The First Dick

The First Dick

op/ed essay by Al Blanco  

 
With all the hype surrounding the upcoming presidential election, one factor in judging these two upstanding individuals abilitiy to be president is lost.  I need to know how much pussy they are getting.  To me, this is paramount.  The man with his finger on the button needs to have another finger on a clit.  The most stressful job in the world is only for a man that busts nuts daily.
 
With all the sex tapes out there, we can’t get a Barack and Michelle Obama sex tape?  Michelle Obama would get it, point blank.  I’m not saying she’s a dime, but the fact that I think of a potential first lady and sex means this woman has something going for her.  I bet her and Barack fuck up, down and sideways all the time.  You know the night she got it the best?  The night Barack got the nomination and they gave each other a pound, or as some might say a fist bump.  You could tell at that very moment, the fist bump was more than a "congratulations", it was a "congratulations… and you know I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you tonight Barack, I stepped up my dick sucking game just for this very moment.  There’s gona be some Obama Sutra shit goin on tonite"
 
Barack seems like a relaxed guy, so he’s got to be gettin it regularly.  Some would say McCain is up tight, but for a fine 19th century specimen such as himself, he’s a real Larry Flint.  I bet John McCain fucks his wife all the time.  That’s a given though, because he was a POW for five years.  When you are forced to go without pussy for five years, you fuck non stop after that.  I bet he has a fluffer behind the podium blowin him when he makes speeches.  The rigours of war combined with forced celibacy equal a lifelong sexual urge that is never quenched.  McCain doesn’t need Viagra, he commands his dick to get hard.  His dick is afraid McCain will just cut that shit off if it doesn’t perform.
 
I think Bush fucks a lot too.  However when you are president I think all bets are off as to who it’s with.  Sure, I think he gives it to Laura, but as there is a first lady, there are also first hoes.  I’m sure if Clinton didn’t start that, he certainly siged the bill into law.  There are more likely hoes on the government payroll than aliens in area 51.  Al Gore used to fuck hoes and use solar powered vibrators on them.  Okay I made that last part up, he only used organic dildos.
 
The picture is clear though: pussy and politics are like fuckin peas and carrots or Forrest Gump and Jenny.  You got Detroit’s mayor using his state issued cell phone to send freaky texts.  Who the fuck has text sex ayway?  You got former NY govenor Eliot Spitzer transporting a ho across state lines.  What the fuck is wrong with that man?  How are you going to transport a ho?  You get a new one wherever you go for fuck’s sake.  You got former NJ govenor and current "gay American" Jim McGreevy claiming he used to double team his wife a friend during his divorce trial.  This is the American Dream.  It’s like how Scarface said, "In this country first you get the money, then you get the power, then you fuck all the bitches you want non stop."  I can’t think of a better reason to get into public service than that.