. William Pierce:
I usually learn more from reading my hate mail than I do from reading friendly letters. The most common type of hate letter I receive is from Politically Correct college girls of both sexes. They all have pretty much the same flavor: "Ooooh, my god! How can you be soooo stupid as to believe that skin color makes any difference! Don't you realize that we're in the 21st century now? Your ideas went out of fashion with the Stone Age. I can't believe that there are still people like you around. You should sell your trailer, get your teeth fixed, and go to school. Maybe you would learn something!"
Well, you may wonder what is useful in reading letters of this sort. Actually, they serve primarily as a constant reminder to me that there are many lemmings out there. Some of the lemmings lecture me about the things they have learned in class or from television about race and history and world affairs, and you'd be amazed at some of the things they've been taught and actually believe. But that's useful too. It reminds me that reason plays a negligible role in the belief system of these people, and it does very little good to attempt to use reason in straightening out their thinking. In order to move them we must go beyond reason; we must appeal to their most fundamental primate instincts.
Well, when we own a major Hollywood studio or a television network, we can generate the images that appeal to the instincts of the lemmings. Then we can compete with the Jews in the business of manipulating their instincts. For now, while we are limited to words and reason, there's not much point in addressing ourselves to the lemmings. For now, we can speak effectively only to the two per cent or so of the population that is susceptible to reason. And I really am interested in knowing what's on the minds of this two per cent. I do want to know what the people who are capable of thinking are thinking -- and feeling -- as our civilization crumbles and our race slips into the abyss of extinction. Because, you know, even though we can't win any elections with just this two per cent, we can win the war . . . if we can get most of them -- or even half of them -- properly oriented and properly motivated.
So what are the things that are keeping that thinking two per cent from getting their act together? Well, one thing is conservatism. Many people still can't let go of the notion that we must solve our problems in a civilized and orderly way, like ladies and gentlemen. Well, you know, we lost that option a long time ago. Really, all you have to do is look around. Go out into the street. Go into any big city supermarket or shopping mall. Look at the people. They are the voters: the 400-pound welfare moms, and the Mexicans and Vietnamese who've been here long enough to become citizens, and the beer-bellied baseball and basketball fans -- the sort of people one sees on Oprah and the Jerry Springer Show.. The ladies and gentlemen of America can't outvote them. We can't save our people or our civilization by playing according to the old rules. We can't win by being ladies and gentlemen. We have to use our heads, of course, but we also must at least be willing to get down and dirty when necessary. We must be willing to break every old rule and make new ones.
I remember what it was like living in a world where most people respected the old rules. I remember White neighborhoods, where mothers stayed home and took care of their children, and White schools . . . and even White shopping malls, believe it or not. It was a world in which ladies and gentlemen ran things, and it was a much cleaner and more decent world. It had its faults, of course. I found it a little too stuffy and prudish and restrictive, but it was an infinitely better world for our people than this Clinton-era world. The biggest problem with that civilized, White world of 50 years ago was that even then the rules were way out of date. The rules were no longer able to protect our society from our deadliest enemies, who had found ways around the rules. They were able to infiltrate and subvert every institution of ours.
We clung to meaningless rules -- we clung to civility and politeness and table manners and dressing properly and other outward forms -- while they corrupted and subverted from within. It was considered rude to point to the corrupters and subverters. We may not have admitted many of the brasher and pushier New York and Hollywood Jews into our society, but we thought it was all right to admit the ones who had learned to dress and talk like us, the ones who had learned our manners and could pretend to be ladies and gentlemen. Our polite and civilized society carried within itself the seeds of its own destruction...
Chaim: Admit it. Don't you think he could be talking about that Laura-person or that so-called Tough Jewish Chick? Take away the antisemitic part, and don't you find yourself in general agreement with the essay? The truth is that most people ARE lemmings who let others do the heavy thinking for them.
Tomorrow is the annual Salute to Israel parade. Kay Jay will be walking up 5th avenue, hand in hand with Amalek, to salute the jewish state. Oh how I kvell.
Luke: I admit I agree with most of his essay. But I disagree with him on race. I agree with the college girls. What matters is the content of a person's character, not the color of his skin.
Lynne writes Chaim: It's awful, Chaim, when you and I agree. Makes us both look suspect. Do you not realize that my desire to immigrate to a sheep ranch in Australia has nothing to do with Luke, but everything to do with my anarchic commitment to self-responsibility? I refuse to think for other people, but sheep need me! My ethics forbid me to impose my thoughts on other humans, but I relish the idea of a few thousand living, breathing beings who depend on me for every decision.
Since these sheep will be raised for wool alone, Luke can visit the main house any time without fear of mutton on the table. I shall feed him with fresh organic produce from my garden, and fly him in my private plane to the nearest minyan on Friday nights. While I drink beer in the local pub, Luke will praise the glory of God. While I sleep off my hangover. Luke will contemplate the wonders of the universe, and catch up on his tan. Then I shall return him to paradise, where he can spend the week preparing papaya smoothies and communicating via computer from his rent-free isolated Australian hovel.
Lukey, to make it even scarier, I agree, too. With the race/college girl exception. Which means I agree with you. And that's REALLY SCARY. I'm going to go check out a gun show. I am guessing that, considering the time of your message with me, you did not have SEX with your date. But it went okay for you? Happy? Or no? I love you so, I couldn't even be jealous, just want your happiness and for you to be treated as the precious person I see you as. All jokes aside, I love you that much.
Luke: What determines a successful date for me is not the amount of physical play, but the amount of emotional intimacy. It was a good date.
Russell Williams writes: Read a book on verbal sales techniques. You can hear the same tactics in informercials or "How to improve your [fill in the blank] today!" books or talks.
For example: include statements that your target audience is sure to agree with -- get them nodding with you early. Enroll your audience in a desirable group membership: they're not like the stupid, or close-minded, or cruel, or infidel *them*.
An appeal to "the good old days" before *those* people took over is about as hackneyed as they come, and has been used to sell everything from gun rights to gun control to fashion clothing.
Swift's "modest proposal" often sounds reasonable too; you could use most of Pierce's "reasonable" arguments to introduce it. Pierce is a skilled demagogue, not a source of reasoned discussion on the social costs and benefits of cultural homogeneity vs. diversity, and certainly not on the reality or origins of differences among human populations.
PS You often focus on the low esteem in which many in the porn industry hold each other (and implicitly, themselves). I can never decide whether most of the porn fans who send you mail have more contempt for the women in porn, other porn fans, or themselves, but they certainly have plenty of it to go around. In the past, if you hated sex you could disrespect yourself and your partner in the morning. Porn allows those who dislike their own sexual desires to increase their guilt and loathing without increasing the amount of actual sex they have.
Lynne writes: I would be interested in knowing your average word count from May 2000, May 1999, May 1998. Luke -- I don't even know the history of your column!
Something else I have been thinking about: I can never bear children, but I have room in my heart for dozens. I can never be taller, or younger, but as my consort you stand upon the pinnacle of porn society. You are elevated into the pantheon of Ruben Sturman, Russ Hampshire, Paul Wisner, Milt Luros, etc. Any other social climbing I can't promise, but I've already put you there, surely one of your previous goals. I cannot pray with you to your gods.
As a secular Jew I can orchestrate any and all rituals, but cannot light candles. I can prepare an altar for you, but cannot worship at it. Again, Lord Peter Ford would see that as your calling. You bring me to God; I bring you to Life.
Notes From Biker Heaven
Lynne writes: After a full-course biker breakfast of a couple of beers, a cigarette and my last bowl of REAL smoke, my bloodthirsty Jewish canine bitch and I mosied up to the Rose City Gun Collectors show, to check out the self-defense situation here in Oregon.
I have a real, honest-to-goodness date Thursday night, with a stranger I met off the Internet, and my first thought is not whether I am attractive enough to please a man (that's a given), but as to how I shall avoid the very realistic possibility of "date rape."
"Date rape," and its more casual cousin "acquaintance rape," make up the majority of reported rapes in the U.S. Despite knowing the words for "No way, Jose" in several languages, I'm well aware of difficulties in gender semantics: most men hear "No" as "Once I sodomize her without her consent, she will be devoted to me for evermore." Thus the need for a weapon which is accurate at 6 feet and which will obliterate a man's every desire for nonconsensual sex within six shots.
Tobi, my baby (therefore Jewish) dog girlie, wonders why I would go out with a man when I can sleep with her? She doesn't understand why promises of her never-tiring tongue don't dissuade me from feeling the need to connect with a male. Still, I crave that testosterone shot my health insurance doesn't cover, and so must pursue men, as distasteful as that may be. Due to a typical male misunderstanding (interpreting "I miss you, my little 15K investment" as "I will take over your life, horizontally, vertically and in every dimension") I was deprived of my right to bear arms under the U.S. Constitution back in Los Angeles.
I spoke with several of the kind gentlemen at the gun show about how to retrieve said rights without joining a militia. Apparently I have a long and involved legal process ahead of me should I wish to date in safety. It involves meeting with the district attorney. If he's cute, should I let him know that there's a "Tough Jewish Chick" out there salivating about dating men with law degrees? Or should I just offer to blow him in exchange for a concealed weapons permit?
Johnny: > > I think I know who Chaim Amalek is--he's Dennis Prager.
Chaim:
Could I be Howard Stern, jewish bore?
Could I be Kendra Jade, of porno lore?
Could I be the collective id of l-keford.com pride?
Or could it be that I am simply a jew, with nothing more to hide?
Inside Jews
Marc Putative writes: gents, much as i enjoy reading about porkchop-sized labia, i had started to regale you with some details from the jewish journalism conference i was part of last week ... then my computer crashed on the unsaved work. so, i'll begin again when i'm in the mood. but you can also read in my radiodigest.com column on tuesday about some of the details ... there is an eruv in toronto--however, it covers the northern reaches of the city, where the jewish population is at its densest. it doesn't extend into the downtown area where i live (and shul attendance is relatively sparse). those who care get around it by wearing their house keys as part of necklaces, bracelets or belts. (most don't, natch.) when i was up in the neighborhoods where i could buy kosher knishes, burgers, bourekas, etc., i found my tongue wagging with feelings way more ecstatic than the sight of davia flexing her sphincter in my face. i must be turning into my father ... (o"s)
can we, collectively, get financing for our own jewish webthing (insidejews.com, or whatever?). i'd be into it. and so would "amy steinberg" i'm sure. more stuff later ... there's always more ...
Chaim Amalek: Why not an Ebay-style web site, where jews gather to do favors for other jews in need? You know, "This Jew is in need of the following favor. The bidding for the opportunity to do him the mitzvah asked for begins at 25 sheckels." And there would be a column, aptly entitled "But is it Good for the Jews?" Now here is how we would really make money. The official policy of the web site would be to "respectfully" exclude the goyim from full participation, which would make our web site the most intensely monitored in the world. I am sure that with this business model, we could even charge a stiff access fee, which the goyim would be all too happy to pay, just to see what the Juden are up to.
If only 1% of all the world's goyim payed us 10 bucks a year to learn what the jews are doing in "secret", we would all be rich enough to have entire harems of blonde shiksa porn stars with modest labia at our disposal, and could even afford two bedroom apartments in Manhattan.
Possible name of web site: www.learnedeldersofzion.com or www.secretsofthejews.com And if that does not do it, Luke could arrange for some hot chicks to sell their undies on our web site.
PS Porkchop-sized labia? Oy vey, I am going to be sick.
Putative writes: okay, now i'm in the mood for this recap of the conference panels:
(a) the editor of the canadian jewish news discussed the question of how his publication deals with controversial topics within the community. answer, for the most part--they don't. the cjn is one of the few jewish publications in north america not sponsored by a federation. instead, it's bankrolled by a dozen-odd philanthropic types, including george cohon (big macher at mcdonald's in canada--russia, too). they wrote up a constitution saying the paper would not publish anything damaging to an individual, which means they mostly print horrific wire stuff from israel--and fluff pieces about what's happening on these shores. i invoked chaim's topic about investigating the instances of birth defects within the chasidic community due to cousins being wed; also, the crime and greed-ridden lifestyles of some russian jews who benefited from good will to get out foof their country (and their even more corrupt offspring, who were involved in a beating death of one of their own in toronto last fall; plus, the assorted groups who offer creative variances on the religion, such as kabbalists and secular humanists, much to the chagrin of true torah jews. all good points, he conceded, but nothing the cjn has the money or resources to pursue. he did point out the paper has 50,000 circulation--twice that of the forward, and almost entirely by subscription. but will it still be publishing in 20 yrs.?
(b) an editor from toronto life magazine (slick local knock-off of new york mag) made a wonderfully articulate argument for how she rationalizes writing gossip items while adhering to the belief that lashon hara is forbidden. gossip helps foster a sense of community in the big city, she feels, and the lawyers are around to put the kibosh on any scuttlebut capable of ruining anyone's reputation, besides ...
(c) i moderated the radio talk, with panelists howard glassman (one
of those "shock jock" characters) and two-time Luke F-rd consort marsha
lederman. marsha, who does an open-line talk show, is proud of her
judaism, but doesn't feel it's an overwhelming part of what shapes
her bias, just one of several factors. she's accused of being anti-catholic--since
she takes a stand against the canadian funding of catholic schools
while shunning all other religious educators--yet she co-habitates
with one. glassman was more schticky. he's been under fire from catholic
organizations--who sent a complaint to the crtc (canadian equivalent
of the fcc), the b'nai brith and hate crimes squad--over various eastertime
antics, such as nailing the producer to a cross while on-air. most
intriguing, perhaps, was glassman's recollection about how a dozen
years ago, as a disc jockey in montreal, he was told by management
not to come into work on rosh hashana because the listeners, many
of them jews, would be offended.
